Thanks, Beautiful.

Each morning before beginning another lucrative day, your superiors peruse the sports pages throughout the land to see how folks in cities that don't win championships are getting by. While reading the Chicago Tribune this morning, I chuckled upon reading about the struggles of former Red Sox trainwreck and current Cub Nomar Garciaparra.

Nomar, the former Orleans Cardinal and Georgia Tech Yellowjacket, is hitting .163 this morning after another outstanding 0-5 effort last night in Pittsburgh. Though Garciaparra is hitting cleanup for Chicago, he finds himself this morning tied with myself in homeruns with zero and has knocked in just 4 RBI. E6-aparra's power numbers are about as lively as Mickey Mantle's liver these days as his slugging percentage is a laughable .184.


Nomar's Miserable Disposition Was a Welcome Subtraction to the 2004 Red Sox Clubhouse.

It seems like just yesterday the Red Sox had to deal with this human raincloud and his testiculette wife Mia Hamm. Since being hit on his favorite wrist in a game and missing most of the 2001 season, Nomar has blamed everyone from the Boston Red Sox to the Boston Pops for his diminishing stats. Claiming the Red Sox management was floating rumors that he was milking an achilles heel injury that occurred in an offseason soccer game, Garciaparra's daily scowl was as expected as the morning sunrise.


Mia Hamm and Yoko Ono Will Forever Be Known as Women Who Ruined Their Husband's Careers.

Upon his return to the Sox lineup in June, 2004, Nomar decided it was in his best interest to threaten Boston's management by claiming he would need to spend significant time on the disabled list in August due to his nagging achilles. Finally, refusing to be held captive by a man whose nose would make Pinocchio blush, the Sox cut the cord.

On a wonderful Sunday afternoon in July, 2004 the overrated waste product and his "beautiful" husband Mia were shipped to the place where World Series' crowns go to die in Cubbie Land, USA. Upon his arrival at the "House That Henry Rowengartner Built", Garciappara immediately declared to the world, contrary to what he told the Red Sox, that he was 100% healthy and ready to contribute to the Cubs' (chuckle) playoff run.


Nomar and Mia Left Boston For Good on July 31, 2004

Despite his proclamations of outstanding health, Garciaparra did, in fact, find himself on the disabled list in August and missed 15 games for Chicago. Not surprisingly, in his absence, the Cubs flourished and appeared to be a shoe-in for the playoffs. Although they could not catch St. Louis for the divisional crown, the wildcard was seemingly theirs until the man with the big nose and weak arm returned to the Cubs lineup.


Cubs fans, as usual, strike a depressed pose when October rolls around.

With Nomar back, the Cubs bottomed out and finished the season by winning just twice in their last nine games to complete a late season Cubs collapse that was mind boggling even by their standards. Of many things, baseball is a game of statistics and trends. Is it a coincidence that Garciaparra's former team are World Champions today while his current team is going on 97 years without a championship?


The Red Sox Celebrated Nomar's Departure by Purchasing Some Jewelry, while the Cubs celebrated by wasting money on printing 2004 World Series Tickets

In the end, everything worked out perfect for the people you wish you were. The Boston Red Sox won it all, while Chicago's curse completed another sad and pathetic chapter. As Nomar toils around the Mendoza Line and the Cubs drift further and further away from the postseason, your superiors raise our flumes and celebrate that wonderful afternoon when Garciaparra packed his bags and left Beantown for the Winless City.

Collar Up.

- DW