March Dorkness

I was beeped in the middle of a meeting asking if I had turned in my NCAA basketball bracket. Needless to say, your superiors have far more important things to do than dilly-dally around such a plebeian activity. Nonethless, we have arrived at the time of the year of the "self-appointed" sports expert.

Whether your Boston College degree has landed afforded you a plum job or if you attended a "school" like U.Mass and you spend your days working on a ladder with a paint bucket in your hand, the ritual of filling out a "bracket" is unavoidable. The one constant among all classes of employment is the imbecile who claims to "know it all" and takes his bracket more serious than his grotesque physical appearance.


With his weekend nights free to study the brackets, "sports geek" is thrilled when his predicted "upset" comes to fruition.

Finding this mental defect is quite easy and shouldn't take a better set of people such as ourselves to point him out. Many middle-class types partake in office brackets and most do so to earn some extra cash or some other minimal spoil. Unfortunately, for the "office idiot", the random act of picking victorious collegiate teams is life and the rest (family, bathing, etc) are just details.

In case you are struggling to locate this individual, many tell-tale indicators are obvious even to the most dunderheaded Lowell graduate. The first hint is how defensive he appears when his 'picks' are questioned, though he is likewise quick to chortle at the picks of his peers. He laughs at your Final Four picks while using ignorant phrases such as "Team X's has no guard play" or "Team Y has no big man". Sadly, the only "big man" this person knows about is the potbellied fool in the mirror who would only be at a healthy weight if he were on the moon.


Pinhead Nation reminds Bostonians that with this weekend's Hockey East finals in town, local hotels will once again be filled with a rash of uncivilized rurals from Maine and New Hampshire.

Before the people you wish you were continue, its important to comprehend the genesis of this person. He is likely a fleshy fellow who claims to have a special knowledge of college basketball although he has never played competitive hoops in his sad life. Since those who can, play, and those who can't, talk, years of being picked over on the playground has driven his competitive spirit (read: low self-esteem) to claim a "higher knowledge" of a sport he really has little concept about.

Being barren of any physical ability to speak of, this person likely scratches his competitive itch sitting at a card table playing poker or preparing to "own" his likewise socially retarded chums at fantasy baseball. When March rolls around, though, his 'expertise' is squarely aimed at NCAA Basketball. He proudly boasts the tournament game upsets he correctly guessed at while telling anyone he encounters of "his" Final Four, ignorant of the fact that his audience couldn't care less.


These social invalids can be found in big cities or the smallest of towns.

Fortunately for those experiencing this annual trauma, this person is usually a short-term problem. The good news for those afflicted with such an addle-pate at the office, he will eventually grow silent. As the teams he "wisely" picked are vanquished faster than the time it takes for a Boston University student to throw his turban on ice after a rare BU player's hat trick, in time, he will pick up the phone and call his pals to set up their next commiserable Poker game.

Collar Up.