Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Twas The Night Before the Beanpot

twas the night before the beanpot, and all through terrier land
not a fan boy was raving, there was no "song" from the band

the glowsticks were hung by agganis with fear
knowing full well that Monday was near

on the other end of comm ave, it was a much different story
Eagle fans partied late, reveling imminent glory

now Parker in his tweed coat, and rogie on his lap
had both just awoken, from a post dugout nap

"its been a long time", he said with a mumble
"but the beanpots have come, despite our 10 year stumble

I've convinced all my teams, this is the game they must win
you cannot lose the beanpot! Playing in April's a sin!

but what have I gotten for my beanpot fame?
outside of comm ave, they've forgotton my name"

Rogie just nodded, he knew to keep quiet
an angry jack parker was worse than a northeastern riot.

when out on the T tracks there arose such a clatter
they climbed up from the gutter to see what was the matter

a ghost train was approaching, its engine was gunning
but who was the driver? the T had long since stopped running!

Rogie turned pale, before Jack's mouth could uncork
he knew in a moment, it must be chris bourque

more rapid than eagle forecheckers, his passengers they came
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name

"now lashoff! now whitney! now esposito and amonte!
on drury! on sacco! on kane and tom poti!

we've come with a message from the ghosts of BU
they want life after beanpot, that’s why they pay you

sure beanpots are great, but we've been there before
in the end it’s a local thing, our euro fans deserve more

you've been given a warning, now answer the call
get better recruits, and go win it all

you lust after the beanpot, your eggs are all in one basket
you've bulldozed our palace and erected a casket

with such marginal talent your systems wont work
your best players are walk ons! Your captain's mcguirk!

it used to be a given, you would pilot us to first
now we search for our seat belts and prepare for the worst

make no mistake you are the one everyone blames
we see right through the finger pointing after the games."

now parker was speechless as young bourque rattled on
he knew that his glory days truly were gone.

he looked towards BC with a tear in his eye
he cursed Jerry York, and that Nate Gerbe guy

"why cant I get a boyle? An eaves? Or a shannon?
I'd settle for bertram, or lombardi, or gannon…

but I'm stuck with macarthur and some guy name boomer
gryba who cant skate,and lawrence the late bloomer…

BC is on the rise, and this pain is too numbing
I can feel in the rearview that even Cronin is coming"

by now rogie was teary, and chris bourque 'seen enough
but he knew in his heart that he had to be tough

so he jumped on to the T and to his team gave a whistle
and away the train rumbled like the down of a thistle

he left one last message for the program in flux
you had better win the beanpot, because this team really sucks

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Letters Home: Reflections from Boston University Part I

Dear Mom and Pop,

How are you? Sorry I haven't written in so long! Things have been pretty crazy here in my second year at BU.

Once school started, I got sick and missed 4 of the first 5 games with something called mono. I didnt know what was wrong with me. One night I'm making out with this humongous BU coed; and the next night I could barely move. I was like what gives, eh? Anyway, a few days later Captain McGuirk told me he was heading up to lowell to pick up a shipment, he said I could tag along and secretly see a doctor without coach knowing.

Mom, Dad, this is the girl I was telling you about. She said if I got her hockey tickets, she'd let me eat at the Y. Here in America, it means something different than back home...

The doctor had a funny accent and I couldnt understand him at first; he said he thought i had a mano.... so I punched him. I mean, come on, I'm not strait.. but i'm not gay. Get it? Anyway, when i told coach I had mono and couldnt play anymore, he asked me if I had it last year too. I'm not sure what he meant, but last year was my best season ever. Coach Quinn even says I play like #2. I think he means Brian Leetch, and boy was I honored; but my teammates say he just can't swear in Agganis anymore.

Anyway, the team struggled to a 0-4 record without me, but now we are an amazing 4-10. What a turnaround, eh? And wouldn't you know it, I saw Peter MacArthur out with coach at this place called the Dugout last night and he said I will probably win the Hobey Baker next year. That would be amazing; back to back for the terriers!

We are really hoping that our teammate Brandon can go back to his "super" ways and help us achieve our ultimate goal of winning the Beanpot again.

