Sunday, March 06, 2005

Who is "Heimlich Nation?"

Over the years, your superiors have learned about several ersatz groups that have looked to imitate the success of people you wish you were by creating similar "societies", albeit without the collar-up status that your superiors enjoy. Imagine our surprise when the phone rang at Stately Pinhead Manor earlier today and one of our drones told us of a "secret society" eminating from, ironically, the University of New Hampshire.

After another epic collapse by UNH's hockey team that saw them fall down the stretch and allow America's Team to win their third consecutive Hockey East Championship, we surmised the spirits would be low in Durham, NH. The Univ. of New Hampshire hockey program's annual March collapse has become a rite of spring as expected as the arrival of spring and the melting of snow, but why and more important, how?

The subservient on my phone said there was a clandestine group calling themselves "Heimlich Nation" who believe in the philosophy of "collar tight". Although they make no claim to being superior (obviously), Heimlich Nation has made it their life's work to ensure that the history of UNH's hockey program is surrounded with failure.

Heimlich Nation's Official Logo has been seen throughout the UNH Campus

Wearing their collars "tight", these chaps secretly walk the campus of UNH and have vowed to continue the work done in the past by prior "Heimlich Nation" members Conklin, Haydar, Hemingway, and Ayers (names uncovered during Pinhead Nation investigation). Similarly clandestine, it is believed that Heimlich Nation initiates between 5-10 Canadians and a handful of twenty-something aged Americans annually who have vowed to ensure UNH's history of falling short is eternal. To date, no one has been able to discover any active members of this society, nor have they been able to locate their elusive leader known only as "the Whistler".

Members of Heimlich Nation maintain anonymity to protect their cause.

Their work is legendary and evidence of Heimlich Nation's influence is seen throughout UNH hockey history although most feel their greatest impact took place in 1999. Armed with solid goaltending, a Hobey Baker winner in Jason Krog, and several blue-collar types, it appeared UNH was finally poised to win its first Hockey East and National Championships.

No one is sure how they did it, but this secret society managed to deliver a pair of underachieving losses that put Heimlich Nation on the map. Heavily favored in the Hockey East final vs. America's Team, UNH fell 5-4 in overtime to BC due to the shoddy goaltending of Ty Conklin. Less than a month later and similarly favored in the NCAA Championship Game, Conklin again fell flat and UNH watched Maine win the National Championship.

"The Whistler", Heimlich Nation's Leader's True Identity Is Known Only to Its Members

Fingerprints of Heimlich Nation can be seen on an annual basis. From UNH's stunning 2000 NCAA loss to Niagara University, to their 2001 playoff ouster to U.Mass-Lowell, right up to the 2002 and 2003 Frozen Four debacles, Heimlich Nation's commitment to guarantee hockey futility is eternal. This year's collapse is just another tear drop in the ocean that is UNH's misery.

Fans of New Hampshire's hockey program are perpetual in their hopes that their school can someday win a National Title and shed their national reputation of annual chokers. Unfortunately, until the members of Heimlich Nation can be uncovered and ultimately stopped, it appears UNH's annual heartbreaking losses will continue.

UNH authorities have few leads in uncovering the identities of Heimlich Nation, but sources do say that this secret group with eventually be stopped. If you have any information about the identities of this society, please call UNH athletic director Martin Scarano at (603) BAD-LOSS immediately.

UNH Authorites believe this is Heimlich Nation's Secret Handshake (artist's sketch based on witness interviews)

Collar Up.

- DW


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