Wednesday, January 19, 2005

"Leadfoot" Escapes and Presumed Dangerous

While sitting in my luxurious Pinhead Palace after a fine dinner of Filet Mignon, I had a call from my collar-up brother in law in South Carolina. "He escaped...he escaped...LeadFoot Caron has...escaped", he said as the phone went dead.

As the all-points-bulletin was issued throughout the Atlantic Coast region, I remembered back to how the sad and sordid tale of Ed "Leadfoot" Caron started and how a man went from collar-up to collar-down, back to collar-up, and sadly to collar-down once again.

Years ago, Ed Caron was a young man with a bright future. The Phillips-Exeter Academy student was excelling on the ice and in the classroom. A collar-up life awaited Mr. Caron as many prestigious universities inquired about his services. The world was his for the taking, but only if he chose wisely.
Ed Caron, circa 2001 (still collar up)

Unfortunately, due to years of living in the grimy wasteland that is Nashua, New Hampshire, Caron developed a taste for fast food, cheap clothes, and assumed the life that a minimum wage earning New Hampshire local lives. After toiling in a collar-down society, Caron shockingly chose to regress in his academic and hockey development by announcing he'd be turning down a chance to play for America's Team and play for the University of New Hampshire.

So off he went from living a life of "pheasant under glass with wine" to one of "Chicken McNuggets with fries", from relaxing in the library studying the works of "Plato" to sitting in UNH's Stoke Hall playing with "Play-dough". The die had been cast and for Caron, he has unknowingly taken his first step back in human evolution, a decision he would soon regret.

At UNH, Caron continued to excel in his academics. Being able to "color within the lines" quickly caught the eyes of several University of New Hampshire professors, who gave Caron extra work while the other students were at recess or at naptime.

On the ice, the burning sensation, originally thought to be a urethral infection caused by long nights with filthy UNH coeds, turned out to be aggression caused by knowing he had made a wrong turn in life. He become unusually aggressive and began to use his 6'2", 230 lbs. frame for evil. On a cold night in February, 2002, the night that most believe was the moment he finally snapped, Caron gave a nasty cheap shot to America's Team defenseman John Adams and sent the collar-upped d-man to the hospital.

After being ejected from that game, Caron, who had earned the nickname "Leadfoot" due to his dirty style of play, realized the err of his ways and made a decision. He knew that if he continued to live in his existing environment, he would cause irreparable harm to himself and those he loved. That day he decided to return to the world of the elite, flipped his collar up, and transferred to Yale University.

While at Yale, Caron once again enjoyed the privileged life of high society. Although he would have to sit out a year per NCAA rules and watch his new hockey team from the stands, Caron renewed his superior lifestyle and began to give himself a mental "delousing" of the previous year in Durham, New Hampshire.

Back at UNH, his former team played well without him and Caron wondered what life would have been like if he hadn't left. Like a virus, the memories of UNH and its dirty clientele invaded his body until he couldn't fight it any longer. Like so many great men who chose to take the easy route, Caron had become infected by the disease of a lower class of life, and could no longer fight the urge to listen to the "siren's song", also known as the whistling of coach Dick Umile.

In a decision that will go down as one of the most disturbing of anyone's lifetime, Leadfoot Caron, realizing he no longer fit in with a better class of people, walked away from Yale University. In one day, Caron chose to throw away his tuxedo for a flanel jacket and cancel his riding lessons for a game of beer pong. Caron decided he was going back to the University of New Hampshire.

Back at UNH, Caron, again, fell in with the wrong crowd. Instead of valedictorians and future presidents, Caron once again mingled with 30-something Canadian hockey players and future Dairy Queen Employees. He had thrown away a life of wealth for a life of welfare. Collar-ups throughout society were stunned at Caron's willing disregard for the class structure and were saddened that "Eddie" had turned into "Leadfoot". Once a gentle fellow who used his massive size to help carry old ladies across the street, had become a mentally-disturbed thug now using it for unspeakable evil.

Suddenly, something happened. The goodness that was now buried deep in a dark soul, began to show itself once again. The evil monster that Leadfoot had become began to show signs of escaping the scum-filled prison that was UNH and once again, Caron was freed. This time from an unlikely source.

Noticing the change that was happening to the once nice fellow from Hudson, NH, the Edmonton Oilers, who drafted him out of prep school, chose to sign Caron and save him before all his goodness was finally extinguished. Caron, now competely mentally unbalanced, was going back from "Eddie" to "Leadfoot" almost on a daily basis now. He summoned all his good sense and accepted Edmonton's offer to escape the Earthly hell that resided in Durham, NH.

Though the National Hockey League continued to be closed, due to a labor issue, Caron was sent to the ECHL to play for the Greenville Grrrowl in the very collar-down dump that is Greenville, South Carolina. Whether it was the return to a lower class of society or the reemergence of the monster created from the environment that nurtured him in New Hampshire, the beast returned. There in Greenville, "Leadfoot" began to show himself once again and fans of the Grrrowl began to see cheap shots and dirty play they hadn't seen in those parts since their ancestors fired on Fort Sumter.
Ed Caron, circa 2004 (now "Leadfoot")

After just 19 games, the good (but hillbilly) folks in Greenville had seen enough as the entire town lit torches and stormed the Grrrowl's front office. Rumors of "Leadfoot" Caron's firing began to circulate, but before he could be formally removed from the team, Leadfoot, seeing the massive civil unrest, escaped and is now on the run.

The former prep school socialite from Phillips Exeter had completely turned into something so evil, that residents of Greenville and surrounding counties are on 24-hour alert and have been warned that he is dangerous and likely psychotic.

Rumors of "Leadfoot sightings" have been noted throughout South Carolina, but few have been substantiated. Occasional photos have surfaced, but nothing that has led authorities to the any legitimate leads to capturing Leadfoot Caron. South Carolina police have set up a phone number to call for any leads and implore anyone seeing Caron to contact Detective Bellefeuille at 1-800-UNH-LOSS immediately.
Recent photo (proved not be Leadfoot, but a female UNH fan in line for standing room tickets).

Sadly, when that phone call came from my brother in law in South Carolina and told me Leadfoot was on the loose again, I was not surprised. A collar up who had thrown his life away to live with the lower class always leads to trouble. For Caron, we can only hope and pray he returns to normal life. I have instructed the hired help to say a prayer for Eddie and raise my flume, shake my head, and realize what could have been.

Collar Up.

- DW


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