Thursday, December 22, 2005

Have Yourself a Very Pennant-less Baseball Season

Just when you thought it was safe to visit the world's largest sewer located 209 miles south of Boston proudly donning a Red Sox cap, the Old Towne Team has proven once again that the phrase "laughable" is best followed by the words "Boston Red Sox".

Like a Boston University coed hastily obliterating the contents of a Krispie Kreme box with complete disregard to human decency, the Red Sox' triple serving of thickheadedness is likewise emptying the roster of the 2004 World Champions.

Sox Stooges Jed "Mo"-yer, "Larry" Lucchino, and Ben "Curly"-ington do their part to revive the glory days of the Lou Gorman era on Yawkey Way.

The latest chapter in Boston baseball's mirthful existence is their response to losing the very overrated Johnny Damon to the "official team of yesteryear", the NY Yankees. After it was announced, by Damon himself on Boston television, that the centerfielder was going to the unofficial safe haven for the "dead beat dad", Red Sox' President Larry Lucchino went out of his way to tell the media that there was no deal since the Yankees hadn't officially announced it.

Less than 30 minutes later during the same press conference, Theo Epstein wannabe and baseball incompetent co-GM Jed Hoyer later admitted that he had heard from the Yankees the night before of the free agent signing. While Red Sox Nation feels about as flat as the chest of a U.Maine hockey player's adolescent gal pal, it should be noted that this disaster has been in full flight since Halloween.

$13 million for four years will make Yankees fans cry when they realize their new center fielder's arm is so weak he needs both of them to privately satisfy himself.

The day his contract was set to expire as Red Sox General Manager, Theo Epstein chose to "give it the old quit" and instead of trading ballplayers, the lifelong Sox fan decided he'd rather make goo-goo eyes at the lead singer of a mid-level Seattle rock and roll band. Where else but in the offices at Fenway Park could a popular GM quit his job minutes before literally leaving the park in a gorilla suit on his way to a Halloween party.

Despite the dour ongoings at Fenway Park this winter, Christmas at nearby Boston University remains a festive and joyous time.

Since the post-Theo days, the Red Sox have watched everyone except the guy who cleans the human residue off the Hobey Baker trophy at the Jason Krog shrine in Durham, NH turn down an opportunity to interview for the vacated GM job. While Theo's former office remained empty, the Red Sox chose to trade their best prospect for a pitcher whose shoulder is held together with scotch tape. Days after trading their shortstop of the future in Hanley Ramirez, it only makes sense in the world of Boston baseball to trade the incumbent in Edgar Renteria who hours after the trade was referred to as "Gone-eria".

Your superiors can only surmise what will happen next. As a matter of fact, with all the new faces who will wear the red stockings this spring, one of the few Red Sox players left from 2004 is the one who wants to be here the least in Manny Ramirez. Considering the asute nature of the Boston braintrust, the chances of Manny being traded for a quality player are as likely as Pat Morita and Nipsey Russell showing up on your doorstep on Christmas Eve to sing "Here Comes Santa Claus".

It could be worse, Sox fans, you could be this guy (or even worse, a U.Mass Lowell graduate).

Your superiors at Pinhead Nation wish our fellow glitterati a few collar-up Christmas.

Collar Up.



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