Pinhead Nation

Twas The Night Before the Beanpot

2008-02-05T19:37:00.000-05:00

twas the night before the beanpot, and all through terrier land
not a fan boy was raving, there was no "song" from the band

the glowsticks were hung by agganis with fear
knowing full well that Monday was near

on the other end of comm ave, it was a much different story
Eagle fans partied late, reveling imminent glory

now Parker in his tweed coat, and rogie on his lap
had both just awoken, from a post dugout nap

"its been a long time", he said with a mumble
"but the beanpots have come, despite our 10 year stumble

I've convinced all my teams, this is the game they must win
you cannot lose the beanpot! Playing in April's a sin!

but what have I gotten for my beanpot fame?
outside of comm ave, they've forgotton my name"

Rogie just nodded, he knew to keep quiet
an angry jack parker was worse than a northeastern riot.

when out on the T tracks there arose such a clatter
they climbed up from the gutter to see what was the matter

a ghost train was approaching, its engine was gunning
but who was the driver? the T had long since stopped running!

Rogie turned pale, before Jack's mouth could uncork
he knew in a moment, it must be chris bourque

more rapid than eagle forecheckers, his passengers they came
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name

"now lashoff! now whitney! now esposito and amonte!
on drury! on sacco! on kane and tom poti!

we've come with a message from the ghosts of BU
they want life after beanpot, that’s why they pay you

sure beanpots are great, but we've been there before
in the end it’s a local thing, our euro fans deserve more

you've been given a warning, now answer the call
get better recruits, and go win it all

you lust after the beanpot, your eggs are all in one basket
you've bulldozed our palace and erected a casket

with such marginal talent your systems wont work
your best players are walk ons! Your captain's mcguirk!

it used to be a given, you would pilot us to first
now we search for our seat belts and prepare for the worst

make no mistake you are the one everyone blames
we see right through the finger pointing after the games."

now parker was speechless as young bourque rattled on
he knew that his glory days truly were gone.

he looked towards BC with a tear in his eye
he cursed Jerry York, and that Nate Gerbe guy

"why cant I get a boyle? An eaves? Or a shannon?
I'd settle for bertram, or lombardi, or gannon…

but I'm stuck with macarthur and some guy name boomer
gryba who cant skate,and lawrence the late bloomer…

BC is on the rise, and this pain is too numbing
I can feel in the rearview that even Cronin is coming"

by now rogie was teary, and chris bourque 'seen enough
but he knew in his heart that he had to be tough

so he jumped on to the T and to his team gave a whistle
and away the train rumbled like the down of a thistle

he left one last message for the program in flux
you had better win the beanpot, because this team really sucks

Letters Home: Reflections from Boston University Part I

2007-12-20T18:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Mom and Pop,

How are you? Sorry I haven't written in so long! Things have been pretty crazy here in my second year at BU.

Once school started, I got sick and missed 4 of the first 5 games with something called mono. I didnt know what was wrong with me. One night I'm making out with this humongous BU coed; and the next night I could barely move. I was like what gives, eh? Anyway, a few days later Captain McGuirk told me he was heading up to lowell to pick up a shipment, he said I could tag along and secretly see a doctor without coach knowing.

Mom, Dad, this is the girl I was telling you about. She said if I got her hockey tickets, she'd let me eat at the Y. Here in America, it means something different than back home...

The doctor had a funny accent and I couldnt understand him at first; he said he thought i had a mano.... so I punched him. I mean, come on, I'm not strait.. but i'm not gay. Get it? Anyway, when i told coach I had mono and couldnt play anymore, he asked me if I had it last year too. I'm not sure what he meant, but last year was my best season ever. Coach Quinn even says I play like #2. I think he means Brian Leetch, and boy was I honored; but my teammates say he just can't swear in Agganis anymore.

Anyway, the team struggled to a 0-4 record without me, but now we are an amazing 4-10. What a turnaround, eh? And wouldn't you know it, I saw Peter MacArthur out with coach at this place called the Dugout last night and he said I will probably win the Hobey Baker next year. That would be amazing; back to back for the terriers!

We are really hoping that our teammate Brandon can go back to his "super" ways and help us achieve our ultimate goal of winning the Beanpot again.

Well I have to get going, I'm running late for my class on the history of the beanpot. But gosh I miss Saskatoon so much. I can't wait to come home and see you guys.

Love always,
Eric

ps. that Gerbe slashed me again. He is really mean.

Mom, Dad, this is the man who touched me.

Sisters In (Lunch Lady) Arms

2007-11-08T18:17:00.000-05:00

College is a glorious, yet unnerving time for most freshmen, let alone those from foreign lands who travel to Boston University with the goal of learning English and witnessing a Beanpot championship. For BU coeds, it can be especially difficult to socially assimilate into the mainstream when the majority of men on campus are more interested in glowstick dancing with eachother rather than dating a member of the opposite sex.

Sorority Rush at Boston University allows coeds to let it all hang out and show their "double-wide BU pride."

To combat this dilemma, BU offers a wide variety of sororities that a young coed can look to for long-term friendships or for someone to merely swap Taco Salad recipes or Lane Bryant gift certificates with. Autumn in Kenmore Square can be a confusing time for a young woman in her first year at Boston University. Balancing a busy school schedule along with the Celebration of ‘Eid –ul-Fitr' is an exercise in stress management that makes the “sorority rush” experience that much more emotionally taxing for the coed.

At sorority houses throughout BU’s asomatous campus, the corpulent yet curious mix and mingle hoping to find a connection that will help her make her panhellenic decision. Though all nine sororities at BU welcome potential sisters with open arms, only a few are chosen to join the sisterhood and move into the sorority house, unofficially known as being a “pig in a blanket”.

Though the busy rush period leaves a mess inside BU sorority houses, it also leaves a strong impression on those who wish to join the sisterhood.

Following the selection process, the new sorority pledges are required to adhere to a highly secretive pledgeship (internally known as 'Operation: Free Willy') and promise a lifelong devotion to the sisterhood. Life is tough, though as each sorority sister balances a collegiate life of maintaining a rigid ritual as well as the ability to read the Koran while making a dozen Krispie Kremes disappear.

While hazing is strictly prohibited at Boston University, the long held tradition of "squeezing" a pledge into a size 60 jeans is just as much a tradition at BU as the annual "melting of the Agganis Arena ice" on March 30th each year.

The ultimate benefit of sisterhood at Boston University is a lifelong friendship with someone you can share you innermost secrets with as well as a your elastic wasteband pants suit. Though the cheers at the end of the college hockey season in February grow quiet and the late night drive-thru at Wendy's eventually closes, the bond between sorority sisters at Boston University is eternal.

Collar Up.

Summer Mailbag

2007-10-11T16:12:00.000-04:00

Sadly, our extended summer vacation has ended and the time has arrived once again to return to Stately Pinhead Manor. Though the Greek Isles were transcendent, the warm smiles of the landscaping staff welcoming the people you wish were is something that is a congenial site every autumn.

Unfortunately during our sabbatical, the Pinhead Nation mailbag email was more full than a BU coed’s size 72 jeans. Although some of your meager questions are a bit dated, as your superiors, we felt obligated to do our best to brighten your day by answering one of your lamentable inquiries. Without further adieu, here is a small sampling of your curiosities.

Q- Joel S. (Plaistow, NH).- Why are you guys are always ragging on UNH?

A-First of all, we don’t “rag” on anyone. We pride ourselves in the fact that we are edifying the unwashed masses who, due to low S.A.T. scores, were enslaved in a state school such as UNH. The incongruities between Boston College and UNH are too copious to mention. A worthy distinction between the respective schools is best allegorized by comparing their respective football quarterbacks. One is a Heisman Trophy candidate while the other is an accused murderer.

When Hank Hendricks goes to prison, he will quickly find out that a "high stick in the crease" doesn't mean the same thing as it does back at UNH

While BC signal caller Matt Ryan was beating the ACC to abeyance last fall, UNH QB Hank Hendricks was flagellating a surfer to death. According to a report in the San Diego Union, Hendricks was at a bar when he allegedly went “John Sabo” on a local man who ended up as lifeless as the hopes of a UNH hockey fan in April following the altercation. Ironically while the UNH hockey team takes the ice this season to the song “Live is Life”, Hendricks’ future will likely be somewhere between “Five to Life”…

Q – Adam E. (Holliston, MA). Please tell me which one of you BC clowns broke into Brian Strait’s dorm and stole his laptop?

A – If you are talking about the incident involving BU hockey player Brian Strait’s dormatory theft at Boston University, we apologize, but your superiors have no concrete details regarding the perpetrators. Sources close to Pinhead Nation have told your superiors some of the missing items listed on the police report, though. According to a secret BU Police report, the following items were purloined from America’s Team Reject Strait’s Bay State Road Dorm:

- 1 laptop, including hard drive containing dozens of gay porn pictures with
the Beanpot trophy photoshopped in to them.
- 1 iPod containing hundreds of songs by a musician named “Darude”.
- 1 rejection letter from Boston College with frame.
- 1 2008 BU hockey schedule with the year ending on February 11, 2008.
- 2007 Boink Magazine Swimsuit Issue (pages stuck together).
- 1 “Bartender’s Guide to Kenmore Square” written by Jack Parker.
- 1 “Skladany to English” Dictionary.

BU's Brian Strait's dorm room was another victim of the several burglaries plaguing the school's dorms recently.

The fortuitous news is most of the items are replaceable and the police have a lead. According to sources within the BUPD, a prime suspect is fellow Kenmore Community College icer Jason Lawrence. Apparently, he has been found guilty in the past of stealing thousands of dollars in scholarship money from Boston University as well as accusations of lying on his admissions application. According to his application, he claimed to be a hockey player with skills above that of a House Mite.

As the fall semester at BU begins, equipment staff prepares uniforms for the Terriers' womens soccer program

Q- Austin G. (Gould Corner, ME). Is this year going to be “Timmay-Time!” for the Blackbears?

A-Austin, your question is quite timely as we commence another season that will ultimately result in further glory for America’s Team in Chestnut Hill. Nonetheless, Maine’s fortunes depend from which angle you are viewing them. On the ice, it appears that the “graduations” of Michel Leveille and Josh Soares are going to drop the Blackbears even further from their fifth place finish in Hockey East a year ago.

On the other side, the departure of Keith Johnson will certainly make parents of 13 year-old girls sleep easier at night. Although most adults in Maine lay awake at night fearing sexual manipulation of their livestock by the local citizenry, Johnson’s four-year stay in Orono provided a unique nightmare. While few males residing north of Bangor have prurient interests in mammals of the opposite sex within the same species, Johnson targeted human females that were more interested in “Blues Clues” than “Black Bears”. Fortunately, with Johnson out of the area, parents of adolescent girls no longer have to fear their daughter’s deflowering before their arranged weddings upon reaching the age of 15.

That’s going to complete another voyage into Pinhead Nation’s Mailbag. Feel free to drop us a line at mailbag@pinheadnation and perhaps your inquiry will be answered.

Collar Up.

Old McDonald Had A Buzz

2007-07-03T16:00:00.000-04:00

It was late at Pinhead Nation's summer resort in the Greek Isles when the phone rang. Your superiors were still up finishing off a nectareous bottle of Louis XIII when one of our hired drones interrupted to announce one of our attorneys was on the phone and had important news from back home in the colonies.

The news from the mainland was quite austere. It seems that UMass-Lowell hockey coach Blaise McDonald drove off the Yellow Brick Road and was arrested and charged with drunk driving near his home. According to reports, he was found asleep at the wheel of his clown car with beer cans scattered throughout.

According to police, McDonald had a blood alcohol level three times higher than the average UMass Lowell undergraduate's GPA.

Reportedly, when confronted by police, McDonald was asked to recite the alphabet and mumbled "U, M, L" over and over. Also, when asked where he was, he said "Rochester". Realizing Rochester was the location of an NCAA regional this year and knowing Lowell's hockey history, police arrested McDonald immediately. He was cited for drunken driving and being in the front seat of a car without a booster seat.

UML officials became concerned about McDonald's drinking after he announced that his Riverhawks team had a shot to make the NCAA hockey tournament in 2008.

Upon arriving at the Chelmsford, MA police station, McDonald was booked, photographed and was allowed to call his parents to retrieve him from jail. While he waited in jail, McDonald caught up on some old times with former Riverhawks' Paul Falco and Jeremy Wilson before he was released hours later when his bail was posted by an anonymous fan known only as "The Weatherman".

BU coach Jack Parker informed McDonald's agent that now that he has been arrested for DUI, he will join former Terrier Jim Craig on the school's short list to become the school's next head hockey coach.

For UMass-Lowell, McDonald's arrest comes at a time when things looked bright for their perennial failure of a hockey program. Once again, the program avoided the ax and season ticket sales this summer have skyrocketed to 19 after an aggressive marketing campaign rewarding Lowell residents who attend a UML hockey game with an autographed Carlos Valderrama poster and a pair of matching shoes.

McDonald's behavior has earned the "Lowell Leprechaun" a suspension from his job and he will receive a hearing from university officials who will decide his fate. On the ice, his suspension comes at a crucial time when recruits are carefully weighing their options and trying to decide if their futures would be better by accepting a hockey scholarship to UMass-Lowell or killing themselves.

Word came out that Blaise McDonald had been arrested and stunned UMass-Lowell students who were camping overnight at the school's Student Health Services Building for a shot to win free Hepititis C shots.

UML's hockey program has already had its share of drama as we approach the 4th of July. While arrests in the city of Lowell usually surround the Cinco de Mayo holiday and not Independence Day, UMass-Lowell officials now must decide if McDonald's actions are deserving of his dismissal. If they do make the move, it'll end a coaching era at Lowell that began with a man who arrived with high aplomb from Niagara, but has done nothing but take the Riverhawks down the Falls in a barrel, and had a few drinks along the way.

Collar Up.

2006-2007 All-Milk Carton Team

2007-05-24T09:34:00.000-04:00

For your superiors, summer is just about here and it's almost time for our extended jaunt to the Pinhead Palace's summer retreat in the Greek Isles. While the "people you wish you were" prepare for a few months of Ouzo and sojourns to Pontikonisi Island, we were able to spend sometime together and tabulate our votes for this year's All-Milk Carton Team.

To no one's surprise, America's Team once again showed its eminence in Hockey East while Boston University predictably hit the ground and died faster than a BU coed's first day at Pilates class. UNH's annual postseason dreams again breathed less life than Gerald Ford and Maine overachieved to make the Frozen Four, only to have their goaltender cost them a trip to the NCAA final once again. Without further adieu, Pinhead Nation presents the 2006-2007 All-Milk Carton Team.

2006-2007 Milk Man of the Year

Jason Lawrence, F, BU - Last season 8-14-22. This season 5-13-18

Death. Taxes. BU forwards underachieving. It's the same story every year. This year the Brokeback University forward that disappointed most was clearly sophomore forward and Saugus native Jason Lawrence, although any of BU's forwards were deserving of this esteemed honor. Deemed by some to be more coveted and skilled than America's Team sophomore superstars Nate Gerbe and Benn Ferriero, production dropped from a decent freshman campaign to rather pathetic sophomore numbers. Revisionist historians from Babcock Street will claim that Jack Parker didn't bring in Lawrence to score goals but merely to "set the tone" and become a "terrific faceoff guy." Quietly, BU fans realize that Joey "Woah" Lawrence has a brighter future than the "Sabo-nic" forward they've brought in to win their February national championships. Though its unfair to pick on a man who has the offensive skills as beautiful as the Massachusetts city that shares his name, Lawrence gets our nod as the Milkman of the Year.

Mike Morris, F, NU - Last season 19-20-39 - This season 7-11-18

We'll try not to hurt our shoulder patting ourselves on the back but Mike Morris, a preseason pick for Milkman of the Year, certainly didn't disappoint us. Coming back from a year off, Morris finished third in scoring for NU. Unfortunately, that's like being the third thinnest girl at the Jenny Craig meeting on the campus of Boston University. Morris attempted a comeback in his 5th year in hopes of duplicating his performance from two seasons ago when he scored 39 points for the Huskies. After getting a medical redshirt last season due to post-concussion syndrome, one he likely stole from one of the many Goodwill Boxes that dot NU's campus, Morris was expected to be fresh and ready to put up good numbers in hopes he could sign a lucrative professional contract with the San Jose Sharks. Now that Morris has concluded his college hockey career after his Huskies were dispatched by America's Team faster than it takes for a UMass-Lowell grad to steal a car, it is obvious that those expectations were completely wrong. In the end, Morris couldn't stay healthy, playing in just 20 games and watched his production drop 54% from his junior season.

Robbie Bellamy, F, Maine - Last season: 6-9-15 (+2) This season: 1-7-7 (team worst -9)

Bellamy, a physical player in the mold of Jeremy Wilson (lack of talent, big hitter, run-ins with the law), brings as much offensive skill to the table as UNH coach Dick Umile's ring collection. Although we were shocked to see Bellamy put up decent stats from last season we were not shocked, however, to see Bellamy flop terribly this season. His style of play for the Black Bears continues to help Tim Whitehead take a once proud (albeit cheating) program right down the drain. While your superiors agree that teams need good 3rd and 4th line players and guys who can hit like a freight train, Bellamy's problem is that no one from the other team is ever on the tracks. It seems he can't do anything right and have concluded that for everyone's interests, he should transfer to BU where he'll fit in nicely with their collection of pathetic forwards and college hockey misfits.

Cleve Kinley, D, UML - Last season 0-12-12 (-7). This season 3-6-9 (-4)

How humiliating. Apparently, since Kinley can't seem to get his picture in the sports page, he's resorted to his annual headshot on a milk carton. A repeat from last year's 05-06 AMC Team selections and yet another preseason selection that "made the grade", - an F to be exact. Kinley continues to live with the stigma from being dubbed "better than Peter Harrold" by U.Mass-Lowell's only fan who doesn't send single women running to the medicine cabinet for Penicillin after conversation. While he did improve on his absurdly awful goal total and +/- rating from last season, he had an overall 25% point production dropoff. The good news: Kinley is a senior and will not appear on a milk carton until the "All-Decade" Milk Carton team is announced in 2010. The bad news: Kinley will likely begin a fulfulling career in the landscaping industry where he will help perpetuate the lovely abbreviation we all think of when we hear UML - the University of Mowing Lawns. Good luck with your career, Cleve, we've enjoyed making fun of you the past few years and we're going to miss you. Sadly, you'll go from running the power play to running the power mower.

Eric Gryba, D, BU - 1-3-4 (+4)

Gryba is another "stud" BU recruit whose bust potential is so startling that it would send the ghost of Mother Theresa rushing to the bathroom with Irritable Bowel Syndrom. The "Saskatoon Goon" certainly impressed the Nation with his parking cone defense and penalties that Corky from "Life Goes On" would know to refrain from. For hockey pundits, Gryba does it all: terrible puckhandling, ghastly shooting skills and passes that wreak havoc on his game. Sadly, these are just the tip of the iceberg (which is something he is slower than). Of his many horrific attributes, his lack of agility and pathetic skating has prepared Gryba for an unprecedented run at four consecutive appearances on the "All-Milk Carton Team." His league-leading 205 penalty minutes in the USHL with the Green Bay Gamblers last season were no fluke. The reasoning of that number was that he was always getting into fights (read: Fanboy cult hero John Sabo sans shoe) and thus racked up many minutes of time in the sin bin as a result. Not only did Gryba lead Baghdad University in PIMs by a wide margin, but his 38 infractions are more than double that of the next best (or worst?) BU player.

Tyler Sims, G, PC - Last season: 17-15-2 record, 2.32 GAA, .916 save %, 3 SO This season: 7-19-2 record, 2.76 GAA, .898 save %, 1 SO

Last season PC was the surprise of the year. This year, it was back to reality for the "Forever .500" Friars. With Paul Pooley helping Notre Dame dominate the CCHA, Friar fans can now thank Ty Sims for this season's hockey ineptitude. Picked to finished 6th this year, they finished 8th, just 3 pts ahead of UML for the last playoff spot. The dropoff in goaltending performance by Sims was remarkable as he was owned like a monkey by just about every forward in the free world. 10 fewer wins, an 18 point dropoff in save percentage, and a .44 rise in GAA. Of course, we find his selection to the AMC Team very fitting given he shares his first name with that of former UNH (and NHL) choke artist Ty Conklin, the absolute gold standard for awful clutch goaltending in hockey history.

"Dean" Blaise McDonald, coach, UML

They say it's not how you start, it's how you finish. Well, if that's the case, than Old McDonald has a problem. Despite starting reasonably well by Lowellian standards (3-2-3 record in their first 8 games) and finishing strong (5-2-1 in their last 8 games) the University of Mowing Lawns' 06-07 campaign mattered most in the middle where they played in 20 straight games without a win. One can't help but think the Riverhawks might have made a rare playoff appearance if Blaise didn't leave the cupboard bare going into the season. If you all recall, it was the way he treated players that led to losing senior-to-be defenseman Adam Staniech and fantastic goaltender Peter Vetri, a player we're likely sure would have made a difference over Nevin Hamilton and Carter Hutton (who?). Instead, the Riverhawks found themselves getting out the golf clubs in early March. To rub salt in the wounds of McDonald and mutant UML fans are the questions of the program's future as the powers that be try to make UMass-Amherst the only state school in the conference. Everytime you think you've seen a new low our friends in Lowell kick it down a notch. Low. Lower. Lowest. Lowell.

There you have it, our 2006-2007 All-Milk Carton Recipients. Congratulations to the winners and here's hoping for continued incompetencies and best wishes when they trade their helmets for hair-nets as they begin their careers in the fast-food culinary services industry.

Collar Up.

Happy Groundhog Day!

2007-04-01T13:35:00.000-04:00

It's our favorite time of the year. Hockey playoff fever is in full swing. Snow is melting and the weather is getting warmer. And the anticipation of which date GroundDog Day will fall on is at an all-time high. As America's Team heads to yet another Frozen Four, almost simultaneously, a Terrier was pulled out of the bowels of Egg Anus Arena the morning of March 23rd and did not see his shadow, thus bringing an early spring for the Terrier hockey program once again.

Recently, BU celebrated the 10th anniversary of its last appearance in the Frozen Four. And to honor that anniversary, Jack Parker drank himself into a stupor and headed to Grand Rapids to watch his uninspired, hopeless, and talentless squad get fisted by the MSU Spartans, who also find themselves heading to St. Louis thanks to receiving a "first round bye" in the NCAA tournament.

Separated at birth: The St. Louis Arch and the backside of a BU coed.

This tradition is a fairly new one for the Terrier hockey program, as it was only recently that America's Team was taken over by the greatest coach in the land and has pushed BU far below that of our beloved Eagles hockey program. Rest assured that this rise and drop in the two programs after Jerry York's hiring is no coincidence, but that's a story for another day.

The "Golden" Arches will be the only ones BU students see next week when they head to work in the fast food industry.

On some date between the 2nd Tuesday in February and the weekend of the NCAA tournament's first round, a group of GroundDog Day officials, known as the Inner Circle Jerks, hold a festival in a room in the bowels of Egg Anus Arena known as Knob Gobblers Notch. Fanboys from streets, cities, and countries near and far gather to see what the prediction will be even though they know what's coming.

The president of the Inner Circle Jerks, Mr. R.A. Hughes, reaches in to a cage and pulls out a Terrier, affectingly known as "Ruwayshid Rhett" and the animal speaks to him in a language only he can understand called "Fanboyese." It's at this time that it is proclaimed that the ratdog does not see his shadow and an early spring is coming. For ten straight years now, the entire life of the new holiday, the prediction has been the same.

Don't drive angry, Fanboys.

GroundDog Day has much significance over at Baghdad University - not only does the early spring prediction by the ratdog signify the end to another fruitless hockey season for BU - but it also signifies that prediction of warmer weather will lead to many BU coeds heading to BU Beach to rid themselves of their burkas and other clothing. When their tears dry, BU Beach becomes BU Beached Whale and the PETA volunteers show up to attempt to throw them back into the Charles River.

After a few days of sorrow, however, much fun ensues for Fanboy Nation as they rationalize that they will have more money from working the weekend shifts at McDonald's, and instead of heading to hockey games and paying for tickets and food, they will not have to shell out the dough to head to St. Louis and cheer on their team with other fansies in Fanboy Nation.

"What do you mean this is NOT 1997!?"

Your superiors would like to congratulate the inadequate hockey players at Baghdad University on their pathetic season. Additionally, we pop our collars and raise our flumes to Jerry York and America's Team for heading to yet another Frozen Four. See you all in St. Louis!

Collar Up

BU Spring Break Photo Album

2007-03-18T13:02:00.000-04:00

For your superiors, there is no better time of the year than now. America's Team has won another championship while our friends from Durham, New Hampshire fail more miserably than a hockey player with the last name of "Bourque". Perhaps it's the stress of the season that requires universities across America to allow its students a reprieve and give them a week to charge their batteries for the semester's stretch run.

At schools such as Boston University, the stress that comes from following their hockey program is shed in mid-February after the Terriers win their annual national championship. Nonethless, BU students enjoy spring break by returning to their homelands in the Middle East, hit the beach for a week of porcine fun, or make a pilgrimage to the Entenmann's Company headquarters in Montebello, CA.

Last last week, one of our drones was on the Green Line and found a lost photo album under the seat. It was a album owned by, apparently, a group of BU coeds who took spring break in Florida last week. There were no names among the pics, but instead of turning it in with the BU police, he brought it to the "people you wish you were" to investigate. Once the album made it back to Stately Pinhead Manor, we opened it up and this is what we saw:

Our Spring Break Album, 2007:

Not from Spring Break, but last December when BU was closed for 'Eid-ul-Fitr, I took this picture of our hockey coach Jack Parker after the team's Christmas party. He is awesome.

March 10, 2007: While in Florida, we stopped by Haulover Beach to visit our guy friends from BU. Looks like they were having a blast.

March 12,2007: After riding Space Mountain at Magic Kingdom. Even though the Disney police said we exceeded their "almighty weight limit" we rode the ride. My roommate Badriya couldn't hold down her Qabili Palau, though. Gross!

March 16, 2007: Since Ishraq was on the "suspected terrorist list", she was unable to accompany on us to our trip to Florida. She decided to go to the BU playoff hockey game with some friends at the Garden. Together they all spelled out "F-U-C-K B-C". It was hysterical.

March 14, 2007: Here we are at the pool. While we were down in Miami, we all got drunk and became American citizens! Our parents will be pissed, but, oh well!

After reviewing this horrific display of photography, your superiors could simply not stomach the remaining pictures. If this is your album and you would like it back, please drop us an email at our mailbag. We can make accommodations to get it back to you as soon as possible.

Collar Up

Stop, Drop, and Lowell

2007-02-25T14:26:00.000-05:00

Your superiors enjoy our annual trip to Lowell for many reasons. Despite the fact that U.Mass-Lowell's fans know their season is long over, the great unwashed at Tsongas Arena still manage to get as much enjoyment out of a UML hockey game as they do when their unemployment compensation is extended another six weeks.

This past weekend, the people you wish you were took a ride to the "House that the Pine Street Inn built" to watch America's Team roll the Riverhawks like a Lawrence Street prostitute. With the game's result long decided, your superiors engaged ourselves in a chat noting the crowd gathered at the rink was more suited for a swarm around a trash can fire than a sporting event.

In all fairness, we have several employees who work along the grounds of Stately Pinhead Manor who own U.Mass-Lowell degrees, so it's with little pleasure that we mention these poor souls in such a way. When our driver pulled off the highway and we entered the City of Lowell, it was obvious that social evolution didn't spend much time in this Hooverville along the Merrimack River.

After paying the insurance deductible, the cost of attending a game at U.Mass-Lowell is approximately $500 plus the cost of game tickets.

Once our party arrived at Tsongas Arena, our true bewilderment of the Lowell fan became evident. With America's Team in attendance, the rink was naturally filled, albeit with fans who had more tattoos than teeth and where a police rap sheet with less than ten arrests makes one a social samaritan.

Between periods, the gracious hosts awarded a lucky street person with a new home, a sporty 2007 SUV that left an oil spot on the ice larger than the average blood stain on the dormitory floors of Fox Hall. With the between period entertainment over and the last WIC Check dropped from the radio controlled blimp, it was time to focus on the clientele.

As your superiors have discussed on several occasions, each Hockey East fan base has a distinct characteristic. BU coeds were the inspiration for Disney's "Free Willy" trilogy while a trip to Durham, NH leaves one wondering who won the Civil War. At Lowell, folks with any social glitterati wonder if Lowell fans will eventually become extinct as none of those witnessed appear capable of finding a mate to perpetuate the species.

UML's fan club, "The Blue Balls Group", will always be present at all Riverhawk games to intimidate visiting teams, unless Sci-Fi moves "Battlestar Galactica" to Friday nights.

It appears that years of "Dungeons and Dragons", countless hours of watching "Lord of the Rings", and three trips a day to the land of masturbation have left our friends from the Lowell with permanent 'red stripe' tattoos across their palms and the word "unlayable" across their foreheads. Sadly, judging by the physical attributes and attitudes of Lowell fans, the object of their desire is likely Lowell coach Blaise McDonald or the parents of forward Jason Tejchma.

As the game wore down towards another Boston College victory, our gilded trio called for the car to swing around and pick us up for the return trip to the Manor. While heading out of town, looking out the window at several strange looking men toting weapons, we were reminded of the last scene in "Platoon" when the tired soldiers were airlifted out of the war zone.

As we approached the gates to the Manor, the phone rang and on the other end of the phone was one of our drones assigned to Hampton Tolls in New Hampshire. According to our spy to the north, the evidence was clear, the hillbillies were on their way to Chestnut Hill...

UNH fans will be heading down to Chestnut Hill this weekend in preparation for another painful postseason.

Collar Up.

Fan-boyz in the Hood

2007-02-03T09:59:00.000-05:00

While cruising in the Gallardo the other night, I flipped on the Sirius to prepare the people you wish you were for the annual Winter Celebration at club at Wild Harbor. The refrain that came out of the Wilson X-1 Audio Grand SLAMM almost made your superiors catechize our own credence.

In the spirit of the Chicago Bears' "Super Bowl Shuffle", Northeastern University hockey star Mike Morris was performing a ditty lionizing his tawdry opinion of the upcoming Beanpot tournament. Doing our best to hold back our stupefaction, your superiors merely sat back and listened:

Woke up late, at about noon
Just thought that I had be to the Garden soon.
I gotta get drunk before the game begins
Before the doghouse starts bitchin' about our wins.
About to go and damn near got sick
BU fanboyz on the corner, throwing up glow sticks.
I went in the house to tape my stick
With my ipod on the side of my hip.

The annual "Beanpot Fanboy Parade" through Kenmore Square is a BU tradition as long as the Beanpot itself.

I went outside and I'm mentally preppin'
Just as I thought, the fanboyz kept steppin'.
I jumped on the T' threw some quarters down hard
I don't roll with the new Charlie Card.
Then I heard the driver say
NU's got no chance, each February.
It was "BU's Beanpot" on the tip of his lips,
Then I played my own shit, it went somethin' like this:

Cruisin' down the street on the green line
walking would have taken less time.
I went to the rink to get the news
Knuckle-head Coach says we're going to lose.
A limo pulls up, who can it be?
the snotty little rich team from BC.
They roll down the window and they start to say
"Boy those BU limpwrists sure look gay".

The "Babcock Street Posse" is hoping BU can "win one for the Engineering Department".

But the Fanboyz in the hood are alwayz hard
when they score a goal, they start bouncing like tards.
Knowin' nothin' in life but the beanpot
cuz when April comes, they got no shot ...

Bored as hell and we're gonna get killed
So I make a bet with my teammate Yale.
if the fellas on the blue line wanna make that dollar
someone better make a Terrier holler,
BU scores early and I start thinkin'
when they score again and our team starts stinkin'.
I gotta get Deeth to rock the body
maybe take a run at that sieve John Curry.

Back on the NU campus, anticipation for a Beanpot crown has never been higher.

He skated to the crease, knocked him out of his pads
but the ref called something to make me mad.
He called somethin' that I couldn't believe
So I grabbed the stupid bitch by his black and white sleeves.
He started talkin' shit, would'nt you know?
I reached back like a pimp and slapped the ho'.
And then Parker stood up and he started to shout
So I threw a right-cross and knocked his drunk ass out.

With the Beanpot final during the week of Valentine's Day this year, BU coeds are hoping for a Terriers victory and several pounds of chocolate.

but the Fanboyz in the hood are alwayz hard
when they score a goal, they start bouncing like tards.
Knowin' nothin' in life but the beanpot
cuz when April comes, they got no shot ...

Hansen calls trippin late in the third
BU scores to win, we just got hosed, just got hosed.

Collar Up

BU begins hunt for 28th national title beginning Monday

2007-01-30T18:34:00.000-05:00

For your superiors, the height of contentment is sitting in the den around the fire on a cold winter evening enjoying a Dalmore single malt while ruminating about the apogees of our day. We larked amongst ourselves when one of the hired help asked for an advance of his pay to attend his U.Mass class reunion. Though we enjoyed our jocular get together, the mood changed when we discovered that the last log was cracking in the fire and our supply of wood was spent.

As the people you wish you were considered enkindling a left over newspaper, we couldn't help ceasing our plans once we discovered the newspaper was a Boston University student paper trumpeting the arrival of their hockey team to another "Frozen Four" appearance at the TD Banknorth Garden next Monday.

Your superiors began to read...

The BU Daily Corpulent
- Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Ice Dogs Prepare to Defend National Hockey Title
by Az-Amir Goldstein

For the 55th consecutive year, Boston University has qualified for the Frozen Four and will play for an unprecedented 28th National Championship on February 12, 2007. Despite battling injury most of the campaign, the Terriers will once again compete for college hockey's top prize. BU will square off in the first round vs. Northeastern and battle Harvard or Boston College for all the Ha-saa Al-Gereesh on Valentine's Day.

Despite the early struggles, BU coach Jack Parker was thrilled with his team's rebound.

"I'm just so proud of my guys", said Parker while spotted in line at Blanchard's Liquor Store in Allston. "We started the season with a bad loss to Lowell and to make it back to the Frozen Four and a chance to win it all is astounding."

The Terriers and BU students are once again ready to put all their chips on the table to secure another national title.

With a 13-5-7 record, the Terriers will first face rival Northeastern who qualified for the tournament themselves after a 6-1 upset victory over Maine in Orono. The winner will face BC or Harvard for the national crown on February 14th.

"It's why kids come to BU", said former Terrier skater John Sabo who is currently earning a masters degree from the Work At Home Institute while balancing a hectic anger management therapy schedule. "I mean 27 national titles, that has got to be a record, I dont even think Minnesota or Michigan can say that...to overcome the injury to (Brandon) Yip and have a shot at #28, it just shows how much Coach Parker lives for this."

The Fanboys at BU are encouraged to attend the game in the hopes of getting a chance to be on the "Kiss-cam" before heading back to Warren Towers and take turns giving eachother a "high stick in the crease".

Yip, a sophomore from Parts Unknown, Canada, has missed most of the season with a shoulder injury suffered while helping to lift a young BU coed onto the bar at the Tequila Rain dance club on Landsdowne Street. Despite the disappointment of missing most of the season, Yip will do his best to cheer his teammates on from the stands next Monday.

"Hockey is cool, I like it, it's really, really cool", said Yip when asked to handicap his team's chances next week. "I mean, who wouldn't like it. I think I would play all day if I could. It's like finding that perfect glowstick, except it never goes out, it stays on forever. Higgy says it doesn't exist, but I think it does."

Although tickets are long sold out, BU students can win tickets to the Frozen Four by competing against fellow students in a reality show on BU TV-10 awarding ducats to the smartest undergraduate. Students will be challenged with intellectual exercises such as "timed shoe tying" and a sudden death round of trying to solve "Blue's Clues".

When the calendar flips to February, thousands of scarlet-clad BU coeds converge on "the Garden" to give the building's structural engineers anxiety and hurl profanities at the opposition.

Though just a game, even the university administration is behind this year's team. "Everytime I see that scarlet jersey, I am more proud than my predecessor was when he watched the Space Shuttle take off and not explode", said BU President Bobby Brown. "Dr. Silber hated the sport because he couldn't handle a hockey stick, but I just love it. I hope they win it all again... Since Ramadan, the mood on this campus has been very solemn. This is just what BU needs right now."

