Sunday, May 22, 2005

A Worthless Degree is the Mother of Unemployment

Greetings, inferiors. We realize it's been a little while since our last missive, but important business overseas arose that prevented the people you wish you were from our biweekly chats.

While returning over the pond in our Gulfstream V, I happened upon an invitation to the commencement of T. Fidler Rothchild's eldest son, Preston who was receiving his sheepskin from Boston College later this week. Preston is a delightful chap who had developed quite a taste for Davidoff Millennium Churchill cigars while polishing his burgeoning collar-up skills at school. Failure to attend Preston's commencement and the brannigan following the ceremony would be the social faux pas equivilent of wearing a sweatshirt to our polo club.

As our jet approached our home shore, it dawned upon your superiors that, although intellectually and socially superincumbent than most, there are those who lack the aristocratic wherewithall to receive a degree from a world-class institution as Boston College. Fortunately, there are subjacent universities that are happy to cater to the socially underdeveloped and financially destitute so even the feebleminded stupes of the world can experience a commencement ceremony.

For uncultured students at schools such as Boston University, Northeastern, or any of the four-year state run glorified high schools in the area, a diploma from one of these boorish institutions is hardly preparation for a financially rewarding career. Awaiting these louts following commencement is a life's worth of digging swimming pools, making change at interstate tollbooths, or endless hours of making outbound telemarketing phone calls.

"Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, four years in Lowell does not upset us.."

At Boston University, Afghan President Hamid Karzai addressed graduates this weekend and promised BU's newest alumni that with the crackdown on terrorism and the country's strive towards democracy, that it is safe for them to return home and help rebuild their homeland. Karzai concluded his remarks by disclosing his secret ingredients for his family recipe for Qabeli Palau and Afghan Kadu Bouranee, followed by a night of dancing on Landsdowne Street.

Karzai's address pleaded with BU's graduates to return home to Afghanistan where endless taxi driving jobs await them.

Across town at Northeastern, where due to genetic mutations, NU administators give students five years to complete their four year degree, Vice Admiral and US Surgeon General Richard Carmona gave the key note address at NU's graduation ceremony. Carmona, used to instructing the nation on its health and well-being, undoubtedly was invited to Northeastern to warn graduates of the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse.

NU's valedictorian reacts to the news that he no longer will be forced to watch his school in the Beanpot.

For the most part, your superiors understand that graduation day represents the end of a long road and at the same the time the beginning of another. It is for this reason that we stress the importance of not settling for a raffish, unacceptable college and earning a degree synonymous with McDonald's Gift Certificates.

Your superiors at Pinhead Nation congratulate all of this year's graduates and for those fortunate upper crusts in Chestnut Hill, flip your collars up and pop open some bubbly. For those at BU, NU, or the UMass's, drop us a resume, we are always looking for eager landscapers.

Collar Up.

- DW


At 11:55 AM, Anonymous Tom Schleuter (N. Adams, MA) said...

Bravo! Another great blog from the great Pinhead Nation. You guys always seem to get me laughing my ass off. Keep it up, me and my buddies at the office are loyal readers to your blog.

At 3:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would read this for thye vocabulary alone if the wit and touching emotional nuances weren't also equally cativating....
Thanks, Verity

At 3:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

...sorry...I meant to say "captivating"... no wonder
I am a plebeian and not "whom I wished I were"!

At 3:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just feel like crying myself to sleep tonight now that I realize how truly inferior I am. Reading your blog created the right conditions for an epiphany the strength of which I have never before experienced! The breakthrough in my thinking made me realize that I shall NEVER obtain the lofty intellectual heights so effortlessly accessed by your "collars up" crew. I am embarassed to admit that I initially held out the hope that I might not only "ape" my betters (you fine gentlemen)but actually blend in with you via well-chosen clothing and a flipped-up polo shirt collar. Oh how absurdly imbecilic I have been! It is a kind of ungodly self-torture.....
this ridiculous assuption I made that I might actually walk in the same hallways as you, breathe the same air, eat similar (but obviously, for the sake of hygiene, different) brioche as you.
Oh what folly I allowed myself to participate in! My embarassment is as enormous as your delicious lexicon, as deep as your understanding of the profundity of Gilles Deleuze's treaty on the filmic stragem known as "the crystal image". Indeed, it is crystal-clear to me that I am an utterly moronic waste of space that should spend eternity regretting thatI am not you. I shall not wallow in self-pity however as that would be morally wrong. There is an excellent and crucial reason WHY I am not you (though I cannot help but be devastated every minute out of every day that I am {tragically} NOT YOU. The reason of course is that I don't deserve to be you, and certainly my non-blue blooded mother did not deserve to have any "Guggenheim"/"Kennedy"-type offspring. Landed gentry does not spawn the Chartered Accountants and BBC secretaries that make up my family tree. Thank you again for providing me with what we ludites call "a learning opportunity", ie: an opportunity to realize how truly inferior I am to the fine community of "collars up" patrons that I so admire and respect!
Yours humbly (and a bit pathetically as well),
Verity Heap


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