Pinhead Nation's Back To School Special

The feeling in the air is unmistakable. Around the perfectly manicured campus in Chestnut Hill, MA, wide-eyed incoming freshmen realize that a lifetime of academic preparation has paid off as they've finally arrived at Boston College. Their parents, distinguished collar-ups from the upper echelons of the American patriciate, beam with pride as their children take a ponderous step towards gilt-edged status by gaining admission to America's Best University.

Across New England, less fortunate students are also beginning their collegiate careers, but unlike those embarking on the road to elitism at Boston College, these students are beginning a four-year "road to nowhere". Due to slow academics or familial destitution, these future stable sweepers were unable to gain admission to BC and find themselves left to attend one of several remedial institutions that dot the northeast corridor like syphilitic blemishes on the face of a Lowell prostitute.

At the raffish end of Commonwealth Avenue, hundreds of "Eurotrash to English" translators await the annual arrival of European guttersnipe to Boston University's freshman class. Those fortunate students who successfully manipulate the Patriot Act can look forward to four years of dancing on Landsdowne Street and wondering what happens on Saturday afternoons in the fall at BU's Nickerson Field.


The United States Immigration and Naturalization Service's alert level is always raised in August as several illegal immigrants annually attempt to sneak into the U.S. by hiding in the luggage of incoming Boston University freshmen from overseas.

Those BU incoming freshmen that do actually call America their homeland will spend a different psychological odyssey over their next four years. Despite dreaming of the day they would walk the chestnut tree-laden grounds at BC, academic or economic infirmities denied them their aspirations and left them to rely on their "safety school" option. Unfortunately, for most of these dullards, getting so close to a dream only to see it snatched away leads BU students to display irrational hatred towards Boston College and the future world-leaders who attend it.


For unsuspecting BU freshmen males, dealing with the raging hormones of horny BU coeds will be their greatest challenge.

For many students, leaving for college represents the first time they will be away from home. While BC freshmen have become acclimated to living elsewhere due to spending time at the family's vacation homes in Aspen or Nantucket, for many who attend state colleges, leaving their hovels for the first time can be a tremendously emotional experience.


Despite high levels of radon in recent years at the University of New Hampshire's Stoke Hall, freshmen live together in a communal atmosphere designed to foster togetherness and memorize UNH chants to be yelled at future hockey games.

Usually within the first few days, especially at a subpar university, the first bout of homesickness sets in. Despite the fact that some students are enjoying freedom for the first time and those at UMaine or UNH are taking their maiden voyage in flushing an indoor toilet, memories of home usually make the days long. To combat the anticipated feeling of a freshman's yearning for the homeland, most schools offer freshman orientation and other enjoyable sops to take their minds off of how morose their existence actually is.


During "move in weekend" at Boston University, the first 100 students to arrive on campus will win valuable prizes. This year's package includes a sodomized Jack Parker Bobblehead doll, a year's worth of Kashi, the "Techno Dome 9" CD, and the NY Times best seller "So You Didn't Get Into Boston College..."

The Beginning of another school year and the arrival of thousands of new students places a lot of pressure on the University's police force, especially at poor colleges who have to rely on untrained security staff rather than trained law enforcement officers. When introducing alcohol to first year college students, trouble usually ensues as many are experiencing cheap beer for the first time. Again, the lack of a taste for a fine glass of 1787 Chateau Margaux can make first-time drinking an adventure. In places like U.Mass-Lowell, where years of drinking rubbing alcohol has created an iron-fist tolerance, criminal problems are less alcohol-related and more to do with drugs and prostitution. Regardless of the reason, new students at substandard schools will likely experience crime for the first time not long after their arrival on campus.


At Merrimack College, the beginning of the fall semester represents an opportunity for ex-convicts to attend college and earn a worthless degree. Those ex-cons convicted of violent crimes can earn community service time by agreeing to play for the Warriors' hockey program.

Despite the anxiety of attending college, spending four years at the proper institution can be the best time in the life of a future collar-up. When your superiors said goodbye to our Prep School chums and embarked on our era at Boston College, we knew it was necessary for our intellectual and social enrichment. For the elite who will be attending America's Best College in Chestnut Hill, your superiors wish you well. For the rest of you, take a few moments as you stroll towards your first mediocre class and ask yourself what went wrong.

To the incoming class at Boston University, consider your time there as an extension of high school, albeit a high school in Beirut or Baghdad. To those academic mongoloids who are forced to attend a state school, your superiors only hope that you don't ingest too much bong-water or Vicks Formula 44D for a quick buzz that could potentially impair your eventual career as a toll-taker or travelling carnival employee.


In Amherst, University of Massachusetts graduate students prepare campus bus stops for the beginning of the school year.

Collar Up.

- DW