Well I have to get going, I'm running late for my class on the history of the beanpot. But gosh I miss Saskatoon so much. I can't wait to come home and see you guys.

Love always,

ps. that Gerbe slashed me again. He is really mean.

Mom, Dad, this is the man who touched me.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Sisters In (Lunch Lady) Arms

College is a glorious, yet unnerving time for most freshmen, let alone those from foreign lands who travel to Boston University with the goal of learning English and witnessing a Beanpot championship. For BU coeds, it can be especially difficult to socially assimilate into the mainstream when the majority of men on campus are more interested in glowstick dancing with eachother rather than dating a member of the opposite sex.

Sorority Rush at Boston University allows coeds to let it all hang out and show their "double-wide BU pride."

To combat this dilemma, BU offers a wide variety of sororities that a young coed can look to for long-term friendships or for someone to merely swap Taco Salad recipes or Lane Bryant gift certificates with. Autumn in Kenmore Square can be a confusing time for a young woman in her first year at Boston University. Balancing a busy school schedule along with the Celebration of ‘Eid –ul-Fitr' is an exercise in stress management that makes the “sorority rush” experience that much more emotionally taxing for the coed.

At sorority houses throughout BU’s asomatous campus, the corpulent yet curious mix and mingle hoping to find a connection that will help her make her panhellenic decision. Though all nine sororities at BU welcome potential sisters with open arms, only a few are chosen to join the sisterhood and move into the sorority house, unofficially known as being a “pig in a blanket”.

Though the busy rush period leaves a mess inside BU sorority houses, it also leaves a strong impression on those who wish to join the sisterhood.

Following the selection process, the new sorority pledges are required to adhere to a highly secretive pledgeship (internally known as 'Operation: Free Willy') and promise a lifelong devotion to the sisterhood. Life is tough, though as each sorority sister balances a collegiate life of maintaining a rigid ritual as well as the ability to read the Koran while making a dozen Krispie Kremes disappear.

While hazing is strictly prohibited at Boston University, the long held tradition of "squeezing" a pledge into a size 60 jeans is just as much a tradition at BU as the annual "melting of the Agganis Arena ice" on March 30th each year.

The ultimate benefit of sisterhood at Boston University is a lifelong friendship with someone you can share you innermost secrets with as well as a your elastic wasteband pants suit. Though the cheers at the end of the college hockey season in February grow quiet and the late night drive-thru at Wendy's eventually closes, the bond between sorority sisters at Boston University is eternal.

Collar Up.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Summer Mailbag

Sadly, our extended summer vacation has ended and the time has arrived once again to return to Stately Pinhead Manor. Though the Greek Isles were transcendent, the warm smiles of the landscaping staff welcoming the people you wish were is something that is a congenial site every autumn.

Unfortunately during our sabbatical, the Pinhead Nation mailbag email was more full than a BU coed’s size 72 jeans. Although some of your meager questions are a bit dated, as your superiors, we felt obligated to do our best to brighten your day by answering one of your lamentable inquiries. Without further adieu, here is a small sampling of your curiosities.

Q- Joel S. (Plaistow, NH).- Why are you guys are always ragging on UNH?

A-First of all, we don’t “rag” on anyone. We pride ourselves in the fact that we are edifying the unwashed masses who, due to low S.A.T. scores, were enslaved in a state school such as UNH. The incongruities between Boston College and UNH are too copious to mention. A worthy distinction between the respective schools is best allegorized by comparing their respective football quarterbacks. One is a Heisman Trophy candidate while the other is an accused murderer.

When Hank Hendricks goes to prison, he will quickly find out that a "high stick in the crease" doesn't mean the same thing as it does back at UNH

While BC signal caller Matt Ryan was beating the ACC to abeyance last fall, UNH QB Hank Hendricks was flagellating a surfer to death. According to a report in the San Diego Union, Hendricks was at a bar when he allegedly went “John Sabo” on a local man who ended up as lifeless as the hopes of a UNH hockey fan in April following the altercation. Ironically while the UNH hockey team takes the ice this season to the song “Live is Life”, Hendricks’ future will likely be somewhere between “Five to Life”…

Q – Adam E. (Holliston, MA). Please tell me which one of you BC clowns broke into Brian Strait’s dorm and stole his laptop?