A reminder from the Boston University Police that the consumption of Indian Shiraz is forbidden for students under 21 and campus police will be present at the doors of all campus madrasahs checking id's. Remember to have your International drivers licenses and passports ready and please celebrate our 28th national title responsibly.

Collar Up.

New Years Resolutions

2007-01-05T11:21:00.000-05:00

Once again, another year has come and gone. Having the means to spend the Yuletide season at our Aspen manse singing madrigals with our confreres offers a sublime opportunity to reflect on a effulgent year gone by. While your superiors enjoyed a rather sapid Chateau Margaux, the people you wish you were conceptualized likely "New Years' Resolutions" given by our subjacent friends in Hockey East.

We first discussed our slatternly friends across the tracks on the contaminated end of Commonwealth Avenue. Its ironic that Boston University's hockey team has more ties than wins considering it is unlikely that any of Boston University's fans actually own a tie. Offering a New Years' Resolution for BU certainly vellicates one's imagination.

BU Coach Jack Parker spent this past weekend in his office reflecting on the missed opportunities in 2006.

The delirium on the BU campus from the holiday of Ramadan has passed and they now wonder if their team is prepared to win the national championship on February 12th. The glowsticks and Taco Bell gift certificates are purchased and the fanboys are ready to drop f-bombs, but will they deliver when the bright lights of the "Frozen Four" are turned on at the TD Banknorth Garden next month?

If BU is going to have success in 2007, junior forward Boomer Ewing will need to improve his offensive output from 2006.

According to source who overheard BU Coach Jack Parker mumbling incoherently as he sat on a park bench on Boston Common while drinking out of a paperbag, BU's 2007 New Years Resolution is pretty obvious. If BU could put as much effort into scoring goals as they do partaking in early morning street fights, they'd have a much higher upside than they currently do.

Since 1997, the only Boston University students who have won anything in the month of April are the winners of the school's annual "BU Coed 2-Ton Run" sponsored by Lane Bryant.

The next team we surmised about was the University of New Hampshire. Admittedly, your superiors have greatly ignored our incestous friends to the north even though they are once again in the process of setting their fans up for another spring disappointment. After finishing the calendar year at 14-3-1, visions of pepper spray and stolen Dominos Pizza trucks have been dancing in the heads of UNH fans.

Despite starting the season red-hot, UNH hockey has flown under the radar among fans in the Granite State. Anticipation of the upcoming NASCAR season, and with it the hundred dollar question of whether Mark Martin will sit out 2007, has clouded the moonshine pocked minds of the locals.

UNH hockey's annual march to the silver medal is bound to be the "talk of the ho-downs" in the Granite State in 2007.

Considering the history of UNH's hockey program when the proverbial chips are on the line, a resolution for the new year is obvious. Looking ahead to the postseason, UNH's goal for 2007 is simply to lose in the postseason by less than 2 goals. UNH coach Dick Umile's "bend and break" defense displayed in the 2002 and 2003 Frozen Fours is clearly a flawed strategy. If they simply go back to their 1999 playbook and lose in overtime, it is sure to satisfy the great unwashed masses that reside in Titletown, NH.

Your superiors didn't spend time discussing the rest of Hockey East's New Years resolutions simply due to the fact that we really don't think it would be appropriate. Sure, we could anticipate Maine's hope in signing their first ever recruit under the age of 26 or Vermont players grabbing their own sticks instead of their teammates, but its hard to justify using our precious time thinking of them.

For the rest of Hockey East, your superiors at Pinhead Nation hope the new year finds you well. For our friends in Lowell, we wish you a "Feliz Ano Nuevo" and hope you defy the odds and survive until 2008.

Collar Up.

The Fanboys Are Coming! The Fanboys Are Coming!

2006-11-29T12:01:00.000-05:00

Listen to your superiors and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of Pinhead Revere
On the 1st of December, 2006
Waving around BU glow sticks
Recalling that 5-0 beatdown without shedding a tear

He said to his fellow pinhead, "If the fanboys march
By camel or T from Baghdad U to-night,
Hang a glowstick aloft in the belfry arch
Of Gasson Tower as a signal light - -
One if by camel, Two if by T
And I on the disgusting end of Comm Ave will be.
Ready to ride and spread the alarm
It's not March or April, BU can do harm
And tell America's Team to be up and to arm".

Then he said "Good-night!" and without saying more
Silently crept through the decrepit Kenmore,
Just as the moon rose over Fenway,
Fanboys danced and waved glowsticks all night and day.
Then over to Warren Towers, a Baghdad U. base-of-war;
Stepping over homeless drunks and an obese rat
Blocking the moon are the BU coeds, grotesquely fat.
And a huge white elephant, its emptiness was magnified
EggAnus Arena where their hockey program died.

BU students begin the short trek up Commonwealth Avenue hoping their team doesn't stink as bad as they do.

Meanwhile, his stalker through alley and street
Waits and watches, with eager ears,
Till in the silence around him Alex hears.
The herds of fanboys at the trolley door,
The sound of arms, and the tramp of feet,
Living one of his worst fears,
BU hockey is a power no more.

Then pinhead#1 climbed to the top of Gasson Tower,
Overlooking Conte Forum and its hockey power.
By the wooden stairs, with stealthy tread,
To the belfry chamber overhead.
Creepy and dark except a rare light reflection
Moving angrily in the tower like a fanboy recalling his BC rejection.
By the trembling ladder, steep and tall,
To the highest window in the wall,
Then he paused to listen and looked down to the quad
Soon the fanboys will come, so queer and so odd
And Angry Jack's liquor flowing over all.

Taking a break to set up camp during their journey to Chestnut Hill, BU coeds call Domino's Pizza for "reinforcements".

Beneath, in the quad, they sleep like the dead
In their nice dorm rooms on the "Hill",
Wrapped in silence so deep and still
That he could hear, the 300 lbs BU coed's tread.
The watchful night-wind, as it so quickly stopped
Like BU's hockey team in March - a turd that just plopped,
Into the toilet, but "Where's your Beanpot?!"
Says the fanboys, who think Star Jones is hot.
Of the place and the hour, and the secret dread
Of the lonely belfry and the pinhead;
For suddenly all his thoughts are dropped.
On a shadowy T Station far away,
Disembarks Fanboy Nation - mostly gay.
A line of scarlet that rolls off the train,
To cry in the end and go home in pain

Meanwhile, impatient to get in and ride,
Pacing near his driver, with his heavy bride.
On the opposite side of Comm Ave stood Pinhead Revere.
Now he waits at his limo's side,
He gazed at the ugly BU "campus" near.
Then, impetuous, stamped the concrete ground,
And kicked away any rats that he found;
But mostly he watched with an eagle eye
Gasson Tower standing tall in the sky.
As it rose above the campus on the Hill,
Lonely and spectral and sombre and still.
And lo! as he looks, on the belfry's height
A glimmer, and then a gleam of fluorescent light!
He springs into the limo, and almost goes,
But lingers and gazes, till full on his sight
A second glowstick in the belfry glows.

A hurry of foreigners in the BU village street,
A shape in the moonlight, a bulk of lard,
Finding someone that spoke English without swearing was hard.
As they waltzed around like Keith Johnson with his jailbait,
That was all! And yet, through the gloom and the light,
The fate of Pinhead Nation's team was riding that night;
Leaving faster than John Sabo at "The Avenue" barfight,
Or BU fans in Worcester after they accepted their fate.

Back at the BU campus, the walkways remain empty, especially during lunchtime.

Pinhead Revere got into his limousine,
And drank vintage Bordeaux and ate fine cuisine.
To the fanboys at "The Dugout" where they hide,
He waved goodbye on the "campus" edge,
Soon there would be fanboys jumping off the ledge,
From their nights with hefty coeds, packed with Astroglide.

It was twelve by the Packards Corner clock
When he crossed the train tracks into Brighton town.
Warning the patrons of "Great Scotts" who were cocked,
Some of whom were from BU, clutching a Lane Bryant catalog,
Waving their glowsticks that cut through the fog,
That come out at the clubs when sun goes down.

It was one when he reached Cleveland Circle this time,
When he rode past "Maryanne's".
He saw the lighted Circle Cinema sign.
Swim in the moonlight as he passed,
In the "Citysides" windows, black and bare,
Collar ups gaze at him with a spectral glare,
"The fanboys are coming!" as they stood aghast
At the thought of arrival of BU's terrible fans.

It was two by the Gasson clock,
When he came to campus after warning the town.
He sensed the annoyance of the flock,
And the victory on the ice in constant freeze,
And he felt the moisture not of a sneeze.
But of the tears from those 2 unslightly girls in Worcester who wore a frown.
America's Team was safe and asleep in bed
Who at Conte would be first to fall,
The team who's season in February is dead,
And Johnny Curry - pierced by a Joe Rooney musket ball.

Despite Conte Forum's rules against bringing in items to taunt BC fans, some BU fans have found new ways to sneak the Beanpot Trophy into the Arena.

You know the rest. In the books you have read
How the redjerseys from Baghdad U waved their flag and then fled,---
How the Eagles and Superfans owned them one and all,
Each and every time their Terriers fall,
Laughing at the redjerseys as they retreated down the lane,
Then chortling at them in the tourney again
At their jobs at McDonalds and more games down the road,
And the pathetic futures for which their worthless diplomas bode.

So through the night rode Pinhead Revere;
And so through the night went his word of alarm
Heard even by the Hillbillies up north on their farm,---
A word to prepare, and not to fear,
A voice in the darkness, a knock at the door,
And a word that shall echo for evermore!
For, borne on the night-wind of 1995,
Through all their history, when their program was alive,
The redjerseys, almost here, with their women so unbecoming,
The people will waken and listen to hear
"The fanboys are coming!, the fanboys are coming!",
And the midnight message of Pinhead Revere.

Collar Up with apologies to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

BUrat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit of Glorious Nation of Boston University

2006-11-17T10:23:00.000-05:00

One of this country's greatest pleasures is to sit back and escape to another world via the silver screen. Though your superiors have a tough time balancing a hectic social schedule full of cotillions and other gilded events, the people you wish you were do find the time on occasion to explore interesting cinematic options.

One day at Stately Pinhead Manor, a lively debate centering around whether a Montecristo No. 2 or a Ramon Allones would best maximize the flavor of a glass of Hubert Germain-Robin was interrupted by an advertisement for a new movie that flashed across the Pioneer flat-screen.

The film, BUrat, Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit of Glorious Nation of Boston University caught our attention. Apparently, it is a documentary about a Boston University student, "Burat", who leaves his dorm along the slatternly end of Commonwealth Avenue to make a film about his experiences and falls in love along the way.

BU senior Burat has starred in such Boston University movies such as "Beanpots and Booze: The Jack Parker Story" and "Warren Towers and Turkish Showers".

It starts with our hero, "Burat", a Boston University senior from Parts Unknown, Eurasia, riding the green line en route to meet his cameraman, Paco, an illegal immigrant from Puerto Rico who is finishing up his degree in Pharaceuticals at UMass-Lowell. While on the T, Burat spends his time reading advertisements on the train ranging from learning to speak Swahili to earning a Masters Degree in Middle Eastern Dancing online from Boston University.

After a long subway ride, Burat finally meets up with Paco and their journey is set to begin as they load their belongings into Paco's 1985 Toyota Corolla. Burat, armed with his camera-toting hispanic friend, plans on travelling across the "US and A" interviewing people asking what their favorite "Beanpot moment" is.

Paco, a soon-to-be UMass-Lowell graduate, steals the movie through his witty banter and sexual misfortunes as Burat's cameraman during their journey.

Their first stop is in Granville, West Virginia, a small town just off of Don Knotts Boulevard. As Burat begins his conversations with the Granville locals, he's immediately stunned to find they are upset that Burat has an accent that is of Middle Eastern dialect. Surprised to hear that no one in West Virginia has ever heard of the "Beanpot" or cares about Jack Parker's drinking problems, Burat becomes upset and just as he was about to curse them to Allah, he quickly understands why they seem preoccupied.

It seems that a handful of coal miners from nearby Pursglove have gotten themselves stuck in a mine. That coupled with West Virginia University's football loss to Louisville have the locals in a panic. When Burat mentions he thinks he brought something from Boston that can help the miners, the locals upon hearing the word "Boston", immediately begin urinating in plastic bags in preparation for launch. Fortunately, Burat saves the day when he opens his suitcase and offers them a case of his "dancing glowsticks" and they are used to rescue the trapped miners.

Upon their arrival, Burat and Paco were welcomed by West Virginia's Chamber of Commerce.

To show their gratitude, the Granville residents give Burat and Paco a burned couch and a copy of the latest Lane Bryant catalog to satisfy their prurient interests along the highway. Somewhere between West Virginia and South Carolina, Burat becomes infatuated with one of the models in the Lane Bryant catalog, a 300 lbs delight that reminds him or his girlfriend during his sophomore year at BU.

From this moment on, Burat's cross country ride becomes a two-fold plan, to complete his documentary on the Beanpot and to find this mysterious potbellied princess who has captured his foreign heart. Their second stop on their journey is in Pendleton, South Carolina where Burat immediately is confronted with racist overtones and open bigotry.

As the sun set in Pendleton, Burat and Paco stumble upon a local religious ceremony and figure this is a great opportunity to ask the locals their thoughts on BU's Beanpot domination. Burat, remembering the xenophobia he encountered earlier upon his arrival in the Palmetto State, figures the best way to interview the local inhabitants at the ceremony is to blend in.

Burat's photography was instrumental in getting BU's Boink Magazine off the ground in 2005.

With Paco filming, Burat slips into his white sheet that the parishiners have donned and slowly approaches a hooded man in front of a burning cross and asks him of his memories of Chris Heron's role in the 1999 Beanpot. The funny scene ends with Burat and Paco running for their lives and faster than a BU coed who has just learned of "2 for 1 Taco Day" at the campus' Taco Bell.

After two failed attempts to discover precious Beanpot memories, fate finally smiled on Burat. Just hours after escaping the mob in Pendleton, Burat stopped in a local Seven-Eleven outside of Charleston, South Carolina to buy some kashi. As Burat and Paco discussed where to go next, the clerk overheard their "Beanpot" talk and when he noticed their were buying Kashi, he asked if they were from Boston University.

To their surprise, the clerk at the Seven-Eleven was former Northeastern hockey player Donny Grover who played in the Beanpot for the Huskies and now splits his time between store clerk and parttime player for the South Carolina Stingrays. Grover's memories of the Beanpot were fond as it was the closest his team came to playing in any type of "Frozen Four".

Burat(left),interviews former Husky Donnie Grover who discussed life at NU ranging from the Beanpot to on-campus riots.

Elated by the fact that someone finally recognized the Beanpot for the world-class sporting event that it is, Burat left South Carolina and traveled west. Although his primary thoughts focused on college hockey's ultimate prize (the Beanpot), Burat couldn't stop thinking of his rotundous darling in the magazine. He found his mind thinking less about the Beanpot and more about how much he'd like to take her to Landsdowne Street, give her some Xtacy while listening to Techno and take her back to his dorm. There he would peel back her many layers of sweaty elephantine flesh hiding her scrumptous undercarriage and give her a "sexy time".

Fascination turned into obsession and Burat knew he had to have her. The plans for the Beanpot documentary were scrapped and the two filmographers changed their roadplan to Lane Bryant's corporate headquarters, ironically back home in Taunton, Massachusetts. Knowing Lane Bryant made outfits for women whose clothes can be used to protect a baseball infield during a rain delay, Burat was not surprised to learn their offices were so close to Boston University and their large market base

When Burat and Paco pulled into the Lane Bryant headquarters, he imagined that magical moment when he and his unknown love would finally meet. Many times he gave himself a "hand party" just thinking of her. As they proceeded through the lobby that included a Krispie Kreme kiosk, they finally discovered the office of marketing who would be able to help Burat find his 2-kilo hero.

Sadly, they could not bribe the marketing director to secure the woman's home address. BU hockey tickets vs. Merrimack, an signed 8 x 10 photo of Mike Eruzione, nor a free BU version of "English to profanity" would entice the official to hand over the info Burat desperately wanted.

Sadly, Burat was never able to find the target of his love and (like most BU graduates) will be left wanting in life.

Defeated and dejected, Burat and his accomplice returned to the Toyota Corolla and headed back to the Boston University campus. Paco, seeing his friend was depressed, did his best to cheer Burat up. He offered to buy him a new BU flag to wave at games and offered to even jump up and down with him during games, but there was no cheering up Burat.

In the end, Burat realizes a meeting with his fantasy lover was never meant to be and he returns to his life as a senior at Boston University. Although he will always wonder what might have been, once Burat finds himself on the dancefloor on Landsdowne Street with his fellow BU students, he discovers he is truly home, even though he is here on a Student Visa.

Collar Up.

Mailbag Friday, 10/27

2006-10-25T13:08:00.000-04:00

After a lengthy layoff, your superiors have once again opened our e-mail bag and will grace some lucky petitioners who have sent us their meager questions. If you would like to ask "the people you wish you were" a question or have something to say, drop us an email at 'mailbag@pinheadnation.com' and we'll do our best to oblige your request to communicate with a higher set of people. Without further adieu, here's a handful of items found in the Pinhead Nation mailbag recently:

Q - Adam F. (Brighton, MA). "Considering how ugly girls at BU are already, can you imagine how FUGLY they will look with their halloween costumes on?"

A- Adam, although at first glance, you appear to be correct, your superiors caution you not to jump to conclusions. In many cases, women at Boston University (as per their religious custom back home in the Middle East) wear burkas and cover their faces all year.

For those coeds at the ugly end of Commonwealth Avenue who call America home and attend BU due to low S.A.T. scores or overall academic futility, the concept of covering their faces may improve their overall physical attribute. Nonethless, if you happen to be on their campus this Halloween, look closely to make sure any girl you question is wearing a Halloween costume or if she merely blessed with remarkably repugnant facial features.

Halloween at Boston University offers a great opportunity for BU coeds to decorate their display their pumpkins around campus.

Q - Dan P. (Shrewsbury, MA). "Hey guys, I love your milk carton teams, especially this year's preseason milk carton team. I hate to steal your ideas, but have you ever thought of having a "All-Dented Milk Carton Team", that is a team of injured NCAA hockey stars over the years? Here's what I came up with.

F- BU's Travis Roy - Though he broke his neck eleven seconds into his first ever shift, his on-ice impact was still better for BU than Dan Spang's 4 year career. Im kind of surprised Parkah didn't make him mix his drinks for him to keep his scholarship.

F- UNH's Patrick Foley - With his head full of cement, his knees ended being made of plastic after several knee injuries. Now he works for a USA Hockey program that must not have asked to see his college transcript.

F- Minnesota's Tyler Hirsch - One of Minnesota's better forwards, Hirsch's mind turned into jello resulting in scoring a breakaway goal in front of 15,000 fans ten minutes after the game ended. Going insane is still an injury.

D- BC's JD Forrest - Late in his freshmen year, he had his hand sliced by a skate and his career plummeted. Considering his academic problems at BC, maybe he hit his head that day, too.

D- ????

G- BU's J.P. McKersie - While riding his bike around BU's campus, McKersie was hit by a subway train. After his accident, hobos on campus rolled him and took his wallet.

Coach - Sean Walsh - Legendary Maine coach dies of cancer just months after coaching Maine's team in the NCAA tournament only to be replaced by coach whose fans think is braindead. His ghost can still be seen cheating late at night deep in the bowels of Alfond Arena.

What do you guys think?"

A- Dan, frankly, your superiors are aghast and speechless. Some potential for greatness here, Dan, but you are clearly in a very dark place right now. A little therapy ought to clear that up pretty quickly. Good luck!

Perhaps that sicko Dan P. would like to use this picture for his future "All-Dented Milk Carton Team".

Q - Deborah B. (Menomonie, Wisconsin). Hi Pinheads. Are you coming to Madtown for this weekend's big series vs. the National Champion Badgers? I love saying that! Maybe B.C. will have better luck this time but I hope not!

A - Deborah, sadly, your state will be denied the opportunity for a return visit by your superiors. We graced your state with our presence last April at the game you referenced in your question. The state of Wisconsin reminded me of the perfect place to end one's own life. Cold, dreary, smelling of old cheese, and with a disturbing paucity of quality yachting facilities.

Well, that's going to do it for this season's first installment of our Pinhead Nation mailbag. Drop us a line and maybe you'll find your question on our next edition.

Collar Up.

2006-2007 Preseason All-Milk Carton Team

2006-10-19T22:57:00.000-04:00

With the new season underway and with it the nascent feeling of disappointment for those fans not privileged to root for "America's Team", it's time for your superiors to bestow on Hockey East our annual PreSeason Milk-Carton Team. For those unwashed neophytes uninitiated with this honor, the people you wish you were are proud to announce this year's list of Hockey East cataclysms guaranteed to embitter fans through their hockey ineptitude:

Preseason Milkman of the Year:

Mike Morris, F, NU - Last season 19-20-39

As many should know, the contaminated Huskies fans of Northeastern are looking for a reason to get excited that has nothing to do with scoring a quality price on an "8-Ball" on campus. The return of Mike Morris is certainly a reason for members of the DogCrapHouse to get revved up for the season. Similar to seeing a UFO or finding a NU fan who is accustomed with the word "soap", Morris put together a spectacular 39-point season with 19 goals and 20 assists just two years ago. He sat out last season and medically redshirted because of his issues with post-concussion syndrome following a "Jackass" stunt gone awry. After hours of deliberation, your superiors feel that Morris is going to struggle this year more than a BU coed trying to fit into jeans that don't have an elastic wasteband, thus, Morris has been selected as our Preseason "Milkman of the Year".

First, he has more rust to shake off than the average Toyota Corolla in the UMass-Lowell student parking lot. Second, the status of his brain certainly might be an issue. Like a Vietnam vet thinking the war is still going on, he might still think he's playing for beleaguered coach Bruce Crowder. If he does catch on to his new coach Greg Cronin and assistant coach Brendan Walsh (former BU/Maine scumbag), he needs to learn a whole new game of thuggery that Cronin and Walsh have brought to Huntington Ave... not to mention drinking beer and eating Chinese food in the locker room. This kid could have a potentially serious identity crisis on his hands if he lost any memory from his concussion. Look for Morris' stock to drop and ultimately end up becoming a lifetime member of the Worcester Sharks joining fellow Hockey East ruination Dan Spang.

Kenny Roche, F, BU - Last season 17-14-31

We have no idea how Kenny "Cock" Roche scored 17 goals last year, but apparently someone had to score the goals for BU. Considering he is on a line with Peter MacOverrated and the semi-mulleted Cushing Academy intellectual Boomer Ewing, look for his production to drop from last season. The result will see BU falling short of expectations once again this season despite the foul-mouthed dillusions of the limp-wristed, flag waving BC rejects at EggAnus Arena. Your superiors simply feel this line can't handle the responsibility of carrying the "weight" of being the top line for the Terriers as they lost their entire top line to graduation/Taco Bell Management Training Program.

The Nation is always excited about the possibility of a disappointing season from a Brokeback University forward. These events usually kick off a chain of events that ultimately ends up with Coach Jack "The Inibriator" Parker, the 2nd winningest active coach in college hockey, drinking gallons of rubbing alcohol while slumped in the fetal position embracing a picture of Herb Wakabayashi. Aside from this, your superiors look forward to watching Roche, the Southie native, fall flat just before Parker tells his sycophantic Boston media that he believes Roche "is an Aaaaaaaall Ameeeeeeericaaaaaaaaaaan!!! (hiccup)."

Josh Soares, F, ME, - Last season 15-26-41

Even Pinhead Nation can admit this kid had a wonderful season last year for the Black Bears, scoring more goals than the average age of Keith Johnson's girlfriends. In addition to getting preseason honors from Pinhead Nation as a preseason All-Milk Carton Team, we have also decided to honor him with the Hockey East "Goofiest Looking Canadian Bastard Award". With the Maine program slowly on the decline under Tim "Snooks" Whitehead and Billy Ryan, another educational mongoloid from Cushing Academy, Soares is expected to score the bulk of the goals for the Black Bears. Regardless, we're convinced that with a little penicillin, this "Soare" will disappear, too.

Cleve Kinley, D, UML - Last season 0-12-12 (-7)

Cleve Kinley was selected for this preseason award after his abyssmal play last season and a certain UML fan's statement that Kinley was "better than Peter Harrold." We forgive our diluted pal for being so hideously incorrect about that statement, which is even more apparent now after Harrold's impressive showing in the LA Kings' camp. Nonethless, we can not forgive Kinley for being such a terrible hockey player and letting our good chum Ryan down. Unless he scores negative goals, he can't decrease his goal production but we're not sure he's going to exceed last season's goal total of zero, either. Additionally, with a more pathetic team this season for the Riverhawks, don't expect Kinley to improve on that -7 rating of a year ago. Fortunately for Kinley, with Bobby Robins gone, he has a legitimate shot at winning the team's "MarioCart" championship which will inexplicably lead to UNH raising a banner for it.

Craig Switzer, D, UNH - Last season 2-14-16 (-6)

Defensemen at UNH just have to be picked for this award. After all, this kid and the other players in the UNH corps of defensemen were understudies of the great defensive defenseman - the man, the myth, the legend - Brian Yandle. Playing defense is just a foreign concept to UNH players, where the forwards are renowned for their cherry-picking and their defensemen are known for making highlights reels for the wrong reasons. Fans of these loveable losers wonder why they have never won a national title and must settle for rooting for Winston Cup crowns. As you can see by his totals, just 2 goals and a -6 rating last season, fans can expect similar failings from Switzer as his production will not increase. Additionally, with uber-sieve Kevin Regan expected to inherit the nets up in Titletown, his -6 rating from last season could be even worse this season.

Kevin Regan, G, UNH - Last season 8-8-5 2.63 GAA .914 save %

Regan split time with senior Jeff Pietresiak last season until even Dick Umile realized no matter how much he whistled, his goaltender stunk. Surprisingly, the Rogaine-riddled coach never realized this earlier considering his experience with former UNH goalies as Snow Mike Ayers and Ty Chokelin. With a .500 record and average numbers last season, we expect Regan to struggle and possibly lose his starting job once again this season. Also, you'll notice the 5 ties he had last season, too. Clearly Regan fits like a glove at UNH with his affinity for "sister kissing." Look for a NASCAR logo to be painted on his helmet in an attempt to gain popularity among the unwashed masses in Titletown. "Live Championship Free or Die."

Rookie Milkman of the Year:

Eric Gryba, D, BU

"The Saskatoon Goon" led the USHL with 205 PIMS for the Green Bay Gamblers. He scored just 3G-12A-15 points in 56 games in the regular season. The most noticeable number, however, shows up in his playoff statistics. His -5 rating in playoffs for the Gamblers should ensure that BU doesn't see the Frozen Four for another 4 years. Not long after that, BU's recruits will have been born after their last national championship.

Fortunately at the raffish end of Commonwealth Avenue, hockey titles are won in February so by April, the fanboys and glowstick dancers will find themselves returning to their X-tacy induced comas on Landsdowne Street until next year's Midnight Madness/Swearing contest at EggAnus Arena followed by a mass prayer to Allah for absolution.

Coach Milkman of the Year:

Blaise McDonald, UML

With lots of losses to graduation and 15 freshmen on the roster, Blaise and his Riverhawks are going to have trouble "standing up" to even the lowest expectations. In addition to losing solid players such as Danny O'Brien, bust Elias Godoy, and Bobby Robbins to graduation, Lowell lost a lot more during the postseason than the numbers of Lowell residents lost to the Immigration and Naturalization Service.

With a borderline mutiny among the players in response to the way Blaise treated senior-to-be defenseman Adam Stanieich (no longer with Lowell), they lost their only real goaltender as Peter Vetri left Lowell with 2 years of remaining eligibility after becoming tired of seeking Leprechaun McDonald's imaginary pot of gold.

Unfortunately for Lowell fans, the Riverhawks are going to struggle mightily with this terrible, freshman-laden roster and a goaltender whose name is more appropriate for male porn than stopping pucks. The good news for Blaise is the rumored mutiny never happened. The bad news, of course, is the expectations for his program continue to be "Low, Lower, and Lowest in Lowell.

Collar Up.

A reminder to all that Pinhead Nation will reintroduce our "Mailbag" soon. If you have any comments or questions for your superiors, drop us a line to "Mailbag@Pinheadnation.com. We promise to do our best to answer your meager inquiries.

2006-07 Hockey East Preview

2006-10-09T15:08:00.000-04:00

Here at Stately Pinhead Manor, the long wait is over. Autumn has arrived and with it, the beginning of the long seven-month peregrination culminating in championship glory for America's Team. Although succumbing to Wisconsin in the National Championship game last spring in the dilapidated land of "Laverne and Shirley", Boston College, the top ranked hockey team in the land, is prepared to pop their collars and return sublimity to Chestnut Hill.

Before your superiors can order dozens of cases of Clos du Mesnil to pop in April, America's Team must complete the obligatory promenade through the Hockey East schedule to sharpen their collective sticks in preparation for the Frozen Four in St. Louis. For the unenlightened, the people you wish you were offer our selections for what could be a very competitive race for second place in Hockey East this winter.

1.) Boston College

As the preseason pick to win Hockey East as well as the favorite to win the national title, America's Team has the benefit of using October-March as preparation for April.

Good News for BC Fans: For those future collar-ups who must travel commercially, air fares to St. Louis are affordable even for a U.Mass graduate.

Bad News for BC Fans: Although resting along the Mississippi River, St. Louis is not known for quality yachting facilities.

The coaches at Boston College feel their new uniforms epitomize the image and beliefs of BC's march to true elitism.

2.) Providence College

After starting hot last fall, Providence College went down faster than a Lowell prostitute in the backseat of an El Camino. Most feel that coach Tim Army is the man who can restore the "House of Bussiere" to its rightful place as second fiddle to America's Team in Hockey East.

Good News for PC Fans: Significant changes have come to Schneider Arena. Gone are the maroon and gold seats, the silver "disco" ceiling, and free jars of Buddy Cianci's marinara sauce in the lobby.

Bad News for PC Fans: Like those buried in the cemetery in the middle of PC's campus, Providence College's devotion to the moribund Big East Conference will guarantee their basketball team is buried there soon.

The Zancanaro twins, a fixture in Hockey East, have finally graduated and have taken a job with the Barnstable County Fair.

3.) Maine

The Blackbears had a typical season in 2005-06: No offense, off-ice incidents involving the police that were swept under the rug, and a trip to the Frozen Four where they were dispatched without a whimper. Expect the same this year minus the Frozen Four trip.

Good News for Maine Fans: Sophomore forward Vince Laise will turn 24 years old this January and be a year closer to earning Social Security. Maine fans hope Laise's extra cash will result in an increase in baked potato sales at Alfond Arena on game nights.

Bad News for Maine Fans: "Hopeless Romantic" Keith Johnson is finally a senior and his decision of which girl on the swings he plans on asking to the Senior Dance is imminent. 40-year old leather-clad grandparents from Boothbay to Bangor are hoping their granddaughters find the golden ticket and accompany Johnson to the dance.

Grant Standbrook, former Assistant at Maine, has taken a new job with greater responsiblities and outstanding opportunities for career advancement.

4.) New Hampshire

It's hardly a surprise NASCAR, the ultimate display of white trash, is held in New Hampshire because UNH hockey best resembles a country/western song. It starts fresh, but by the end, your girl is gone, your job is gone, and your truck is gone. UNH made the tournament last year, but faster than you could ask "Why do UNH fans wear 'Members Only' jackets?", they were dispatched without a peep. Dont expect a tourney appearance this year.

Good News for UNH Fans: Daniel Winnik is a star and Keith Yandle and Angelo Esposito look to have breakout years. Wait, nevermind. Also, the "Seal Lady's" Ford F-150 with built-in dip cup is almost paid off.

Bad News for UNH Fans: UNH has condensed their "hundreds of hockey banners" and no longer can UNH fans look up at them and pretend they have an elite program with years of past glory.

At UNH, if the men's hockey program fails, students know the "women's" hockey program can be counted on for on-ice glory.

5.) Boston University

The BU "5-0's" will take the ice at EggAnus Arena knowing they were 'this' close to the Frozen Four last year. Unfortunately, America's Team got to play them away from Causeway Street and away from referees from Hockey East and BU watched as BC astroglided them.

Good News for BU Fans: Boston University hockey games will be seen live on Al-Jazeera TV all season long. Also, steel reinforced girders have been installed into EggAnus Arena just in time for this fall's crop of BU coeds.

Bad News for BU Fans: Potty-mouths will no longer be allowed to attend hockey games. Grief counselors have been hired to help those BU fans who feel compelled to drop f-bombs in front of children. Also, coach Jack Parker will no longer be available for the "Dunk the Drunk" promotion between periods at home games.

Seats at EggAnus Arena have been reinforced with steel to ensure all BU coeds can enjoy the game without the fear of a structural accident.

6.) Vermont

The Elephant Walkers begin year two of their Hockey East lives. Similar to Providence, the Catamounts won last year's "Flash in the Pan" Award, going from top 5 nationally to missing the NCAA playoffs.

Good News for UVM Fans: Despite a pathetic showing down the stretch, they have not been kicked out of Hockey East as of yet. In case UVM has a good season and excitement builds, the state still allows for same-sex marriages for those "Green Mountain Boys" who enjoy getting a high stick in the crease while eating Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream to the tune of "The Elephant Walk".

Bad News for UVM Fans: Despite a strong inauguration into Hockey East, the losses of Jaime Sifers and 6th year senior Brady Leisenring will ensure a road trip in the Hockey East playoffs and a quick exit to the offseason.

7.) University of Massachusetts

Of all the teams in Hockey East, U.Mass has some potential to not embarrass themselves as much as they have in the past. Gone are stiffs such as past Minutemen' Marvin Degon, Kelly Sickavish, and Markus Helanen and coach "Toot" Cahoon has done a remarkable job into tricking college recruits to come to Amherst.

Good News for UMass Fans: Despite bombing their SATs and years of drinking bong water inside Kennedy Tower, U.Mass students may have a reason to come to the Mullins Center this hockey season.

Bad News for UMass Fans: Most UMass fans are too drunk/stupid to find their way to the Mullins Center for anything, let alone hockey. Most will spend the winter walking the campus high on rubbing alcohol and wondering how Marcus Camby could afford that gold necklace he wore to Basketweaving 101 class as a sophomore.

Expect Boston University to "drop" a few places in Hockey East as the losses of their top offensive line and top defenseman will bring BU "back to Earth".

8.) Northeastern

Perennial cellar-dwellar Northeastern once again will take the ice this fall because the schedule says they have to. Though the ghost of Bruce Crowder can still be seen haunting the hallowed halls of the old Boston Arena, the stench you'll notice as you enter the rink isn't the non-showering student body, but the team itself. Expect little and you'll still feel ripped off.

Good News for NU Fans: Since money is always an issue for the NU student who must balance his subsidized budget between buying food and buying pot, students can save on Beanpot tickets this year as by drawing BU in round one, there's no need to buy tickets to the final.

Bad News for NU Fans: They must spend each morning looking in the mirror and realizing that they attend Northeastern University.

9.) U.Mass-Lowell

Once again, Lowell's 7 fans begin the hockey season knowing their odyssey is like a six-month boat ride that ends by going over a waterfall. Coach Blaise McDonald, a man who makes Miami football coach Larry Coker look like Vince Lombardi, will once again stand on 5 phone books behind the Lowell bench and take the helm. A bunch of graduation losses and little quality recruits will make UMLGoon an angry boy.

Good News for Lowell Fans: The Merrimack River is nearby for those who feel drowning is a better solution than watching their team play Maine at home.

Bad News for Lowell Fans: Due to a scheduling snafu, Bentley College and Perkins School for the Blind were left off UML's hockey schedule. Without these two games, Lowell may find themselves winless in non-conference contests this season.

10.) Merrimack College

Once again, Merrimack has found themselves preparing for another season in Hockey East. Last season, Merrimack won exactly two games after December 1st last year. With little in the tank this year, Coach and America's Team alum Mark Dennehy may actually suffer the indignity of being the coach on a team that loses every game this year.

