Thursday, December 01, 2005

Something Old and Something B(l)U(e)

Joe Paterno gives BU fans hope.

You've heard the comparisons before. Jack Parker is a classless, drunk version of JoePa. They've both lost it. They both should have retired long ago. The game has passed them by.

But this year these statements have proven to be false. Well... half false.

It's been an amazing season for Penn State football. They are a last-second Michigan touchdown away from being undefeated and in the national title mix. The old ball coach has risen from the ashes to return the old ball club to past glory. This return to glory at Penn State is real. And even though our Eurotrash friends down at the disgusting part of Comm Ave don't have a football team of their own to root for (American football anyhow), they've been watching college football and Penn State and see a reason for optimism in their once proud hockey program.

But that's where it all ends. Quickly reality slaps them in the face like a pimp slapping his hooker on the sidewalk in front of Warren Towers. And then it sinks in for the fans that couldn't get into Boston College. BU sits at 4-5-1 overall through a fairly easy schedule (RPI, Lowell x 2, UMass Amherst), with the reaper coming.

This weekend, they will stare face to face with the team they wish they were. And aside from selling out his players in the papers to cover up his pathetic recruiting and player development, there's nothing "Jack and Choke" can do to keep the downward spiral from happening. Like a portion of feculent waste that swirls the bowl before finally disappearing into oblivion, BU's hockey demise has exhibited a slower death than a moribund alzheimer's patient who overdoses on Viagra in hopes it will rekindle "the good ole' days".


Each game, Coach Parker's positive attitude and gregarious personality has his Terriers pumped and ready to return BU to its days of glory.

Like a lunatic standing in a traffic rotary yelling at cars, Parker will kick and scream while his team fails. It will be the ref's fault. It will be the puck's fault. It will be the fans' fault for only filling up half of their new 6,000 seat arena. It'll be the band's fault. But you can be sure in his own mind, it isn't HIS fault. Nope. Never. He'll berate officials. He'll bench players. But it's all just a circus sideshow to distract the few English speaking people that are watching from the main attraction from the student section. Truth be told, over the last decade, Kenmore Community College has gone from a perennial power and the best program in the east, to a has-been and the fourth best team in Hockey East.

So we raise our flumes to you, Penn State. We pop our collars to your football season and for giving BU fans a glimmer of hope during a hopeless situation. If you can actually get your arms around one of them, give a BU fan a hug today as they certainly need it.

As outlined above, it still SUX2BU. The worst BU fans of all are the "QueerEyefortheBUguys" who sit in the front of the BU student section and jump up and down and hug their male friends when BU scores a goal. After witnessing this phenomenon, it's clear that poor BU forward Brad Zancanaro won't the only one who will "get a high stick in the crease" on game night.


Due to fear of STD's among the student population, Boston University made it mandatory for BU fans to "wear protection" before jumping and hugging eachother after the rare BU goal.

The jumping and hugging by the male BU students has become a tradition at BU. Just like the fat, slightly-retarded, hairy ape named "Sasquatch" that takes his shirt off to get BU fans' minds off the fact that they hold a degree that we use as coasters at our yacht club. If you've been watching lately, you'd know that the Sasquatch tradition is on its way out. Quite frankly, we're worried that another pathetic BU tradition is in danger of becoming extinct as well (don't fret, BU students, fifth-year sophomore Khalid Karwari's "Kashi and Keg Cavalcade" in Shelton Hall is still alive and strong), we're talking about hockey recruiting.


"The Kashi and Keg Cavalcade" at BU allows students to blow off steam and "drop some trou" after enduring another failed hockey campaign.

It's December and another BU recruiting class is well on its way on the road to underachievement. Although loaded with young offensive firepower, once again, Jacko has somehow managed to turn a talented group into a class that couldn't score in a monkey whorehouse with a bag full of bananas. With almost 10 straight underachieving and overrated recruiting classes coming into Baghdad University, the Derrieres find themselves in fine company in the scoring department once again. BU's 2.62 goals per game average is 7th in Hockey East. The only ones who score less than BU are Northeastern, Merrimack, and that Pakistani kid with psoriasis who sits in the back of BU's "English for Hindus" class while stashing skin flakes in his turban.

It seems that BU students haven't been getting hugs as a result of the low scoring offense and their inability to convince any girls under 300 lbs to go out with them. So, we at Pinhead Nation implore you all to have a heart. Give a BU student fan a hug today. They badly need it. DISCLAIMER: Pinhead Nation is not responsible for the contraction of any STDs or head lice from hugging BU fans.


Dateless and without the burden of wearing deodorant, the BU hockey fan is living proof of what can happen to a high school student if he doesn't take his S.A.T.s seriously.

While we're on BU recruiting classes, it reminds the people you wish you were how extraordinary the freshman class is over at America's Team. BC's dynamic duo of Brock Bradford and Nathan Gerbe have combined for 8 goals already this year, 3 of those being game-winners. BU's Terrible Trio (realize we're giving BU an extra player while comparing 2 vs. 3 players here) of Brandon Yip, Chris "Crosby" Higgins, and Jason "Drury who?" Lawrence have combined for 5 goals. And only 1 of those 5 goals were game-winning goals. The stud of the class, Lawrence has a whopping 1 goal to his name so far. Welcome to the Terrier hockey, Jason! Another great recruiting class for BU. Remember, you can't spell B-U-S-T without "B-U."

Look on the bright side BU fans, the 2nd Monday in February is almost here, so the season is almost over!

Collar Up.

- Mav

40 Comments:

At 6:25 PM, Anonymous bill branch said...

Nice job.

 
At 2:23 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Good thing you guys wear your collars up. I hear it can get mighty chilly in Boise in December.

Any truth to the rumor that BC actually asked to go to Boise since they know their program has no hope of ever winning any game of any sort of significance?

 
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Hey Chris! How's that football program of yours doing down at KKK?

 
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