A – If you are talking about the incident involving BU hockey player Brian Strait’s dormatory theft at Boston University, we apologize, but your superiors have no concrete details regarding the perpetrators. Sources close to Pinhead Nation have told your superiors some of the missing items listed on the police report, though. According to a secret BU Police report, the following items were purloined from America’s Team Reject Strait’s Bay State Road Dorm:

- 1 laptop, including hard drive containing dozens of gay porn pictures with
the Beanpot trophy photoshopped in to them.
- 1 iPod containing hundreds of songs by a musician named “Darude”.
- 1 rejection letter from Boston College with frame.
- 1 2008 BU hockey schedule with the year ending on February 11, 2008.
- 2007 Boink Magazine Swimsuit Issue (pages stuck together).
- 1 “Bartender’s Guide to Kenmore Square” written by Jack Parker.
- 1 “Skladany to English” Dictionary.

BU's Brian Strait's dorm room was another victim of the several burglaries plaguing the school's dorms recently.

The fortuitous news is most of the items are replaceable and the police have a lead. According to sources within the BUPD, a prime suspect is fellow Kenmore Community College icer Jason Lawrence. Apparently, he has been found guilty in the past of stealing thousands of dollars in scholarship money from Boston University as well as accusations of lying on his admissions application. According to his application, he claimed to be a hockey player with skills above that of a House Mite.

As the fall semester at BU begins, equipment staff prepares uniforms for the Terriers' womens soccer program

Q- Austin G. (Gould Corner, ME). Is this year going to be “Timmay-Time!” for the Blackbears?

A-Austin, your question is quite timely as we commence another season that will ultimately result in further glory for America’s Team in Chestnut Hill. Nonetheless, Maine’s fortunes depend from which angle you are viewing them. On the ice, it appears that the “graduations” of Michel Leveille and Josh Soares are going to drop the Blackbears even further from their fifth place finish in Hockey East a year ago.

On the other side, the departure of Keith Johnson will certainly make parents of 13 year-old girls sleep easier at night. Although most adults in Maine lay awake at night fearing sexual manipulation of their livestock by the local citizenry, Johnson’s four-year stay in Orono provided a unique nightmare. While few males residing north of Bangor have prurient interests in mammals of the opposite sex within the same species, Johnson targeted human females that were more interested in “Blues Clues” than “Black Bears”. Fortunately, with Johnson out of the area, parents of adolescent girls no longer have to fear their daughter’s deflowering before their arranged weddings upon reaching the age of 15.

That’s going to complete another voyage into Pinhead Nation’s Mailbag. Feel free to drop us a line at mailbag@pinheadnation and perhaps your inquiry will be answered.

Collar Up.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Old McDonald Had A Buzz

It was late at Pinhead Nation's summer resort in the Greek Isles when the phone rang. Your superiors were still up finishing off a nectareous bottle of Louis XIII when one of our hired drones interrupted to announce one of our attorneys was on the phone and had important news from back home in the colonies.

The news from the mainland was quite austere. It seems that UMass-Lowell hockey coach Blaise McDonald drove off the Yellow Brick Road and was arrested and charged with drunk driving near his home. According to reports, he was found asleep at the wheel of his clown car with beer cans scattered throughout.

According to police, McDonald had a blood alcohol level three times higher than the average UMass Lowell undergraduate's GPA.

Reportedly, when confronted by police, McDonald was asked to recite the alphabet and mumbled "U, M, L" over and over. Also, when asked where he was, he said "Rochester". Realizing Rochester was the location of an NCAA regional this year and knowing Lowell's hockey history, police arrested McDonald immediately. He was cited for drunken driving and being in the front seat of a car without a booster seat.

UML officials became concerned about McDonald's drinking after he announced that his Riverhawks team had a shot to make the NCAA hockey tournament in 2008.

Upon arriving at the Chelmsford, MA police station, McDonald was booked, photographed and was allowed to call his parents to retrieve him from jail. While he waited in jail, McDonald caught up on some old times with former Riverhawks' Paul Falco and Jeremy Wilson before he was released hours later when his bail was posted by an anonymous fan known only as "The Weatherman".