Good News for Merrimack Fans: There is no good news whatsoever if you are a Merrimack fan this year except the fact that MC no longer has bush-league broadcasters on the radio.

Bad News for Merrimack Fans: Infinity + Merrimack hockey = Infinity

Unfortunately for Merrimack fans, tenth place is one of many "positions" this team will find themselves in once again.

With the new season underway, its time for your superiors at Stately Pinhead Manor to sit back, light a Dunhill Cabinetta, and anxiously await seeing which team wins the battle for second place in Hockey East this season.

Collar Up.

Operation: Glowstick

2006-09-12T20:28:00.000-04:00

There is nothing like autumn on the grounds at Stately Pinhead Manor. As the hired help works to drain the pool and take the 280-foot Neorion out of the slip, your superiors eagerly await the onset of the foliage season. With a crisp chill in the air, it is clear that we are only mere weeks away from our trees showing brilliant shades of orange, red, and yellow with brightness rivaling gang colors displayed nightly on "do-rags" throughout U.Mass-Lowell's campus.

Early on Tuesday morning, the paper arrived and within the sports page a strange story caught our eyes. It explained how the NCAA and Boston University were working to clean the foul mouths of the thousands of great unwashed who attend BU hockey games at EggAnus Arena in Boston. Between painting their haglike faces, dancing together like waiters at the Ramrod and idosyncratic adults waving Boston U. flags, the 2,200 or so hardcore Terrier fans embarrass themselves nightly. They show their pride and their plebeian class most by chiding the opposition with foul language, racial epithets, and curse-laden chants displaying their inferiority complex for all to see.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncaa/news/story?id=2584380

Sensing an ulterior motive by BU's President Robert Brown, the people you wish you were commissioned one of our drones to pretend to be a BU student. Donning an ersatz turban and a fabricated hatred for America, our menial vassal aimed to infultrate the diverse aggregate of late teens and twenty-somethings hailing from Parts Unknown and having nothing in common except a Boston College rejection letter.

After ten days working deep undercover sharing Falafel with the raffish outside the George Sherman Union and witnessing illicit opium sales inside the barren Gerald Tsai Fitness Center, our inbedded operative uncovered a plot that went right to the top of BU's administration. It was referred to as "Operation: Glowstick".

With the construction of the EggAnus Arena, hundreds of bandwagon BU coeds traded in their burkas and Lane Bryant lifetime shopper cards for hockey jerseys and stopped frequenting Landsdowne Street in favor of hockey games. When the "paunch princesses" stopped coming, so did the men and hundreds of square feet of dance floor and thousands of unused glowsticks and Xtacy pills caused alarm among club owners.

At a secret meeting in a private room inside the Hotel Commonwealth, several BU trustees met with nightclub owners and made a clandestine pact to drive their students back to the nightclubs and away from EggAnus Arena. "Operation: Glowstick" aimed to force students out of the arena and back to Landsdowne street in three phases or what they called "The 3 F's". Those F's being "Foul mouths", "fat people", and "foreigners". By banning the 3 F's from EggAnus Arena, the reasoning was all three sets, comprising of 99% of BU's student body, would return to the clubs and things would return to normal.

Clearly, with the news breaking regarding vulgarity at hockey games would not be tolerated, Boston University's "Operation: Glowstick" was underway. According to a secret missive obtained by our operative, phase two of the plan, the banning of fat people from EggAnus Arena was merely weeks away. Without the means to eliminate these "chunky canines" publicly, Boston University has chosen to make it difficult for any student owning his/her own gravitational pull to tolerate the physical changes to the arena.

If "Operation: Glowstick" succeeds, fans like this will be forced back to Landsdowne Street where amorous BU students will once again decide whether to have sex with this crack or rent a mule and take the burrow ride down it.

By 2008, all escalators and elevators will be removed from the arena and fans weighing over 300 lbs. will be blackballed from jumbotron appearances during "kiss cam" and "bark like a Terrier" promotions. At the concession stands, fans will no longer be able to order a side of grease and asking for a "cup of fudge" to dip their chicken fingers in will no longer be offered.

BU officials hope coeds will abandon "cross checks" for "Chalupas" and "Beanpots" for "Bean Burritos".

Seating at the rink will be changed by replacing the existing 72" seats and replaced with 32" seats under the guise of increasing attendance. People who can't fit into the much smaller seats will be required to purchase two seats together allowing for the arm rest in between to slide inside the cavernous crack of the patron's backside.

In case this strategy fails, school officials have enlisted a campus restaurant to help their cause. Starting in 2009, Taco Bell on Commonwealth Avenue will offer a new "Tickets for Tacos" campaign where any unused Terrier hockey ticket can be exchanged prior to gametime for all you can eat double-decker tacos and a free "Choco Taco".

With those BU fans who need their mouths washed out with soap and those who can't keep anything out of their mouths eliminated from the equation, the last piece of the puzzle are those undergrads who represent the largest sector of the BU population, those from lands far, far away.

Boston University is a school that has embraced the fact that the majority of their student body hails from overseas. It was an early fear that they would abandon their culture for the raffish hobbies of the BU students who attend the school due to the fact that their application to Boston College was declined.

Considering many of the students from Europe, Asia, or the Middle East tend to come from families with money, it is imperative that this demographic spend their money at the clubs rather than the rink. Clearly the most important of the "3 F's", BU has chosen the tactic of fear to keep them out of EggAnus Arena.

When BU fans are asked to "show their red ATM cards", foreign students will be asked to show their "green cards" or face expulsion. Rather than face embarrassment, the hope is many will avoid the arena and head to Landwdowne Street where all you can eat Kashi and women without burkas await.

Foreign students quickly invaded EggAnus Arena,much to the chagrin of BU officials.

According to our inbedded associate, no timetable has been set for the completion of this covert operation. To avoid word of the plan leaking out to BU alums, BU Trustees and club owners are forbidden from visiting any local Wendy's Restaurants where several BU graduates earn employment. With phase one of this plan already in the works, only time will tell when those obese or foreign fans will ultimately meet the same fate as their foul-mouthed bretheren.

In an effort to drive students from BU's School of Engineering out of EggAnus Arena, the University has brought in one of their "old friends" from the homeland.

Collar Up.

Loudon Nights: The Legend of Robbie Barker

2006-08-24T23:29:00.000-04:00

The sun was setting on another spectacular day on the grounds at Stately Pinhead Manor. As the hired help began to pack up their Toyota Corollas, humming their school fight song "Fight Mass" to each other after an 8 hour day of mowing lawns and pulling weeds, one of them stopped by the Manse with a request.

Normally, your superiors wouldn't consort with someone who earns money "hourly", but feeling a bit eleemosynary, we allowed the artisan into our midst to hear his meager entreaty. It seems our unlettered proletarian hailed from the Granite State and requested the weekend of September 17 off to attend the wedding of his sister which was to take place following the "Sylvania 300" NASCAR race in Loudon, New Hampshire.

With our patrician mouths agog, the people you wish you were struggled to find articulation. As we rushed to open another 21-year old bottle of Dalmore, we had no choice but to approve his request for the time away from the Manor. After he left to re-join his fellow half-wits in the Corolla, your superiors did some research into "NASCAR" to find out why it appeals to such a puerile and bourgeois portion of the south and New Hampshire.

New Hampshire, known as the "Redneck Riviera" by most New Englanders, is proud to support NASCAR as well as other white trash activities.

Admittedly, your superiors know very little about NASCAR. It appears, though, that it resembles the goings-on that take place outside the window of the Bentley as our driver weaves through traffic on our way into Louisburg Square to meet our college chums. According to some churls, this activity is considered a 'sport' and is attended by thousands of grotesquely obese yokels. Wearing their best "who farted?" t-shirts, they douse themselves in domestic back wash and cheer for loud noises while filling their overalls with urine.

Loudon, New Hampshire's population swells with sophisticated NASCAR fans from across the Granite State.

We certainly don't intend to sound crass, but NASCAR is no more a sport than taking a jaunt on a golf cart or watching one of our drones ride the bus. In the absence of sports such as polo or learning to raise a keel, gunnysack inhabitants of states such as New Hampshire turn to an activity that requires no more athletic ability than to perpetually turn left while spitting into a brass cup.

Race fans from NH will spend hours on the phone with Ticketmaster seeking elusive NASCAR ducats hoping to witness the sport's next fatal wreck.

Fans of this activity, it appears, are what give NASCAR its edge among those who find siblings attractive and feel Don Knotts is the greatest actor in American history. Although beginning in the south, it was only a matter of time until "the sport of serfs" reached Confederate New Hampshire as its inhabitants are made for NASCAR: slow, doltish, and devoid of all sanitary persuasion.

Your superiors hope our landscaper has a boisterous time in Loudon and look forward to his return. When he does make it back to Stately Pinhead Manor, the proper delousing and necessitous penicillin shots will be administered prior to his return to employment.

BU runs on Dunkin

Collar Up.

Return of the Natives

2006-08-17T19:00:00.000-04:00

Even for a prodigious group of individuals such as your superiors, a paradisiacal summer spent on the beaches of Fiji isn't eternal. Now that August has arrived and our annual ten weeks of requiescence has ceased, the time has come to return to Stately Pinhead Manor and continue our peregrination towards a utopian collar-up society.

Though it's refreshing to acquaint ourselves once again with the hired help around the Manor, including a team of Northeastern University graduates whose landscaping skills rival the artistic brilliance of Gustav Klimt, it's somewhat bereaving to bid adieu to those students hired for the summer who must return to their raffish universities.

One particular summer intern, Tariq Goldman, who specialized in lawn mower repair and hopes to work at a Jiffy Lube following his graduation from Boston University, was one the people you wish you were will particularly miss. As the maid cleaned his vacant room, she found an urgent letter from BU President Robert Brown with a message for all returning students. Though belonging to this insensate, albeit hardworking BC reject, your superiors opened a bottle of Frapin Chateau Fontpinot and began to read...

Dear New and Returning Boston University Students:

هتاف للترحيب, Welcome, Bienvenu, Willkommen in der Heimat!

With summer coming to an end, I'd like to welcome our new and returning students back to Boston University! Knowing that most of you are coming to Boston from overseas, as President, I feel compelled to remind you to allow plenty of time to travel from your homeland to school. With the continued terrorist threats from the Middle East, sadly the home to many of our Boston University student community, I must remind you that classes begin on Tuesday, September 5.

Unlike years past, BU will not excuse our students who have visa problems, passport issues, or are detained for questioning due to hightened security. Also, remember for those travelling to Boston via plane and not by raft, liquids are prohibited from air travel. If you are in need of cologne or perfume and cannot bring them on an airplane, they can be purchased at one of several Walgreens' stores throughout Greater Boston.

"Boink" Magazine returns to BU for its third straight year. Coeds interested in posing should attend mandatory meeting at campus Taco Bell on Saturday, September 2 at 1pm.

For those students interested in athletics, the BU Ice Hockey Team, known as the "Fighting 5-oh's", looks to return to the top of the college hockey world by winning the sacred Beanpot once again. Join us at our new Egg-Anus Arena where this year's Ice Dogs look to continue the storied tradition of Sabo, Kealty, Collins, and Tapp.

Tears of joy will flow again when BU hockey wins another national championship at TD Banknorth Garden on February 12, 2007!

Student life at Boston University has never been better. For those students residing in one of our several dormitories, gift bags await your arrival. Though its contents will remain a surprise, donations from BU alumni have ensured that students will not be short of glow-sticks for countless weekends of dancing on Landsdowne Street.

"American Pride" will be the theme for 2007 at Boston University

Of course, one cannot discuss student life at Boston University without mentioning the dozens of night clubs where our students can dance to blow off steam after grueling midterms or painful hockey losses to Boston College. Thanks to our neighbors on Landsdowne Street, BU students will benefit, once again, by frequenting night clubs where the Kashi is always half price and the techno sounds of Fettabscheider is always loud.

A night at "The Modern" is always a hit among female students at Boston University who like to dance in the dark and eat at the Y.

Once again, on behalf of myself and my wife Beverly, I welcome you back to Boston University. Here at BU, we are hoping you enjoy your time at our university and hope when your time here is done and you return to your country, you'll never forget the school that taught you how to "growl like a Terrier" and find your way on the "Kiss Cam".

Best Wishes,

Dr. Robert A. Brown
President, Boston University

As the letter concluded and your superiors took the last sip of the Fontpinot, as troubled as the people you wish you were felt, one thing became clear. It was time to get back to work.

Collar Up.

Gone Yachting

2006-07-18T19:09:00.000-04:00

Your Superiors will see you in August.

Collar Up.

In Lowell, a flood counts as a bath

2006-05-19T18:44:00.000-04:00

"Such pomposity". After that brief phrase of satiety, I hung up the phone. Just 48 hours before your superiors hosted a celebration recognizing prep school chum Maxwell Cornelssen's acceptance to the yacht club you wish you belonged, our plans appeared to be scuttled.

Due to the rain that fell on the north shore of Massachusetts, Stately Pinhead Manor's head landscaper, a UMass-Lowell graduate, called to inform us he had to go home to Lowell. Apparently, his family was struggling with the flooding that was threatening his clan's housing project and could no longer continue to work the grounds in preparation for our soiree.

Despite the rising waters, some UMass-Lowell students continued to call WAMG radio looking for free Gloria Estefan tickets.

With our best landscaper gone for the unforseeable future, your surfeited superiors merely sat back, lit a Dunhill Cabinetta, and flipped on the Plasma to find out about this "flood". Admittedly, the video that we saw left us quite agog. The rain had doused the Lowell that the people you wish you were remembered.

With roads closed, Lowell residents had to find a way to secure only the bare necessities.

Washed away were the car fires and card board box "condos". Inhabitants who normally defecated behind any available dumpster now relieved themselves wherever they happened to wade. If not for their flourescent attire, it would be difficult to differentiate the locals from the buoyant detritus, Peter Vetri, and anything else that was washed out of Lowell this week.

Despite the millions of gallons of fecal-tinted water flowing down Shattuck Street like the Lowell Folk Festival Parade, it didn't deter pedestrians from strolling the town even with river barriers collapsing faster than Joe Exter. The good news, according to the newscaster, was that since most Lowell residents are already homeless, there would be few displaced homeowners due to the flood.

Lowell residents showed that despite the horrific flooding, prostitution and jocularity still ruled the day.

Before your superiors shut off the television and prepared to find a new head landscaper, the newscaster once again broke some news. Apparently, with the water level approaching three feet, Lowell's mayor implored that all small children and UMass-Lowell head hockey coaches to flee to higher ground until the water subsides.

Collar Up.

2005-2006 Pinhead Nation All-Milk Carton Team

2006-04-23T09:58:00.000-04:00

Alas, your superiors lament the end of another college hockey season. Though America's Team put more fear in the hearts of Wisconsin residents than the threat of "Mad Cow Disease", the young Eagles fell to the Badgers to complete another collar-up hockey season on Chestnut Hill. While America's Team loaned the Hockey East crown to the ugly end of Commonwealth Avenue for the summer, the sight of BC in the NCAA final was about as welcome on the BU campus as Jenny Craig.

With the season over, its time the people you wish you were gave out our prestigious hardware: The Pinhead Nation Milk Carton Awards. These awards recognize the pinnacle of athletic underachievement and those who succesfully turned chicken salad into chicken crap. Without further adieu, we present the 2005-2006 Pinhead Nation Milk Carton Award Winners in Hockey East.

Elias Godoy, F, UML

Elias Godoy, the senior forward for UMass-Lowell, reminds Pinhead Nation of the story from Billy Madison - "The Puppy Who Lost His Way". Only for Godoy, we'd rename it "The Mediocre Player Who Lost His Stud Linemate." Like Sonny without Cher, Siegfried without Roy, or Shawn Walsh without Beelzebub, Godoy's production sans Walter disappeared faster than a tray of brownies at the John Hancock Student Center.

Typically, you expect a player to get better as he gets older and more experienced. Unfortunately for Lowell, star forward Ben Walter signed a professional contract and gave up his senior season, Godoy saw his chance for success go right down the drain. Without Walter's coattails to ride, Godoy saw a once promising season get flushed right down the toilet like BU hockey in the NCAA tournament. After scoring 7 goals his first season, Godoy put up 18 as a sophomore, yet decreased his goal scoring to 12 goals as a junior, then 5 goals as a senior without Walter.

Similarly, his points dropped from his sophomore year to his senior year, posting 41, 39, and 27, respectively. Failing to meet expectations, Godoy constantly got frustrated and found himself, like most Lowell residents, "incarcerated" for a total of 78 minutes (3 misconducts and 2 major penalties). With Godoy failing to shoulder the load, UMass-Lowell finished in 7th place in a season where they were picked by the coaches to finish in 3rd place (tied with Maine).

Brian Swiniarski, F, NU

Hockey East fans seem to always forget about Northeastern. Unlike Merrimack, unforgettable because of the disgusting behavior of their hockey thugs, Northeastern typically manages to stay out of the path of criticism from Hockey East fans despite their similarly pathetic performance on the ice. But we couldn't lay off NU senior forward Brian Swiniarski. Despite never scoring 20 points in a season (which seems to be an almost impossible number to eclipse at Northeastern), Swiniarski showed some promise to all 14 NU hockey fans when he posted double digits in goals in his sophomore and junior seasons, netting 13 and 10 goals, respectively.

Sadly, his senior season proved to be as wretched as a Huntington Avenue homeless man, falling short of even matching his commiserable freshman totals of 5g, 3 assists for 8 pts. Like a NU student trying in vain to flip a car following a Patriots championship parade, Swiniarski simply couldn't get over the hump. In the end, Swiniarski showed as much life as former Husky Reggie Lewis, "Crosbying" the nets with 2 goals, 4 assists for 6 points and a team worst -15. The good news for NU fans is "Swinny" is finally graduating, the bad news is the offseason cannot last forever and another group of underachieving hockey players will be taking the ice at Matthews Arena next October.

Kevin Jarman, F, Massachusetts

Kevin Jarman, the second most physically repulsive hockey player after Wisconsin's Robbie Earl, continues to disappoint. The junior forward for the Minutemen, compared to Joe Thornton by many of the UMass faithful, was perhaps the biggest waste of a scholarship in Hockey East history outside of John Sabo. Though Jarman has yet to kick someone's face in outside of a bar like Sabo, he remains to show why he is deserving of a roster spot on a Division 1 team (assuming UMass would qualify as such).

After a decent start to his career by UMass standards, 10 points (4 goals) as a freshman and 21 points (7 goals) as a sophomore, Jarman's production dropped like a stock chart for Enron. His final totals for the season, 1 goal, 6 assists, 7 points and a -5. And just for good measure, he added in 40 minutes of penalty minutes (including two 10-minutes misconducts) to his final scoring line. The good news for UMass' fans is college hockey still requires full facemasks, protecting the Amherst faithful from Jarman's haglike appearance.

Cleve Kinley, D, UMass-Lowell

Kinley, thought by some to be better than America's team blueliner Peter Harrold, came into the year with very high expectations. Unfortunatley, the junior defensemen's season proved to be a bigger washout than the 2004 Christmas tsunami. After showing promise as a sophomore, posting 8 goals and 21 assists for 29 points and a +10, Lowell fans rained down high expectations on Kinley - a very rare occurence in Lowell. Despite the accolades, Kinley finished this season with 0 goals, 12 assists in 31 games and a -7.

Like a Lowell grad choosing between a Toyota Corolla or a Chevy Nova, Kinley needs to make a choice that will prove best for his 23 person "family". If he is striving to be a defensive defensemen in the mold of Rob Scuderi, most Lowell fans will call it "muy bien". If Kinley wants to be a defensive liability like former UNH waste Brian Yandle and focus on offense, that's fine. Unfortunately for Kinley, he's neither and his play is leaving Lowell students "muy triste".

Bryan Schmidt, D, Merrimack

Bryan Schmidt, an All-Rookie team selection in 02-03 and a 2005 Hockey East All-First team selection can add All-Milk Carton Team to his resume. The senior defenseman out of Minnesota (i.e. UMinn reject) may have been the biggest disappointment in the entire league this season. After a terrific junior season last year, where he posted 13 goals and 18 assists for 31 points, he had the worst statistical year of his 4-year stay at Merrimack as a senior.

He finished off the season with 6 goals, 9 assists and 15 points while a -10 with 57 PIMs. Sadly, this was enough for him to finish 3rd on the team in points scored. We see no need to further kick a man when he's down, after all, in a few month's he'll have a Merrimack "degree" and his future in America's fast food industry will begin.

Peter Vetri, G, UMass-Lowell

Let's face it, most residents of New Orleans had a better year than Peter Vetri. This year 13-20-2, .892, 3.58, no shutouts. Last year - 13-7-2 , .912, 2.52. 2 shutouts. What's left to say about UMass-Lowell that already hasn't been said? Clearly, with 3 selections on the All-Milk Carton team, it is obvious that the Riverhawks had high expectations and clearly underachieved badly.

This was supposed to be Lowell's big year, even with the departure of stud forward Walter to the professional ranks. With Vetri posting 13 wins last year in 22 decisions, coach Blais McDonald looked like he had something that could be built on. But with the departure of all suitable goalies from the program, Vetri stood alone as the man who would backstop the Riverhawks to glory.

Normally a goaltender would relish in the fact that he was the go-to guy with no competition (despite the arrival of UML backup and "all-porno name team" member Vinny Monaco). With a strong 2004-05 season in the books, Vetri's save percentage in 2006 was less than the portly ballgirl's who patrols the third base foul line at Fenway Park. Thanks for Vetri, the postseason dreams of UML's once smarmy fans, amateur meteorologists, and soccer hooligans disappeared faster than the time it takes for a new car to vanish out of the campus parking lot.

Greg Cronin, Head Coach, Northeastern

Typically we would give a first-year coach like Greg Cronin a mulligan. But Cronin, with two seasons under his belt at the University of Maine, succeeded in doing two of the most unimaginable things this season. First, he made Bruce Crowder look like Scotty Bowman by dwarfing Crowder's terrible final season. Second, he hired former UMaine/BU scumbag Brendan Walsh to help bring his brand of hockey to the wretched confines of Matthews Arena.

Following a season in which Crowder posted a .461 winning percentage (including 15 wins), Cronin's inaugural campaign behind the NU bench managed to trump Crowder's failure by posting a .191 winning percentage with only 3 wins to his credit. We can't help but chortle at such a pathetic statistic when we consider that BC won as many games in the NCAA tournament as Cronin managed to win all season. Further scrutiny of the Huskies' record shows that NU did not win a single game outside of Matthews arena and they did not win a single game against Merrimack. With Cronin at the helm along with Walsh, NU fans can expect few wins, but lots of penalties and hangovers.

Rookie Milkman of the Year:Jason Lawrence, Forward, Boston University

Continuing BU's trend of US National Development busts in the mold of former Terriers' John Sabo, Bryan Miller, and Justin Maiser, we bring you Jason Lawrence. Though arriving with tremendous accolades, having tallied 51 points in 59 games for Team USA, Lawrence showed as much talent as Joey Lawrence in his first campaign with the "BU 5-0's" by notching just 8 goals in 40 games.

Well there you have it, the 2005-06 Pinhead Nation All-Milk Carton Team. Your superiors would like to honor the several players who fell short of making this prestigious team. As they say at the University of New Hampshire, "there's always next year".

Collar Up.

Your superiors now have a spot on Myspace.com. If you are interesting in more interaction with a trio of your betters, drop by http://www.myspace.com/pinheadnation.

Diary of a BU student

2006-03-28T09:17:00.000-05:00

Needless to say, your superiors enjoyed a convivial time in Worcester this weekend. Like a week's worth of shots of Penicillin to kill a virus contracted at a Northeastern University career-fair, America's Team eliminated the bacteria that is Boston University.

Late Sunday night, the phone rang at Stately Pinhead Manor. It was one our drones calling to tell us that he had found something that may be of interest to the people you wish you were, a personal diary of a BU student.

After leafing through the several kashi recipes and lyrics of "White Stripes" songs, we happened upon a journal detailing the past weekend's events as the NCAAs got underway. Below is a sample of the text from this BU student who we will call "Jurgen". Your superiors will do our best to work through the foreign vernacular.

BU police noted several suicide deaths outside Warren Towers following Boston College's 5-0 victory on Saturday night.

"Friday, 24, March, 2006:

Today is the big day. Only two more wins until the Icedogs earn a trip to the Frozen Four. The bus from campus leaves at 2 for our 4pm game vs. Nebraska. I didn't know Nebraska had a hockey team, come to think of it, I didn't know Boston University had a hockey team until three weeks ago either! The students at BU are really behind this team, the last time I saw this many young people behind one cause, it was that big book burning rally back home in Dusseldorf. Got to go, my girlfriend at school is eating my Taco-Bell. I'll write soon".

Just three more wins to a NCAA title, this BU student noted after their win vs. UNO, who chose to forego the free transportation and ride to Worcester in style.

"Saturday 25, March, 2006:

It is noontime and we are in a frenzy. BU demolished the Nebraskans 9-2! I think we had two hatricks, too. I know this because on two different occasions, BU fans threw their turbans on the ice after goals, so I know it to be true. Standing in our way to Milwaukee is that little college in Chestnut Hill. Since we beat them in the Beanpot and the Hockey East playoffs, tonight's game looks like a formality. They barely beat a team from Miami last night! Do they even have ice in Florida? I'll write as soon as I get back from the post game party on Landsdowne Street."

Prior to game time, BU fans dressed in their "fan boy" attire aimed at intimidating the opponent.

"Sunday 26, March, 2006:

I don't know what to say. We lost. Even though we dominated most of the game, Boston College beat us 5-0. The only good news is our coach Jack Parker told the players to try and hurt BC players in the last few minutes to try and knock them out of their next game. I'm extremely sad right now. I know I just started following BU a few weeks ago, but the last time I was this sad was when David Hasselhoff gave me the brush off when I asked for his autograph near the Berlin Wall. I'll write more later."

Just minutes before BU's game vs. hated Boston College, a couple of BU coeds realize they forgot their box of Krispie Kremes on the bus.

"Sunday 26, March, 2006:

Anyways, the night wasn't a complete loss. Even though we lost to Boston College, a school that I hate because they rejected me, me and my friends did our best to have a good time. The bus made it back to campus around 11 or so, and a lot of us walked over to Landsdowne Street to drown our sorrows and do the only thing that makes us feel better: dancing. The DJ, knowing we had lost, made us happy by playing a lot of songs by "The Shamen" and some old school "KLF" mixes.

To ease the pain, clubs on Landsdowne Street gave BU fans free glowsticks when they showed their ticket stubs.

Collar Up.

March Dorkness

2006-03-16T18:07:00.000-05:00

I was beeped in the middle of a meeting asking if I had turned in my NCAA basketball bracket. Needless to say, your superiors have far more important things to do than dilly-dally around such a plebeian activity. Nonethless, we have arrived at the time of the year of the "self-appointed" sports expert.

Whether your Boston College degree has landed afforded you a plum job or if you attended a "school" like U.Mass and you spend your days working on a ladder with a paint bucket in your hand, the ritual of filling out a "bracket" is unavoidable. The one constant among all classes of employment is the imbecile who claims to "know it all" and takes his bracket more serious than his grotesque physical appearance.

With his weekend nights free to study the brackets, "sports geek" is thrilled when his predicted "upset" comes to fruition.

Finding this mental defect is quite easy and shouldn't take a better set of people such as ourselves to point him out. Many middle-class types partake in office brackets and most do so to earn some extra cash or some other minimal spoil. Unfortunately, for the "office idiot", the random act of picking victorious collegiate teams is life and the rest (family, bathing, etc) are just details.

In case you are struggling to locate this individual, many tell-tale indicators are obvious even to the most dunderheaded Lowell graduate. The first hint is how defensive he appears when his 'picks' are questioned, though he is likewise quick to chortle at the picks of his peers. He laughs at your Final Four picks while using ignorant phrases such as "Team X's has no guard play" or "Team Y has no big man". Sadly, the only "big man" this person knows about is the potbellied fool in the mirror who would only be at a healthy weight if he were on the moon.

Pinhead Nation reminds Bostonians that with this weekend's Hockey East finals in town, local hotels will once again be filled with a rash of uncivilized rurals from Maine and New Hampshire.

Before the people you wish you were continue, its important to comprehend the genesis of this person. He is likely a fleshy fellow who claims to have a special knowledge of college basketball although he has never played competitive hoops in his sad life. Since those who can, play, and those who can't, talk, years of being picked over on the playground has driven his competitive spirit (read: low self-esteem) to claim a "higher knowledge" of a sport he really has little concept about.

Being barren of any physical ability to speak of, this person likely scratches his competitive itch sitting at a card table playing poker or preparing to "own" his likewise socially retarded chums at fantasy baseball. When March rolls around, though, his 'expertise' is squarely aimed at NCAA Basketball. He proudly boasts the tournament game upsets he correctly guessed at while telling anyone he encounters of "his" Final Four, ignorant of the fact that his audience couldn't care less.

These social invalids can be found in big cities or the smallest of towns.

Fortunately for those experiencing this annual trauma, this person is usually a short-term problem. The good news for those afflicted with such an addle-pate at the office, he will eventually grow silent. As the teams he "wisely" picked are vanquished faster than the time it takes for a Boston University student to throw his turban on ice after a rare BU player's hat trick, in time, he will pick up the phone and call his pals to set up their next commiserable Poker game.

Collar Up.

UVM "walks" back to Chestnut Hill

2006-03-05T21:16:00.000-05:00

Your superiors didn't expect to see the Vermont Catamounts in the first round of the Hockey East playoffs, but that's exactly what awaits America's Team starting this Thursday. For Boston College, hosting a first round opponent is business as usual. For UVM, it's a chance to duel with collar-ups in their first year as a member of Hockey East.

Members of the maroon and gold glitterati may be confounded about the University of Vermont. It seems like just yesterday when the people you wish you were found ourselves chortling at a bizarre sexual hazing incident in 1999 at UVM that shook the college hockey world to its foundation.

For the second time since January, UVM's hockey squad will make the slow crawl down Interstate 89 to Chestnut Hill.

Since Vermont is new to Hockey East, BC fans may not know the Universitas Virdis Mondis from a cheap glass of "virdis vinun". The Vermont Catamounts started playing hockey in 1963, until this year, in the ECAC. Since their inception, they have made the NCAA tournament just three times and made their lone Frozen Four appearance in 1996. Like their neighbors to the east in New Hampshire, UVM is a rural school of besotted bumpkins who appreciate a mediocre hockey team and have a penchant for playing "spin the bottle" at family reunions.

The University of Vermont brings a long tradition of 'teamwork' and a 'friends to the end' attitude to their first trip to the Hockey East playoffs.

On the ice, UVM is led by Joe Fallon, a sophomore goaltender who, although hailing from Bemidji, Minnesota, wasn't good enough to earn an instate scholarship. Offensively, forward Jeff Corey leads the Catamount attack with just 15 total goals. Though defensively they appear competent, Vermont is a team that scores less than an unsightly U.Mass-Lowell student at a sorority party.

By earning a return trip to Boston, visitors from Vermont will once again enjoy some of the many world class restaurants the city has to offer.

Like America's Team, UVM started hot and fizzled down the stretch. Both the Eagles and Catamounts found themselves in the nation's top 5 when they last met, but this time, both are out of the top ten. As a matter of fact, this series is crucial if BC has plans of attending the NCAA tournament later this month.

Although BC is far from the hottest team in the Hockey East tournament, the sight of the defending conference champion Eagles will still make UVM feel as uneasy as when former Catamount Corey LaTulippe sees a hot dog with a hair on it.

In case Vermonters want to stay in their hotels and not venture out during their visit, most Boston hotels offer hundreds of popular and obscure movies on demand.

Some would say that a BC vs. UVM series may actually be contested. Though the school that rejected you gave the Hockey East regular season crown away faster than the time it takes for a BU hockey coach to polish off a Rob Roy, the Eagles have already beaten UVM three times this year. Despite the rash of "Phish" bumper stickers than will likely be seen in the parking lots this week, it doesn't take a memory of an elephant to know BC is still the defending champions and won't go down easily.

Collar Up.

Torino 2006: Special Olympics

2006-02-27T20:38:00.000-05:00

Pathetic is a word normally reserved for White Owl cigars or Peppermint Grove Pinot Noir. While your superiors watched the Olympics on the Plasma in the game room at Stately Pinhead Manor, we were aghast at the ineptitude of our American athletes. Like a drooling mongolid hoping to finish a 40 yard dash in less than four minutes to earn a Tootsie Roll, the Olympians from the USA struggled, limped, and eventually fell in a proverbial puddle.

In watching the failings in Torino, Italy, the people you wish you were couldn't help but notice how the American athletes from New England really paralleled the Hockey East teams of the states or institutions from which they hailed. First and foremost we had the embarrassingly horrific ski-God Bode Miller, a native of New Hampshire. Next we had Lindsey Jacobellis, the teen "beauty queen" snowboarder from Vermont.

Not to be outdone was the men's hockey team, with representatives from many Hockey East schools including BU's terrible trio of Chris Drury, Keith Tkachuk, and Ricky Dipietro. Let's go over each of the lowlights and Hockey East parallels from our lowbrow New England competitors.

Bode Miller

The Bode saga in Torino fits in quite nicely with the story of UNH hockey, affectionately known as Bridesmaid Nation. As far as his performance on the slopes is concerned, Bode was going for medals in five events. He was a favorite for a medal in each event; some thought he had a shot at all five gold medals. But just like UNH at the Frozen Four, Bode came away empty handed and full of shame.

Bode/UNH Factoid:
UNH is 0 for 7 in the Frozen Four. Bode was 0 for 5 at the Olympics in Torino.

During Miller's run of 5 straight failures, his struggles mirrored the UNH historic failures at the Frozen Four. Both came close and failed, such as UNH losing in OT to Maine in the 1999 NCAA Title game and Bode Miller's disqualification on the alpine combined event. Bode posted a first place time on the downhill portion of the event before straddling a gate on the 1st leg of the slalom portion and being disqualified. He watched as his fellow country-mate Ted Ligety won gold just as UNH watched conference-mates Maine win the title in 1999. Both also crashed and burned; UNH crashed against Minnesota in 2002 and 2003 against Maine in the Frozen Four just as Bode crashed in the Super-G event.

Although not earning a medal, Bode Miller broke the record, previously held by now defunct New Hampshire state landmark "The Man in The Mountain", for fastest collapse from a mountain.

Clearly, training at his family's cabin in New Hampshire wasn't a good idea. In case you live in the Granite State and missed it (likely due to the fact that your TV rarely leaves NASCAR replays), it showcased life in New Hampshire at its finest. Bode still lives with his parents in their cabin in New Hampshire. Without electricity nor plumbing, the Miller parents taught young Bode how to lose with class at any early age.

Another bizarre consideration that needs to be looked at when comparing the UNH hockey team to the zen-master of skiing has to be the partying and drinking. This season, UNH suspended 7 players (heretofore known as the UNH Seven) who were caught drinking in a bar before their game vs. Providence College.

Similar, Bode Miller has come under intense scrutiny for claiming to participate in Alpine Skiing events hungover or even possibly drunk. His tequila-downing festivities the nights right before his events in Torino were certainly no secret. Were the UNH Seven and Bode drinking just to loosen up a little or were they drinking to ease the pain of their inevitable future of failure?

Miller's preparation for Torino consisted of Whey, Muscle Milk, and blackouts.

Your superiors at Pinhead Nation propose that some sort of honor be bestowed upon the powers that be in New Hampshire to forever link Miller and UNH's hockey program. Although a banner will certainly be raised soon at the Whittemore Center at UNH to honor Miller, joining UNH's several runner ups and the banner honoring the 100,000th flush in the Whitt's ladies lavatory, we think that something else should be done in his honor. Perhaps fans could receive a free cup of Miller Beer when UNH loses a home game. Lastly, Pinhead Nation will leave you with this scary Bode Miller/UNH connection. UNH has zero national titles and 2 silver-adorned NCAA trophies for finishing runner-up. Bode has zero Olympic gold medals and, you guessed it, 2 silver medals.

