A Worthless Degree is the Mother of Unemployment

Greetings, inferiors. We realize it's been a little while since our last missive, but important business overseas arose that prevented the people you wish you were from our biweekly chats.

While returning over the pond in our Gulfstream V, I happened upon an invitation to the commencement of T. Fidler Rothchild's eldest son, Preston who was receiving his sheepskin from Boston College later this week. Preston is a delightful chap who had developed quite a taste for Davidoff Millennium Churchill cigars while polishing his burgeoning collar-up skills at school. Failure to attend Preston's commencement and the brannigan following the ceremony would be the social faux pas equivilent of wearing a sweatshirt to our polo club.

As our jet approached our home shore, it dawned upon your superiors that, although intellectually and socially superincumbent than most, there are those who lack the aristocratic wherewithall to receive a degree from a world-class institution as Boston College. Fortunately, there are subjacent universities that are happy to cater to the socially underdeveloped and financially destitute so even the feebleminded stupes of the world can experience a commencement ceremony.

For uncultured students at schools such as Boston University, Northeastern, or any of the four-year state run glorified high schools in the area, a diploma from one of these boorish institutions is hardly preparation for a financially rewarding career. Awaiting these louts following commencement is a life's worth of digging swimming pools, making change at interstate tollbooths, or endless hours of making outbound telemarketing phone calls.


"Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, four years in Lowell does not upset us.."

At Boston University, Afghan President Hamid Karzai addressed graduates this weekend and promised BU's newest alumni that with the crackdown on terrorism and the country's strive towards democracy, that it is safe for them to return home and help rebuild their homeland. Karzai concluded his remarks by disclosing his secret ingredients for his family recipe for Qabeli Palau and Afghan Kadu Bouranee, followed by a night of dancing on Landsdowne Street.


Karzai's address pleaded with BU's graduates to return home to Afghanistan where endless taxi driving jobs await them.

Across town at Northeastern, where due to genetic mutations, NU administators give students five years to complete their four year degree, Vice Admiral and US Surgeon General Richard Carmona gave the key note address at NU's graduation ceremony. Carmona, used to instructing the nation on its health and well-being, undoubtedly was invited to Northeastern to warn graduates of the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse.


NU's valedictorian reacts to the news that he no longer will be forced to watch his school in the Beanpot.

For the most part, your superiors understand that graduation day represents the end of a long road and at the same the time the beginning of another. It is for this reason that we stress the importance of not settling for a raffish, unacceptable college and earning a degree synonymous with McDonald's Gift Certificates.

Your superiors at Pinhead Nation congratulate all of this year's graduates and for those fortunate upper crusts in Chestnut Hill, flip your collars up and pop open some bubbly. For those at BU, NU, or the UMass's, drop us a resume, we are always looking for eager landscapers.

Collar Up.

- DW