Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Operation: Glowstick

There is nothing like autumn on the grounds at Stately Pinhead Manor. As the hired help works to drain the pool and take the 280-foot Neorion out of the slip, your superiors eagerly await the onset of the foliage season. With a crisp chill in the air, it is clear that we are only mere weeks away from our trees showing brilliant shades of orange, red, and yellow with brightness rivaling gang colors displayed nightly on "do-rags" throughout U.Mass-Lowell's campus.

Early on Tuesday morning, the paper arrived and within the sports page a strange story caught our eyes. It explained how the NCAA and Boston University were working to clean the foul mouths of the thousands of great unwashed who attend BU hockey games at EggAnus Arena in Boston. Between painting their haglike faces, dancing together like waiters at the Ramrod and idosyncratic adults waving Boston U. flags, the 2,200 or so hardcore Terrier fans embarrass themselves nightly. They show their pride and their plebeian class most by chiding the opposition with foul language, racial epithets, and curse-laden chants displaying their inferiority complex for all to see.


Sensing an ulterior motive by BU's President Robert Brown, the people you wish you were commissioned one of our drones to pretend to be a BU student. Donning an ersatz turban and a fabricated hatred for America, our menial vassal aimed to infultrate the diverse aggregate of late teens and twenty-somethings hailing from Parts Unknown and having nothing in common except a Boston College rejection letter.

After ten days working deep undercover sharing Falafel with the raffish outside the George Sherman Union and witnessing illicit opium sales inside the barren Gerald Tsai Fitness Center, our inbedded operative uncovered a plot that went right to the top of BU's administration. It was referred to as "Operation: Glowstick".

With the construction of the EggAnus Arena, hundreds of bandwagon BU coeds traded in their burkas and Lane Bryant lifetime shopper cards for hockey jerseys and stopped frequenting Landsdowne Street in favor of hockey games. When the "paunch princesses" stopped coming, so did the men and hundreds of square feet of dance floor and thousands of unused glowsticks and Xtacy pills caused alarm among club owners.

At a secret meeting in a private room inside the Hotel Commonwealth, several BU trustees met with nightclub owners and made a clandestine pact to drive their students back to the nightclubs and away from EggAnus Arena. "Operation: Glowstick" aimed to force students out of the arena and back to Landsdowne street in three phases or what they called "The 3 F's". Those F's being "Foul mouths", "fat people", and "foreigners". By banning the 3 F's from EggAnus Arena, the reasoning was all three sets, comprising of 99% of BU's student body, would return to the clubs and things would return to normal.

Clearly, with the news breaking regarding vulgarity at hockey games would not be tolerated, Boston University's "Operation: Glowstick" was underway. According to a secret missive obtained by our operative, phase two of the plan, the banning of fat people from EggAnus Arena was merely weeks away. Without the means to eliminate these "chunky canines" publicly, Boston University has chosen to make it difficult for any student owning his/her own gravitational pull to tolerate the physical changes to the arena.

If "Operation: Glowstick" succeeds, fans like this will be forced back to Landsdowne Street where amorous BU students will once again decide whether to have sex with this crack or rent a mule and take the burrow ride down it.

By 2008, all escalators and elevators will be removed from the arena and fans weighing over 300 lbs. will be blackballed from jumbotron appearances during "kiss cam" and "bark like a Terrier" promotions. At the concession stands, fans will no longer be able to order a side of grease and asking for a "cup of fudge" to dip their chicken fingers in will no longer be offered.

BU officials hope coeds will abandon "cross checks" for "Chalupas" and "Beanpots" for "Bean Burritos".

Seating at the rink will be changed by replacing the existing 72" seats and replaced with 32" seats under the guise of increasing attendance. People who can't fit into the much smaller seats will be required to purchase two seats together allowing for the arm rest in between to slide inside the cavernous crack of the patron's backside.

In case this strategy fails, school officials have enlisted a campus restaurant to help their cause. Starting in 2009, Taco Bell on Commonwealth Avenue will offer a new "Tickets for Tacos" campaign where any unused Terrier hockey ticket can be exchanged prior to gametime for all you can eat double-decker tacos and a free "Choco Taco".

With those BU fans who need their mouths washed out with soap and those who can't keep anything out of their mouths eliminated from the equation, the last piece of the puzzle are those undergrads who represent the largest sector of the BU population, those from lands far, far away.

Boston University is a school that has embraced the fact that the majority of their student body hails from overseas. It was an early fear that they would abandon their culture for the raffish hobbies of the BU students who attend the school due to the fact that their application to Boston College was declined.

Considering many of the students from Europe, Asia, or the Middle East tend to come from families with money, it is imperative that this demographic spend their money at the clubs rather than the rink. Clearly the most important of the "3 F's", BU has chosen the tactic of fear to keep them out of EggAnus Arena.

When BU fans are asked to "show their red ATM cards", foreign students will be asked to show their "green cards" or face expulsion. Rather than face embarrassment, the hope is many will avoid the arena and head to Landwdowne Street where all you can eat Kashi and women without burkas await.

Foreign students quickly invaded EggAnus Arena,much to the chagrin of BU officials.

According to our inbedded associate, no timetable has been set for the completion of this covert operation. To avoid word of the plan leaking out to BU alums, BU Trustees and club owners are forbidden from visiting any local Wendy's Restaurants where several BU graduates earn employment. With phase one of this plan already in the works, only time will tell when those obese or foreign fans will ultimately meet the same fate as their foul-mouthed bretheren.

In an effort to drive students from BU's School of Engineering out of EggAnus Arena, the University has brought in one of their "old friends" from the homeland.

Collar Up.


At 3:57 PM, Anonymous John Cougar said...


Better than Bon Jovi

At 10:16 AM, Blogger Jeekers Cripe said...

When it comes to public obscenity, Pinhead Nation wrote the book. BU needs to take some lessons from the "Dean of Obscene".

At 7:45 AM, Anonymous David Lee Roth said...

Van Halen SUCKS


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