Lindsey Jacobellis

Lindsey Jacobellis was up next and she gave all of the kids in the country a little lesson on what not to do. The Vermont native was racing in the final gold-medal race of the newly-minted Olympic sport called Snowboard Cross, an X-Game sport that deserves to be in the Olympics as much as "Snowman making" does. This is basically NASCAR on snow, which is why our friends North of the border seemed to like it so much.

Strangely, Jacobellis mirrored the UVM Catamounts hockey team from her home state as she got out of the gate with a nice lead and let the other 3 racers crash into the protective netting behind her as she raced toward the finish line uncontested. Her position in 1st didn't necessarily reflect her great racing, just that others around showed as much fortitude and guts as Corey Latulippe. At the end of race, on the final hill she decided to grab her board and hot-dog it to the finish line. The result was a crash in front of the finish line, while one of her competitors hailing from Frozen Nuts, Saskatchewan raced past her and stole the gold medal right from under Jacobellis' mustache.

Lindsey Jacobellis saw all of her hard work wasted when she lost control of her snowboard while scratching her Adam's Apple.

Much like Bode Miller and the UNH hockey team, the parallels between the UVM hockey team and Jacobellis are also quite entertaining. Jacobellis embarrassed herself and her country in what will be forever known as the "hot dog". Vermont's other embarrassment, a hazing incident known as "The Elephant Walk", involved UVM hockey players grabbing something resembling a hot dog.

Seth Wescott

Maine native Seth Westcott is a different story. While most here are the story of failure, we chose to show you an example of a New Englander that wins. Westcott won the first gold medal ever in Olympic Men's Snowboard Cross. Considering Westcott calls Maine his home, your superiors surmise that it won't be long until Olympic officials realize Westcott ultimately cheated to win. If it is proven he did cheat, the state of Maine's governor has already announced that he will be suspended for the next snowboarding exhibition game.

US Men's Hockey

As outlined above, the men's Olympic hockey team was full of Hockey East alums. Some were disappointing. Most were downright glastly. Few were impressive, while together, they fizzled out.

The conversation on Hockey East goats starts and stops with Keith Tkachuk, who frankly Tkasucked. The former BU star played like someone told him he'd be sent back to Boston University if he did anything worth noting on the ice at the Olympics. Zero goals. Zero points. -5. The next exhibition in hockey ineptitude is Chris Drury, also a U.Mass-Kenmore alum. Likely due to the fact he no longer has Joe Sakic on his line, Drury was dreary, tallying no goals. If not for Chris Bourque, Drury would certainly be the most overrated BU alum named "Chris".

USA Hockey won't admit it, but many feel that the large number of groupies following the Boston University alumni on the Team USA roster was a huge factor in the team's demise.

Pinhead Nation would like to give three collars down to USA forward Mike Modano. Modano, a member of the 1968 US Olympic Hockey Team and similarly dastardly in these 2006 games, felt the need to complain when all was said and done. His prime complaint is he had to make his own travel plans for his family. Your superiors would like to give some advice to Mr. Modano: Don't whine about it. Hire a U.Mass-Lowell graduate to handle those pesky incidentals and focus on more important things.

We anxiously await the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, Canada. Hopefully the USA Olympic committee will install some simple rules to fix their program. First, require a Wonderlic test to ferret out the BU alums. Second, require drug tests to eliminate the Vermont grads. Finally, turn down any athlete who resides in New Hampshire. The US doesn't need any more runner-up trophies.

Collar Up

-Mav

"The BU"

2006-02-15T19:03:00.000-05:00

Hoping to replicate the success of "The OC", Fox producers have released "The BU", a show about a troubled youth who is kicked out of Boston College and sent to the ugly end of Commonwealth Avenue in Boston to live the life of a student at BU.

The premise of the show is hardly a new one. During his first semester at Boston College, freshman Brian Fatwood is caught by BC police drinking "Lake Sonoma Zinfandel" out of a box behind a dumpster on lower campus and is arrested.

During his hearing, BC officials are stunned that one of their own has polluted the university by drinking such a bourgeois libation and he is promptly expelled from the university. Considering no schools accept transfers mid-semester, Fatwood had no choice but to enroll at Boston University, a school with limited integrity and an appetite for rabble.

While walking BU's quad, actually a concrete sidewalk spray painted green, Fatwood is impressed by seeing several BU coeds enjoying a warm fall day.

During his initial meeting with BU's admissions officials, Fatwood, being the first student in history to transfer to BU from Boston College, is immediately admitted to the school and is automatically awarded with a Masters Degree from Boston University. Surprised by his own celebrity, Fatwood knew there would be trying times ahead, but he never knew they'd come so quickly.

Upon checking into his new dorm, an 8 x 8 concrete coffin in Warren Towers, Fatwood quickly realizes he is not in Chestnut Hill anymore. After meeting his new roommate, a Pakistani refugee named Bungi, he is told that his Abercrombie & Fitch fall attire needs to go.

No longer will he have the luxury to pop his collar as BU's strict dress code requires its students to wear "B.U.M. Equipment" sweatshirts, acid washed jeans, and Middle Eastern Capezio dancing shoes. The only exception is a BU mandate demanding its students wear extra tight BU hockey jerseys on the weekend.

Gone are the days when Fatwood could walk BC's treelined campus. At BU, he is forced to ride the Green Line where he quickly learns the ins and outs of avoiding vomit while picking up a second language along the way.

Since his 6 weeks at Boston College made him more educated than most of BU's faculty, Fatwood is quickly given the opportunity to work a campus job with potential upside. Unfortunately for the newest BU student, Fatwood is stunned to learn he will be working on BU's scandal rag, the infamous "Boink" Magazine as a "go-fer".

The jubilation on campus following BU's upset win over BC to clinch the "Beanpot" was quickly soured when students realized they weren't getting a year's supply of free beans, just an ugly silver pot.

After his first day on his new campus job, one that saw him chase down hundreds of Krispie Kremes and Friendly Fribbles, a tired Fatwood needed to blow off some steam. Fortunately, a Friday night on the BU campus is chock full of social activities, regardless of your hemisphere of origin. With his roommate Bungi at his side, Brian Fatwood throws on his new sweatshirt and is ready to hit Landsdowne Street to find himself a strobed dancefloor and a bottle of Loudmouth Soup.

On Landsdowne Street, BU students find several unusual refreshment options after an hour or so of dancing to the rhythmic beat of techno gods 'Mescalinium United'.

Weeks later, Brian had slowly progressed and by semester's end had been transformed into a full-fledge BU student. Gone are his collared-shirts and Gucci shoes only to be replaced with foul language and a depressive hatred for his former school, Boston College. Remembrances of "champagne parties at Vandy" have been replaced with "drinking Saki with Van der Gulik".

Nonethless, Brian Fatwood tries to accept his new lot in life. One minute he was a future member of the glitterati, the next a collar-down knave learning half-witted chants to be used at BU Hockey games. Despite being the only BU student in history to once receive an acceptance letter from Boston College, the call of cheap wine has left him with a future career as a telemarketer and college days full of kashi and coeds armed with half-price coupons to "Lane Bryant".

Collar Up.

Eat It, Mr. T.

Can a Beacon Save the Moribund Beanpot?

2006-02-09T17:42:00.000-05:00

There we were in the Boston penthouse condominium of Hollis Plympton, a chum of ours from the prep school days. Every year, the people you wish you were descend on Hollis' modest manse in the sky to celebrate the annual Beanpot tournament. Following America's Team's controlled scrimmage vs. Northeastern in the Beanpot opener, our post game celebration was in full swing.

Shortly after we arrived, Hollis introduced us to the latest addition to his liquor cabinet, his new "Perfect 1864" Vodka from France. Hardly being a bon vivant in the field of vodka, I retired to the balcony for a Camacho Havana and was quickly joined by a troika of collar-ups.

Our discussion quickly turned to the Beanpot and the ease it took to vanquish Northeastern. Three cigars later, it was clear, for the Beanpot to continue to grow, the team from Huntington Avenue must be removed from the city's illustrious college hockey tournament. After 50 years of ineptitude, Northeastern needs to be replaced with a competent opponent. But with whom?

Northeastern's student section is among the most rabid in the nation.

Considering that NU has only won 4 Beanpots in 54 years and didn't even taste victory for the first time until 1980, finding a suitable replacement would be easier than finding a Glock in NU's Davenport Commons.

Along with NU's on-campus statue of pitcher Cy Young, there also is this statue outside of Matthews Arena paying homage to decades of hockey incompetency on Huntington Avenue.

Though your superiors agreed that Northeastern belonged in the Beanpot as much as a salad belongs in BU's Warren Towers, we were quite perplexed to find a worthy replacement. With so many universities in the city of Boston, there was clearly a lot of options to choose from.

After hours of deliberation with no result in sight, we chose two schools and agreed to weigh the pros and cons of each. The two chosen schools were Wentworth Institute, where Hollis' auto mechanic graduated from, and UMass-Boston whose alumni have filled countless toll-taker jobs along the Massachusetts Turnpike.

R. Lambert's hittin' that

UMass-Boston

Pros:

- Shares rink with future collar-ups Boston College High School.
- Alumni Association features comedian Steve Sweeney

Cons:

- Currently 0-19 this season.
- Like all "UMass" hockey teams, destined for eternal failure and perpetual embarrassment.

Wentworth Institute of Technology

Pros:

- I've got nothing.

Cons:

- The only school in a scarier neighborhood than Northeastern.
- Shares home rink Matthews Arena with NU.

Finally, we chose to simply toss a coin and the victor was U.Mass-Boston. With NU's replacement chosen, the last task is to merely contact our collar-up chums at the Beanpot Offices and make the change.

Although we will always miss that wonderful feeling when the schedule shows "vs. Northeastern" on the first Monday of February, we're sure that despite their winless 2006 campaign, the Beacons of UMass-Boston won't humiliate their alumni quite as much as the Northeastern Huskies did.

The new-look Beanpot Tournament could re-energize a tournament that has seen Northeastern's first round opponent receive the equivalent of a 'first round bye'

Collar Up.

Livin' La Vida Lowell

2006-01-30T16:59:00.000-05:00

It has been a trying time for the people you wish you were. On our way home from a benefit to raise awareness to "the dangers of a public school education", the Fp 500 we were riding in was struck by a drunken driver and had a horrific crash. Though I stayed conscious long enough to see we were hit by a drunken U. Lowell grad Craig MacTavish after another night of drinking at the Golden Banana, I quickly slipped into a coma.

During my ten-day period of comatose in the hospital, my convalescing mind reached down into its subaqueous regions to give me a look into how my life may have been if not for my haut monde upbringing and my nonpareilic education at America's Best College. Although deep in a medically monitored slumber, for ten days I envisioned myself living the indigent life of a U.Mass-Lowell graduate.

Instead of my lofty bedroom at Stately Pinhead Manor, I "awakened" in a one-room apartment next to a 280 lb. hispanic woman who I assumed was my girlfriend. Although my mind was incredulous, my body instinctively went through the motions to live out my day as a Lowell graduate. In lieu of a shower, I proceeded to the medicine cabinet for a splash of Drakkar Noir and opened the closet to see my Taco Bell uniform waiting for me next to my yellow leisure suit used primarily on the weekends.

In Lowell, prostitutes spend much of their spare time at local gyms to keep their bodies in top shape.

Walking outside my apartment to the parking lot, I proceeded right to my 1993 Toyota Corolla and turned on the engine. As my tape player pumped out the sweet tunes of Joe Cuba, who I somehow remembered as the "Father of the Puerto Rican Boogaloo", I checked the look in the mirror and imagined myself having the looks of Howie Dorough and the money and dance moves of Johnny Lozada.

Parking on Pawtucket Street in Lowell is free and is close to the UML campus.

I arrived at Taco Bell just in time for the normal breakfast rush. Due to the fact that I have a degree from U.Mass-Lowell, I get to choose my work responsibilities each morning. Variety is definitely the spice of life as sometimes I get to work the drive-thru and other times, I mix things up and just clean the bathrooms. My manager is a very nice guy and although he graduated from UML as class valedictorian, he doesn't show any superiority or pretentiousness towards any of the staff. If I had a father, he's exactly who I imagined him to be.

When my shift came to an end, I used my employee discount to pick up 8 Chilupas to bring to my "angel gigantesca" at home. I met her after her ex-husband went off to prison for selling crack, but I really have never been more happy in all my days. She is the type of woman who can keep you hot in the winter and cool in the summer.

While it took me some time to get used to all her tattoos, sometimes, I enjoy reading them while I pop the pimples on her back. Sure, although she is so large that I swear her clit has a knee, she makes this guy feel happier than the feeling you get when your unemployment compensation gets extended for another 6 weeks.

I pursued and she retreated, then she pursued and I retreated. Hours later, we were together and I was the proud stepfather of 6 kids.

When I finally awoke from my coma, I immediately told my collar-up chums of my experience as a Lowell graduate, albeit an ersatz existence, and we all had a good chortle. Considering the fact that a Lowell graduate will always live a subjacent life to that of a collar-up, I was happy to have survived my experience, although I did make a beeline for the Penicillin and took a long shower.

Collar Up.

Mainers struggling to tell "Timmeh-time".

2006-01-17T18:38:00.000-05:00

Sad days are upon us here at Stately Pinhead Manor. Our two-time defending Super Bowl champions have been vanquished in a way that made your superiors feel that they had no desire to taste the fine spray of Veuve Clicquot. Despite the piteous manner in which the New Englanders performed, knowing that Denver is where people live who lack the means to reside in Aspen is a comforting thought.

Denver Broncos fans could hardly hide their excitement following Saturday's victory over the Patriots.

While many collar-ups were left to cry in their Hemery XO, the lowest level of humanity located in Maine found themselves with a double dose of misery on Saturday night. As the Patriots fell to defeat, the Maine Blackbears hockey team went down faster than the time it takes for a Maine resident to take his overalls off when coming home from work early to find his sister in the shower.

This past weekend at the Egg-Anus Arena at Boston University, the two-toned and "two-teethed" Blackbears were swept away by a Kenmore State team who hadn't won three in a row since, well, the last time they played Maine. Although Friday's game was close, on Saturday night Maine allowed 5 goals in the first 2 periods, thanks to All-Milk Carton Team rookie goaltender Ben Bishop's ineptitude and fell 5-4.

After BU's weekend sweep over Maine, local coeds herded themselves to nearby T's Pub for a post game celebration.

The losses dropped Maine's record to just 7-6 in Hockey East contests and have made even the most dedicated galoots question the future of their hockey program. In 2001, Maine coach and legendary rules violator Shawn Walsh died leaving a void larger than the distance between the eyes of a Boothbay prom queen. In his place was installed Tim Whitehead, who had previously coached perennial doormat Lowell.

The roads in Orono no longer lead to championships.

U. Maine's failings are hard to pinpoint. While America's Team has become the crown jewel of the conference, most of the other teams in Hockey East have flopped and have shown as much life as Peter Jennings. Though Walsh is working feverishly to recruit Charles Manson for his current hockey team, Whitehead has spent the last few years recruiting players who speak English today about as well as Dick Clark does.

To combat the speed and talent of their opponents, U. Maine's coaches have decided to recruit middle-aged canadians to help "fill the steins for dear old Maine".

To be honest, it'd be hard for the people you wish you were to feel bad for the hockey program in Orono. Like the "Spice Girls", Maine had great success during the 90's, but likewise, didn't have the talent or scruples to maintain it. Even the most ardent Maine fans have to struggle to appreciate a program that felt the need to break the rules to achieve their victories. Though Maine has been sanctioned for NCAA violations and have had to deal with several instances of off-ice problems, Maine shows no signs of changing their nefarious ways to satisfy the gilt-edged wishes of their friends at Pinhead Nation.

Girl Scouts selling cookies to Keith Johnson's dorm room realize they may leave with more than just an order for a box of "Tagalong Peanut Butter Patties".

Collar Up.

- DW

The Attack of the Limping Van der Gimps

2006-01-09T13:03:00.000-05:00

There's no place like home. As great as the holidays were, your superiors enjoy nothing better than sitting by the fire at Stately Pinhead Manor while enjoying the fine taste of a Dunhill Cabinetta and reminiscing on our absonant successes. Though Christmas on the left coast exceeded even my recrementitious expectations, much can be said for returning to my pulchritudinous home.

With the Westwind II in the hanger for some modest improvements, a quick call to America's Best College and hours later, your superiors were 'wheels up' en route to our holiday destination.

Upon our return, the people you wish you were were happy to see America's Team on top of the Hockey East standings (as usual). As expected, we chortled at the results of the program residing at the feculent end of Commonwealth Avenue. To our utmost wonderment, we were agog upon learning that Boston University coach Jack "recently completed step 8" Parker once again trolled the bottom of the meritorious barrel by playing injured player David Van der Gulik.

Van der Gulik, a forward from Parts Unknown, British Columbia (apparently the only "BC" he could get into), had missed most of the season with an abdominal tear or "sports hernia" near his pelvic bone. Despite the fact that he should be shelved for the season, the Calgary Flame draft pick and likely NHL washout Van der Gulik returned to participate in BU's weekly cataclysm, this time a loss to Providence College.

No one, including Van der Gulik's girlfriend, is quite sure what caused his career threatening sports hernia injury, but now that he's healed, she is certainly happy to be back on top of him again.

The mystery over Van der Gulik's affliction has caused significant concern within Boston University's sports medical staff. According to a source close to Pinhead Nation, finding the origin of such a strange injury has rocketed to the top of Boston University's priorities, just behind finding a way to teach former BU President John Silber how to "hand jive".

Although the source of Van der Gulik's injury is a matter of debate, ask any BU player and he will blame their new 3rd uniform, introduced late last year and coinciding with the first symptoms of his injury.

Predictably, Coach Parker was quick to insert him back in the BU lineup, whether he was ready or not. Considering the dearth of talent on the Terriers' roster, the BU coaches certainly cannot afford another injury to a player if they want to achieve their ultimate goal, to win the Beanpot. For this reason, Parker has made it a violation of team rules to go out in public.

Due to the fact that most BU fans are upset with their team's results, it would surprise no one if, given the chance, a disgruntled BU student were to run a player over with his camel at the campus bazaar. Hockey fans will remember back in 2003 when BU flop John Sabo was assaulted when an upset Boston U. student attacked Sabo's foot with his own face. Fortunately for all, Sabo and the BU administration chose not to pursue charges against the unruly BU student who had 'allegedly' assaulted Mr. Sabo.

To avoid a possible confrontation with unhappy fans, BU players John Curry and Brad Zancanaro travel incognito to Landsowne Street this past New Year's Eve.

Regardless, your superiors at Pinhead Nation wish Van der Gulik well and hope Parker's decision to play him despite his physical malady works out well. Given the choice, it is obvious that he would have rather missed the season, but considering the proximity to this year's Beanpot, it wasn't an option for Parker and Boston University.

Pinhead Nation would like to make this special PSA to those collar-ups who would like to own a piece of America's Team. The gilded hockey booster club at BC, the "Pikes Peak Club" is holding a raffle to give its winners 24 game used hockey jerseys from the 2004-05 season. If you're interested in learning about the raffle, drop us a line at mailbag@pinheadnation.com. Lowell fans and others who cannot afford a raffle ticket need not apply.

Collar Up.

- DW

Have Yourself a Very Pennant-less Baseball Season

2005-12-22T20:39:00.000-05:00

Just when you thought it was safe to visit the world's largest sewer located 209 miles south of Boston proudly donning a Red Sox cap, the Old Towne Team has proven once again that the phrase "laughable" is best followed by the words "Boston Red Sox".

Like a Boston University coed hastily obliterating the contents of a Krispie Kreme box with complete disregard to human decency, the Red Sox' triple serving of thickheadedness is likewise emptying the roster of the 2004 World Champions.

Sox Stooges Jed "Mo"-yer, "Larry" Lucchino, and Ben "Curly"-ington do their part to revive the glory days of the Lou Gorman era on Yawkey Way.

The latest chapter in Boston baseball's mirthful existence is their response to losing the very overrated Johnny Damon to the "official team of yesteryear", the NY Yankees. After it was announced, by Damon himself on Boston television, that the centerfielder was going to the unofficial safe haven for the "dead beat dad", Red Sox' President Larry Lucchino went out of his way to tell the media that there was no deal since the Yankees hadn't officially announced it.

Less than 30 minutes later during the same press conference, Theo Epstein wannabe and baseball incompetent co-GM Jed Hoyer later admitted that he had heard from the Yankees the night before of the free agent signing. While Red Sox Nation feels about as flat as the chest of a U.Maine hockey player's adolescent gal pal, it should be noted that this disaster has been in full flight since Halloween.

$13 million for four years will make Yankees fans cry when they realize their new center fielder's arm is so weak he needs both of them to privately satisfy himself.

The day his contract was set to expire as Red Sox General Manager, Theo Epstein chose to "give it the old quit" and instead of trading ballplayers, the lifelong Sox fan decided he'd rather make goo-goo eyes at the lead singer of a mid-level Seattle rock and roll band. Where else but in the offices at Fenway Park could a popular GM quit his job minutes before literally leaving the park in a gorilla suit on his way to a Halloween party.

Despite the dour ongoings at Fenway Park this winter, Christmas at nearby Boston University remains a festive and joyous time.

Since the post-Theo days, the Red Sox have watched everyone except the guy who cleans the human residue off the Hobey Baker trophy at the Jason Krog shrine in Durham, NH turn down an opportunity to interview for the vacated GM job. While Theo's former office remained empty, the Red Sox chose to trade their best prospect for a pitcher whose shoulder is held together with scotch tape. Days after trading their shortstop of the future in Hanley Ramirez, it only makes sense in the world of Boston baseball to trade the incumbent in Edgar Renteria who hours after the trade was referred to as "Gone-eria".

Your superiors can only surmise what will happen next. As a matter of fact, with all the new faces who will wear the red stockings this spring, one of the few Red Sox players left from 2004 is the one who wants to be here the least in Manny Ramirez. Considering the asute nature of the Boston braintrust, the chances of Manny being traded for a quality player are as likely as Pat Morita and Nipsey Russell showing up on your doorstep on Christmas Eve to sing "Here Comes Santa Claus".

It could be worse, Sox fans, you could be this guy (or even worse, a U.Mass Lowell graduate).

Your superiors at Pinhead Nation wish our fellow glitterati a few collar-up Christmas.

Collar Up.

-DW

Boise, Idaho. Just East of Nowhere.

2005-12-19T19:36:00.000-05:00

With a vacant stare, our dim servant stood with news that would force any collar up to look for the brandy glass. After several minutes, he finally was able to speak and deliver his dour news. Boston College was being banished to Boise, Idaho to play some Canadian college named "Boise State" in a meaningless football game played on a blue football field and commentated by a lesbian ESPN announcer named Pam something.

Welcome to Idaho, wish we weren't here.

Immediately, the people you wish you were began to research "Boise, Idaho" and after several hours, realized that a "collar up" has never stepped foot in the place. Most surprising, to the best of our knowledge, Idaho is actually a real state, not just a made up locale designed to scare children into finishing their dinner like "Middle-Earth" or "Grand Forks, North Dakota".

Idaho ranks 49th out of 50 US States with an average IQ of 87 ahead of only Mississippi. An IQ of 87 is considered "below average" and is consistent with careers such as "Gardeners", "Miners", "Farmhands", and something called a "sorter".

After learning as much as we could about "Idaho", your superiors quickly learned that Idaho wasn't as bad as previously thought. According to 2004 US Census numbers, 21% of the state's population has earned a college degree while a whopping 84% used their blood, sweat, and tears to earn that prestigious high school diploma. Most impressive is that of the 1.3 million residents of "The Gem State", only 200,000 of them have physical disabilities.

Although claiming tolerance towards other religions, Idahoans who don't pray to a potato resembling former Idaho resident Harmon Killebrew are subject to scorn.

Nonethless, on December 28th, the official college football team of Pinhead Nation will embark on a three-day journey to Boise (the word "Boise" is the Sioux indian word for "worthless") for the MPC Computers Bowl vs. Boise State University. Boston College was sent to Boise as part of a bizarre Atlantic Coast Conference hazing ritual for its new members. Boise State won the honor to participate after Gene Bleymaier, Boise State University Director of Athletics, was awarded the bowl game after holding the lucky ticket following a NCAA 50/50 raffle event.

The Boise State Broncos, here shown on defense, appear to be overmatched vs. their ACC opponent despite winning 31 straight home games and owning several Pop Warner championships.

Although most of the maroon and gold clad cognoscenti that dot our Blackberries are quite upset about this game, your superiors simply look at this contest as a Peace Corps mission disguised as a football game. Considering the average per capita income of Idaho is just over $37,000 per year, the opportunity for residents to sell keychains and french fries to their regal visitors from the Northeast is a Godsend.

Collar Up.

-DW

Night of the Living Detritus

2005-12-07T17:15:00.000-05:00

Since last Saturday night, the phone at Stately Pinhead Manor has been ringing off the hook. If the people you wish you were paid our Northeastern grad servant by the number of phone calls he answered, he probably could have taken his family off welfare.

By Monday, the number of disgruntled classmates from America's Best College who had called to voice their vexation was amaranthine. First, they were mildly agitated by the fact that America's Team, in a moment of charity, folded up the tents and gave Kenmore Community College a gift win on the ice on Saturday night. Second, they were ireful by the fact that the football squad was disgraced by being sent to Boise, Idaho for their annual bowl game.

Our weekend started innocently enough as your superiors jumped into our limousine and headed for a place rarely visited by high society, the cognoscenti, or even by those who bathe on a regular basis.

Several times during the winter when our social calendars have, quite frankly, nothing better planned, Pinhead Nation has been known to travel to other universities and watch America's Team play. Normally, we are treated to yet another BC hockey victory and, more important, we are reminded of our social and intellectual transcendence by simply witnessing the cultus qualities of the local coterie.

The excitement of game day has made it difficult for employed Boston University graduates to focus on their jobs.

As always, a visit by Pinhead Nation to the ugly end of Commonwealth Ave is an exercise in lunacy and an opportunity for the elite to mix with the raffish. The highlight, of course, is witnessing the scarlet and white-clad muck populating an arena named for a man who lacked the athleticism to play 1A football and settled for Boston U. BU's mega-Mongoloidian students, armed with a hatred only the combo of a "Rubbing Alcoholic-induced" buzz and a BC rejection letter can create, add to a sociological carnival that would make Jane Goodall proud.

Local street people who populate the Boston University campus give the Terriers a unique home ice advantage over their opponents.

Attendance at a game at Agganis Arena, or Egg-Anus Arena, is a celebration of academic incompetency. Realizing their inferiority to an elite group of visiting fans sitting in their own arena, BU fans chant "BC Sucks (for rejecting me)" while secretly wishing they were sitting in BC's section donning a gold t-shirt and owning an IQ above freezing. Some BU students, so hideously ugly that when they were born the hospital delivery room doctor slapped their mothers, hide their disfigured faces with paint.

During a promotion during BU hockey games, a lucky BU student is asked to raise his BC rejection letter and invite all those who also received one to leave Agganis Arena for free drinks at nearby T's Pub, thus emptying the arena.

The Egg-Anus Arena is one that has taken a considerable home ice advantage away from the home team. As recently as last year, BU's Walter Brown Arena, affectionately known as "The Urinal" for its permanent smell of kashi-laden urine, provided a formidable feeling of intimidation equalled only by the endless "call of the bottle" felt by the current Terrier hockey coach. Despite having toilets that are made with the ability to flush and actual sinks in the bathrooms, closer inspection of "Egg-Anus" reveals one epic flaw. While coach Parker has included several weight and meeting rooms designed to make his players better, he tragically erred when he allowed BU's existing fan base to pollute his multi-million dollar edifice.

Deep within the bowels of Agganis Arena are classrooms designed to help BU hockey players with their course work. Each year, BU Hockey's "Magna Cum Bourquey" Award is given to the Terrier icer who achieves the lowest team grade point average.

As the game vs. America's Team wore on, it became clear that they had caught BC on a bad night and were heading towards a victory over their hated rival. In a homage to former UNH netminder Michael Ayers and overall Wildcat NCAA futility, the Eagles collapsed by allowing 4 goals in the last eight minutes to fall 6-2 to BU. When the final buzzer sounded, the party in Kenmore Square was just beginning.

Following BU's 6-2 win over America's Team, Boston University students celebrated and danced the night away on Landsdowne Street.

While being carted back to the estate, we happened to throw on the TV to catch the second half of the ACC football title game. Sadly, the rewarding feeling of charity we felt after watching BC gift Kenmore State a much needed victory was quickly dashed by the ongoings in Jacksonville. Despite being a 14 point favorite, the bucolic mossbacks of Virginia Tech found a way to lose to Florida State, thus affecting the ultimate bowl destination of the gridders from Chestnut Hill.

Shortly after our arrival at the manse, there was a pounding on the door. When the door was opened, there stood one of our drones with a look of mortal shock on his face. He had bad news about BC's bowl destination and it was clear that our night had just begun...

(To be continued)

Even sorority girls at BU weren't shy about telling everyone who was "number one" after their team defeated BC.

Collar Up.

- DW

Something Old and Something B(l)U(e)

2005-12-01T17:16:00.000-05:00

Joe Paterno gives BU fans hope.

You've heard the comparisons before. Jack Parker is a classless, drunk version of JoePa. They've both lost it. They both should have retired long ago. The game has passed them by.

But this year these statements have proven to be false. Well... half false.

It's been an amazing season for Penn State football. They are a last-second Michigan touchdown away from being undefeated and in the national title mix. The old ball coach has risen from the ashes to return the old ball club to past glory. This return to glory at Penn State is real. And even though our Eurotrash friends down at the disgusting part of Comm Ave don't have a football team of their own to root for (American football anyhow), they've been watching college football and Penn State and see a reason for optimism in their once proud hockey program.

But that's where it all ends. Quickly reality slaps them in the face like a pimp slapping his hooker on the sidewalk in front of Warren Towers. And then it sinks in for the fans that couldn't get into Boston College. BU sits at 4-5-1 overall through a fairly easy schedule (RPI, Lowell x 2, UMass Amherst), with the reaper coming.

This weekend, they will stare face to face with the team they wish they were. And aside from selling out his players in the papers to cover up his pathetic recruiting and player development, there's nothing "Jack and Choke" can do to keep the downward spiral from happening. Like a portion of feculent waste that swirls the bowl before finally disappearing into oblivion, BU's hockey demise has exhibited a slower death than a moribund alzheimer's patient who overdoses on Viagra in hopes it will rekindle "the good ole' days".

Each game, Coach Parker's positive attitude and gregarious personality has his Terriers pumped and ready to return BU to its days of glory.

Like a lunatic standing in a traffic rotary yelling at cars, Parker will kick and scream while his team fails. It will be the ref's fault. It will be the puck's fault. It will be the fans' fault for only filling up half of their new 6,000 seat arena. It'll be the band's fault. But you can be sure in his own mind, it isn't HIS fault. Nope. Never. He'll berate officials. He'll bench players. But it's all just a circus sideshow to distract the few English speaking people that are watching from the main attraction from the student section. Truth be told, over the last decade, Kenmore Community College has gone from a perennial power and the best program in the east, to a has-been and the fourth best team in Hockey East.

So we raise our flumes to you, Penn State. We pop our collars to your football season and for giving BU fans a glimmer of hope during a hopeless situation. If you can actually get your arms around one of them, give a BU fan a hug today as they certainly need it.

As outlined above, it still SUX2BU. The worst BU fans of all are the "QueerEyefortheBUguys" who sit in the front of the BU student section and jump up and down and hug their male friends when BU scores a goal. After witnessing this phenomenon, it's clear that poor BU forward Brad Zancanaro won't the only one who will "get a high stick in the crease" on game night.

Due to fear of STD's among the student population, Boston University made it mandatory for BU fans to "wear protection" before jumping and hugging eachother after the rare BU goal.

The jumping and hugging by the male BU students has become a tradition at BU. Just like the fat, slightly-retarded, hairy ape named "Sasquatch" that takes his shirt off to get BU fans' minds off the fact that they hold a degree that we use as coasters at our yacht club. If you've been watching lately, you'd know that the Sasquatch tradition is on its way out. Quite frankly, we're worried that another pathetic BU tradition is in danger of becoming extinct as well (don't fret, BU students, fifth-year sophomore Khalid Karwari's "Kashi and Keg Cavalcade" in Shelton Hall is still alive and strong), we're talking about hockey recruiting.

"The Kashi and Keg Cavalcade" at BU allows students to blow off steam and "drop some trou" after enduring another failed hockey campaign.

It's December and another BU recruiting class is well on its way on the road to underachievement. Although loaded with young offensive firepower, once again, Jacko has somehow managed to turn a talented group into a class that couldn't score in a monkey whorehouse with a bag full of bananas. With almost 10 straight underachieving and overrated recruiting classes coming into Baghdad University, the Derrieres find themselves in fine company in the scoring department once again. BU's 2.62 goals per game average is 7th in Hockey East. The only ones who score less than BU are Northeastern, Merrimack, and that Pakistani kid with psoriasis who sits in the back of BU's "English for Hindus" class while stashing skin flakes in his turban.

It seems that BU students haven't been getting hugs as a result of the low scoring offense and their inability to convince any girls under 300 lbs to go out with them. So, we at Pinhead Nation implore you all to have a heart. Give a BU student fan a hug today. They badly need it. DISCLAIMER: Pinhead Nation is not responsible for the contraction of any STDs or head lice from hugging BU fans.

Dateless and without the burden of wearing deodorant, the BU hockey fan is living proof of what can happen to a high school student if he doesn't take his S.A.T.s seriously.

While we're on BU recruiting classes, it reminds the people you wish you were how extraordinary the freshman class is over at America's Team. BC's dynamic duo of Brock Bradford and Nathan Gerbe have combined for 8 goals already this year, 3 of those being game-winners. BU's Terrible Trio (realize we're giving BU an extra player while comparing 2 vs. 3 players here) of Brandon Yip, Chris "Crosby" Higgins, and Jason "Drury who?" Lawrence have combined for 5 goals. And only 1 of those 5 goals were game-winning goals. The stud of the class, Lawrence has a whopping 1 goal to his name so far. Welcome to the Terrier hockey, Jason! Another great recruiting class for BU. Remember, you can't spell B-U-S-T without "B-U."

Look on the bright side BU fans, the 2nd Monday in February is almost here, so the season is almost over!

Collar Up.

- Mav

60 Days In Orono

2005-11-16T18:00:00.000-05:00

"Orono, Maine. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy". - Obi-Wan Kenobi, Star Wars, 1977.

The life of a collar-up brahmin knows no bounds. Due to our social status, it is quite common that the phone at Stately Pinhead Manor will ring and moments later, we are whisked off to another mysterious locale for a cotillion or even to smoke a mint Dunhill Cabinetta.

To our dismay, while away on our most recent excursion that took us to the far reaches of Europe, one of our dear friends, C.P. Maurer, was arrested after sailing his Aicon around the Sound after drinking an excess of 1780 Jameson. Upon hearing the news, we jumped aboard the Gulfstream GV and flew home for his trial.

Due to his recherché family lineage and recent donation to the town, C.P. was ordered to serve 60 days of community service. While it seemed he had succesfully eluded the long arm of the law's pinch with such a purportless sentence, the judge, after witnessing your superiors opening a bottle of Krug Clos du Menil in the courtroom to celebrate, turned a dour tone and did the unthinkable: He ordered C.P.'s community service to take place in Orono, Maine.

C.P. is collar-up chap of many skills, although a noted philanthropist, he is best known as the veterinarian to the cognoscenti. Whether your Neapolitan Mastiff has taken ill or you simply need a professional to groom your prize Persian, C.P. is your fellow. For that reason, to satisfy the inhuman sentence bestowed upon him by the judge who clearly had no concept of "cruel and unusual punishment", our gilt-edged friend decided to open up a veterinary office in Orono to serve the local riff-raff.

After a few weeks tending to the ills of the local Orono barnyard clientele, C.P. had seen enough and began to count down the days to the end of his sentence. They say when you see one sexually molested sheep, you've seen them all, but clearly, dear Dr. Maurer was getting quite squeamish.

After losing his right arm during a bovine fisting experiment gone awry, a young John Silber moved from Maine to Boston and began a career in education.

