Wednesday, February 09, 2005

H-E-double hockey sticks

According to one of our many sources who, like you, look up to your superiors at Pinhead Nation, this was the scene deep in the bowels of the FleetCenter on Monday just before 8pm.

Hockey East referee Scott Hansen was about to take his pre-game skate before the first round Beanpot game between America's Team and Kenmore Community College. As Hansen prepared for the carnage about to ensue, he heard a whisper coming from just inside the BU locker room.

"Hey Scott", came the raspy voice of the senile Boston University coach Jack Parker. "I found this $100 bill, I'm pretty sure it fell out of your wallet". "Sorry, Jack, it isnt mine. I'm a referee for Hockey East so I haven't seen a hundred dollar bill in my entire life", responded the color-blind ref.

"Oh, I'm sure it is, and if you are willing to sell me your soul, you will see many, many hundred dollar bills", said Parker in a voice that was getting startlingly deeper and deeper. "Scott, you can have it all, fancy cars, homes on the beach, porn on demand...all you have to do is sign over your soul to me right now and you can live the life, outside of those bastards at Pinhead Nation, that one only dreams about."

Hansen, realizing his life was being wasted away being referred to as "a-hole" and being told to "open your eyes" by 18 year old drunken college kids decided to take Parker's offer, knowing the riches he enjoyed today will be paid for in hell for eternity later.

"Ok, coach, I'll do it, you can have my soul for eternity and I'll do whatever bidding you desire", exclaimed Hansen knowing working for the devil couldn't be worse than working for Hockey East Commissioner Joe Bertagna.

"Great.. GREAT!", yelled Parker who begin to laugh so fiendishly, it began to disturb his hockey players in the nearby locker room busy coloring and watching Harold and the Purple Crayon. "Scott, I will give you riches beyond your wildest dreams, but tonight, you must do everything in your power to bring me that Beanpot win". Hansen, realizing he was now looking at a life of getting free refills and being able to buy Super Unleaded gas, nodded in agreement.

Parker, cleverly hiding his horns behind his white hair, took his spot on the BU bench as the game against the Catholic hockey powerhouse Boston College began. While the action was played on the ice, Parker would shoot his steely eyes at Hansen and telepathically reminding him of the deal he made to ensure his minions on the ice brought home the victory.

When America's Team scored to take a 1-0 lead, Parker was so outraged, he covered his face as his reddening eyes were not to be seen on television. During a break in the action, he gestured to Hansen that his team wasn't good enough to beat BC on its merit, so it was time for his newly created servant for eternity take over.

With just over a minute left in the first period, Boston University forward John Laliberte, a BC reject, slid into the great Matti Kaltiainen, knocking them both into the net, along with the puck. Although this goal was illegal on many, many levels and never should have counted, Hansen was instructed by his paranormal leader to "review the play and see if it was actually a goal". When Hansen called up to the refs in the video room, the line was re-routed to Parker's cell phone who reminded him of the deal that was made prior to gametime.

Hansen immediately pointed to the middle of the ice and awarded the goal to Boston University, knotting the score at one.

As the second period began, Boston College was doing what they could to fight Boston University's legion of evil. When BC's Ryan Murphy almost scored on a puck that hit the post, Parker suggested to Hansen that BU needed powerplays. Immediately, Hansen whispering "yes, master", whistled Eagle Brian Boyle, who wisely turned down an offer to play at BU, and penalized the BC forward for coughing in the direction of Chris "oveRAYted" Bourque to give the Terriers a powerplay.

Soon later, Laliberte, still a BC reject, scored again to give Boston University an improbable 2-1 lead.

Armed with the lead, Parker admonished Hansen to keep calling penalties on BC to keep their high-powered offense on the bench and help keep their lead. With the game approaching its end, BU still held their 2-1 lead and Hansen kept his deal with Parker. Hansen, now beaming with the pride that comes with satisfying a master, continued to call penalties on Boston College until the final horn sounded and BU was victorious.

After the game, the BU players celebrated while Hansen found a brand new Porsche waiting for him in the parking lot. On the windshield was a note, obviously written in blood. On it was written a simple message:

"Dear Scott, thanks for your help tonight and thank you for your soul. Enjoy your new car. I'll be looking for you during the Hockey East playoffs and NCAA's for more 'help'.

ps- My brother, the anti-Christ, is the head coach of the UConn mens basketball program, if you know any Big East referees he should pay a visit to, please let me know.

Sincerely, The Supreme Darkness".

Upon hearing that story, we at Pinhead Nation were quite disturbed. No matter how sorry your life may be and how much you seek fortune and glory, your superiors do not condone selling your soul to receive a collar-up life. We at the 'Nation hope you choose wisely and do not take the easy road that Hansen took.

Collar Up

- DW


2 Comments:

At 1:35 AM, Blogger BC: Notre Dame for Idiots said...

Well, well nice job rationalizing. Perhaps the real reason you lost wasn't from a ref's spite, but from the spite of God. I know BC claims to be an upstanding Catholic (high) school, but when God looked down upon your band full of kids with braces and retainers (although they were the only BC students with Jerseys) playing a certain song he must have been disgusted. When the so called band, barely half the size of even the Harvard band (HU's only fans), began to play "Jesus Christ Superstar" God died a little inside. The blasphemy of it was obscene; God did not put men on Earth to field a hockey team that chokes in the big games. The result was due partly to karma and partly to a little thing BU mastered called puck control. Hey, another thing, I'd rather have the Prince of Darkness as my coach than a guy who can't count. Where did York go to school anyways, oh that's right...

 
At 10:21 AM, Blogger Pinhead Nation said...

Perhaps Coach Parker learned to master his counting skills by counting ex-wives?

 

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