BU coach Jack Parker informed McDonald's agent that now that he has been arrested for DUI, he will join former Terrier Jim Craig on the school's short list to become the school's next head hockey coach.

For UMass-Lowell, McDonald's arrest comes at a time when things looked bright for their perennial failure of a hockey program. Once again, the program avoided the ax and season ticket sales this summer have skyrocketed to 19 after an aggressive marketing campaign rewarding Lowell residents who attend a UML hockey game with an autographed Carlos Valderrama poster and a pair of matching shoes.

McDonald's behavior has earned the "Lowell Leprechaun" a suspension from his job and he will receive a hearing from university officials who will decide his fate. On the ice, his suspension comes at a crucial time when recruits are carefully weighing their options and trying to decide if their futures would be better by accepting a hockey scholarship to UMass-Lowell or killing themselves.

Word came out that Blaise McDonald had been arrested and stunned UMass-Lowell students who were camping overnight at the school's Student Health Services Building for a shot to win free Hepititis C shots.

UML's hockey program has already had its share of drama as we approach the 4th of July. While arrests in the city of Lowell usually surround the Cinco de Mayo holiday and not Independence Day, UMass-Lowell officials now must decide if McDonald's actions are deserving of his dismissal. If they do make the move, it'll end a coaching era at Lowell that began with a man who arrived with high aplomb from Niagara, but has done nothing but take the Riverhawks down the Falls in a barrel, and had a few drinks along the way.

Collar Up.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

2006-2007 All-Milk Carton Team

For your superiors, summer is just about here and it's almost time for our extended jaunt to the Pinhead Palace's summer retreat in the Greek Isles. While the "people you wish you were" prepare for a few months of Ouzo and sojourns to Pontikonisi Island, we were able to spend sometime together and tabulate our votes for this year's All-Milk Carton Team.

To no one's surprise, America's Team once again showed its eminence in Hockey East while Boston University predictably hit the ground and died faster than a BU coed's first day at Pilates class. UNH's annual postseason dreams again breathed less life than Gerald Ford and Maine overachieved to make the Frozen Four, only to have their goaltender cost them a trip to the NCAA final once again. Without further adieu, Pinhead Nation presents the 2006-2007 All-Milk Carton Team.

2006-2007 Milk Man of the Year

Jason Lawrence, F, BU - Last season 8-14-22. This season 5-13-18

Death. Taxes. BU forwards underachieving. It's the same story every year. This year the Brokeback University forward that disappointed most was clearly sophomore forward and Saugus native Jason Lawrence, although any of BU's forwards were deserving of this esteemed honor. Deemed by some to be more coveted and skilled than America's Team sophomore superstars Nate Gerbe and Benn Ferriero, production dropped from a decent freshman campaign to rather pathetic sophomore numbers. Revisionist historians from Babcock Street will claim that Jack Parker didn't bring in Lawrence to score goals but merely to "set the tone" and become a "terrific faceoff guy." Quietly, BU fans realize that Joey "Woah" Lawrence has a brighter future than the "Sabo-nic" forward they've brought in to win their February national championships. Though its unfair to pick on a man who has the offensive skills as beautiful as the Massachusetts city that shares his name, Lawrence gets our nod as the Milkman of the Year.

Mike Morris, F, NU - Last season 19-20-39 - This season 7-11-18

We'll try not to hurt our shoulder patting ourselves on the back but Mike Morris, a preseason pick for Milkman of the Year, certainly didn't disappoint us. Coming back from a year off, Morris finished third in scoring for NU. Unfortunately, that's like being the third thinnest girl at the Jenny Craig meeting on the campus of Boston University. Morris attempted a comeback in his 5th year in hopes of duplicating his performance from two seasons ago when he scored 39 points for the Huskies. After getting a medical redshirt last season due to post-concussion syndrome, one he likely stole from one of the many Goodwill Boxes that dot NU's campus, Morris was expected to be fresh and ready to put up good numbers in hopes he could sign a lucrative professional contract with the San Jose Sharks. Now that Morris has concluded his college hockey career after his Huskies were dispatched by America's Team faster than it takes for a UMass-Lowell grad to steal a car, it is obvious that those expectations were completely wrong. In the end, Morris couldn't stay healthy, playing in just 20 games and watched his production drop 54% from his junior season.