He phoned to tell us one disturbing tale of a conversation he overheard in the office waiting room between a pair of local women. Apparently, one of them, a 275 lb woman, was complaining because the pain in her knees from having sex 'doggy style' was becoming insufferable. When the other woman, quite unsightly herself even to a blind man, inquired if she knew any other sexual positions besides 'doggy style', she responded, "yes, but my dog doesn't".

According to the court documents, a juvenille from Bangor accused of molesting an animal after a night of drinking said it appeared to be "asking for it".

Upon hearing the women's conversation of accepted social bestiality, C.P. ran into his office, closed the door, and picked up the local paper, The Incestuous Oronian. It seems even the town's lone point of pride, U.Maine hockey, had gotten in hot water once again. Buried in the ads for used pick-ups and lightly soiled overalls was a story about a pair of intellectually vacant Maine hockey players accused of assault and criminal mischief.

According to the paper, Blackbears junior Mike Hamilton from "Parts Unknown, British Columbia" and "General" Wesley Clark of Oakville, Ontario (home of collar up hockey champion Sam Gagner) were arrested after they cowardly attacked a Maine baseball player who had, according to witnesses, slipped Hamilton's personal goat a "Liberace". The police report noted that 15 of their friends, including some fellow hockey players (excluding Ben Bishop, Derek Damon, Greg Moore, and any other Blackbear who had more than 10 points, according to coach Tim Whitehead) were involved.

The big rumors down at Old Town's paper mill and vacant dentist offices are the hockey players will be punished by the University, who has a reputation of no tolerance and strict discipline towards its hockey program. After the 1994 hockey scandal (remember, Maine cheated in 1992 and 1994, but not 1993), University fathers demanded that Shawn Walsh's players are not allowed to watch TV after 7pm for an entire week.

Despite the joy created by a sibling white wedding, the latest Maine hockey scandal has cast a pall over even the happiest moments in Vacationland.

When former Maine hockey horticulturist Paul Falco was proven to be a dealer of unlawful pharmaceuticals tightly wrapped in Zig Zags, Falco was ordered back to his dormitary without dinner. Less we forget when the ring leader of this "Maine Mafioso" was ultimately summoned back to Hades, he was given a send off that made Pope John Paul II's funeral look as empty as a U. Maine Mensa Club meeting.

After about an hour, the knock on C.P.'s door told him that his break was over and his next appointment to surgically extract a used and impacted condom out of the rear end of a moose had arrived.

As 60 agonizing days in Orono mercifully came to an end, your superiors feel that the experience has left our friend with a profound experience that comes with spending time in Orono, Maine. Perhaps when he completes his therapy, we can all sit around the fire, sip brandy while chortling about the time during his sentence that he had to remove a U.Maine freshman's trouser button from the colon of a raccoon. Time heals all wounds, even emotional ones.

Despite laws against animal fornication (more "guidelines" than "laws"), Maine residents find creative, yet discreet, ways to find loopholes.

Collar Up.

- DW

It's the Great Cheater, Charlie Brown

2005-10-31T18:50:00.000-05:00

As your superiors prepare for another Halloween while watching our hired help from NU's Doctorate Program sew popped collars into our costumes, I perused through the TV guide to see what haunted entertainment I could find. After shuddering when we saw NHPTV was a airing a ghastly program called "Richard Umile Shows You How To Strip For Your Lover", we happened upon a television classic. It was a remake of a classic Peanuts comic strip cartoon that we enjoyed as young wards growing up on the estate. A thorough description of this Halloween Classic appeared in the TV Guide:

In the 2005 half-hour animated special It's The Great Cheater, Charlie Brown, the coaches and players of U. Maine's hockey program celebrate Halloween, with Head Coach Tim Whitehead hoping that, finally, he will be visited by The Great Cheater, while Blackbears' forward Keith Johnson is invited to a junior high school Halloween party. Whitehead believes in a strange hybrid of a hockey coach, outlaw, and NCAA Rules Violating character named: The Great Cheater.

Whitehead thinks that the Great Cheater will arise out of the most revered cemetery in Maine on Halloween night and deliver phantom scholarships and illegal financial gifts to all the 20-something Canadian hockey recruits from "Parts Unknown". Of course, Whitehead becomes somewhat obsessed with his self-appointed mission to not only receive illegal scholarships from The Great Cheater for his undying belief, but he actually wants to be in the cemetery when the benevolent giver of academically ineligible players rises from among the gravestones.

October 31st has arrived again, and the night of Halloween is upon the coaches of Maine's hockey program. Assistant coach Grant Standbrook gets his boss Whitehead to carry home home his recruiting list, and decides he doesn't really like what's inside the envelope showing the list of french speaking academic detritus he's recruited.

While the coaches are busy white-outing the SAT scores of their incoming freshmen (known as Maine's "Trick or Cheat" campaign), Whitehead is penning his annual letter to the Great Cheater.

Each year, Coach Whitehead hopes that his letter to the Great Cheater will give him the illegal edge he needs to keep his scandal ridden program afloat.

Standbrook is obviously embarrassed by his boss who is ridiculed by the other Hockey East coaches. Whitehead patiently explains the merits of the Great Cheater to one of his players, Keith Johnson, but dismisses his non-belief of the spectre as a matter of moral differences and conflicts of Johnson's personal "old enough to pee, old enough for me" doctrine.

Every year Whitehead returns to the most revered cemetery in Maine he knows with Blackbear mascot "Bananas"......

The Great Cheater is believed to rise out of the cemetery to bestow gifts of illegal scholarships to those who are true believers.

Whitehead: "Here we are, Bananas, sitting in a cemetery waiting for the Great Cheater. Every Halloween the Great Cheater flies through the air with his bag of illicit recruiting gifts, and just think.....if you and I sit here all night, we may get to see him!"

"I really appreciate your sitting out here with me, Bananas.....
I must admit, however, that I've been wondering why you keep wearing those dark glasses all the time."

Bananas:
"There are certain times when you prefer Not to be recognized with Maine hockey coaches"

One year, Whitehead persuades freshman Vince Laise to keep his waiting.....
Since Vince, at age 23 is old enough to stay up all night, Vince must decide whether to join Johnson in trick or treating with local teens, or keep vigil in the cemetery with his coach, Tim Whitehead.

As the local kids go trick or treating, Keith Johnson is found wearing his famous ghost costume, which has 18 holes instead of the traditional two (for obvious reasons).

As the kids count the "spoils" of their trick or treat bags........

Johnson says: "I got a rock (in my pocket, that is)."

After trick or treating is over, the kids gather for the rest of the evening for a Halloween party. The highlight of the party is when Johnson goes bobbing for adolescents and brings up one with Bananas on the other end of it.

After being lambasted by Johnson about "venereal diseases", Bananas decides to go out on patrol searching for the Scarlet Baron. As our heroic fighter pilot lurks through the underbrush of the ugly end of Commonwealth Avenue (actually the Orono neighborhood's backyards), struggling to find his way behind night clubs and Kashi kitchens....he ends up in the cemetery.

While searching for the Scarlet Baron, Famous World War I Fighter Pilot "Bananas" saw many troubling glimpses of war when flying past windows in BU's Warren Towers co-ed dormitary.

Bananas rises up in the moonlight of the cemetery....Whitehead, thinking The Great Cheater has finally arrived, faints.

Laise is pretty upset when he realizes he spent the whole night in a cemetery, missing out on all the treats and the party, only to witness his team's stupid mascot, Bananas.

Laise: "I was robbed! I spent the whole night waiting for the Great Cheater when I could have been out meeting high school girls with KJ! Halloween is over and I missed it! You blockhead! You kept me up all night waiting for the Great Cheater and all that came was a fake bear who strips for no damn reason!"

"I didn't get a chance to go out to the party! And it was all your fault! What a fool I was. And could have met Candy and Caitlin! And Cindy and Mary and all sorts of cheerleaders! But no, I had to listen to you! You Whitehead. What a fool I was. Trick or Treat only comes once a year. And I miss it by sitting in a cemetery with a Whitehead. You owe me financial and academic restitution!"

Whitehead: "You've heard about fury in a twenty-something Canadian scorned, haven't you?"

Johnson: "Yes, I guess I have."

Whitehead: "Well, that's nothing compared to the fury of a twenty-something Canadian who has been cheated out of Trick or Treat".

Johnson: "Good grief".

Collar Up.

Hockey East Rookie of the Weak (Oct 17)

2005-10-18T21:56:00.000-04:00

Greetings, destitutes, it's that time of the year again. By now you should be fully aware that we have many laughs at the expense of the less fortunate; students and alumni of the pathetic schools that we encounter on the gridiron and on the ice. Likewise, you should all be aware that this extends to the athletes that attend these so-called schools of higher learning as well. Hockey season is now in full swing and it's time for another year of awful Hockey East recruits and busts to compete for the weekly honor of being named Pinhead Nation's Rookie of the Weak. The winner will once again be vying for the Caron Cup, the prized trophy awarded to honor all-time Hockey East bust Eddie Caron.

This week's ROTW is:

Brandon Yip, F, Boston University

Some might say we have a slanted view on things, but in this instance we're looking through Brandon Yip's eyes. Yip, a former teammate of America's Team's fabulous freshman Brock Bradford at Coquitlam, can't be happy with this weekend's performance in BU's game vs. UMass-Lowell. While some of his freshman classmates handed out assists in BU's 3-1 win over the Lowly-ones, Yip was seemingly handing out orange chicken samples, instead. Yip registered just 2 SOG and, like a burglar going into UNH's trophy case, he came away empty-handed.

(Dis)Honorable Mention:

Joe Charlebois, D, UNH

In fitting fashion, Charlebois has shown that he already has the Caron Cup in his cross-hairs (or is it cross-mullet for UNH players?). Charlebois, a defenseman out of Sioux City of the USHL, a 6th round draft pick of the Chicago Blackhawks and highly touted by UNH fans, posted not a single point nor a shot on goal in his time on the ice vs. Ferris State. Of course, his chances would have been much better had he not been kicked out of the game about half way through. Like his idol Eddie Caron, who had a penchant for cheap-shotting opponents into the boards face first, Charlebois received a 5-minute major and a game misconduct for hitting from behind. Although he was not DQed and was eligible to play the next night vs. Nebraska Omaha, he was benched by Whistling Dick Umile. Leadfoot Lives!

Steve McClellan, D, NU

McClellan, a defenseman out of Cushing Academy, might be the next great Cushing Academy graduate/Hockey East moron, following in the footsteps of BU flunkie Chris Bourque and UNH reject/Maine recruit Keith Yandle, to hit the Hockey East ice. Hopefully for him, he is a little more adept in the classroom than he is on the ice. In game 1 of NU's trip to Grand Forks, North Dakota to take on the Fighting Sioux, McClellan failed to register a single point and failed to generate a single shot on goal. He did, however, manage to be a liability for the Huskies with a -3 rating while being on the ice for 4 of North Dakota's 6 goals in a 6-0 beatdown from the Sioux. The next night, for NU's 2-1 loss, though a moral victory for our furry friends on Huntingon Ave, McClellan was not allowed to participate due to being benched.

Well, there you have it. It's nice to see that things haven't changed and that the freshmen in Hockey East that don't play in Chestnut Hill have Hockey East's Collar Down teams in position to battle for the honor of being the team to finish behind Boston College for years to come.

This year we're adamant that we are going to take input from our readers. If you'd like to nominate a Hockey East player for the ROTW, please send us email to mailbag@pinheadnation.com. We'll give strong consideration to your nominations. Additionally, as always, we welcome comments from anyone and everyone not named Jeff Bragdon. See you next week for another edition highlighting the non-achievements of Hockey East's awful recruits.

Collar Up.

MAV

Owned

2005-10-13T07:06:00.000-04:00

Here at Pinhead Nation World Headquarters, we have bestowed upon ourselves the awesome responsibility to point out shortcomings and chortle at intellectual failings. Truth be told, with the inception of internet blogs, it has become difficult to distinguish between the truth and fabrication. To prove this point, the people you wish you were empowered one of our hired drones to find a way to challenge one of these so-called blogs and show it to be nothing more than a land of bogus information.

Owned

Let your superiors set the stage. In the world of college hockey, top recruits have the world at their fingertips and thousands of fans waiting on their every word. Such a prospect is Sam Gagner. Gagner, a prized recruit from Canada has been reported to be considering many schools, among them America's Team, Minnesota, and Wisconsin, by reputable college hockey recruiting sources.

In late September, an internet blog (name undisclosed to protect the incompetent) focused on Hockey East claimed that Gagner had shocked the college hockey world and chose to attend Kenmore State College. Below is the text of the blog's report:

Thursday, September 22, 2005
BU to land Gagner

It is looking like Boston University will recieve a verbal commitment from Sam Gagner. I got this from a reliable source tonight:

Although I was unable to confirm it today, I am 90% sure that BU just received a verbal commitment from Sam Gagner who would be without a doubt the first significant recruit landed by BU in years. BC was frustrated with the fact that the new BU rink and the Mike Boyle connection were such a big factor in his decision. This was a big loss for the eagles although they really didn’t have room for him. It was being reported that BC, Wisonconsin, and Minnesota were all recruiting Gagner.

I got a call from a 2nd source this afternoon that is telling me that I might have jumped the gun 24 hours, because this source is saying that Gagner has committed, but he did so yesterday, not Thursday when I first reported it.

What does this mean? Well first off, it means that we first broke the Petrecki to BC story, and when other agencies pick it up, it will be proven that we broke this one as well.

Knowing that a player with such skills is unlikely to be attracted to morbidly obese coeds, your superiors, among many others, doubted the story's legitimacy that he committed to Boston University.

Late one evening soon after in Stately Pinhead Manor's "Situation Room", a plan was hatched to prove this story was untrue and its author was merely fabricating an obviously false story. After several ideas, it was decided there was only one way to test the story's truth, by going right to the source.

Owned

Utilizing "yahoo mail", a pretend email was set up using the name "Sam Gagner" and an electronic missive was sent to the blog's author. Curious to see if we'd get a response, the following email was sent to the blogger:

From: Sam Gagner
To: ***************
Subject: Your hockey blog
Date: Tue, 27 Sep 2005 16:32:46 -0700 (PDT)

To whom it may concern:

A buddy of mine told me about your website and I wanted to clarify some things for you. I have not committed to Boston U. or anyone. I'm not sure where you got your info, but its completely wrong. I would appreciate it if you didn't write any more stories that aren't true. Thank you.

Needless to say, your superiors were stunned to see a response to this email shortly after. Expecting a smart remark or, at minimum, looking for assurances that this email was legitimate, imagine our surprise to read the following mail in the inbox:

******************* wrote:

I apologize for any inconvenience. I had a source that told me he was 100% positive that you had commited to Boston U. I will post a retraction immediately. I apologize again, and good luck with your College, and eventual pro hockey career.

Sitting around our fireplace finishing the last remnants of brandy, our socially elite jaws dropped faster than a Maine resident's overalls when faced with the backside of an unsuspecting bovine. Somehow, without any verification whatsoever, the following blog entry appeared on his website:

Personal Retraction statement regarding Gagner

It has been brought to my attention that my report on Gagner commiting to BU were in fact incorrect. I will always stand by my sources, and never reveal them to anyone, and I went with what they gave me here, and I was wrong, and for that I apologize to all of my readers, and more importantly Sam Gagner.

Again, my apologies

Your superiors quickly became perplexed. Why would someone claiming he had such solid sources denounce his story based on a phantom email out of nowhere? Admittedly, this blogger had a correct source claiming top recruit Nick Petrecki had committed to America's Team and did "break the story", but why such a hard hitting journalist would fail to verify a source astounded all of us.

Owned

Was this blogger's original source true? Is he really BU bound? The 'Nation can only surmise, but based on his quick retraction, it's clear his sources were likely flawed. Nonetheless, we convened in the Situation Room a few days later to see if this blogger had learned a lesson about checking his sources so not to further embarrass himself. The following email was dispatched to find out:

From: Sam Gagner
To: ***********************
Subject: RE: Your hockey blog
Date: Tue, 4 Oct 2005 15:41:37 -0700 (PDT)

Hey, thanks for retracting that story. I wanted to let you know that I had a long talk with my family this weekend and I've decided to commit to the University of Minnesota Gophers. Coach Lucia says not to tell anyone yet because of scholarship money things, but I thought I'd let you know. When they straighten out the money thing in a few weeks or so, Coach Lucia said I can tell people, but I'll tell you as long as you know you didn't hear it from me. See you later.

Knowing we likely had the blogger hooked, we eagerly anticipated a response. Realizing that the true Sam Gagner was unlikely to commit anywhere soon, adding the fabricated story about not being able to tell anyone due to a scholarship money issue would answer the question of why such a prominent commitment hadn't been picked up by legitimate recruiting publications. It didn't take long, but soon after the email was sent, the following response was received:

*********************** wrote:

Awesome! This is great news. Good luck in Minnesota, and I will run the story now, but be sure, I did not hear it from you.

Faster than a TV announcer can say "Ayers gives up another third period goal", news of Gagner's "real" commitment was announced to the college hockey world on his blog:

Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Sam Gagner commits to Minnesota (Official and Confirmed)

Sam Gagner has apparently decided on being a Gopher. I have a source within BU that told me this today, I have since confirmed it with more than one source.

It will not be announced for a couple of weeks because there is a financial issue that needs to be worked out within the University. But beleive me, after jumping the gun the first time, I did not want to mess this up again, I am now 100% positive that Gagner is heading to Minnesota. I have it confirmed from numerous different sources, one within BU, one within BC, and one from Minnesota that was given to me by my BU source.

Congratulations to Gagner, and I wish him well in his hockey future.

Again the University will not announce this for a couple of weeks because there is a money issue that needs to get sorted out, but believe me, Gagner is a Gopher.

Days later, after perhaps realizing he'd be had, our naive friend chose to shut down his blog and pull it from the internet. Your superiors were disappointed to hear that it is no longer available to peruse and wonder if he thought that what he was writing was true, or whether he was just trying to spread rumors. The 'Nation wishes Sam Gagner luck wherever his collegiate days will be. Hopefully when he does commit, it'll be from a source that even the most collar-up college hockey fans can believe.

- Collar Up.

Pinhead Nation's PreSeason All-Milk Carton Team

2005-10-11T07:14:00.000-04:00

Where do the days go? It seems like just yesterday that your superiors were sitting aboard our Aicon 72 while sipping a zesty 1914 Pierre Ferrand Memoire Cognac and enjoying a spectacular view of the Greek Cyclades.

Now, with the summer sun melting away faster than the national championship dreams of a University of New Hampshire hockey fan, it's time that the people you wish you were began to focus on the upcoming season in Hockey East.

Each year, students of New England's colleges begin the fall semester with meager goals. At Boston College, the importance of networking and meeting appropriate 'collar-up' acquaintances is paramount, while at Boston University, hoping you've lost enough weight over the summer so not to be too obese for the sidewalk tops the list.

Regardless, whether your are a member of the elite from America's Best College in Chestnut Hill or a U. Maine fan still picking splinters out of your posterior from an unkept Orono, Maine outhouse, autumn and college hockey have arrived signalling the best season of the year.

With the new college hockey season on the horizon, Pinhead Nation is proud to announce our "2005-06 All-Milk Carton Team" honoring Hockey East's likely disappointments and busts for the upcoming season.

Forwards:

Maine's Josh Soares is living proof that not all things improve with age. Although starting the season as a 23-year old junior after unseating Thornton Mellon as the world's oldest living freshman at age 21, Soares is a lock to disappoint in 2005-06. After leading the Hamilton Kilty Bees of the OPJHL in scoring with 124 points in 2002, Soares has tallied just 26 points in 50 games in Orono. Although Soares is older than most of his professors at Maine, not surprisingly he did not qualify for Hockey East's Academic All-Star Team last year.

Like Ozzie Canseco, Ken Brett, Roger Clinton, and Billy Carter, UNH's Mark Kolanos proves that the apple does, in fact, fall very far from the tree. While brother Krys scored an overtime goal to seal the 2001 National Title for America's Team, younger brother Mark has done nothing but tarnish the family name. Entering his final year in Titletown, USA, Kolanos has 10 points in 43 career games. Unlike former UNH bust Ed Caron, Kolanos' is hardly a hit with the UNH "ladies" as the Calgary native's looks aren't worth a UNH coed's effort to take her vibrator off her dormitory gunrack and put it to use between games.

It's rare a freshman earns a spot on the PreSeason Milk Carton Team, but your superiors at Pinhead Nation feel BU's Brandon Yip will prove to be a prophetic choice. Not only does he make the forward squad, but he is the proud recipient of the "Co-Rookie of the Year" award. Yip spent the last few years carrying America's Team freshman Brock Bradford's jock around British Columbia and saw his production drop after Bradford wisely left for the USHL's Omaha Lancers. Without a quality player on BU's roster this fall to help him, expect Yip (and the hype that surrounds him) to disappear faster than a box of Krispie Kremes left in a BU sorority house.

Defense:

Of all of this year's Pre Season Milk Carton Team recipients, Boston University's Dan Spang is the true essence of the word "bust". In 106 total games at Kenmore State, the "Wicked Wunderbust from Winchester" has tallied just 39 points although being heralded as a top recruit after an MVP performance in the Hockey Night In Boston tourney in 2001. To show what a pathetic freshman campaign Spang had (.33 points per game), his team voted him BU's "Most Improved Player" after notching a mere .37 points per game as a sophomore. Following graduation, expect to see Spang enroll in Bloomingdale's Management Training Program joining former Terrier Bryan Miller.

Returning for his junior year of hockey incompetency is Commack, NY native and Northeastern defenseman Steve Birnstill. Birnstill joined the Huskies after former coach Bruce Crowder's primary defensive recruit, an actual traffic cone, spurned the program and chose to pursue a career slowing traffic on the Massachusetts Turnpike's Exit 9 instead. Since arriving at Matthews Arena, Birnstill, affectionately known as "Standstill", has captured 26 points in 70 total games while combining for a career -19 +/- rating. Birnstill achieved the team nadir in +/- futility in 2004-05 with a pathetic -11 rating to embarrass his school and his family.

Goaltender:

Not only is BU's John Curry our pick as the goaltender on our Milk Carton squad, he is also the proud recipient of our first annual "PreSeason Milkman of the Year Award" honoring the player who will flop the most in the coming year. Despite a respectable 18-11-3 record, Curry honored the BU motto of "never to excel" by having just a 5-6-1 record against teams in the top 15 in 2004-05. Since the Beanpot means the world to BU, coach Jack Parker ensured a Terrier victory over BC by placing Curry on the bench and playing his backup. If only Parker benched Curry in the postseason, perhaps Kenmore Community College wouldn't have lost their last two games by a combined score of 9-2. With Spang taking on the role of primary defenseman, look for Curry's Goals Against Average to rise faster the average age of a UMaine hockey freshman.

Milk Carton Team Co-Rookie of the Year:

The faster they climb, the faster they fall. Remember this old saying when the NCAA career of Maine freshman goaltender Ben Bishop falls faster than ex-BU Terrier Chris Bourque's Grade Point Average. Bishop, the 2005 third round draft pick throwaway by the St. Louis Blues, will quickly make Maine fans long for the days of Alfie Michaud and Jimmy Howard. Although arriving in Orono with greater hype than last spring's arrival of cable TV (in selected areas), Bishop nearly found himself on the outside looking in when he was almost bypassed by a goaltender who ultimately ended up playing D3 hockey. In all liklihood, the happiest man on the U. Maine campus this year will prove to be backup goaltender Matt Lundin.

Well chums, there you have Pinhead Nation's 2005-06 preseason All-Milk Carton team. Despite the rise of Boston College football and the annual comedic demise of the New York Yankees, college hockey season has arrived and with it, the dashings of college hockey hopes from Durham, NH to Babcock Street, USA. Enjoy.

Collar Up.

- Mav and DW

Have No Life? You Can Still Have a "Fantasy" Life

2005-09-12T06:42:00.000-04:00

Being a superior individual from a elite class of socialites, I will admit that from time to time, I tend to paint with a broad brush when discussing lesser classes of people. I remind myself that not everyone is fortunate to have the education I have nor do most come from the exclusive stock of family heritage as did I. At times, though, my collar-up bretheren and I have no choice but to chortle at the plebieanic methods that many of you rank and file riff-raff use to grant yourselves an ersatz avenue to add meaning to your fustian lives. One of the most pathetic and lamentable ways for many of you to achieve such a goal is to partake in the cyberwretch world of "fantasy football".

For the uninitiated, "fantasy football" is a competitive game played by obese shut-ins who, having absolutely no athletic ability whatsoever, still find a method to find football competition amongst their peers. Normally, fantasy football lasts the duration of the NFL football season and commences when a group of potbellied and socially eliminated males gather to "draft" existing football players to comprise a roster aimed at achieving fantasy football supremacy. Although drafts can take weeks to complete, the ability to study football players without the inconvenience of being gainfully employed tends to expedite many fantasy draft sessions.

Fantasy Football drafts are festive occasions partaken by repudiated misfits who represent the nadir of athletic and social ability.

In the past, the people you wish you were have chided those who play the "game" of poker and how much the card game has contributed to the lives of the classic "out of work, dead-beat dad American male". Many characteristics of fantasy football players are similar to those who spend their weekends playing "Texas Hold 'Em" while maintaining a life completely devoid of female companionship. Both tend to be paunchy and bloated loners who maintain their bachelor pads comfortably nestled in the basement of their parent's home. Also similar, they both take their craft seriously since victory on the fantasy football grid is equally congruent for the fantasy football shut-in to a substantial life victory achieved by a socially adequate individual.

Without such barriers as a job, spouse, or socially acceptable bathing practices, fantasy football "owners" spend countless hours on the internet scouring for quality talent in their draft rooms. (read: mother's basements)

While comparisons to poker players are plentiful, there are some stark differences that make fantasy football players even more godforsaken. Though the poker player mistakenly feels that his success is based on his own skill and not the 100% fortuitous crapshoot that poker actually is, fantasy football gurus rely on accomplished athletes for their rewards. Instead of "bluffing" and "folding" as they do in card games highlighted by high level conversations usually involving alimony payments, these dunderheads rely on the skills of actual employed athletes and merely sit in front of a television as their mode of competition.

Why is this man happy? Did he get a job or find a woman to actually spend time with him without monetary compensation? No. Sadly, this man found his joy in the fact that Oakland Raider Randy Moss was "available" to pick during his 12-hour fantasy draft last weekend.

The one enigmatic aspect of the existence of a fantasy football rube is the strange superior attitudes some display about their hobby. There are few things worse than watching a football game than after an outstanding athletic play on the gridiron, one of these woebegone destitutes informs all around him know that said player "is on his fantasy team." This outward display of giddy and useless information is seen as a cry for help by others, but for the fantasy guru, it is to announce that he is somehow wiser than those within earshot for having the superior "intelligence" in realizing his player's skill and drafting him for his fantasy team.

The etymology of the fantasy football "owner" can be traced back, usually, to his youth. In many regards, fantasy football is simply an extension of years of playing the insufferably aberrant "Dungeons and Dragons" with similar idiosyncratic companions. As years go by, women stay away while these pariahs find new ways to placate their male-centered instincts while massaging their misguided egos in convincing themselves that success in corraling a quality fantasy football team equates to intellectual superiority and social acceptance.

Although having no socially redeeming characteristics whatsoever, the fantasy football owner can hold his head high when "his" Quarterback earns enough fantasy points to help his defeat his likewise downwardly mobile adversary.

In the end, it always goes back to the class and upbringing of the individual. If a person is properly educated and raised in a cultured class, he will becomed learned, attend a fine institution as Boston College, and rise to the top. Without such nurturing, he will likely fall into the morass of worthlessness and spend his weekends, not at the country club, but at the card table or the annual Fantasy Football Draft party.

Collar Up.

- DW

Six Months To Glory

2005-09-07T07:05:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday was one of my favorite days of my summer. Sitting at a table with a handful of collar-up business leaders while enjoying the Symphony and nibbling on lobster salad really makes you realize your own individual preponderence. During the lively performance, one that brazenly mixed such diverse melodies as Kander and Ebb's "Willkommen" and Bernstein's "Tonight", my mind began to wander. Normally my thoughts would only escape to mentally affirm to myself that my salary exceeds those sitting at my table, but this time was different. As America's best college had just defeated a handful of odious 30 year-old Mormons from BYU on the gridiron, my fancies turned to football.

Here in New England, championship football is as expected as the monthly arrival of a Northeastern graduate's welfare check. Since the accession of coach Bill Belichick, a collar-up Phillips-Andover prep school graduate, the New England Patriots have been the beau monde of the National Football League. The great thing about American football is allows the lower and middle classes to share a sporting interest as the people they wish they were. Though your superiors enjoy polo and golf while you likely enjoy Texas Hold 'Em and belching contests, we can all agree on our admiration for America's true pastime.

Each year when the calendar turns to September and a brisk chill in the air kisses the night sky, football pundits from across America put pen to paper and begin to write the obituary for the reigning dynasty of the NFL, the Patriots. From such public school alums as The Boston Globe's Ron Borges to CBS Sportsline fecal dropping Pete Prisco, the demise of the collar-up kings of the NFL is always at hand. After several hours of pontification, your superiors have chosen to enlighten you all with our thoughts about the upcoming NFL season.

Indianapolis Colts fans have become accustomed to a sad conclusion to their season behind their lovable loser quarterback, Peyton Manning.

AFC Predictions

Division Champions:

New England (East) - 2006 AFC East Champion t-shirts and caps are on sale now at Gillette Stadium's souvenir stands.

Baltimore (North) - Proof that "Crime does pay" as Ravens' Linebacker Ray Lewis and Running Back Jamal Lewis spend the winter not in jail, but the AFC playoffs.

Jacksonville (South) - Jaguars fans may pray to the altar of Lynyrd Skynyrd and NASCAR, but this will be the year Jack Del Rio's Jaguars unseat Indianapolis in the south.

Denver (West) - Sure, the Broncos have the most overrated coach in the NFL in Mike Shanahan, but looking at that division, this is probably the best apple in a rotten bunch.

While NY Jets fans are confident, it's likely that it will be a while until famous Jet Fan "Ed the Drunken Fireman" tastes Super Bowl glory.

AFC Wildcards:

New York Jets - Though Chad Pennington is perennially injured and appears to be "light in his loafers", the Jets defense is good enough to finish second in the AFC East.

Indianapolis Colts - With such an offensive arsenal as the Colts, Archie Manning could lead this team to the playoffs. Unfortunately for Colts' fans, Peyton Manning struggled to beat the iron of the NCAA while at U of Tennessee and likewise cannot beat the elite of the NFL.

Throughout gay bars in the San Francisco Bay Area, Raiders fans are realizing that another gloomy year awaits them.

NFC Predictions

Division Champions:

Philadelphia (East) - Sure, QB Donovan McNabb choked under the bright lights of Super Bowl XXXIX and Terrell Owens is the epitome of the 21st century selfish athlete, but the remainder of the NFC East is a division of glorified high school teams.

Minnesota (North) - With pothead Randy Moss no longer running over metermaids in the Twin Cities, there should be plenty of narcotics to go around and keep the Vikings flying high.

Carolina (South) - The NFC's version of Jacksonville. While Sundays in the summer are devoted to rooting against Jeff Gordon in "Trailerpark-land, USA", their focus in the fall is on the Panthers.

Seattle (West) - With Matt Hasselbeck at QB, a fine signal-caller who wears his collar up, the Seahawks look to be the best in the west.

While Pittsburgh fans are in for a down year, some fans in the Steel City are thrilled that prices at concession stands at Heinz Field did not go up this season.

NFC Wildcards:

Atlanta - The Vick brothers may be social sexoholics, but the Falcons should have enough to make the playoffs in a watered down NFC.

St. Louis - Despite having a WVU alum at QB, Bulger will likely have the good sense to avoid moonshine on Saturday nights and lead a diminishing talented Rams for one last playoff run.

Super Bowl XL:

New England vs. Carolina

In a rematch of Super Bowl XXXVIII, it seems unlikely that Carolina's defense, as good as they appear to be, can stop all of the Patriots' weapons. As Belichick accepts his fourth Lombardi Trophy in the last five years, the Patriots coach stuns the nationally televised audience by announcing that he learned everything he knows about football from Boston College coach Tom O'Brien.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Collar Up.

- DW

Pinhead Nation's Back To School Special

2005-08-21T18:28:00.000-04:00

The feeling in the air is unmistakable. Around the perfectly manicured campus in Chestnut Hill, MA, wide-eyed incoming freshmen realize that a lifetime of academic preparation has paid off as they've finally arrived at Boston College. Their parents, distinguished collar-ups from the upper echelons of the American patriciate, beam with pride as their children take a ponderous step towards gilt-edged status by gaining admission to America's Best University.

Across New England, less fortunate students are also beginning their collegiate careers, but unlike those embarking on the road to elitism at Boston College, these students are beginning a four-year "road to nowhere". Due to slow academics or familial destitution, these future stable sweepers were unable to gain admission to BC and find themselves left to attend one of several remedial institutions that dot the northeast corridor like syphilitic blemishes on the face of a Lowell prostitute.

At the raffish end of Commonwealth Avenue, hundreds of "Eurotrash to English" translators await the annual arrival of European guttersnipe to Boston University's freshman class. Those fortunate students who successfully manipulate the Patriot Act can look forward to four years of dancing on Landsdowne Street and wondering what happens on Saturday afternoons in the fall at BU's Nickerson Field.

The United States Immigration and Naturalization Service's alert level is always raised in August as several illegal immigrants annually attempt to sneak into the U.S. by hiding in the luggage of incoming Boston University freshmen from overseas.

Those BU incoming freshmen that do actually call America their homeland will spend a different psychological odyssey over their next four years. Despite dreaming of the day they would walk the chestnut tree-laden grounds at BC, academic or economic infirmities denied them their aspirations and left them to rely on their "safety school" option. Unfortunately, for most of these dullards, getting so close to a dream only to see it snatched away leads BU students to display irrational hatred towards Boston College and the future world-leaders who attend it.

For unsuspecting BU freshmen males, dealing with the raging hormones of horny BU coeds will be their greatest challenge.

For many students, leaving for college represents the first time they will be away from home. While BC freshmen have become acclimated to living elsewhere due to spending time at the family's vacation homes in Aspen or Nantucket, for many who attend state colleges, leaving their hovels for the first time can be a tremendously emotional experience.

Despite high levels of radon in recent years at the University of New Hampshire's Stoke Hall, freshmen live together in a communal atmosphere designed to foster togetherness and memorize UNH chants to be yelled at future hockey games.

Usually within the first few days, especially at a subpar university, the first bout of homesickness sets in. Despite the fact that some students are enjoying freedom for the first time and those at UMaine or UNH are taking their maiden voyage in flushing an indoor toilet, memories of home usually make the days long. To combat the anticipated feeling of a freshman's yearning for the homeland, most schools offer freshman orientation and other enjoyable sops to take their minds off of how morose their existence actually is.

During "move in weekend" at Boston University, the first 100 students to arrive on campus will win valuable prizes. This year's package includes a sodomized Jack Parker Bobblehead doll, a year's worth of Kashi, the "Techno Dome 9" CD, and the NY Times best seller "So You Didn't Get Into Boston College..."

The Beginning of another school year and the arrival of thousands of new students places a lot of pressure on the University's police force, especially at poor colleges who have to rely on untrained security staff rather than trained law enforcement officers. When introducing alcohol to first year college students, trouble usually ensues as many are experiencing cheap beer for the first time. Again, the lack of a taste for a fine glass of 1787 Chateau Margaux can make first-time drinking an adventure. In places like U.Mass-Lowell, where years of drinking rubbing alcohol has created an iron-fist tolerance, criminal problems are less alcohol-related and more to do with drugs and prostitution. Regardless of the reason, new students at substandard schools will likely experience crime for the first time not long after their arrival on campus.

At Merrimack College, the beginning of the fall semester represents an opportunity for ex-convicts to attend college and earn a worthless degree. Those ex-cons convicted of violent crimes can earn community service time by agreeing to play for the Warriors' hockey program.

