Friday, February 25, 2005

Mailbag Friday, 2/25

Well, here we are again at the end of another productive week for the people you wish you were. Although "Mailbag Friday" is normally a happy day, today your superiors have a heavy heart as I had to dismiss a long-time servant today. As you know, Stately Pinhead Manor and its surrounding grounds were hit, once again, with another foot of snow.

When my car arrived to take my to my office, my driver informed me that the expansive driveway had yet to be cleared by my snowplow driver. The driver, a servant of mine since he graduated with honors from Boston University, apparently was delayed by a phone call from the BU Athletics Department inploring him to purchase hockey tickets for this weekend's game vs. NU at the Egg-Anus Arena. It seems the school was becoming embarrassed by the fact that, even with a new arena, they still are unable to achieve a sell-out. Since he has now been fired, he should have plenty of time to jib-jab on the phone with the Arabian BU ticket office employee of his choice. I apologize if I appear irascible today, but it's always difficult to say good-bye to a faithful servant.

Anyhow, it's time, once again, to see what is in this week's mailbag. As you know by now, every Friday, we answer some of your questions and comments that you send to your superiors at our new email address at Let's see what we've got today.

Q- Johnny (Rhode Island) - Fellas, thanks for keeping me up to speed with all things I wish I could be. I need some advice. I recently received an invitation to a wedding to be held on the gorgeous grounds of Boston College. What should I wear so that I will truly look "collar up"? My girlfriend is a West Virginia alum...any advice for her as well?

A - Johnny, is this a joke? I'd love to answer your question, but I'm not sure it's feasible to truly be "collar up" with a WVU alum on your arm. I'll do what I can, but I'm afraid any advice I give you will be the equivilent of choosing the best Armani to put on a pig. If you are serious, please make sure you are wearing a Brooks Brothers 3-button tuxedo jacket so not to look like a complete gomeral. For your "lovely" girlfriend, please do your best to improve her social skills. For a wedding at Boston College, she will not be able to wear her overalls and for God sakes, make sure she takes the toothpick out of her mouth during the ceremony. Probably a good idea to make sure she puts her beer down while wedding photos are being taken, too. Also, the ceremony she'll witness at BC will be very different for her as no one will be drinking and the bride and groom will have different family trees. I wish you well, but your superiors have our concerns, and frankly, we are also quite chapfallen in you.

A lovely West Virginia sibling couple ties the knot

Q - Sharyn T (Bellingham, MA) - When you morons go to UNH next weekend, stay there. The hillbillies are always looking for some fresh meat. Can you squeal like a pig? It doesn't matter, you will be a quick learner. Oink, oink.

A - Sharyn, thanks for your advice. It sounds like you may have some experience in this field. Unfortunately, there is no reason for your superiors to stay in New Hampshire. Although we could probably purchase the entire state with our dividend income, I'm afraid I'd rather drink a glass of Cisco while smoking a White Owl and watching NASCAR then spend an entire evening in the Granite State. Come to think of it, a night like that for most New Hampshirites would be a night in paradise(provided there were a few "barnyard babes" present).

the evolution of the University of New Hampshire e-mailer, 1960-Present

Unfortunately, we are going to have to cut our email responses short this week. With the sudden opening in my landscaping staff after the dismissal of my snowplow driver, I'm sure I already have several voicemails from U.Mass-Lowell graduates dying for the opportunity. Like cockroaches to sugar, UML graduates can sense when an opening in the field of landscaping becomes available.

Collar Up.

- DW


At 2:22 PM, Blogger Murray said...

Hey Sharyn T,
Before your next inept attempt to demean your superiors, remember that Bellingham is one half step up from Woonsockett.


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