Robbie Bellamy, F, Maine - Last season: 6-9-15 (+2) This season: 1-7-7 (team worst -9)

Bellamy, a physical player in the mold of Jeremy Wilson (lack of talent, big hitter, run-ins with the law), brings as much offensive skill to the table as UNH coach Dick Umile's ring collection. Although we were shocked to see Bellamy put up decent stats from last season we were not shocked, however, to see Bellamy flop terribly this season. His style of play for the Black Bears continues to help Tim Whitehead take a once proud (albeit cheating) program right down the drain. While your superiors agree that teams need good 3rd and 4th line players and guys who can hit like a freight train, Bellamy's problem is that no one from the other team is ever on the tracks. It seems he can't do anything right and have concluded that for everyone's interests, he should transfer to BU where he'll fit in nicely with their collection of pathetic forwards and college hockey misfits.

Cleve Kinley, D, UML - Last season 0-12-12 (-7). This season 3-6-9 (-4)

How humiliating. Apparently, since Kinley can't seem to get his picture in the sports page, he's resorted to his annual headshot on a milk carton. A repeat from last year's 05-06 AMC Team selections and yet another preseason selection that "made the grade", - an F to be exact. Kinley continues to live with the stigma from being dubbed "better than Peter Harrold" by U.Mass-Lowell's only fan who doesn't send single women running to the medicine cabinet for Penicillin after conversation. While he did improve on his absurdly awful goal total and +/- rating from last season, he had an overall 25% point production dropoff. The good news: Kinley is a senior and will not appear on a milk carton until the "All-Decade" Milk Carton team is announced in 2010. The bad news: Kinley will likely begin a fulfulling career in the landscaping industry where he will help perpetuate the lovely abbreviation we all think of when we hear UML - the University of Mowing Lawns. Good luck with your career, Cleve, we've enjoyed making fun of you the past few years and we're going to miss you. Sadly, you'll go from running the power play to running the power mower.

Eric Gryba, D, BU - 1-3-4 (+4)

Gryba is another "stud" BU recruit whose bust potential is so startling that it would send the ghost of Mother Theresa rushing to the bathroom with Irritable Bowel Syndrom. The "Saskatoon Goon" certainly impressed the Nation with his parking cone defense and penalties that Corky from "Life Goes On" would know to refrain from. For hockey pundits, Gryba does it all: terrible puckhandling, ghastly shooting skills and passes that wreak havoc on his game. Sadly, these are just the tip of the iceberg (which is something he is slower than). Of his many horrific attributes, his lack of agility and pathetic skating has prepared Gryba for an unprecedented run at four consecutive appearances on the "All-Milk Carton Team." His league-leading 205 penalty minutes in the USHL with the Green Bay Gamblers last season were no fluke. The reasoning of that number was that he was always getting into fights (read: Fanboy cult hero John Sabo sans shoe) and thus racked up many minutes of time in the sin bin as a result. Not only did Gryba lead Baghdad University in PIMs by a wide margin, but his 38 infractions are more than double that of the next best (or worst?) BU player.

Tyler Sims, G, PC - Last season: 17-15-2 record, 2.32 GAA, .916 save %, 3 SO This season: 7-19-2 record, 2.76 GAA, .898 save %, 1 SO

Last season PC was the surprise of the year. This year, it was back to reality for the "Forever .500" Friars. With Paul Pooley helping Notre Dame dominate the CCHA, Friar fans can now thank Ty Sims for this season's hockey ineptitude. Picked to finished 6th this year, they finished 8th, just 3 pts ahead of UML for the last playoff spot. The dropoff in goaltending performance by Sims was remarkable as he was owned like a monkey by just about every forward in the free world. 10 fewer wins, an 18 point dropoff in save percentage, and a .44 rise in GAA. Of course, we find his selection to the AMC Team very fitting given he shares his first name with that of former UNH (and NHL) choke artist Ty Conklin, the absolute gold standard for awful clutch goaltending in hockey history.