Despite the anxiety of attending college, spending four years at the proper institution can be the best time in the life of a future collar-up. When your superiors said goodbye to our Prep School chums and embarked on our era at Boston College, we knew it was necessary for our intellectual and social enrichment. For the elite who will be attending America's Best College in Chestnut Hill, your superiors wish you well. For the rest of you, take a few moments as you stroll towards your first mediocre class and ask yourself what went wrong.

To the incoming class at Boston University, consider your time there as an extension of high school, albeit a high school in Beirut or Baghdad. To those academic mongoloids who are forced to attend a state school, your superiors only hope that you don't ingest too much bong-water or Vicks Formula 44D for a quick buzz that could potentially impair your eventual career as a toll-taker or travelling carnival employee.

In Amherst, University of Massachusetts graduate students prepare campus bus stops for the beginning of the school year.

Collar Up.

- DW

Mailbag Friday, 8/19

2005-08-19T07:33:00.000-04:00

Another Friday is upon us as is another installment of Pinhead Nation's Mailbag Friday. Remember, if there's something on your torpid mind or if you need a superincumbent opinion to solve one of your menial dilemmas, you can drop your superiors a line at mailbag@pinheadnation.com . If you're fortuitous, we'll answer your inquiry and do our best to make you a better member of society, as unattainable as that may seem.

Q - Tim P. (Cape Cod, MA). Dear Pinheads, this is a problem so great, I've been suffering with it for many months now. My chauffeur, bartender, caddy, and chef couldn't solve it. I was watching the Red Sox vs. Yankees on my plasma at my Cape house a few months ago when it hit me. I noticed that the Red Sox all have long and unkempt hair while few speak English and those who do are all from square-shaped red states that I can't locate on a map. These people have "public school" written all over them.

On the other side of the field was the Yankees, short hair, all-business, and acting like professionals. If that hick commissioner would let them wear collars on their uniforms, they'd be popped proudly. I also noticed that Red Sox fans hate the Yankees like Kenmore State students hate those from America's Best University.

Please don't question my collar-up credentials as my collar is popped so high it's visible from space. After my parents spent $12k per year on my Montessori School, I attended Cape Cod Academy, after which I received a BA from Boston College in philosophy. I don't know what to do, my world view has been shattered. Please advise.

A - Tim, thank you for your email as it is refreshing to receive correspondence from another member of the haut monde. Your dilemma is one I am quite familiar with. While the Red Sox are the team that our fathers took us to see from the company box, the Yankees do represent collar-up baseball in its purest form. Their winning tradition is unparalleled and, lets face it, no team has enjoyed more Perrier-Jouet after a championship victory than the Yankees.

There are a couple of things to keep in mind, Tim. The Boston Red Sox were created long ago to provide entertainment for the blue-bloods of Boston and named in their honor. Back in the early 1900's (prior to the invention of the true popped collar), the cognoscenti of Boston showed their superior social status by wearing red socks around town. To the early 20th century commoner, seeing a Boston Brahmin sporting red socks carried the same social weight as a contemporary, yet feculent, Northeastern graduate beaming with envy at a Boston College alumnus today.

Not only did the early Red Sox honor Boston's upper-crust, they did so while wearing collars on their uniforms.

So, as you can see, the Boston Red Sox are the only true collar-up ballclub from its inception. Although the Yankees have had more on-field successes and do not carry themselves in the rapscallion manner that today's Red Sox do, as you know, our own personal social peerage is defined by our lineage. The history of Boston baseball is one that honors our collar-up forefathers, the creme de la creme of Boston's elite and the predecessors of our town's collar-up philosophy.

Q - Anonymous (New York, NY). Guys, I'm new to your site and I do get a kick out of it. Here's the deal. I work with a guy at a company called "MMC" who is obsessed with you. He has no idea that I'm emailing you guys, but everytime I walk by his computer, he's on your blog (Apparently, it angers him greatly). I don't have a question for you but I just wanted to let you know that your site is effecting his productivity. See ya later.

A - Thank you for your concern and we appreciate hearing about Pinhead Nation's impact on the financial services industry. Your superiors find that simpletons with horrible minimal wage-earning jobs tend to strike out against those who succeeded in life. Despite several offers to make a dunderhead's life better by sharing our philosophy of elitism, it's rare that those who drown their sorrows in Old Milwaukee take advantage of the opportunity.

Although accomplished and all-knowing, Pinhead Nation has been known to anger the feebleminded at the workplace.

Well, that's going to do it for another edition of Pinhead Nation's mailbag. We welcome your questions and may post them on next week's edition. Your superiors advise you to take advantage of this rare opportunity to improve your standing. With a lot of work and some luck, you could go from washing lettuce or pouring coffee to actually owning your own tuxedo someday. The choice is yours.

Collar Up.

- DW

Disturbing Trends in Hockey East - Summer 2005

2005-08-14T06:24:00.000-04:00

While your superiors enjoy the solitude and whistful santuary of our annual summer jaunt to the Greek Isles, it's quite therapeutic to return and catch up on current events on the homefront. At times, living the life of privilege while you reprobates wallow away in your jobs that involve the phrase "thank you, drive up", before going home and climbing into bed with a pugnacious wife can lead to moments of guilt from the people you wish you were.

Nonetheless, upon our arrival back at stately Pinhead Manor, I dispatched one of our minimum wage earning proles to fetch the last few weeks' worth of periodicals for our perusal on his way back from his night classes at U.Mass-Lowell. As we sat by the fire sipping our 1914 Pierre Ferrand Memoire Cognac, your superiors chortled at the news of the day.

Maine Man caught enjoying himself in New Hampshire Toilet

It’s always captivating to keep up with the social activities among the raffish in the "land that time forgot" once hockey season is over. Although NASCAR is always a popular flavor among the knuckledragging white trash in New Hampshire, it seems playing "Marco Polo" in a pool full of undigested corn giblets and other human waste is also a popular summertime pastime in the Granite State.

The Maine man claims his name is Andy Dufresne.

In late June, Gary Moody, (possibly under the alias of Larry Moores), a 45 year-old man from Maine on probation after his sixth drunk driving conviction (moonshine related), left the state of Maine without permission. He found his way to Albany, New Hampshire, where he found it boisterous to climb into the waste tank of a pit toilet on US Forest Service property and let people do their business all over him.

Nauseating? Yes. Unfortunately, in rural wastelands such as these, toiling in a septic paradise is commonplace. He was discovered after a 14 year-old girl heard a noise coming from the tank, looked down and saw a face looking up at her. Your superiors can only surmise what pick-up line Moody, covered in human waste, used to woo the underage heroine.

He also requested to be called Mr. Hanky and greeted police with a loud “Howdy HO!”

The Hallowed Halls and Hollow Heads of Cushing Academy

Speaking of Maine and New Hampshire, how could we not comment on the pathetic situation that developed over the summer involving yet another Cushing Academy hockey alum? This coming just months after another Cushing hockey alum, BU dunderhead Chris Bourque, left BU because his coloring-within-the-lines assignment at Kenmore State's College of Basic Studies was subpar.

This situation involves Keith Yandle, an allegedly talented recruit (read: bust)that chose to follow his brother Brian (a big fan of Pinhead Nation as evidenced by his attempted assault with a deadly weapon at the Whitt a few years ago) to waste 4 years at the University of New Hampshire. Yandle, upon his arrival in Titletown, USA, would quickly learn about UNH's annual hockey failures coinciding with the vernal equinox as well as inevitable future losses to Boston College in the postseason. But this is where the plot thickens. UNH, a school with absolutely no academic integrity whatsoever, did the unthinkable: They told Yandle he lacked the intellectual fortitude to attend the University of New Hampshire and pulled their scholarship offer right off the table. Again, your superiors are at a loss to imagine what one has to do to fail to earn admission to the University of New Hampshire.

So Yandle, finding himself without a collegiate home, did the one thing that came naturally: He traded in a career of NCAA tournament embarrassments for a career of NCAA violations and decided to attend the University of Maine. As dumbfounded as most of us were, in hindsight, this really shouldn’t surprise anyone. The University of Maine is a school that is putting up a building to honor the most dishonorable and corrupt coach in college hockey history. U. Maine is the institution of "higher learning" that took a transfer like Brendan Walsh, a player kicked out of BU because of his affinity for Natty Light (in his defense, we surmise it goes well with the Indian food on the BU campus).

A completely irrelevant picture of Keith Johnson. Still, we wonder how he’s behaving this summer now that “jennajennajenna2004“ who, like his play on the ice, is almost legal.

BC coach accuses BU of gender discrimination

Here’s another interesting story this summer that is just begging to be addressed by Pinhead Nation. Back in late May and early July, a story broke concerning a former Merrimack player named Michael Cox. Cox, a women’s ice hockey coach at Boston College, applied for a similar position at Boston University. Your superiors surmise that Cox must have a soft spot in his heart for corpulent Middle-Eastern beauties who enjoy long walks on the beach and eating at the Y.

Regardless, this position would have been under new head coach of the BU women’s program and former BU men's assistant coach Brian Durocher. Upon hearing the news that Durocher had hired two females for the assistant positions, Cox accused Durocher of discriminating against him because he was a male, contending that he was far more qualified for the job than the coaches hired.

Durocher’s move to the women’s team works out well because he’s used to coaching BU players that play like girls.

After an exhaustive fact finding mission, the one stunning fact uncovered by Pinhead Nation was that Cox, a Merrimack grad, was actually gainfully employed in a job that didn't involve the sale of narcotics. Your superiors can only assume that Boston College offered Cox a job because of some sort of outreach program or due to the fact that someone lost a bet. If not for Cox' hockey background, we assume that his choice of employment would likely be at a Burger King, Wendy's, or some other 'culinary crackhouse'.

Overall, it's unlikely Cox will be able to prove his discrimination case against BU as apparently, they didn't want Cox in the position. The whole situation is ironic since most men at BU love Cox.

Speaking of Burger King…

Keith Foulke’s comments anger BU grads everywhere.

This story put a target on the back of Keith Foulke the minute it came out of his mouth. Still, your superiors were amused with his comments considering they are so similar to our own. Here’s what happened in case you were too busy working the overnight shift at the junkyard and missed it…

After pitching like garbage once again, the Fenway Faithful booed the closer off the field. In postgame comments, Foulke said this about being booed:

“I'm more embarrassed to walk into this locker room and look at the faces of my teammates than to walk out and see Johnny from Burger King booing me."

There’s a reason why Burger King starts with “BU”. This BU grad’s job will be in peril when Chris Bourque’s hockey career quickly follows his academic one.

In saying this, Foulke offended BU grads everywhere. Not only were the Burger King employees that graduated from BU offended, but it seems all of the BU grads working at fast food establishments were offended as well (ie - 95% of BU grads… the other 5% are fortunate and get coffee for BC grads with real jobs).

Shortly thereafter, Foulke was placed on the disabled list and hasn’t been seen around Fenway since. Personally, we think the FBI was involved, putting him in a protection program and relocated him for his safety. There’s no telling what an angry mob of BU students can do. Your superiors reminisce about the riots back in 1999 when local officials closed down Landsdowne Street clubs for a week while simultaneously prohibiting foreign languages from being spoken on “campus“? Like tryouts for cheerleaders back when BU had football, it was one ugly scene.

Quick hits:

- The Nation raises our flumes to hockey player Angelo Esposito, who snubbed both Boston University and UNH by choosing to play hockey in Canada rather spend four years playing in Boston College's wake. It's rare such intelligence is found in youth, but Esposito seems to have luminosity beyond his years.

- Keep an eye out in the coming weeks for Pinhead Nation’s first ever Preseason All-Milk Carton Team selections. Despite several other prognostications, your superiors will educate you on Hockey East's most overrated players destined to fail in 2005-2006.

Enjoy the rest of summer and do your best to keep your wretched families cool. If it’s any consolation to you BU grads working in the hot kitchens, Maine grads on the "dead beat dad" list or former UMass valedictorians currently pushing tin for the local trash pick-up service, it’s gets hot at the country club, too. Your superiors feel your pain.

Collar Up

-MAV

NCAA Gets It Right

2005-08-11T07:06:00.000-04:00

Summer simply goes by too fast. While your superiors spent the last six weeks sailing the Paraiso around the Island of Ithaki in the Ionian Sea, the people you wish you were couldn't help but feel badly that we hadn't had the chance to maintain the blog you can't live without during our extended vacation. Needless to say, summer is over and it's time to get back to business.

Upon my return to stately Pinhead Manor, I was immediately greeted by one my drones who informed me that the NCAA had finally acted to punish the several subpar universities who insult native American heritage with their mascots. Before long, racist monikers such as "Fighting Sioux", "Illini", "Braves", and "Seminoles" will, like the Boston University hockey program, become things of the past.

Although collar-ups can all agree this is hardly enough, the NCAA announced that schools with "hostile or abusive" mascots or nicknames will not be allowed on team uniforms worn in any NCAA tournament after February 1, 2006. Since NCAA Divison 1 football does not have a tournament, it's unlikely football programs such as Florida State, Illinois, or Utah (all with derogatory native American nicknames) will be affected.

One program that appears to be right in the cross-hairs of the NCAA scrutiny is the University of North Dakota. Although located in Southern Canada, UND and their "Fighting Sioux" mascot is, perhaps, the most offensive in America. Since they are scheduled to host a regional in the 2006 NCAA hockey tournament, UND will be forced to cover approximately 6,000 "Fighting Sioux" logos, which features an offensive image of a native American's profile.

North Dakota's "Fighting Sioux" logo will be reinstated at Englestad Arena when its hockey program gives a scholarship to a player born in the United States and is under the age of 25.

North Dakota's battle with the NCAA over their nickname and logo is hardly a new one. When former Fighting Sioux goaltender and admitted Nazi sympathizer Ralph Englestad underwrote the financing for their new arena, egomanically called "The Ralph Englestad Arena", he installed thousands of "Sioux logos" throughout the building as incentive for the school to not change its nickname. Although Englestad has gone to the "Great Reich In The Sky", it's delicious irony that while he now shares a cave with Hitler and Himmler in eternal damnation, his arena will be removed of its distasteful images.

North Dakota's original logo and nickname was deemed "not offensive enough" and was quickly scrapped by Englestad and the UND administration.

Mascots and nicknames are supposed to be fun and a point of pride among the university. Supporters of the native American nicknames will point to the "heritage" of the area and the dillusional point that nicknames such as "Seminoles" honor the original residents of the area. Many school's mascots and nicknames do recognize proper heritage without resorting to hate. Navy "Midshipmen", Florida "Gators", and Pittsburgh State "Gorillas" come to mind.

Boston University's "Terrier" mascot honors the physical attributes of BU coeds since the school's inception in 1867.

Pinhead Nation raises our flumes to the NCAA, who have taken the first major step into making their organization a collar-up society. Though many insignificant universities have changed their nicknames to reflect the times we live in, U.Mass-Lowell changing from "Chiefs" to "Riverhawks" comes to mind, your superiors hope that eventually legitimate universities in America will follow suit.

Some mascots, like UMass-Darmouth's "Angry Pirate" appear to promote homosexuality, but have yet to be deemed offensive. Your superiors aren't sure what a "Corsair" is, but it is clear you don't want to bend over in front of one.

Collar Up.

- DW

Stalker U.?

2005-06-28T07:38:00.000-04:00

When you're at an elite level in society and admired by thousands as your superiors are, there are times, sadly, when our admirers get too close. Like most celebrities, the people you wish you were have found ourselves, at times, being the target of low-class detritus who become insensed at the writings in our bi-weekly missives.

As important as this blog is to your feckless existence, Pinhead Nation provides a reason for the wretched to climb out of bed every morning, put on his paper-hat and report to his work station at the the drive-thru. Not surprising, most of our stalkers hail from the dirty end of Commonwealth Avenue at Boston University. While we enjoy the good life, sipping champagne and smoking quality cigars, on occasion we witness one these admirers hiding behind a bush wearing a sad look that only a Boston College rejection letter can create.

Many Boston University alums, like "Gord", have been known to hide in the shadows or stalk your superiors on-line long after their shift at Wendy's is over.

Though having clandestine and covetous "devotees" would be troubling to many of you great unwashed, having a higher intellect and worthier existence provides your superiors with the necessary disposition to chortle at the obsession possessed by our adherents. Like mucus on society's mustache, our friends at Boston University stand out and prove themselves to be a whimsical escape towards bufoonery.

Even middle-class rabble can find humor in the sad obsession owned by Boston University fans towards Pinhead Nation.

I was speaking to a dear collar-up chum of mine from my time on the Hill who happens to a professional in the field of psychiatric disorders. After a rather meritorious round of golf, we discussed their fascination with their betters and my doctor friend diagnosed the problem immediately.

It seems that due to feelings of inferiority created by a predilection to attend Boston College and their subsequent nonacceptance to the college due to neanderthalic intellect or social skills, a complex feeling of detestation persists that causes them to lash out at Boston College's cognoscenti. This sour feeling of rejection has overwhelmed their psyche and has left them with a bitter, yet at the same time, feebleminded view of those who were awarded admission to the school their covet.

Deep feelings of inadequacy force Pinhead Nation's stalkers to take rash actions to give themselves a release for their deep-rooted anger fueled by feelings of social worthlessness.

In the end, your superiors simply fill our flumes and chortle at their fascination while perusing BU's most recent graduation roster seeking the next generation of septic repairmen and animal control engineers. Perhaps someday these folks will step out of Pinhead Nation's shadow and begin to live a normal, albeit raffish, life.

- Collar Up.

DW

A gratuitous celebratory hockey photograph taken in this century.

Mailbag Friday, 6/24

2005-06-24T07:10:00.000-04:00

Good morning to our beloved sycophants and welcome to another installment of Pinhead Nation's Mailbag Friday. Due to the inferior quality of recent questions and comments to your superiors, the people you wish you were didn't want to waste anyone's time recently with subpar submissions for our mailbag, hence the layoff between Mailbag Fridays.

Fortunately, we did receive some quality emails this week and have decided to post another edition of the mailbag you base your life on. Without further adieu, here's this week's mailbag. Remember, if you have a question or comment, submit them to 'mailbag@pinheadnation.com' and we'll do our best to answer them.

Q - Emmanuel B.(Holyoke, MA). Pinheads, I really enjoy reading your stuff and loved your story making fun of poker. You have no idea how many idiots I know at school who live their lives just to play that stupid game. I go to school at UNH and wanted to know what you thought of Keith Yandle deciding to go to Maine instead. Thanks.

A - Hi Emmanuel. As your superiors understand it, Yandle, like former Cushing Academy teammate and BU flunky Chris Bourque, was too academically imbecilic to pass the swinging door Admissions Department at UNH. Considering Yandle was a top hockey recruit and wanted to attend a school with such minimal academic integrity as the Univ. of New Hampshire, your superiors can only surmise that Yandle's brain has similar cerebral capacity as the average Simian at a local zoo. Reportedly, a party was held at UNH's Admissions Department shortly after Yandle's denial as for the first time in school history, an application for admission to the University of New Hampshire was actually turned down.

Cushing senior Keith Yandle will bring his strong defensive game to Maine and not UNH as originally planned.

Q - Josh M. (Jessup, MD). I know Pinhead Nation are proud members of Red Sox Nation so I wanted to know what you thought of the Yankees losing three of four at home to Tampa??? Yankees Suck!

A - Josh, yes, your superiors are certainly proud Red Sox fans and are delighted with the lugubrious plight of the New York Yankees. At first glance, it would seem that the Yankees had wasted $205mm on over-the-hill detritus that have more need for Ben Gay than Ben Sheets. Sources close to Pinhead Nation tell a different tale as the reason for New York's demise isn't age, but deep sexual tension in the clubhouse. Since the arrival of the purse-swinging Alex Rodriguez, several Yankees have secretly "come out of the closet" and have turned what was a close clubhouse into a "very close" bathhouse. It appears that Bravo's "Fab Five" chose the wrong team to makeover recently and their frustration is finally showing.

"High Fives" and "High Hard Ones" have different definitions in the New York Yankees clubhouse nowadays.

Q - Brett H. (Framingham, MA). Hi guys, I know I can't be "collar Up" because I'm going to attend Northeastern University this fall. How do you think NU's hockey team will do this year without Bruce Crowder at head coach? Can they make the NCAA's?

A- Brett, sorry to hear you have to attend Northeastern. Spending the next four or five years at NU is going to be the saddest and darkest days of your young life. You'd probably get more intellectual stimulation from robbing a liquor store and spending the next five years in prison, but I digress. Regarding NU hockey, I'm delighted to see Crowder has finally been fired. Crowder now joins the countless displaced UNH grads on unemployment compensation after nine abyssmal years behind the Husky bench. Looking to the future, your superiors expect more of the same from NU: horrible on-ice play, plenty of empty seats at Matthews Arena, and several violent street riots on Huntington Avenue. Your superiors wish you the best of luck ducking street cars and avoiding bullets while working on your worthless degree at Northeastern University.

Aside from hiring Greg Cronin as their new hockey coach, Northeastern has also hired a new mascot to fire up the 'Dogpound' at Matthews Arena starting this fall.

Q - Tim L. (Chestnut Hill, MA). Guys, I've got a big time dilemma. I'm a BC student fine-tuning my collar-up skills in Chestnut Hill but this weekend I have to attend a wedding in New Hampshire. The groom is a long time friend who graduated from Plymouth State and now lives up in what you guys call "Hillbilly Land". I have to go but I'm afraid my collar-up status will be tarnished with every passing minute I am up there. Help me, I have no one else to turn to who can understand!

A - Tim, calm down, we'll all get through this together. As we understand it, you have no choice but to attend, so rest easy. Look at this as a rare opportunity to get a glimpse into the life of the neanderthal. Be advised, though, that your social class will be temporarily debased and avoid unecessary contact with New Hampshire residents at all possible. If in conversation with a NH resident the phrases "NASCAR", "Cheap Fireworks", "Incest", or "Double Wides" come up, abort your conversation immediately and proceed to bar for a shot of Johnnie Walker Blue. If the "bar" consists of nothing but a large trash can full of alcohol, leave the wedding at once and return to Chestnut Hill for immediate delousing.

Like Jane Goodall's zoological study of gorillas in Africa, a collar-up's trip to a New Hampshire wedding can be a very interesting sociological glimpse into the life of the "White Trash American".

Well, that's going to do it for another installment of Pinhead Nation's Mailbag Friday. Your superiors will be enjoying another weekend of sailing and living the good life. For many of you who are forced to work in one of America's several fast food establishments, have a good work weekend and stay safe. The hot weather can make working over a fryolater extremely dangerous.

Collar Up.

- DW

Hillbilly Haven Turns 142

2005-06-21T07:51:00.000-04:00

Greetings from your superiors on a very busy day in Pinhead Nation. Normally, the people you wish you were would apologize for such a long time between missives, but frankly, we were too busy to deal with the detritus who come to this site for personal and spiritual refinement.

As you may know, this week marks a very special day in our nation's history. One hundred forty-two years ago, the United States of America managed to kick thousands of colonial white-trash out of collar-up Virginia and created a state for low-educated, incestuous cannibals and called it "West Virginia".

Since many of our readers are likewise uneducated, your superiors will delight you with a quick historical lesson. Back in the mid-1800s, wealthy landowners from Virginia complained that local drunken riff-raff was depredating their land and was generally unsightly. These curs, found mainly in the western part of Virginia, struggled to feed their families as they were endeavored with small farms and a picayune work ethic.

As any collar-up could imagine, the concept of breeding with such human offscourings repulsed the Virginia cognoscenti and, without any other options, forced the west Virginia residents into incestual knowledge for the continuation of their subhuman families.

Finally, on June 20, 1863, Virginia petitioned the United States government into forcing this decaying portion of the population into its own section of the land and give them their own state called "West Virginia". Tired of finding their animals violated and their furniture burned, Virginians were elated to rid themselves of this segment of the population and happily gave away the mountainous wasteland that was the western portion of their state.

When days turned into months and eventually years, the ideals of West Virginia have persevered over the last 142 years. Though the famous Hatfield and McCoy families of West Virginia have long disappeared, the anger and vitriol has persisted longer than a West Virginia University coed's venereal disease.

Over a century after its creation, collar-up Virginians still require its social slipshods to relocate to West Virginia.

Despite working hard to forget their feculent history, today's West Virginia is still a glaring example of the place where time and social graces forgot. While science and technology has advanced tremendously over the years, West Virginians still maintain the secret to a happy life is drinking homemade liquor made in a trash barrel, followed by a disease-be-damned night of sexual nirvana with a relative.

Drinking and Familial Fornification are social staples in West Virginia.

With the Civil War long ended, West Virginians have been resorted to WVU athletics as an outlet to release their generational pent up anger. Gone are lynchings and Klan related violence that are now socially unacceptable even in a place like West Virginia. Although burning crosses is no longer allowed in the Mountain State (damn Yankee liberals), the idea of burning and dancing around something will always be a part of WV's culture.

Couches have replaced crosses as the new traditional item to burn in West Virginia

Despite years of social evolution in America, West Virginians wear their rural hillbilly backwardness like a badge of honor. Their heads clouded by a haze induced by homemade alcohol and with the deep rooted feeling of inadequacy created by a century's worth of national neglect and ridicule, residents of the Mountain State hold on to the belief that the days of "Devil Anse" Hatfield will come again.

Collar Up.

- DW

The Search For a New BU President Is Over

2005-06-06T19:06:00.000-04:00

After spending a wonderful afternoon down at the club enjoying a day of yachting, golf, and a fine cuisine featuring a delicious Roasted Tenderloin of Beef au Poivre, a newflash came across the television.

It seems after a long and exhaustive search, the exiguous commonalty located at the raffish end of Commonwealth Avenue had chosen a new President. Although it took several months to find a replacement for Daniel Goldin, the former NASA Chief who abdicated the BU Presidency in shame, Boston University announced that Robert Brown has been selected as the latest bureaucrat empowered to continue the university's downward trend towards intellectual obscurity.

Brown, a former teacher, researcher, and boy band member, was chosen over millions of qualified recycleables who had the misfortune of being home to answer the phone when they called.

Former "New Edition" singer Robert Brown agreed to assume the Presidency at BU as part of his community service requirement following his arrest for failure to pay child support.

Though he has no experience in running a large multi-cultural safety-school such as Boston University, Mr. Brown (who goes by "Bobby") has won over the student body with his talented dance routines and his promise to legalize barbituates on campus. Of all his several initiatives, none has gained more acclaim than his avowal to re-energize BU's athletics department.

After posing for BU's "Boink Magazine", several coeds have signed up to play BU football after the sport was reinstated by President Brown.

Although some older BU alumni were upset by the naming of a pop icon as President, it should be noted that this wasn't the first time Boston University has looked to Hollywood for it's top spot. In 1971, the Board of Trustees named former actor John Silber as President after Silber's recurring role as the "One Armed Man" on TV's "The Fugitive" ran its course.

Former BU President John Silber, though lousy on the drums and without the ability to shuffle a deck of cards, led BU for 25 years

The Presidency of Robert Brown comes at a very important time for Boston U. Having been passed years ago in academics, athletics, and social class by Boston College, Brown's leadership will be paramount to ensure that BU manages to stay ahead of Florida A & M and the Possaic School of Poultry on US World and News Report's Second Tier Colleges in the US.

Fortunately for Brown, once he assumes the Presidency on September 1, 2005, he will have served longer than his predecessor Goldin, who quit the day before he was to take office. BU was forced to pay Goldin a $1.8 million severence package soon after the former NASA boss was forced to resign his new position following an ugly incident with Silber that allegedly began when Goldin chided Silber for his inability to play "peek-a-boo".

Goldin's failure at Boston University paled in comparison to his failures at NASA.

Pinhead Nation wishes President Robert Brown best of luck in his new role. We hope, for BU's sake, Brown continues Boston U's tradition of admitting academic missteps to comprise its hockey roster. Time will measure his successes or lack thereof.

Collar Up

- DW

Real World Boston U.?

2005-05-28T20:29:00.000-04:00

Our limosine had just passed through the gates of Stately Pinhead Manor when the cell phone rang. Your superiors were returning from a meritorious evening of Beluga Almas caviar and imported Bordeaux at the annual Larrison family cotillion, when a single phone call ensured the people you wish you were would be awake deep into the evening.

On the other end of the Motorola was one of our drones working at MTV in New York City. Your superiors have invested heavily in MTV over the years and when our subaltern informed us that the music network was preparing a reality TV show about the school at the filthy end of Commonwealth Avenue, we were left agog. MTV, under their collegiate network, MTVu, announced that several BU students would be represented in a 24 hour, behind the scenes look at their school.

The pith of the program will be devoted to capturing the lives, the loves, and the Swahili to English dreams of Boston University undergraduates as they work laboriously towards a worthless piece of parchment and future employment at an Aldo shoe store.

When auditions were announced for BU's new reality TV show, the crowds were so voluminous and multitudinous, four of Landsdowne's Street's most popular clubs filed for Bankruptcy.

Like most reality television programs, the hook was finding controversial storylines and images that would allow the dunderheaded viewer to look beyond the broken english and become loyal viewers. BU's Reality TV show promises a shocking and sensual look into the sordid lives of those who find bathing once a week in olive oil an erotic reminder of their homeland.

BU Reality TV's cameramen work covertly to uncover every Beanpot dream, bender, and bukkake there is to be found on the Boston U. campus

While BU's Reality TV show promises to give the school unprecedented exposure, Boston University's Board of Governors were predictably lukewarm to the concept. Fearing another view into BU's avaricious side similar to the infamous Boink Magazine, BU's President and his trusted counsel called an emergency assemblage at the school's administrative offices in New Delhi to discuss the show's ramifications. Fortunately for MTV, the university's pilotage allowed the show to be produced once they realized the potential financial rewards that would be reaped.

Though BU's hierarchy initially balked at the idea, they realized the only Sacred Cow they really believed in was cold, hard cash

Like most of America and out of a morbid curiosity, the collar-up community will undoubtedly be tuned in to BU Reality TV. As disconcerted as your superiors were to find out about such a television concept, it may prove to be a unique view into the penurious lives of those yearn to attend Boston College, but choose to debauch themselves on national television instead.

Collar Up.

- DW

Mailbag Friday, 5/27

2005-05-27T06:25:00.000-04:00

Good day to our rapscallion readers and welcome to another edition of Pinhead Nation's Mailbag Friday. Unless you are a Boston University alum and need to be reminded regularly, your superiors take time out of our pecunious lives to address your comments or answer your questions sent to us at 'mailbag@pinheadnation.com'.

As you can imagine, the people you wish you were are a bit crestfallen these days. If you are fortunate enough to reside in the northeast, you have been witness to an endless rainstorm that has gripped the region stronger than a UMass-Lowell student's heroin addiction. If you are a collar-up like ourselves, the rain means the country club is closed and the Aicon 64 has remained on dry dock, so please forgive us if there appears to be recalcitrance in our voice as we answer this week's mailbag.

Q -Rex (Brookline, MA). I am in in the midst of a collar-up conundrum. While my initial collar-up status was cemented by attending Boston College, I fear my collar-up status may be in jeopardy. You see, I have spent the past school year pursuing an MBA at Kenmore State University. While I initially attempted to justify my presence among the collar-downs on the wrong side of Commonwealth Avenue in much the same way as Jane Goodall justified her presence among the apes, I am growing concerned about how my time here will affect me in the future. I turn to my superiors for advice and your quick response is appreciated, before I find myself reading Boink Magazine and dancing to bad techno on Landsdowne Street.

A - Good day, Rex. As always, it is a pleasure to converse with a fellow collar-up intellectual. Your superiors understand your concern and you have come to the right place for guidance. According to your message, you have chosen to receive an MBA from Baghdad University, but share alumni status with the people you wish you were. The plumber we employ at Stately Pinhead Manor also received an MBA from BU. Some time ago, he was unclogging a toilet caused by a coed who had eaten too much kashi and, in lieu of payment, the school gave him an MBA degree for his work. Although you have correctly surmised that such a degree from BU is similar in worth to the detritus my plumber freed from the U-Bowl that day, you will enrich the lives of your fellow students with your collar-up status. Remember, it is how you deal with plebeians that fine tune your elitism.

MBA students at BU may be doltish and struggle with the english language, but many can see their social standing uplifted through contact with a collar-up.

Q - Sarah P. (Sayreville, NJ)- Hi Pinheads. I know this is short notice but would any of you guys want to go to my prom with me? I dumped my boyfriend because he was a jerk and wanted to go with someone who has real class. The prom is June 24th down in New Jersey. If you could make it, I'd be honored. Thanks and I love you guys.

A - Sarah, we appreciate the invite, but unfortunately, your superiors are unable to attend. Although we must turn down your offer, we offer you tremendous credence for wanting to attend your prom with someone of impeccible and categorical social standing. Understanding the unlikelihood of finding someone in New Jersey as a reasonable replacement, we wish you the best of luck in trying.

Contrary to rumor, a tuxedo itself cannot transform an uneducated ruffian into a collar-up haut monde.

Q - Justin (Durham, NH) - Whats up guys. I wanted to say how much I like your blog and wish you guys were back on USCHO. I don't agree with anything you said there, but you were entertaining. Any idea when Pinhead Nation will be making their grand return to educate the rest of USCHO posters on being collar up?

A - Justin, sadly, your superiors have likely made their final post to USCHO. Unfortunately for you and the rest of that message board community, the mental defective administrators have ensured that Pinhead Nation will never return to their site. Several of our drones still post on our behalf, but it seems that the 300 lbs. dateless halfwits who are running that site fear the presence of those who are obviously smarter than them. Tragically, USCHO will no longer have a collar-up society to enlighten and educate the college hockey masses because of blind prejudice towards Boston College and fear of risking their readers to high social culture.

Well, that's going to do it for another edition of Pinhead Nation's mailbag. With any luck, the rain will finally stop and your superiors can spend the holiday weekend at the club. Although the rain is good for our lawns, it also means that thousands of UMass graduates, employed as landscapers and highway road repair technicians, are out of work. For their sake and the sake of their miserable families, we hope the sun shines soon.

Collar Up.

- DW

A Worthless Degree is the Mother of Unemployment

2005-05-22T20:54:00.000-04:00

Greetings, inferiors. We realize it's been a little while since our last missive, but important business overseas arose that prevented the people you wish you were from our biweekly chats.

While returning over the pond in our Gulfstream V, I happened upon an invitation to the commencement of T. Fidler Rothchild's eldest son, Preston who was receiving his sheepskin from Boston College later this week. Preston is a delightful chap who had developed quite a taste for Davidoff Millennium Churchill cigars while polishing his burgeoning collar-up skills at school. Failure to attend Preston's commencement and the brannigan following the ceremony would be the social faux pas equivilent of wearing a sweatshirt to our polo club.

As our jet approached our home shore, it dawned upon your superiors that, although intellectually and socially superincumbent than most, there are those who lack the aristocratic wherewithall to receive a degree from a world-class institution as Boston College. Fortunately, there are subjacent universities that are happy to cater to the socially underdeveloped and financially destitute so even the feebleminded stupes of the world can experience a commencement ceremony.

For uncultured students at schools such as Boston University, Northeastern, or any of the four-year state run glorified high schools in the area, a diploma from one of these boorish institutions is hardly preparation for a financially rewarding career. Awaiting these louts following commencement is a life's worth of digging swimming pools, making change at interstate tollbooths, or endless hours of making outbound telemarketing phone calls.

"Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, four years in Lowell does not upset us.."

At Boston University, Afghan President Hamid Karzai addressed graduates this weekend and promised BU's newest alumni that with the crackdown on terrorism and the country's strive towards democracy, that it is safe for them to return home and help rebuild their homeland. Karzai concluded his remarks by disclosing his secret ingredients for his family recipe for Qabeli Palau and Afghan Kadu Bouranee, followed by a night of dancing on Landsdowne Street.

Karzai's address pleaded with BU's graduates to return home to Afghanistan where endless taxi driving jobs await them.

Across town at Northeastern, where due to genetic mutations, NU administators give students five years to complete their four year degree, Vice Admiral and US Surgeon General Richard Carmona gave the key note address at NU's graduation ceremony. Carmona, used to instructing the nation on its health and well-being, undoubtedly was invited to Northeastern to warn graduates of the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse.

NU's valedictorian reacts to the news that he no longer will be forced to watch his school in the Beanpot.

