Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Hillbilly logic 101

Good evening everyone, great web blog from darin this morning. Now it's my turn. It's come to my attention after a good night of sleep that we really need to address Hillbilly logic. Pinhead Nation, while experts on many things, probably can put Hillbilly logic on the top of the lists of things we know all too well. Why? Well, it's simple. When we talk football, we deal with the WVU Hillbillies. Then football season turns into hockey season (and with Tom O'Brien at the helm, football season ends quickly unless you get excited about the douchebag.com bowl) and we go right into discussions with New Hampshire and Maine Hillbillies. In summation, we deal with Hillbillies basically year-round and they never cease to amaze us with their stupidity. This is why we're experts on the subject.

First point on the agenda. Look, we're just smarter than you. Deal with it. This is why we went to BC, and you went to UNH and WVU. If you did some homework and had an IQ larger than the number of teeth you have, maybe you could have gotten yourselves into a 2nd tier institution like Baghdad University on the scummy end of Commonwealth Avenue. Instead, you got stuck with a 3rd tier university. Deal with it, people.

Secondly, we care about this thing called personal hygiene. Most importantly for you to think about is dental hygiene. Most of your teeth have already rotted by now, but could you at least brush the one tooth you have left to save yourself some dignity... I mean, seriously. Ok, next, mullets are not acceptable. When were they acceptable? I'm not sure they ever were, but it was over 20 years ago if it was. Cut that Mullet! It looks dirty and only serves to perpetuate the Hillbilly stereotype. We know you want to look like your favorite UNH hockey player, but why don't you just go riot on the streets in Titletown rather than wear the mullet. It's much better for your looks, and the rioting (and couch burning if you are in WVU only) is certainly entertainment when compared to the next best alternative, cow tipping (a close 3rd was banging one's sister). And the last point of hygiene, soap and deodorant. Buy some. Enough said.

At this point, after all the Hillbilly bashing, I'd like to thank the UNH, WVU, and Maine folk. Without you guys, who knows where science would be. We are all in debt to you forever for having allowed science to use you as an easy example to prove that humans evolved from apes. We're not sure why you're a few million years back in the process of evolution from the rest of humans, but regardless, you guys really have a great Caveman thing going on... but let Johnny Damon do the Caveman thing, he makes it look good. You guys/girls don't.

NASCAR: Oh gosh, where do start on this one. Look, this isn't a sport. It just isn't. Why would someone spend several hours watching cars drive around in circles? Seriously!? This basically proves how pathetic your existence is. You spend your time watching cars drive around in circles. Again... enough said.

Ok, now onto the real core of the blog, Hillbilly Logic. We know you're going to twist things the way you want them to make yourself feel good and to try to discourage us. Then realize we'll use your own Hillbilly logic against you to make you look stupid. You're going to tell us our 1949 hockey title doesn't count because it was 50+ years ago. We're going to tell you we didn't have to cheat to win it (Maine) and it's still better than not having any (UNH). We'll also call you on it, tell you to get some nuts and go tell Michigan fans that 6 of their 9 national titles don't count because they were won before 1960. You will back down like a gutless pig (malts18). You lose, we win. We'll ask you if you'd like to trade your 2 Hockey East titles for our 2001 National Title. You'll dance around like a sissy and won't answer the question. Again, you lose. We win (again). You'll tell us that our football team has never won a Big East title. We'll tell you that we will NEVER win a Big East title, because we're going to the ACC, you're not, and now you're stuck in a mid-major conference because no conference wants you. Sad but true. Again, you lose. We win (yet again). You'll tell us that we'll finish in 6th place in the ACC. We'll tell you that we beat Virginia Tech in Blacksburg last season, this season's ACC champs, and that we're going to be fine since we play up to competition and now we're out of a league full of chumps. Yes, you lose... AGAIN. We win... AGAIN. Hillbilly logic never wins. Rather than waste our time arguing with us (although it is fun sometimes making you all look stupid), just go find some friends, rub some sticks together and try to make some fire, ok?

Lastly, no matter what your sports team does, we're BC grads and you're not. We'll wake up in the morning, with a great night of sleep, and wake up to go to our jobs, where if we have time, we'll go out for lunch and perhaps frequent your establishment where you work the fryolator. Just don't mess up my order and I won't jump over the counter and kick your ass, ok? No argument will ever change this, no sports results will ever change this. You have no looks, no brains, and no chance. You've got nothing. Deal with it.

Collar up!

Mav.

2 Comments:

At 12:09 PM, Blogger sabini said...

isn't "hillbilly logic" an oxymoron?

 
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