"Dean" Blaise McDonald, coach, UML

They say it's not how you start, it's how you finish. Well, if that's the case, than Old McDonald has a problem. Despite starting reasonably well by Lowellian standards (3-2-3 record in their first 8 games) and finishing strong (5-2-1 in their last 8 games) the University of Mowing Lawns' 06-07 campaign mattered most in the middle where they played in 20 straight games without a win. One can't help but think the Riverhawks might have made a rare playoff appearance if Blaise didn't leave the cupboard bare going into the season. If you all recall, it was the way he treated players that led to losing senior-to-be defenseman Adam Staniech and fantastic goaltender Peter Vetri, a player we're likely sure would have made a difference over Nevin Hamilton and Carter Hutton (who?). Instead, the Riverhawks found themselves getting out the golf clubs in early March. To rub salt in the wounds of McDonald and mutant UML fans are the questions of the program's future as the powers that be try to make UMass-Amherst the only state school in the conference. Everytime you think you've seen a new low our friends in Lowell kick it down a notch. Low. Lower. Lowest. Lowell.

There you have it, our 2006-2007 All-Milk Carton Recipients. Congratulations to the winners and here's hoping for continued incompetencies and best wishes when they trade their helmets for hair-nets as they begin their careers in the fast-food culinary services industry.

Collar Up.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Happy Groundhog Day!

It's our favorite time of the year. Hockey playoff fever is in full swing. Snow is melting and the weather is getting warmer. And the anticipation of which date GroundDog Day will fall on is at an all-time high. As America's Team heads to yet another Frozen Four, almost simultaneously, a Terrier was pulled out of the bowels of Egg Anus Arena the morning of March 23rd and did not see his shadow, thus bringing an early spring for the Terrier hockey program once again.

Recently, BU celebrated the 10th anniversary of its last appearance in the Frozen Four. And to honor that anniversary, Jack Parker drank himself into a stupor and headed to Grand Rapids to watch his uninspired, hopeless, and talentless squad get fisted by the MSU Spartans, who also find themselves heading to St. Louis thanks to receiving a "first round bye" in the NCAA tournament.

Separated at birth: The St. Louis Arch and the backside of a BU coed.

This tradition is a fairly new one for the Terrier hockey program, as it was only recently that America's Team was taken over by the greatest coach in the land and has pushed BU far below that of our beloved Eagles hockey program. Rest assured that this rise and drop in the two programs after Jerry York's hiring is no coincidence, but that's a story for another day.

The "Golden" Arches will be the only ones BU students see next week when they head to work in the fast food industry.

On some date between the 2nd Tuesday in February and the weekend of the NCAA tournament's first round, a group of GroundDog Day officials, known as the Inner Circle Jerks, hold a festival in a room in the bowels of Egg Anus Arena known as Knob Gobblers Notch. Fanboys from streets, cities, and countries near and far gather to see what the prediction will be even though they know what's coming.

The president of the Inner Circle Jerks, Mr. R.A. Hughes, reaches in to a cage and pulls out a Terrier, affectingly known as "Ruwayshid Rhett" and the animal speaks to him in a language only he can understand called "Fanboyese." It's at this time that it is proclaimed that the ratdog does not see his shadow and an early spring is coming. For ten straight years now, the entire life of the new holiday, the prediction has been the same.

Don't drive angry, Fanboys.

GroundDog Day has much significance over at Baghdad University - not only does the early spring prediction by the ratdog signify the end to another fruitless hockey season for BU - but it also signifies that prediction of warmer weather will lead to many BU coeds heading to BU Beach to rid themselves of their burkas and other clothing. When their tears dry, BU Beach becomes BU Beached Whale and the PETA volunteers show up to attempt to throw them back into the Charles River.

After a few days of sorrow, however, much fun ensues for Fanboy Nation as they rationalize that they will have more money from working the weekend shifts at McDonald's, and instead of heading to hockey games and paying for tickets and food, they will not have to shell out the dough to head to St. Louis and cheer on their team with other fansies in Fanboy Nation.

"What do you mean this is NOT 1997!?"

Your superiors would like to congratulate the inadequate hockey players at Baghdad University on their pathetic season. Additionally, we pop our collars and raise our flumes to Jerry York and America's Team for heading to yet another Frozen Four. See you all in St. Louis!

Collar Up