For the most part, your superiors understand that graduation day represents the end of a long road and at the same the time the beginning of another. It is for this reason that we stress the importance of not settling for a raffish, unacceptable college and earning a degree synonymous with McDonald's Gift Certificates.

Your superiors at Pinhead Nation congratulate all of this year's graduates and for those fortunate upper crusts in Chestnut Hill, flip your collars up and pop open some bubbly. For those at BU, NU, or the UMass's, drop us a resume, we are always looking for eager landscapers.

Collar Up.

- DW

Mailbag Friday, 5/13

2005-05-13T07:19:00.000-04:00

Good morning to all our raffish readers and welcome to another edition of Pinhead Nation's "Mailbag Friday". As you know, on Fridays we take a few minutes out of our productive day to delve into your aborted minds and answer some of your questions. If you have a burning question that you would like someone clearly better than you to answer, drop us an email at mailbag@pinheadnation.com. Because of volume, we can't always answer every email, but if you menial inquiry piques our interest, you may have your existence justified by receiving an answer from your superiors. Without further adieu, here is this week's mailbag.

Q - Bob H (location N/A). Hi guys, what do you think of (former Merrimack hockey coach) Chris Serino leaving the AD position of a divison II NCAA school (with an almost D-1 hockey team) to become the AD at Malden Catholic High School?

Having survived two of life's greatest challenges, cancer and coaching at Merrimack College, Chris Serino has finally received a break by landing a job at Malden Catholic High School.

A - Good morning, Bob. Nice to hear from a fellow collar-up intellectual, hope all is well. To answer your question, it makes sense to your superiors that Serino take that job, it's clearly a promotion. Remember, former Kenmore State "graduate" Keith Tkachuk is a Malden Catholic alum, and since most of his Merrimack players couldn't play at Boston College High School let alone Boston College, he finally gets a chance to coach quality athletes. Unfortunately for the rubes who are considering attending Malden Catholic, the cost to employ Serino means that annual tuition will be raised from $1,100 annually to just over $8500. I can't help wondering how a 20-something Canadian thug can raise those kind of funds to play for Chris Serino.

Q - Mike H (Danbury, CT). I read your article on "Grand Theft Auto: UConn" and was pretty amused by it. I live in Connecticut, but hate all things UConn as I am a URI graduate. Did you know that a 55 year old woman was hit by one of those UConn thugs firing that pellet gun?

A - Mike, we did notice that there was a sad victim in the UConn story, but felt that in the grand scheme of things, a windshield was worth more than the existence of a 55 year-old Connecticut resident. That windshield was probably made outside of Connecticut and didn't ask to be located in such a ramshackled state.

The value of a woman from Connecticut is far outweighed by the price of a quality windshield.

Q - Paul S (Bakersfield, CA). Hi Pinhead Nation. Who do you like in the NBA playoffs?

A - The NBA playoffs? Surely, you are kidding. If we wanted to watch a bunch of street thugs kill eachother for sport, we'd take the limo down to Northeastern University after Boston's next sports championship. Considering most of today's NBA are from overseas, attendance at an NBA game would be the equivilent of attendance a Boston University fraternity party. Take our advice, you can't maintain 'collar-up' status and consider yourself a hardcore NBA fan. Make you choice.

Well, that's going to do it for this week's mailbag. The warm weather appears to have finally arrived, so to my fellow collar-ups, finish getting your yachts sea-ready and stock up on the quality libations of your choice.

Collar Up.

- DW

Grand Theft Auto: UConn Football

2005-05-12T07:31:00.000-04:00

While sitting in the lounge at our country club this past weekend, the people you wish you were found ourselves invited to our dear friend T. Fidler Rothschild's son's 10th birthday celebration. Rothschild, normally a cad, had just finished boasting about his recent sailing trip with Italian sailing legend Luca Bassani on his new Aicon 64 when he asked us to attend his oldest son's birthday.

Normally, your superiors would rather drink a domestic beer than spend social time with a nouveau riche braggart such as Rothschild, but hearing of sailing tales with such a collar-up legend as Bassani left us with insatiable desire to hear more. Reluctantly, we chose to attend his son's birthday so to learn more of Rothschild's expedition with with great Luca Bassani.

Soon after agreeing to attend this festivity, your superiors suddenly realized a gift idea for Master Rothschild was becoming quite an enigma. Upon returning home to Stately Pinhead Manor, I summoned my landscaper, who was just returning from his Northeastern University class reunion, and asked him for gift ideas for a ten year-old future collar-up.

Hours later, he returned with a video game that he acceded that Master Rothschild would be quite convivial over and if all worked out, your collar-up heroes would find ourselves invited to the next sailing expedition with Rothschild and his Italian sailing friend. The video game was a disturbing piece of urban detritus called "Grand Theft Auto: UConn Football". I flipped the box over and started reading the description of this game:

"Two years ago, Donta Moore escaped from the pressures of life in Tampa, Florida...a city tearing itself apart with gang trouble, drugs and corruption. Where film stars and millionaires do their best to avoid the dealers and gangbangers. Looking to get away from the violence, Donta agreed to play football at the University of Connecticut where the pressures of beating an opponent would not exist.

Now, it's 2005 and Donta is stuck in Storrs, CT and his desire for gang-related crime has not been cooled. Two years of playing in a sub-par college football program who strive to sue opponents rather than beat them on the gridiron has left Donta with an empty feeling that only gangland violence can satisfy.

Donta Moore: "free" safety and "free" on bond

While walking the UConn campus, a couple of corrupt state legislators try to pin their failed Big East lawsuit on him and Donta is forced on a journey that would take him to the mean streets of Willimantic, CT.

Join Donta on a wild and dangerous ride through the ghettos of the Nutmeg State where he joins teammates Tyvon Branch, Daniel Davis, Daniel Lansanah, and Marvin Taylor in shooting out car windows while avoiding gangland boss "Big Bad Blumenthal" along the way.

Liberty City. Vice City, now UConn Football, a new chapter in the legendary series from Rockstar games. Grand Theft Auto: UConn Football is rated "AR" for "ACC Rejects""

According to GamePro Magazine, Grand Theft Auto: UConn Football will get your blood pumping, but in the end, will let you down and will eventually file suit against you.

Sitting in my den reading this video game description was enough to make me run to the medicine cabinet for some penicillin, but Master Rothschild, apparently, would enjoy it. Hopefully the joy on his face upon opening our gift will ensure a spot on the Aicon 64 for a future collar-up sailing expedition soon. The things your superiors will do to maintain collar-up status...

Collar Up.

- DW

*a flip of our collars to SteveJBr for his photoshop expertise.

$2,183,036 Down the Drain

2005-05-08T19:55:00.000-04:00

When your superiors heard of the settlement made between the Atlantic Coast Conference and the "Mount Rushmore of Collegiate Idiocy" (Rutgers, UConn, U. of Pittsburgh, and West Virginia University), we couldn't help chuckling at the financial losses incurred by the plaintiffs.

About two years ago, those four schools filed suit against the school you wish you went to, as well as the University of Miami claiming they had "conspired to weaken" the Big East football conference by defecting to the ACC. This past week, the lawsuit that stood as much a chance of success as a fat kid in a dodgeball tournament, was finally settled.

Although the ACC owed nothing to these Big East castoffs, they ultimately agreed to give $1 million dollars to each of the schools bringing suit. Upon the announcement of the settlement, tears of joy filled the dungheaps in all four plaintiff locales, but no more than in Morgantown, WV.

With the lawsuit won, WVU students let go of their inhibitions and partied like never before

As the dorms at WVU emptied into the streets in celebration of their "victory" over BC and Miami, the homemade Moonshine flowed like water and the local ho-downs went on well into the early hours. Days later after the anti-freeze hangovers had subsided and the latest father-daughter early pregnancy test detected another eleven-fingered, DNA-challenged addition to the family, the bill from the lawyers office arrived.

Following the announcement of WVU's $1mm settlement, students mobbed the campus in celebration

Despite "winning" their lawsuit, it was discovered that West Virginia University had spent a total of $2,183,036 on legal fees to achieve their victory. Though showing a net loss of just under $1.2 million dollars after the settlement, officials at WVU issued a mindnumbing victory proclamation nonetheless.

"We believe our position as a school justified the cost, especially given the importance of athletics at WVU", explained West Virginia U. official Becky Lofstead. Admittedly, your superiors don't know Ms. Lofstead, but considering she likely spent most of her formulative years in West Virginia receiving papsmears from her father via the handle of a screwdriver, her incomprehensibility is somewhat justfied.

Daddy's little girl (and wife) awoke to a large legal bill and, soon, another welfare child

The important news for collar-ups is now the countdown can officially begin targeting that wonderful date of July 1, 2005 when Boston College is officially welcomed into the ACC. More important, BC will bid adieu to the Big East Conference, their athletic home since 1979, for good in less than two months. Like the end of a 26-year bout with diarrhea, the ACC invite became the ultimate "run stopper" that spared BC from an eternity of athletic conference mismanagement.

The most sidesplitting aspect of this suit and the legal fee losses incurred, is the fact that since WVU is a state university, actual taxpayer dollars were lost in this frivilous lawsuit. Considering there is now a $1.2mm "debit" in the state's books, it doesn't take an intellectual's imagination such as mine to postulate about how the backward state will recoup its losses. Perhaps Becky Lofstead, WVU's information minister, has an answer for that one, too.

Collar Up.

- DW

A Flutopian Society

2005-05-04T06:56:00.000-04:00

I was sitting in the cabin of my private plane heading to Manhattan when I got the call from one of my drones back home. He informed me that Patriots coach Bill Belichick, the greatest coach in NFL history, had finally achieved true 'collar-up' status by signing the legendary Doug Flutie to a contract to play with New England.

Flutie, Boston College's outstanding Heisman Trophy winner in 1984, who is still one of the better quarterbacks in the NFL today at age 42, is the epitome of the 'collar-up' philosophy. A Boston College graduate who does nothing but win and wears his collar up while doing so. At just 5'9", Flutie threw for over 11,000 yards in college (the first to ever throw for 11k), and in the professional ranks (NFL and Canada), Flutie's 57,951 passing yards ranks just behind former Miami Dolphin big-game flop Dan Marino at 61,361.

Doug Flutie: Legendary Quarterback and American Hero

Predictably, when New England signed Flutie to back up Tom Brady (you'd better keep winning, Tom), opinions were mixed and split right down social class lines: Collar-ups applauded the move, while the social miscarriages, who resort to scratching lottery tickets or poker winnings to support their repulsive familes, panned the signing.

BC's "Miracle in Miami" victory is still considered the greatest college football game of all time (if you exclude Boston U's 1982 battle against Bauder Fashion College)

Up here in New England where life is better than where you live, even fans who troll in the lower middle-class realize the magic that Doug Flutie possesses. One group who clearly despises the signing, not surprisingly, is the Boston College reject society that resides at the raffish end of Commonwealth Avenue.

Most BU students/alums, even the few who actually speak english, tend to be fans of the New England Patriots. Whether its because they are the only football team they know or because their failed lives force them to gravitate to a winner for the purpose of justifying their existence, they support the football dynasty in Foxboro. By signing Flutie, the symbol incarnate of everything that reminds them that they 'played the game of life and lost', is a spear to their hearts. For the BU community, this is the kind of thing that makes the scarlet and white-trash dance extra hard on Landsdowne Street or, perhaps, gives them thoughts to returning home and tending to their camels.

Upon hearing that Flutie signed with the Patriots, thousands of BU students took to the streets on the Boston University campus to protest.

For the collar-up, Flutie playing with New England is a dream come true, a classic winner joins the classic winner. For those who wake every morning remembering the pain of their BC rejection letter, this is like finding out your new girlfriend has a penis (probably bigger than yours) or that at spring commencement, your degree will be handed out inside a "Happy Meal" box.

There is a segment of the population that dislikes Flutie because he represents their own individual athletic failure. There's an old saying that "those who do, play, those who don't, coach, and those who can't, play poker". For the latter group who has spent much of their post-high school life blaming their diminutive size for holding back their athletic future, Flutie is a slap in their faces. A NFL quarterback with more than 50,000 passing yards who looks like a mailman is proof that they, in fact, lacked the athletic ability required to succeed and the feeling that they were robbed because of their size had nothing to do with it.

Not Flutie related, just a random shot at our poker playing friends showing that even gargantuan and unathletic women play cards, too

Considering the success that Flutie brings wherever he goes, the people you wish you were have no doubt that he will make a name for himself this fall in Foxboro. Though Brady is the best quarterback in football, albeit from a worthless institution in Michigan, your superiors conceit that Flutie will be resorted to Brady's understudy.

Flutie was our obvious choice for the cover of the first edition of "Pinheads: The Magazine"

The former Saturday Night Live host had better stay healthy and stay effective, though, if he wishes to continue his legacy in New England. The way Flutie's gilded life has gone, it would be fitting if the football gods allowed the collar-up quarterback to lead the Patriots to a third straight Super Bowl victory before heading off into the collar-up sunset.

Collar Up.

- DW

Mailbag Friday, 4/29

2005-04-29T07:27:00.000-04:00

Happy Friday everyone and welcome to another installment of Pinhead Nation's "Mailbag Friday". Friday is the day when you troglodytes finish your work week, put your paper-hats and ditch-digging shovels away, and crack open a cold Natural Light. As you know by now, every Friday, your superiors respond to the facile questions or comments that are taking up space in your ephemeral minds. If you would like a superior group of people to answer your concerns, please drop us a note at 'mailbag@pinheadnation.com'. If you're fortunate, we will respond to your meager inquiry.

Without further adieu, let's see what is inside this week's mailbag.

Q - Scott M (Exeter, NH). Guys, I just noticed that ebay has a U.Maine "Keith Johnson" game-worn jersey for bid. First, do you know if his 13-year old girlfriend is sold separately or does she come with the jersey? Second, how much do you think this will go for? It's a shame to see someone lose their shanty in Maine to buy the jersey of an alleged pedophile. Lastly, I think you guys should buy it, sew a collar onto this sucker and wear it collar up at the next Maine vs. BC game. Great site and thanks in advance for answering my question.

A - Scott, Thanks for alerting us to this jersey going up for sale. I'm sure whomever wins this jersey will immediately be placed on the sex-offender registry. I hardly think that his "girlfriend" is included with this purchase. As I understand it, women up in Maine can be purchased with cattle or "magic beans", so I can't imagine someone actually spending money to get her. Regarding the final cost, I'm sure some inbred Maine resident will trade in his tractor to secure such a piece of UMaine hockey history.

Maine forward Keith Johnson will gladly give anyone under the age of 16 the shirt off his back

Q - Justin B (Denver, CO). Hey Pinhead Nation! After capturing our seventh NCAA hockey championship (just a couple of months after capturing our 18th national skiing championship), the Pio Nation is heading up to Aspen to celebrate our ice and snow superiority. Although we are too modest to call ourselves "collar up", we invite you to our chalet to assist us in popping the tops of our fresh new "bubbly".

A- Justin, first of all, congratulations on Denver U's championship, it was certainly earned and your superiors gladly flip our collars up in their honor. Thanks for the invite to your chalet in Aspen, as it turns out, your superiors own a suite at the Hotel Jerome on East Main Street and will be gracing Aspen with our presence this fall. Perhaps we can arrange a belated celebration when we arrive and toast our flumes to the current 'maroon and gold millennium'.

The Pinhead Nation Suite at the Hotel Jerome in Aspen, CO is a place where your superiors can let our collars down while maintaining elite collar-up status

Q - Paul M. (Worthington, OH). Hi guys, first I miss you guys on USCHO and I hope they will allow you back. Speaking of USCHO, I have a hypothetical question for you. If you were trapped in a car, would you rather be trapped with comedienne Paula Poundstone or USCHO board admin Paula W.? I know it's a horrible choice, but I was curious what a "superior being" would choose.

A - Paul, are you a sadist? Anyhow, regarding your "hypothetical question", if suicide was not an option, I guess it would depend on my current age. Since Paula Poundstone was recently accused of sexually assaulting a 14 year-old child, I would probably choose Paula W. if I were still in my young and formulative years. Being digitally manipulated by a middle-aged comedienne is hardly on my "to do" list. On the other hand, if I was a child and trapped in a car with Paula W., there's a pretty good chance she would swallow me whole (after suspending me for no reason). Tough one, Paul. I guess I would choose Poundstone. Being eaten alive is a fate I wouldn't wish on even the lowest collar-down wretch.

Being trapped in a car with Paula W. is considered 'cruel and unusual punishment' in 49 of the 50 U.S. States (West Virginia).

Well, that's going to do it for another weekly installment of Pinhead Nation's "Mailbag". The people you wish you were thank the social derelicts who sent us questions this week and invite you to drop us a line. Who knows, we may actually answer your inquiry and give you something to live for.

Collar Up.

- DW

Poker, the Official Game of the Socially Retarded Male

2005-04-27T07:17:00.000-04:00

As I sat in my residence sipping a surprisingly piquant glass of brandy from Yountville in the Napa Valley, I was curious to see what I could find on the television. After ordering one of my drones to flip the channels on the remote control until finding a program to my liking, I quickly became aware that our society is close to its all-time nadir. Of all the incomprehensible idiocy being broadcasted today, nothing comes close to the bedrock of white trash that is televised poker.

Your superior's position on poker, and other card games, is clear: Poker is a game played by corpulent shut-in males completely devoid of athletic ability, who feel that winning a card game somehow justifies their cadaverous lives. In the world of a collar-down washout, the thrill of defeating a fellow decaying sloth in poker, who has likely consumed between 8-12 "Miller High-Life's", somehow catapults himself to the highest level of competitive success.

Dateless and unemployed friends can always count on Poker for a night of socially retarded enjoyment

The greatest misconception among those who spend their weekends sitting around a card table smoking "White Owl's" is one can "become an expert" at poker. For those who want to challenge the people you wish you were on this concept, understand the basic concept of cards, and gambling in general, is based on nothing but pure luck. Sure, you can "bluff" and through countless years of absorbing the incalculable bark of an elephantine wife, you can develop a comatose "poker face". Unfortunately for those seeking to master the art of Poker-Nirvana, the game is 1% skill and 99% luck.

Now, realizing that poker is a game built for the current or future "dead beat dad", your superiors are at a complete loss to understand the concept of watching poker on television. As my subordinate flipped the channels on my HD, I was astounded to see several programs displaying countless raffish louts trying to "outsmart" eachother at the poker table. To be honest, I'm not sure if I was more surprised that some of these likely fugitives would risk being spotted on TV by the FBI or by the fact that there are people in America who were actually watching this detritus.

Poker players may not know how to flush a toilet, but certainly know this kind of "flush"

Although your superiors scoff at those who play poker, we understand that, in many cases, the "Queen of Hearts" is the closest many of these offscourings of society will get to actually touching a "female" weighing less than a Volkswagen. Poker is a game that brings rabble together where they can freely discuss and compare alimony payments, as well as play the "who has gone the longest without seeing their children" game.

That being said, we surmise that one must be below the lowest rung of society's ladder to actually sit in front of a television and watch others play poker. Playing poker with a handful of your "lowest common denominator" friends is one thing, but how lonely of a castaway must one be to actually sit alone in front of the tube and watch other lumpy also-rans play?

It's clear to your superiors that the intellectual capacity of our society is approaching an all-time low. With the emergence of nationally televised NASCAR and live ESPN telecasts of poker, the disparity between collar-ups and collar-downs has never been so great. Our white collar society has evolved into a white-trash one. Perhaps there will be a day when polo and sailing, once again, dominate the competitive minds of the casual citizen. Until then, there will be two sets of society: Those who aspire to be Boston Brahmin, and those who aspire to win at Texas Hold 'Em.

Collar Up.

- DW

Mailbag Friday, 4/22

2005-04-21T21:57:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe it, but we've reached the end of another week and a new installment of Mailbag Friday. Your superiors hope your work week was free of fryolater burns and hope you can enjoy your meager weekend, likely one chock full of hunting for empty cans and avoiding creditor calls.

The people you wish you were apologize for not having a mailbag Friday last week, but due to several "collar-up" social functions, we were unable to answer your menial inquiries. Remember, each week, Pinhead Nation will do our best to answer your feeble-minded questions or read your opaque comments sent to our email at mailbag@pinheadnation.com. Let's open this week's mailbag and see what's on your imbecilic minds.

Q - Matt (East Lansing, MI). Being the catholic educated intellectuals you people are, what is your opinion of the new Pope Benedict XVI?

A - Matt, Thanks for your response. First, it must be hard going to a school that is so academically and athletically inferior to your rivals in Ann Arbor, but I digress. Now, the 'Nation welcomes the new Pope to the Vatican and wish him well. While I was happy to see the new Pope, upon seeing him I was stunned to realize the true power of "Lucas Films". With the new Star Wars movie coming out (sure to delight dorks throughout the world), I couldn't help wondering how much it cost George Lucas to convince the Vatican to elect Emperor Palpatine as its new Pope. Clearly, this is a stroke of marketing genius that even Pinhead Nation respects.

Pope Benedict XVI has promised to maintain the Vatican's strict conservative values, as well as rid the world of all Jedi Knights.

Q - Cindy (Boston, MA) - Hey guys, hope you enjoyed Frozen Four. Did you happen to see that story about the Virgin Mary apparation in Chicago? Isn't that spooky?

A - Hi Cindy, we did see the story on the news about the "Virgin Mary" sighting under that highway overpass in Chicago. Pinhead Nation doesn't have an official opinion of what that image actually is. Considering how slow-witted most of society is these days, though, it's no surprise to us that people are stopping traffic to see a waterstain under an overpass in one of the ugliest cities in America.

The mysterious Virgin Mary apparition in Chicago, like the enigmatic Johnny Damon apparition in New York, is causing worldwide attention.

Q - Paul (Ponca City, OK) - I know Pinhead Nation "sees" more than the rest of us, but don't you find it odd that just hours after you wrote that blog trashing Cubs SS Nomar Garciaparra, he suffers a potential season ending injury?

A - Paul, I'm not sure what you are insinuating, but considering Garcia-pop-up is made of glass nowadays, it didn't take an intellect as superior as Pinhead Nation to see he was likely to suffer another injury. Luckily, Nomar has an able bodied husband at home who can help ice him down in between soccer games. Your superiors wish Nomar well and hope it doesn't hurt him too much when he has to insert his tampon.

Damn these nasty yeast infections!

Well, that's going to do it for another installment of Pinhead Nation's mailbag Friday. Remember, if you have a question or comment that you would like a person clearly better than you to answer, drop us a line. If you're lucky, we may just answer your question and make your day.

Collar Up.

- DW

Thanks, Beautiful.

2005-04-20T07:08:00.000-04:00

Each morning before beginning another lucrative day, your superiors peruse the sports pages throughout the land to see how folks in cities that don't win championships are getting by. While reading the Chicago Tribune this morning, I chuckled upon reading about the struggles of former Red Sox trainwreck and current Cub Nomar Garciaparra.

Nomar, the former Orleans Cardinal and Georgia Tech Yellowjacket, is hitting .163 this morning after another outstanding 0-5 effort last night in Pittsburgh. Though Garciaparra is hitting cleanup for Chicago, he finds himself this morning tied with myself in homeruns with zero and has knocked in just 4 RBI. E6-aparra's power numbers are about as lively as Mickey Mantle's liver these days as his slugging percentage is a laughable .184.

Nomar's Miserable Disposition Was a Welcome Subtraction to the 2004 Red Sox Clubhouse.

It seems like just yesterday the Red Sox had to deal with this human raincloud and his testiculette wife Mia Hamm. Since being hit on his favorite wrist in a game and missing most of the 2001 season, Nomar has blamed everyone from the Boston Red Sox to the Boston Pops for his diminishing stats. Claiming the Red Sox management was floating rumors that he was milking an achilles heel injury that occurred in an offseason soccer game, Garciaparra's daily scowl was as expected as the morning sunrise.

Mia Hamm and Yoko Ono Will Forever Be Known as Women Who Ruined Their Husband's Careers.

Upon his return to the Sox lineup in June, 2004, Nomar decided it was in his best interest to threaten Boston's management by claiming he would need to spend significant time on the disabled list in August due to his nagging achilles. Finally, refusing to be held captive by a man whose nose would make Pinocchio blush, the Sox cut the cord.

On a wonderful Sunday afternoon in July, 2004 the overrated waste product and his "beautiful" husband Mia were shipped to the place where World Series' crowns go to die in Cubbie Land, USA. Upon his arrival at the "House That Henry Rowengartner Built", Garciappara immediately declared to the world, contrary to what he told the Red Sox, that he was 100% healthy and ready to contribute to the Cubs' (chuckle) playoff run.

Nomar and Mia Left Boston For Good on July 31, 2004

Despite his proclamations of outstanding health, Garciaparra did, in fact, find himself on the disabled list in August and missed 15 games for Chicago. Not surprisingly, in his absence, the Cubs flourished and appeared to be a shoe-in for the playoffs. Although they could not catch St. Louis for the divisional crown, the wildcard was seemingly theirs until the man with the big nose and weak arm returned to the Cubs lineup.

Cubs fans, as usual, strike a depressed pose when October rolls around.

With Nomar back, the Cubs bottomed out and finished the season by winning just twice in their last nine games to complete a late season Cubs collapse that was mind boggling even by their standards. Of many things, baseball is a game of statistics and trends. Is it a coincidence that Garciaparra's former team are World Champions today while his current team is going on 97 years without a championship?

The Red Sox Celebrated Nomar's Departure by Purchasing Some Jewelry, while the Cubs celebrated by wasting money on printing 2004 World Series Tickets

In the end, everything worked out perfect for the people you wish you were. The Boston Red Sox won it all, while Chicago's curse completed another sad and pathetic chapter. As Nomar toils around the Mendoza Line and the Cubs drift further and further away from the postseason, your superiors raise our flumes and celebrate that wonderful afternoon when Garciaparra packed his bags and left Beantown for the Winless City.

Collar Up.

- DW

$200 Million Doesn't Buy What It Used To.

2005-04-18T09:06:00.000-04:00

As another Monday arrives and the memory of another spectacular weekend in Pinhead Nation disappears, I had a call from my financial planner this morning and we had an interesting discussion. I asked him what are some fun and exciting ways to blow $200 million dollars.

He mentioned that for $200mm, the people you wish you were could pick up one of the new Boeing 7E7-8 Dreamliners where we could jet 217 collar-ups anywhere in the world. We could use that money to vacation in Disney World about 3 million times or so. I suppose if your superiors were feeling generous, we could treat 5,000 future collar-ups to a world-class Boston College education.

The reason for the discussion with my financial planner is it appears that New York convicted felon George Steinbrenner is discovering new ways to blow $200 million dollars again. After his New York Yankees became the laughing stock of the professional sports world this past fall when they set the benchmark for choking in the playoffs, his band of overpaid and gangrenous ballplayers is 4-8 and tied for last place in the A.L. East with the perennial doormat Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

At 4-8, the Chokees are off to their worst start since 1991 when Roberto Kelly and the immortal Hensley "Bam-Bam" Meulens patrolled Yankee Stadium outfield. Back then, Scott "Cy Young" Sanderson anchored NY's pitching staff while Steve "Second Chance" Howe was splitting his time between blowing saves and snorting chalk from the infield baselines.

Overpaid and underachieving purse-swingers like Alex Rodriguez has helped destroy the image of the Yankees as winners

Though the 'Nation does appreciate the efforts of shortstop Derek Jeter (Jeter earns collar-up status for signing with NY out of his school and spurning a scholarship offer to play with the hooliganistic Michigan Wolverines), it appears that Jeter's championship opportunities are in his rear view mirror nowadays.

Derek Jeter's championship opportunities appear to be behind him.

For years, Steinbrenner has been able to pluck baseball's superstars from their current state of purgatory into a Yankee system that has been a machine for baseball success. Since the rise of the Boston Red Sox, the Yankee owner has become even more obsessed with spending and appears to have finally lost his mind. Considering the Yankee payroll of $205 million, the Bronx Busts' slow start is even more side-splitting.

$205 million dollars down the drain...

Tonight at the "House that Dead-Beat Dads Built" in the Bronx, Steinbrenner's Yankees will battle the Devil Rays in an epic battle to crack the deadlock in the American League East. Although the Yankees will outspend Tampa this year by only $168 million or so, 55,000 homeless crack addicts will be in the Stadium tonight crossing their fingers hoping the Yanks can outlast the hard charging D-Rays.

It's unfortunate that Steinbrenner has chosen to waste his money in such a frivilous manner. To think, if he had any good sense, the Boss could have used his funds to recreate the 1997 movie "Titanic" (costing a record $200 million) and, this time, keep Kate Winslett topless for the entire two-hours.

Collar Up.

- DW

Frozen Four Diary

2005-04-14T07:50:00.000-04:00

While enjoying the good life in Columbus, Ohio (if that's even possible), your superiors employed one of our underlings to keep a journal detailing our trip so to remember the day "the upper crust" and "true elitism" honored Columbus and The Ohio State University with our visit. Below is a chronicle of the week the people you wish you were celebrated in the deleterious land of central Ohio.

Wednesday, 10:30 pm.
We arrive at Columbus airport and are on our way to our limo. As we walk through the terminal (those ungracious rubes refused to let our limo pick us up on the runway), we witnessed 120 blondhaired North Dakota fans loitering while waiting for their bus and whispering something about a superior race.

Wednesday, 10:31 pm
As a result of the entire population of North Dakota being in Columbus (the above mentioned 120 North Dakota fans) Canada marches an army full of cheap strippers liquored up on Molson Export into the defenseless state and claims it as a new Canadian province. When the news of the invasion hits, most Americans brush it off as most thought North Dakota was already part of Canada.

Thursday, 11:43 am
We witness our first UNH fan wearing NASCAR garb. Immediately, we realized that you can take a UNH fan out of New Hampshire, but you can't take "white trash" out of a UNH fan.

Thursday, 2:00 pm
The first semifinal starts. Denver is here. CC hasn't shown up yet.

Thursday, 2:30 pm
First intermission and we see a girl from UNH. She tells us that she hasn't showered today. We're not surprised. She tells us soon after that she WANTS to take a shower after the game. We are VERY surprised.

Thursday, 3:30 pm
CC still hasn't shown up. A MCR (Missing Canadians Report)is filed with Columbus Police Department seeking the whereabouts of the Tiger hockey team. Columbus Police immediately light up highway signs for a state-wide "Amber Alert", but realize such an alert would only be effective for locating Keith Johnson's girlfriend, so the alert is called off.

Thursday, 3:42 pm
CC scores and they are only down by 3 goals. An RIT fan sitting behind us that looks more dead than alive, takes our her dentures and screams "one more time Tigers!". Apparently, she is a resident of the "Land of Moral Victories" (a la the "Friends of UNH Hockey") or has a ph.D in mathematics from the University of Massachusetts. Your superiors chose not to chortle at the RIT fan as there is no point in making fun of a club hockey team.

Thursday, 7:00 pm
The second semifinal begins. North Dakota's band immediately starts a musical piece used during Hitler's march into town during World War II. Cheers of "Hail Zajac" are heard throughout the rink as the UND Fighting Aryans take the ice against the Minnesota Gophers.

Thursday, 9:30 pm
Minnesota pulls a "Poland" against the Third Reich's hockey program and surrenders without breaking a sweat. The Sioux add insult to injury by shaving Gopher coach Don Lucia's head to send a message of intimidation to those Minnesota fans living along the North Dakota border.

Friday, 2:00 pm
CC's Marty Sertich wins the Hobey Baker Award. However, he cannot accept the trophy as it had gone missing minutes before the ceremony. It was later found that USCHO's Paul Weston "got the munchies" and ate the fabled trophy after a tray of brownies was misplaced by Arena caterers and no food was present for the ceremony. Weston was nabbed by local authorities when remnants of the trophy were seen inbedded in her mustache.

Friday, 7:08 pm
We receive a call from a source that Chris Bourque, who had just signed a tryout contract with the AHL's Portland Pirates, has just held an impromptu press conference in Portland. Here is the official transcript:

Chris Bourque: "I have decided to leave the Portland Pirates. I didn't think it was going to be as hard or as serious as it was. Jeez everyone, can't you make it easy for me? Don't you know who my dad is? (Chris Bourque begins to cry) Daddy help me..."

Portland Pirates PR official: "As you can see, Chris is very upset. This press conference is over."

The 'Nation feels bad for Baby Bourque. He went from hockey's equivilent of a "McDonald's All-American" to an "All-American who will likely be working for McDonalds." As a BU dropout, he automatically is accepted into the McDonald's Management Training Program and with his quick hands, should be Vice President In Charge of the Fryolater by year's end.

Saturday, 7:30 pm:
Like soldiers storming the beaches at Normany, the Denver Pioneers pummel Nazi Dakota and send the Sioux into full retreat. Denver's allied forces surround "Desert Fox" Drew Stafford and "Eich Mein Parise" and by 9pm, accepts North Dakota's full and complete surrender to capture the NCAA crown for the second straight year.

Saturday, 10pm:
Dakota coach Dave Hakstol is located hidden in his bunker deep in Columbus' underbelly and, reportedly, takes his own life by being forced to watch hours of BU coach Jack Parker's instructional video on "The Fast Break Offense and Creating Scoring Chances". With the Dakota regime defeated and its leader eliminated, screams of joy and happiness fill the streets of Denver that will last right up until the horrid play of the Denver Broncos quickly sobers up the Mountain High masses.

Sunday, 9am:
After waking to a round of Bloody Marys', the people you wish you were are carted off to the airport where our chartered jet awaits. During the flight home, we reflect on our journey and think of those who minumum waged employees who helped us enjoy ourselves during the week.

Collar Up.

- Mav

Merrimack Achieves New Level of Embarrassment

2005-04-12T07:43:00.000-04:00

There are many instances in the life of a Collar-Up that we thank the good graces for making us the superior folks we are. Through quality family upbringing, strict adherence to social structure, and most important, superb education, the people you wish you were enjoy life and take pity on those less fortunate.

That being said, we do realize we are a lucky sort and understand that most aren't as privileged as your superiors at Pinhead Nation. As we traveled home from the Collar-Up Convention held this past week in Columbus, Ohio during the NCAA Frozen Four, we reflected on our optimacy and imagined the plight of the raffish hobnails that we must tolerate in society every day.

During our conversation, it didn't take long until we began to focus our discussion on the rueful society that is Merrimack College. Students are forced to attend a school like Merrimack for many reasons that may or may not be their own fault (lack of funds to attend a legitimate college, limited brainpower due to a mother who drank large amounts of anti-freeze during pregnancy, etc). One group of Merrimack students who chose to attend the school to play in a Division 1 hockey program went out of their way to bring further embarrassment to a school that epitomizes the word "wretched" during this past week.

Trojan Condoms share a similar logo with Merrimack College's. According to a Trojan spokesman, like a Trojan, Merrimack hockey is good for one shot every three hours.

The latest installment of Merrimack idiocy surrounds their head coach Chris Serino. Serino, an expert at coaching a loser from his days as a UNH assistant, was made aware that a vote was taken by the entire MC Warrior hockey team unanimously demanding his resignation. They blame Serino for this past year's side-splitting 8-win season as well as the fact that the Warriors have never finished above 7th in Hockey East during his tenure.

Warrior coach Chris Serino, upon hearing of his player's vote, must have surmised the "vote" was a verbal one and not a petition as none of the current Merrimack players know how to write.

Since Serino is currently the interim Athletics Director at Merrimack, it seems that Hockey East's band of 25 year-old Canadian thugs will be forced to take their grievance to Merrimack President Richard Santagati. Pinhead Nation's position in this fight is clear, MC's players, who would be pumping gas at the Thunder Bay, Ontario Exxon Station if not for Serino's scholarship offer, should realize that they are fortunate to be a member of Hockey East.

Like the logos for the LA Clippers and TB Devils Rays, the Merrimack College logo is a synonym for athletic refuse.

The question that surfaces in the highly developed minds of your superiors is why the student body hasn't demanded the resignation of Serino. Since 2000, his Warriors have averaged a humilating 9.5 wins per season and, with no talent to speak of, resort to cheap play often resulting in injuries to their talented opposition. The only assumption to be made is the dunderheaded Merrimack students have simply accepted losing as a part of their collegiate experience or realize their lives have many greater problems than the plight of their hockey program.

