Monday, April 04, 2005

"Bourque" and "Books" Don't Mix

While I was sitting by the fire finishing the last sip of a very outstanding Armagnac brandy, I received a call from a dear old friend informing me of big news out of Kenmore State College. It seems that freshman Chris "oveRAYted" Bourque, having already been feted by being named to Hockey East's All-Rookie Team, as well as a Beanpot Most Valuable Player Award, has once again achieved the remarkable. In the same breath as someone breaking the "3-minute mile" or the US Olympic Team's victory over the Soviets in 1980, Bourque had done the impossible: He managed to fail academically at Boston University and has dropped out.

Bourque, whose father excelled on the blue line, had trouble coloring within the lines as a freshman at Boston University.

This past Friday, Bourque left a crayon written note for senile BU coach Jack Parker which said "Me no like skool, I'm kwitting to play hockey in Canada near Santa Claus". Parker, seeing the note was unsigned, spent the next several hours trying to figure out its author since, considering its jargon, could have been any BU player. It finally dawned on Parker that it was the young Bourque who would be leaving.

Although Bourque had been seen as someone who could put BU hockey back on the map, the Cushing Academy "graduate", instead, joined former Terrier "academics" Scott King and Dan Lacouture in a bizarre "dimwit trinity" of feebleminded Boston U. hockey dropouts. Admitting he "wasn't a big fan of going to school and going to class", Bourque cleaned out his locker at the Egg-Anus Arena and joined the Moncton Wildcats of the QMJHL.

"Zero..Point..Zero, the lowest in Faber History"

News of Bourque's departure hit BU's student body hard as the school reports food lines in the cafeteria for "Palak Paneer" and "Dalchini Palau" entrees, usually 100 deep for hungry BU freshmen, have never been so empty. School officials also report several absences in Jai Alai matches throughout campus as well.

Perhaps the portion of the student body that Bourque's departure is hitting hardest is within the female population at Boston University. Once the news broke that the young and handsome Bourque was leaving, hundreds of BU beauties surrounded his dormatory and in a show of unity and admiration, all lit their mustaches on fire.

With Bourque gone, BU coeds have returned to dating one of the many camels roaming the BU campus

The bottom line is the 19 year-old Bourque struggled in a university whose valedictorian needs a tutor to find "Blue's Clues". Then again, perhaps it wasn't academics at all that failed Bourque. The truth may be that, like his father, Chris realized he would never win a championship in Boston and was forced to leave and seek victory elsewhere. Regardless, young Chris Bourque is leaving all three hundred Boston University hockey fans heartbroken and will now play in a Moncton program that, unlike BU, won't give academic credit for watching cartoons.

Bourque's girlfriend at BU, a former "Boink Magazine" Centerfold, couldn't convince Chris to stay in school

The 'Nation raises our glasses of brandy and wishes Chris Bourque well and hopes BU fans can find another famous NHL player's son to help fill seats in their soon to be White Elephant of a hockey rink.

Collar Up

- DW

(A reminder that the people you wish you were will be in Columbus, Ohio for the rest of the week and your favorite web-blog will return next Monday)


At 11:24 AM, Blogger Mutryn's non-throwing arm said...

Dear Pinhead-

Shortly after The (Almost)Greatest Team Ever Assembled was dispatched by Canadian savages wearing North Dakota garb in the wilderness of Worcester, myself and my loyal companion headed to PJ's in Kenmore to raise our pints to our fallen heroes. No sooner did we settle in a corner did we notice the stench of offal in our proximity. Gazing to my left, I could see through the fumes the trollish visage of Chris Bouque and his father, consuming bottom-shelf gin and what I assume is juice, with reckless abandon. Shortly thereafter, the lesser Bourque's "girlfriend" (for the month, week, hour, etc) had to be forcefully carried out by none other than the former Bruin legend. This was a difficult task for even Mr. Bourque as she made it a point to start groping objects of clothing not on her person upon her exit. This boorish behavior only forced us to make our auspicious escape, thankfully intact, to the safe haven of Brookline. My question to you is this some sort of NCAA violation? Little Bourque is only 19, I assume, and still seven BU semesters away from consuming his first legal libation... and if not, I can try to manufacture something to that effect.Is this the image of trash that BU tries to promote? Oh wait. "So collar down", as I look at my shoes and shake my head, "So collar down".

Concerned BCollar.

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