Friday, December 31, 2004

2004, a very collar up year...

As the 'Nation bids adieu to 2004, we will remember it as one of the best in memory. Nights celebrating wonderful sporting events, the World Series, the Super Bowl, and the night Maine choked the national hockey championship game to Denver. Pinhead Nation hopes everyone, regardless of your inferior status, enjoyed 2004 as well.

If you're from Connecticut, we hope you earned significant return on your law suits, if you're from New Hampshire, we hope you became gainfully employed, and if you're from Maine or West Virginia, we hope you met that 'special someone' at this year's family reunion picnic. Anyhow, below is some interesting superlatives and tidbits that your superiors at Pinhead Nation found that made 2004 a special year.

Top Dimwit News Story:

GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- A police officer dispatched to a bachelorette party because of a noise complaint was mistaken for the entertainment.Partygoers thought Police Officer Jamie Hope was a stripper, and didn’t realize he was legitimate until he drove away with the bride-to-be in handcuffs."When he was taking her to his car, everyone thought he was the stripper and everyone said, ‘OK, the warning has gone far enough. Are you going to start stripping?"’ Police Sgt. Keith Kameg said.The 30-year-old Hope, a married, six-year veteran of the force, had issued a noise warning, and as part of procedure, also ran a warrants check on the bride-to-be. That’s when he found that the 24-year-old woman had an outstanding warrant for a violation of probation involving an open-container citation.Court records show she had failed to pay $11. Her bond was set at $11, and she was released.Said Hope: "Her friends, they were saying, ‘I’m sure he’s joking.’ I guess she was waiting for somebody to tell her the joke was over. I don’t think it hit home until we were actually in the car."(Courtesy, AP)

Top Drunken Celebrity:

Anna Nicole Smith at the 2004 American Music Awards. Come to think of it, if I married an elderly pre-dead corpse and ended up with half the estate, I'd get drunk, too.


Tara Reid too drunk to realize her top was missing at P’Diddy’s birthday party. Over the next few weeks, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady does everything in his power to get her back to no avail.

Top Sports Story from the world of the Idiotic:

Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams retiring from the NFL so he can smoke pot. In hindsight, it appears he made the right choice.


Cornelius Horan, a defrocked Irish Priest, attacks Marathon leader and eventual Bronze Medalist Vanderlei de Lima, during 2004 Summer Olympic games in Athens Greece.

Pacers’ Ron Artest, after asking for a sabbatical from basketball to sell his Rap CD, gets suspended for the season after fighting with Detroit fans.

The game of Dodgeball is banned in seven states, including Massachusetts from public schools. (see quote below):

"Dodgeball is not an appropriate activity for K-12 school physical education programs," according to The National Association for Sport and Physical Education, a nonprofit professional organization of 20,000 physical education teachers, professors, coaches, athletic directors and trainers. Dodgeball provides "limited opportunities for everyone in the class, especially the slower, less agile students who need the activity the most."

Top Idiotic Instructions for Household Products:

"Do not smoke until hair is dry" – Clairol Herbal Essences Maximum Hold Hair Spray

"Do not spray in eyes" – Windex Window Cleaner

"To put a call on hold, press HOLD" – Lucent Technologies Cell Phones

Best Road Sign:

"Do not drive into smoke" – Interstate 44, Oklahoma


"Do not hit this sign" – Rim Drive, Durango, Colorado

Worst Bank Robber:

An Arlington, Virginia man went to the bank and presented a check for $1,450, but the teller said that she would have to get approval from the Vice President and left. Melinda Babson, Vice President, recognized the woman's name on the check, but did not recognize the signature. Babson called the woman who said that she had not written a check for the amount. The unsuspecting man waited calmly out front sipping a cup of coffee until police arrived and arrested him for forgery. Police noted that the man was a "knucklehead" for staying at the bank. Had he left, however, police still could have easily tracked him down as he had given the teller his driver's license. (Courtesy, AP)

Best Chimp n’ Charge gaffe:

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." – George W. Bush, August 2004.

Runner Up:

"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." – George W. Bush, May 2004

Worst Crowd at a Sporting Event:

In a soccer game between China and Japan in February, Chinese soccer fans yelled comments about Japan’s WWII wartime atrocities to Japanese players and fans. The match was ultimately stopped when a Japanese player was hit in the head by pieces of human waste tossed from the crowd.

Runner Up:

John Green, an ex-con from West Bloomfield, MI throws a cup of water at Pacers’ and former St. Johns University scumbag Ron Artest that leads to the worst brawl in U.S. professional sports history. (Yet doesn't crack top ten in most violent moments in the city of Detroit).

Pathetic Sports Performance:

New York Yankees blow a 3-0 lead in a best of seven series to the Boston Red Sox and become the biggest laughing stock in baseball history. The following day, millions of New Yorkers refuse to leave their homes in disgust, yet not a single day of work was missed as none are employed.

Runner ups:

New York Yankees lose 22-0 to the Cleveland Indians on August 31, 2004 to set the record for worst single game loss in baseball history. Yankee fans still upset that Cleveland "went for two" after scoring that third decisive touchdown.

Mount Westonka High School (Minnesota) loses 17-0 to the Breck School (Minnesota) in the 2004 Minnesota State Hockey Tournament. Days later, the entire Mount Westonka roster commits to University of New Hampshire.

Best New England Laws still on the books in 2004:


Dueling to the death is allowed on Sundays only, and only if the Governor is present.

No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car.

It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.

It is illegal for any two men to carry a bathtub across the town green (Longmeadow, MA)


In order for a pickle to be properly called a pickle, it must bounce.

Only the blind are allowed to use white canes.

It is illegal for any truck to exceed 25 mphs, unless if on fire (New Britain, CT)

Silly String is banned (Southington, CT)

New Hampshire:

On Sundays, it is illegal to relieve oneself while looking up.

It is illegal to sell clothes you are wearing to pay off gambling debts.

Rhode Island:

It is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.

Any marriage where either party is considered an ‘idiot’ or ‘lunatic’ is null and void.

Punishment of $20-$100 will be imposed for anyone impersonating an auctioneer.


You may not step out of a plane while in flight.

Christmas Decorations must be removed by no later than January 14.

Shotguns are required to have in church in case of Native American attack.

To stroll down a street while playing the violin is against the law.

Here's hoping for a wonderful and safe 2005 for all of our collar up friends. As the clock strikes midnight this evening, please join the 'Nation in welcoming in the New Year by putting on your tuxedo and raising your glass of Chateau d'Yquem. Share with us in reflecting on a quality year and remembering those inferiors who served our dinners and gave our kids their first sailing lessons to help make our lives better in 2004.

Collar Up.

- DW


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