Merrimack fans realize their hockey program is laugh-out-loud embarrassing, but accept it as just another failed aspect of their ineffectual lives.

With Serino's dismissal from Merrimack clearly forthcoming, the 'Nation will be interested to see who takes over behind the bench at the Volpe Center next fall. The ultimate irony would be if former Northeastern cast-off Bruce Crowder was hired to continue the moribund tradition of Warrior hockey. The good news for MC fans is they can't go anywhere but up, the bad news, of course, is they are still Merrimack College fans.

Collar Up.

- DW

"Bourque" and "Books" Don't Mix

2005-04-04T14:59:00.000-04:00

While I was sitting by the fire finishing the last sip of a very outstanding Armagnac brandy, I received a call from a dear old friend informing me of big news out of Kenmore State College. It seems that freshman Chris "oveRAYted" Bourque, having already been feted by being named to Hockey East's All-Rookie Team, as well as a Beanpot Most Valuable Player Award, has once again achieved the remarkable. In the same breath as someone breaking the "3-minute mile" or the US Olympic Team's victory over the Soviets in 1980, Bourque had done the impossible: He managed to fail academically at Boston University and has dropped out.

Bourque, whose father excelled on the blue line, had trouble coloring within the lines as a freshman at Boston University.

This past Friday, Bourque left a crayon written note for senile BU coach Jack Parker which said "Me no like skool, I'm kwitting to play hockey in Canada near Santa Claus". Parker, seeing the note was unsigned, spent the next several hours trying to figure out its author since, considering its jargon, could have been any BU player. It finally dawned on Parker that it was the young Bourque who would be leaving.

Although Bourque had been seen as someone who could put BU hockey back on the map, the Cushing Academy "graduate", instead, joined former Terrier "academics" Scott King and Dan Lacouture in a bizarre "dimwit trinity" of feebleminded Boston U. hockey dropouts. Admitting he "wasn't a big fan of going to school and going to class", Bourque cleaned out his locker at the Egg-Anus Arena and joined the Moncton Wildcats of the QMJHL.

"Zero..Point..Zero, the lowest in Faber History"

News of Bourque's departure hit BU's student body hard as the school reports food lines in the cafeteria for "Palak Paneer" and "Dalchini Palau" entrees, usually 100 deep for hungry BU freshmen, have never been so empty. School officials also report several absences in Jai Alai matches throughout campus as well.

Perhaps the portion of the student body that Bourque's departure is hitting hardest is within the female population at Boston University. Once the news broke that the young and handsome Bourque was leaving, hundreds of BU beauties surrounded his dormatory and in a show of unity and admiration, all lit their mustaches on fire.

With Bourque gone, BU coeds have returned to dating one of the many camels roaming the BU campus

The bottom line is the 19 year-old Bourque struggled in a university whose valedictorian needs a tutor to find "Blue's Clues". Then again, perhaps it wasn't academics at all that failed Bourque. The truth may be that, like his father, Chris realized he would never win a championship in Boston and was forced to leave and seek victory elsewhere. Regardless, young Chris Bourque is leaving all three hundred Boston University hockey fans heartbroken and will now play in a Moncton program that, unlike BU, won't give academic credit for watching cartoons.

Bourque's girlfriend at BU, a former "Boink Magazine" Centerfold, couldn't convince Chris to stay in school

The 'Nation raises our glasses of brandy and wishes Chris Bourque well and hopes BU fans can find another famous NHL player's son to help fill seats in their soon to be White Elephant of a hockey rink.

Collar Up

- DW

(A reminder that the people you wish you were will be in Columbus, Ohio for the rest of the week and your favorite web-blog will return next Monday)

Mailbag Friday, 4/1

2005-04-01T07:28:00.000-05:00

It's a new month, spring is in the air, and your superiors have decided to turn over a new leaf. Perhaps it's the impending crack of the bat signalling the new baseball season that has lightened our mood, or maybe it's just that we've come across lately as a bit smug or slightly arrogant. Regardless, with today being the day you look forward to most, Pinhead Nation's Mailbag Friday, the people you wish you were are taking a "kinder and more gentle" approach to our loyal fans who wish to be honored by asking your idols a question.

As always, you can send your question or comment to mailbag@pinheadnation.com and if you're fortunate, we'll answer your inquiry and do our best to address your meager concern. So without further adieu, here's this week's mailbag.

Q - Mike B.(Orono, ME). Watching "America's Team" look like a JV team against the Sioux last weekend just made my day. The only regret is they didn't give up ten goals.

A - Mike, thank you for your concerns about the plight of the Boston College hockey program. Like you, we were disappointed that America's Team's season came to a sudden halt at the hands of North Dakota. Sorry to hear that Maine lost to Minnesota, we were really rooting for them to pull it off. Trust us, no one was more surprised than the 'Nation to see Maine coach Tim Whitehead unable to outcoach Minnesota's Don Lucia. Your superiors felt awful for Maine fans and we're sure that next year the Blackbears can pull it together and win another national championship. Good luck with your studies, too. We know how difficult the curriculum is at U of Maine and admire your efforts to succeed at such a quality institution.

Though hockey season over in Maine, there are still many wonderous summertime activities awaiting residents of "Vacation-Land".

Q - Adam C. (Lidgerwood, ND). I assume you Pinhead Nation guys will be rooting for the Fighting Sioux to win it all now. Go Sioux!

A - Hi Adam, thanks for checking in. Due to prior contractual arrangements, the 'Nation will be rooting for Minnesota. We apologize, but as in the business world, verbal agreements cannot be broken. Although we can't support your Sioux next week, your superiors are considering buying some property in North Dakota soon. With so much to do in North Dakota, hiking, scrapbooking, wandering in the wilderness, where else would we want to go for a quick getaway. If there is a more cosmopolitan place with more interesting people than North Dakota, we'd like to know where it is.

Is there anyone who wouldn't want to spend every day with these North Dakota folks? Not us. Not us, indeed.

Q - Jesse M. (Madison, WI). Hi Pinheads. I don't post on the USCHO.com site, but being a Badger fan, I read it often. I enjoy reading what darin, MAV, and SteveF write (I assume you guys are Pinhead Nation) but I just saw you were all suspended again. Why are you people always getting suspended?

A - Jesse, like many moderated websites, the word of the "site adminstrator" is law. Although hockey is a sport designed to be entertaining, the USCHO board admin has chosen to squelch anyone rooting for America's Team who dares to deviate from their punctilious set of commandments. Your superiors appreciate the efforts of the USCHO administrators for the yeoman's work they do. Just knowing they can patrol thousands of posts while keeping abreast of every rumor and tidbit pertaining to next season's Battlestar Galactica and Babylon 5 series' is astounding. All this without the ability to rely on female companionship for assistance. Again, in the spirit of "turning the other cheek", your superiors simply say "our bad" and say how much we respect the USCHO board administration.

With an iron fist, used for maintaining order and self-gratification, the USCHO admin ensures the trains surrounding USCHO-land always run on time

That's going to do it for this week's Pinhead Nation mailbag. Remember, email your superiors whatever is on your mind and we may just make your weekend by responding to you.

Collar Up.

- DW

New Yorkers Struggling to Embrace Their "Daddy"

2005-03-30T18:38:00.000-05:00

With spring finally reaching the Northeast, I was finally able to take a drive to the Country Club and play my first round of golf this season. After my round, I was a bit rusty but still managed to break par, I watched the final innings of the Red Sox vs. Yankees spring training game down in Florida.

As my collar-up friends and I ruminated about the upcoming baseball season, we chortled over the misery that has fallen on the fans of the New York Yankees. Though dirty and uneducated, Yankees fans (and New Yorkers in general) have always felt that as awful as their existence may be, they still felt a feeling over superiority over Bostonians because of the baseball team they rooted for.

On October 20, 2004, everything changed. Despite holding a commanding 3-0 series lead over the Red Sox in the ALCS, the Yankees erased 86 years of misery for Red Sox fans by becoming the symbol for sports futility by losing the series in seven games. While the odds of New York losing the series were just about impossible, the Pinstripers lost the next four games to become baseball's version of the Hindenberg Disaster and the "Dole For President" Campaign.

Yankee fans were angered when Cleveland chose to go for a two point conversion late in their early season contest at Yankee Stadium

With the new season about to get underway, I noticed a very peculiar thing when I was forced to visit New York this week for yet another financially lucrative business deal. For the first time in my life, I noticed some very subtle changes as I cruised around Manhattan in the backseat of my towncar: humbled residents from the Rotten Apple.

Despite having won 26 World Series title in their history, the Yankee fans that your superiors encountered have finally realized that their team has become an embarrassment. The sight of a Red Sox cap will put them into convulsions and the mere mention of Johnny Damon or David Ortiz will induce vomiting faster than a double shot of Ipecac.

Bottles of Ipecac Syrup are helping millions of Yankees fans deal with the pain of losing to the Red Sox last year

As if realizing the eternal question of "Who's Your Daddy" was finally answered on that cold Autumn night in the Bronx wasn't enough, the people you wish you were have actually noticed sociological changes throughout the uneducated population of "The City That Never Bathes". A quick check with the New York Police Department has uncovered some remarkable statistics since the Yankees lost the ALCS.

First, although the entire Yankee fanbase is still unemployed and continues to receive money from the Department of Social Services, the number of dead beat dads in the Tri-State area has actually decreased. Stats show that the percentage of fathers who have financially neglected their bastard children has decreased from 100% to just a smidge over 99%.

Similar, residents of New York City can sleep a bit easier at night as the odds of being murdered within the next 12 months has dropped from 82% to 80%. For you unsightly loverboys who have no alternative to finding a woman than having to pay for it, perk you ears. The odds of acquiring a sexually transmitted disease from a New York prostitute has dropped to an all-time low of 92%.

The 2004 Yankees, as well as the "Summer of George" came to an abrupt end last Fall

Is it possible that these sharp decreases can be merely a coincidence? Unlikely. The odds of that happening are smaller than the odds of former New York Mayor and opportunist Rudy Giuliani turning away from a TV camera. The reality is the Yankees loss and the acceptance that they are now "Property of the Boston Red Sox" has struck them harder than a Brooklyn gangland drive-by and has clearly changed their perception on life.

New York fans are still waiting for the Yankees to close out Game 4 vs. Boston

If you happen to come into contact with a New Yorker (assuming he's not mugging you or washing your windshield with a newspaper), try and feel his pain. The only bright spot and source of pride in his failed and loathsome life, the Yankees, has left him high and dry. The bad news for most Yankee fans is they must carry this badge of shame for the rest of their lives. The good news is since they live in crime ridden dump that is New York, their life expectancy is likely to be brief.

Collar Up.

- DW

Hockey Least

2005-03-28T17:25:00.000-05:00

As I sit here looking over the vast grounds outside of Stately Pinhead Manor, it's hard not to reflect on the good old days. It seems like just yesterday my tech stocks were booming and when gasoline was cheap enough for a UMass grad to afford. Heck, even the Northeastern alums I'd hire from the local temp agency to rake my leaves seemed to have a bounce in their step.

Just five short years ago, The Hockey East Association dominated the college hockey landscape. The 1999 Frozen Four featured three teams, America's Team, the University of Numbskulled Hillbillies, and Sanction U. at Orono, Maine. As a matter of fact, Hockey East has dominated in the Frozen Four, sending at least one team to college hockey's championship weekend every year since 1992. The question that has to be asked is 'where have all the good times gone?'

Hockey Least has become a conference that even the ECAC is laughing at

In sports and in life, you are only as strong as your competition. Considering the 2004-2005 Hockey East season had the same quality as a Pat O'Brien voice mail message, it's no surprise that America's Team was ill-prepared in their NCAA tourney loss to WCHA twenty-somethings, the University of North Dakota.

This past season, Hockey East "captured" a 5-15-2 record vs. the WCHA. Of the nine "sons of Joe Bertagna", only America's Team showed success against the west, mustering a 3-0 record vs. WCHA opponents entering the NCAA tournament. While BC showed success against the best the NCAA had to offer earlier in the season, beating North Dakota and Denver by a combined 11-5 score, BC began to run out of gas once they "dumbed down" to their conference schedule.

Of his many examples of lunacy, Hockey East commissioner Joe "BU" Bertagna's most ridiculous yet was when he agreed to participate in the "Commissioner's Cup Series". This series pitted BC and their eight slow brothers in a head to head competition against the other conferences, including the WCHA. The former goalie from Arlington, Mass also continued to "trade" referees with the WCHA when nearsighted ref Jeff Bunyon was sent west while WCHA zebra Bill Mason called a couple of Hockey East games.

It's been hard to take Hockey East and boss Joe Bertagna seriously lately

Had Hockey East offered America's Team better in-conference competition this season, it's clear to the people you wish you were, that Boston College would, once again, be participating in the NCAA Frozen Four next weekend. Unfortunately, when BC is forced to play a total of 12 games against quasi high school squads such as UMass, Northeastern, Providence, and Merrimack, it's difficult when it's tourney time and they are forced to play against legitimate competition.

Kenmore State players are told by senile coach Jack Parker that their Beanpot victory did not make them national champions.

So as your superiors jet off to Columbus, Ohio to watch the 2005 Frozen Four, we'll wonder how this tournament would have played out if Hockey East had any respectable teams outside of Chestnut Hill this season. Unfortunately, when a conference is forced to carry hockey-waste such as Merrimack College and is expected to tolerate the perennial underachiever that is Northeastern, it's difficult for Boston College to play with the big guys when they spend 24 games a year playing little boys. Back in the day, your superiors used to refer to the WCHA as the "Womens and Children's Hockey Association". We can only imagine what they call Hockey East these days.

Collar Up.

- DW

Mailbag Friday, 3/25

2005-03-24T15:52:00.000-05:00

Fear not, young rubes, the Pinhead Nation mailbag that sustains your raffish existence from week to week has returned. As you can imagine, your superiors have been very busy over the last few weeks. Following Boston College's "Hillbilly Hecatomb" this past weekend at FleetCenter, the people you wish you were have enjoyed several celebratory functions attended by members of the highest level of the collar-up glitterati.

Now that your superiors have swallowed the last sip of Moet and Chandon and the tears have begun to dry in Durham and Orono, it's time we all return to our normal lives. For us, it's living the life of privilege granted to us by our superincumbent education. For you, it's a life of hoping to hold your minimum wage job for another day, hoping this isn't the day your miserable spouse leaves you for a BC graduate, and, most important, the day that the 'Nation takes time out of our day to answer your obeisant questions.

Whether at work or home, emailers to Pinhead Nation often represent the nadir of society and having their questions answered is often the high-point of their lives.

Q - Adam (Auburndale, MA). I have to give you guys credit where credit is due. With all those injuries, and as a BU fan, I didn't think "America's Team" could win the Hockey East title. Do you think BC will have their injured players back for the NCAA Tournament?

A - Adam, you should be ashamed of yourself for doubting BC's ability. Understandably, you are obviously used to coming up short in life and are accustomed to dealing with the stinging pain of disappointment in your own plight. Still, you should have thought better than picking against the team everyone secretly roots for. Remember, BC did have the benefit of playing UNH in the championship game, which we all know is about as easy a task as finding a Boston College reject currently studying Hindu in Warren Towers, USA. Nonetheless, whether BC has injuries to deal with or not this weekend, we expect to be celebrating yet again.

Q - Mary (Nashua, NH). I think Mercyhurst is going to whip BC the same way the University of Milwaukee beat your overrated basketball Team. Collar up yours.

A - Mary, about a year ago, I had the displeasure of driving through Nashua, NH. Having witnessed the vestigial existence by the locals who obviously couldn't even spell 'tuxedo' let alone own one, I was reminded of that unsightly visit as I read your email. I'm perplexed by the enigma of what life-event retarded your brain and left you with such a feebleminded opinion of America's Team's chances vs. Mercyhurst. Your superiors feel bad for you, Mary, and hope you find a method of education that brings you up to par with the UMass-Amherst grad who cleans our stables.

UMass-Lowell graduate "Mary from Nashua, NH" struggles with the computer skills she learned during her busy "Mall Cart" career to email Pinhead Nation

Q - Clark (Brighton, MA). Hey fellas, I just wanted to tell you guys that I got my oil changed at Jiffy Lube last week and I think I got screwed. The car had less than 5k on it and I ended up buying a bunch of crap that I never heard of. Should I go back and complain?

A - Clark. Personally, I'm stunned that even though we are in the 21st century, that a BC student still has to go to a place like "Jiffy Lube". That being said, of course you were taken advantage of. Understand that most Jiffy Lube employees are Northeastern students who are there for their co-op year and will lash out at collar-up types whenever possible. Don't take it personally. It takes years for people like this to be tamed and resign themselves to the fact that they will spend the rest of their lives serving BC graduates. Keep your chin up, lad.

Q - Scott (location N/A) - Will Pinhead Nation be present this weekend in Worcester for the NCAA hockey regionals?

A - Good Lord, no. If there is a more collar-down city than Worcester, Massachusetts, I would like to know where it is. Worcester is the type of town where the hepatitis-plagued local prostitutes, for fear of further disease, still require their clients to use prophylatics for their own protection. Although we have several invitations to attend, the opportunity to watch the game at our country club surrounded by our collar-up socialities is far too good an offer to pass up.

Well, thats going to do it for another week. Best of luck to our fellow collar-up brothers at Harvard and Cornell this weekend and with any luck, our three alumni chapters will be sipping Cristal in Columbus at the Frozen Four prior to game day.

Collar Up.

- DW

Ya'll Go Home Now, Ya Hear?

2005-03-22T16:35:00.000-05:00

This past Saturday at approximately 10 pm, your superiors sat proudly in our luxury box watching America's Team capture their record sixth Hockey East Championship over the Univ. of New Hampshire. As we sipped our Moet and Chandon and reflected on our own personal preponderance, the people you wish you were couldn't help thinking about the misery that UNH's supporters must have been feeling at that moment as once again, Boston College had broken their hearts.

It is often said that playing UNH in a postseason game is the equivilent of drawing a 'bye', especially for BC. Although Wildcat fans point to their regular season success over America's Team, the team wearing maroon and gold, once again, reminded UNH that when the stakes are high, as always, BC wears their collars up, while UNH wears their collars tight.

BC's six Hockey East Crowns matches the average number of children in most New Hampshire Families.

For UNH fans, the reality of another year without a legitimate banner to hang at the "Losesomemore Center" (UNH will likely hang one anyhow) has led to tremendous despondency in Durham, NH. Though officials at the University of New Hampshire are privately elated with UNH's annual Hockey East defeat (the rising cost of pepper spray has left university supplies dangerously low), they are alarmed by the number of marose students wandering aimlessly through the UNH campus.

UNH Officials report the mood on campus has not been this low since brother/sister cohabitation was banned in university dormitaries.

While most UNH fans have accepted their fate and have begun the healing process, others remain angry and feel the Wildcats were wronged several times by Hockey East referees. When BC and UNH tied at Conte Forum last month, UNH fans feel that a "goal" the Wildcats scored but were never credited for, cost The Univ. of Neverending Hillbillies the Regular Season crown. These genetically mutated anomalies seem to dismiss the fact that if UNH won just one time in their final four games (0-2-2), they would have won the regular season title.

This New Official Logo of "Friends of UNH Hockey" captures of the essence of Wildcat hockey fans

As tough as it is for UNH fans to admit, America's Team is a superior hockey program and their meliority proved itself once again in the Hockey East championship game. Though the Wildcats did their best to stave off the inevitable against America's Team, their flaws were eventually exposed as BC's dominance was too much for the mediocre UNH program to handle.

America's Team forward Brian Boyle had a day at the beach vs. UNH

For your superiors, the joy that comes with watching our team win another championship has found us once again. As in life, your elite idols at Boston College have, again, achieved victory over a subpar opponent. The good news for UNH is they will unlikely have to play Boston College again this year. The bad news is it's NCAA tourney time, and no team epitomizes failure in the NCAA's more than the University of New Hampshire. Your superiors would like to say we understood your pain, but, obviously, we don't.

Collar Up

- DW

Pinhead Nation's 2004-05 All-Milk Carton Team

2005-03-17T12:13:00.000-05:00

Although Friday is usually "Pinhead Nation Mailbag Day", your superiors have chosen to deviate from our normal schedule for a very special awards presentation. While we realize you are disappointed at no mailbag today, our personal feelings are buoyed by the fact that we really don't care how you feel, and second, because the people you wish you were feel it's time to reward some folks who really deserve special recognition. Fear not, the Friday mailbag you cannot live without will return next Friday.

Without further adieu, your superiors are proud to announce our first annual Pinhead Nation All-Milk Carton Team for the 2004-05 Hockey East season. These recipients, each individually dreadful, are made even more repugnant when gathered together on one team. The All-Milk Carton Team is a collection of underachieving, non-performing derelicts whose teams would have better off playing a man down rather than allowing them to embarrass themselves on the ice. Here are this year's winners chosen by the 'Nation after hours of deliberation at Stately Pinhead Manor.

Pinhead Nation’s 1st annual Hockey East All-Milk Carton team:

F, Brian McConnell, Boston University – So far this season, McConnell has "captured" 8 goals and 12 assists as the senior captain for Boink University. He also had a team high (and perhaps league-high) 63 PIMs this year to go along with a dreadful –5 rating in his 38 games played this year. While he raised his point total from last year (up from 16 points), "McScholarship-waste's" production continues to spiral from his point production during his freshman and sophomore campaigns. Though he arrived at BU from the United States Development Program with high potential, Brian's career has followed a long line of Terrier busts that saw their careers swirl the bowl and eventually disappear. Look for McConnell to be pouring McShake's at a drive-thru near you shortly after graduation.

F, Ben Murphy, Maine – The senior forward had 3 goals, 7 assists for a
whopping 10 points. He’s on pace to match his 11 points from his sophomore and junior seasons, which saw his production drop from 16 in his freshman season. He also had only a +1 rating in the 27 games he actually played this season. This type of production from the former Cushing star is sure to make guys like former BU bust John Sabo blush. Murphy, a native of North Andover, MA, does earn points for being smart enough to leave his hometown rather than associate himself with a program as slipshod as Merrimack College. Instead, he chose a program synonymous with cheating and completely devoid of academic integrity in Maine. Fortunately for Murphy, after spending four years in Orono, he now speaks fluent French and is an expert in Canadian culture.

F, Peter Trovato, UMass-Amherst – Like the UMass basketball program, the Minutemen' hockey program has also chosen to give scholarships to athletes completely lacking in athletic talent. Case in point, your superiors bring you Peter Trovato. Trovato has proven you do not need a shred of talent to wear a Divison 1 hockey sweater. Another display of pure "offensive prowess", Trovato has tallied 0 goals and 10 assists in 38 games played for this senior forward out of North Attleboro, Massachusetts. He also posted a –9 rating and 28 penalty minutes this season. Sadly, now that America’s Team has ended UMass’ season, Trovato will end his career with a pitiful season high of 10 points. While he certainly had a Collar-Down season and a no-collar career, his academic accomplishments (he is a finalist for the Humanitarian Award), is something Pinhead Nation and Collar-Ups around the world respect a great deal. Although Trovato achieved a tremendous academic record, your superiors must remind ourselves that he attended a University whose diploma means as much to the collar-up world of Academia as the runner-up trophy in a 4th grade inner-city dodgeball tournament.

D, Jekabs Redlihs, Boston University – The junior out of Riga, Latvia is on a pace to go into uncharted territory next season, a sub-zero point total to end his pathetic career. After starting off with 16 points as a freshman, he posted just 6 points in an injury-riddled sophomore season. This year, although playing in all 38 games for the BC Rejects, the "Riga Rocket" has really brought shame to the motherland by tallying just one point. Defensively, he’s a –3 and has put up 28 penalty minutes this season. Though no one knows the root of Redlihs' on-ice problems this year, the 'Nation fears Redlihs has been spending too much time with his fellow Eurotrash on the several dance floors on Landsdowne Street. The 'Nation has found out that Redlihs will change his name to Bourque and will immediately receive interest from the Washington Capitals and his once-pathetic career will be dubbed "stellar".

D, Peter Tormey, Umass-Lowell – It’s tough to pick a guy from Umass-Lowell since they never get any heralded recruits, but a senior defenseman that has had a truly awful career must be given some recognition. With his career ended last weekend in the land that evolution missed (Maine), he finished the season with a whopping 1 point - 0 goals, 1 assist. He was also –7 this season in his 24 games for the CrackhouseHawks. He fell off dramatically after posting 9 and 7 points in his sophomore and junior seasons, respectively. He has finished his career with an abysmal 18 career points. He really has nothing going for him and we see no need to kick a Lowell player when he’s down. Having to walk the Earth with a UMass-Lowell degree is, arguably, cruel and unusual punishment in itself.

G, Jeff Pietrasiak, University of New Hampshire – This junior goaltender has assumed the starting job at the beginning of the season as the eldest and best goaltender remaining on the team after the graduation of our beloved "Touchdown" Mike Ayers. But this season, he saw his role as the starter vanquish into the dark night like UNH's annual title hopes in April. That’s because he has posted a 2.90 GAA and .903 save % with a record of 11-6-3 overall in 22 games played this season. Even more embarrassing, he’s been replaced by a freshman goaltender who has come in and done a better job (except for the monkey-shining he received from America’s Team up in Titletown, USA). Ultimately, we salute Pietrasiak for upholding the fine tradition of embarrassing goaltending performances that we have all come to love from the fine folks up North. Pinhead Nation has searched through our archives and we believe this is the first time in history a goalie has been replaced after showing his UNH "playoff" form.

Congratulations to all our recipients and your superiors invite you to join us as we raise our flumes in honor of the All-Milk Carton Team. Though most awards are given to overachievers, the 'Nation honors a group of such detritus, they make anyone who shares the ice with them that much better.

Collar Up.

- Mav and DW

Hillbilly Warning Alert Level raised to "Severe" in Boston this weekend

2005-03-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

After taking advantage of another slow-witted New Hampshire resident in lucrative business deal this morning, I couldn't help noticing that both UNH and the University of Maine have advanced to this weekend's Hockey East championships in Boston. UNH will play Boink University while America's Team will tune-up for Saturday's Hockey East final when they take on the Fighting Sanctions of the University of Maine.

Here in civilization, we are tolerant of the genetically mutated galoots from the Redneck Riviera portion of New Hampshire and the clodhopping bestials from the "Land that Time Forgot" in Maine. This tolerance, however, by your superiors and others in the collar-up community should not be tested. Though most NH and Maine residents are used to parking their trailers and calling it "home" wherever they see fit, some social rules must be followed here in the collar-up city of Boston.

First, it's important we discuss personal hygiene. Some are basic, but if your family's evolution is slow and just on its second generation of walking on two-legs, we can't assume even the most basic concepts will be adhered to.

1.) Cleaning your ears in public with the keys to your pick-up is a faux pas.
2.) Delaying bathing by excessive use of cologne/perfume products is not acceptable.
3.) If you're a female, remember to clean the slime from under your fingernails. Dirt, grease, etc under one's fingernails will distract others from admiring any cubic zirconias and/or fashionable tattoos displayed on your fingers.

With personal hygiene taken care of, it's important that Maine and New Hampshire fans understand proper etiquette when dining in one of Boston's several restaurants.

1.) Under no circumstances should you use a restaurant glass as a "dip cup".
2.) You will not be allowed to bring in boxes of wine or homemade whiskey into any Boston dining establishment.
3.) If a restaurant requires a "jacket" for men to wear in the dining room, understand that jackets displaying "NASCAR heroes", "Beer logos", "Tobacco products", or "8-Balls" are not acceptable.
5.) If you choose to pay your bill with a credit card, understand that "Exxon" or "Mobil" cards will not be accepted.
4.) Shirts and shoes are required, regardless of whether or not you own either. (Note: Shirt should not be a bowling shirt.)

Tasteful clothing, required in quality Boston restaurants, can hide even the most severe genetic mutations of Maine or New Hampshire fans.

With hygiene and dining etiquette taken care of, it's time the people you wish you were talked with you about driving. Boston has the reputation of being one of the tougher cities to drive around, so it is important to understand some basic 'rules' when driving in our metropolis.

1.) "Right of way" is not determined by whomever drives the bigger truck.
2.) If you are renting a vehicle, check with the rental car facility before slapping "Anyone but Gordon" or "Intimidator Lives" bumper stickers on the vehicle.
3.) Under no circumstances should you fire guns at Boston street signs.

Now, for those New Hampshirites or Mainers who do not own a double-wide trailer and must seek hotel accomodations, please take note.

1.) You will not be allowed to hunt on hotel property. Any animals found on hotel property grounds are not to be killed or molested.
2.) Ice machines are to be used for beverages only and should not be used to clean one's armpits.
3.) Hotels generally charge by the person. If your family has more than 15 members and all are seeking accomodations, please notify hotel at time of check-in.
4.) Finally, it is important you ask for a room that allows smoking. Since all NH or Maine visitors smoke or dip tobacco products, it is imperative that you refrain from smoking in a "non-smoking" room. As outlandish as the concept of "no smoking" may sound to you, smoking in a civilized society is generally frowned upon.

So there you have it, four simple guidelines to live by during your trip to "the big city". On behalf of your superiors, please enjoy our city and have a safe visit. Although we realize that UNH and Maine fans will both likely be driving home this weekend sadder than a Mark Chesnutt tune due to their teams' performances, we do want you to come back someday. For collar-ups, UNH and Maine fans provide us a moment of amusement. For those aspiring to be collar-up, you folks give them something to contrast.

Collar Up.

- DW

(Pinhead Nation raises our flumes and toasts our friends at Worldwidewedgie.com for their support and assistance with this article.)

Mailbag Friday, 3/11

2005-03-11T15:12:00.000-05:00

As always, Friday is the day that you serfs look forward most in your lives as it is the day a better group of people actually interact with those of you who are brazen enough to drop us an email. As you know by now, if you have a question or comment, send us an email to "mailbag@pinheadnation.com" and on Fridays, if you're lucky, we'll do our best to answer some of them.

Though imbecilic and unsightly, Merrimack College graduates enjoy delivering mail to Pinhead Nation's mailbag

While I have some time to kill while my Boston University graduate student intern cleans my sump pump, I thought this was just as good a time as any to answer some of you menial questions or respond to your uneducated comments. Let's see what is the 'Nation's mailbag for this week:

Q - Paul M (Amherst, MA) - You guys seem pretty cocky about Boston College's chances to beat UMass this weekend. Have you ever heard of the concept of "Karma"?

A - Paul, only an uneducated dolt, much like yourself, is concerned with silly concepts as "karma". On one side of the ice, I see everything a college hockey team should be: smart, from great collar-up families, well coached, and extremely talented. On the visitors bench, I see a bunch of rejects who only accepted their scholarships to UMass because the other alternative was prison. Your superiors feel for you folks at UMass, we really do. It must be difficult knowing your UMass degree carries as much weight as the third prize in a County Fair's "ring toss" game. Good luck in your future endeavors.

Q - Steve N. (Morgantown, WV) - BC hoops = Hahahaha!

A - Boy, what a great moment that must have been at WVU when the Mountaineers hoops team upset the mighty BC Eagles. I can only imagine the parties at West Virginia U. after the contest. Although you probably think most collar-ups are upset at the loss, we are not. We actually feel bad for those who live in Morgantown, WV. No, not the students or alumni who, unfortunately, have no real collegiate options or chance at success, but the countless farm animals who endured several instances of sexual molestation during the celebration. I feel bad for that faceless chicken, just waiting to be killed, who has to endure different forms of animal husbandry everytime a WVU program somehow wins a big game. As always, your superiors worry about the little people who have no voice to cry out their outrage.

Q - Jason D. (Chestnut Hill, MA) - Hey "guys who I wish I was". I couldn't help noticing at the Maine game on Friday there was a couple of people wearing "Pinhead Nation Hockey" t-shirts. Are you guys selling those and how can I get one? I am a BC student (in case you couldn't tell by my email address), and I'd proudly wear that shirt around campus and to games.

A - Jason, thanks for your email. Receiving an email from a future collar-up is like drinking a glass of Chateau Gruaud Larose on a hot day. Yes, the 'Nation has started to make inroads to the fashion industry with our new t-shirts. Check the official home of your superiors at www.pinheadnation.com and soon we'll have a link up there on how to purchase such a fine casual garment. For upper class types like yourself, its great to wear to a game. For lower class types like our friends up in Durham, NH, our t-shirt would qualify as formal wear.

Well, unfortunately for you, that's going to do it for this week's visit to our mailbag. Check out the 'Nation later this weekend as America's Team prepares for their trip to the FleetCenter for the Hockey East semifinals next weekend. For collar-ups, put an extra log in the fire this weekend as it is going to be a cold one. For the rest of you, book your space now in your local shelter as space will, likely, be limited.

Collar Up.

- DW

The Massholes are coming! The Massholes are coming!

2005-03-08T13:13:00.000-05:00

After showing the rest of Hockey East who their daddy is once again, America's Team opens their playoff run against the glorified High School that is U.Mass-Amherst. While collar-ups anticipate a quick dismissal of the UMass icers, BC fans must be advised that fans of the University of Massachusetts are clearly the detritus of the nation and can quickly become violent.

First, though, your superiors must discuss this weekend's match-up. Considering Boston College is 31-5-2 against UMass all-time, the people you wish you were don't anticipate much of a contest in either game. Although BC fans will remember the stunning loss to Kenmore State last winter in the semis, understand that UMass would be barely be a contender for the Super 8 high school championship, let alone the Hockey East crown.

The main point of our story today, though, isn't to discuss the impending destruction of the Minutemen's sorry existence, but to warn fellow collar-ups what can happen when the words "UMass fans" and "playoffs" are used in the same sentence.

Your superiors have contacted several qualified sociologists to discuss this unique behavioral trait associated with students of UMass-Amherst and none have been able to explain it. The best theory presented so far is that UMass students, upset and angry over the fact that they played the game of life and lost, are rebelling against their pathetic lives through social disobedience. Due to several nights of drinking grain alcohol during high school, coupled with low-income family structures, UMass students have achieved substandard academic results and non-existent SAT scores.

UMass students are known as the dumbest collegians in America

Although UMass graduates tend to be ornary due to several academic and economic reasons, they do work hard to carry their weight in the work force. Though slow and dim-witted, alumni of the University of Massachusetts have managed to dominate most entry level positions at some of America's most famous food establishments. Despite below and, in some cases, sub-human intellect, your superiors are delighted to know that if we're hungry late, we can visit one of countless UMass graduates thanks to "late night menus" at hundreds of eateries across America.

UMass graduates dominate America's culinary fast food industry

Unfortunately, even though they have easy access to "Happy Meals", few UMass graduates or students are actually happy people. Again, due to deep-rooted anger and inferiority towards those in the collar-up community, UMass students tend to become agitated very easily.

Recently, a UMass student was stabbed in the neck following a fashion show at an on-campus ballroom in front of 700 people. Although your superiors consider things as fashion shows very "collar up" events, it seems the wretched inhabitants of Amherst cannot act civilized even for something as social as a fashion show. Fortunately, UMass police were able to use pepper-spray to ensure the stabbing didn't precipitate a major riot.

Speaking of riots, it is impossible to discuss UMass without the 'R' word. I remember sitting in front of the fire at Stately Pinhead Manor after the Red Sox lost to the Yankees in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS and was stunned to see several UMass students returning to their neanderthalic tendencies.

Though I was equally upset at the results of that ballgame, I was more inclined to throw my Cristal in the fireplace than throw a Chrysler at a police officer as I saw many UMass students doing on my television. While some may blame alcohol, upper class types like your superiors will always find blame in their shameful upbringing and the fact that they were not raised in a privileged way such as the members of the 'Nation.

A UMass celebration without a riot is like a UMass student without a sub-500 SAT Score

As America's Team prepares to use UMass as a tune-up for the Hockey East championships in two weeks, be advised that all collar-ups should park their imported cars far away from the Dodge Darts and Chevy Nova's sporting UMass stickers on their back windows. Though a victory is impossible for UMass fans, a night of lighting fires and burning cars is equally satisfying for the great unwashed of Amherst.

Collar Up.

- DW