Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Vaya Con Dineros

Finally, the ad in the employment section of the New York Daily News has been answered. In case you missed it, here was the ad:


Middle-aged, rag arm needed for fledgling baseball franchise in Queens, New York. Attitude problems a must. Perks include free car detailing at one of many automobile chop-shops around Shea Stadium and close proximity to international airport for departure a week before the All-Star Game and arrival three days late following. Also, free Prescription Plan offered through former Mets' Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry. Please contact Omar Minaya at (212) 555-1986 to apply. Applicants less than 30 or of North American heritage need not apply.

And with that, the Pedro Martinez era ended in Boston on December 13th, 2004 (ironically 8 years to the day Roger Clemens bolted the Sox for Toronto). Similarly, both took more money and both ultimately ended up playing closer to "home". Clemens to his dude ranch in Texas and Pedro to his filthy, poverty stricken wasteland where a nickel can get you an "hour of power" with any of the local streetwalkers who mistakenly think a "Dirty Sanchez" is the guy who sells mules behind the Santo Domingo Soybean Farm.

To be honest, it's tough to blame Pedro here. I mean, there is no loyalty, right? So the Red Sox guaranteed his $17.5 million dollar salary last year when they really didn't have to. So they let him carry a freakishly moronic midget around with him in the clubhouse. Being allowed to come and go as he pleased, it wasn't a perk, it was merely a show of "respect" for a guy who if not for a guy named Abner Doubleday, would probably be pimping his midget friend for $1 "half-pint hummers", while trying to figure out the best way to roll up and smoke a mango tree.

The Sox, though, should have seen this coming and if Pedro is the villain here, Theo Epstein is the clown. Epstein, the 30 year-old Wunderkind who fifteen years ago was getting stuffed in lockers at Brookline High School while gratifying himself to pictures of Bill James, got played like a fiddle in these negotiations. Sources close to the 'Nation say Epstein's parents have given Theo a ten-minute "time out" as a punishment for botching this deal and Theo is now in a state of panic fearing that Santa will not be coming to his house this year.

Not only did Baby Theo refuse to demand a "deadline" for Pedro (which may have allowed the Red Sox to have a real shot at Carl Pavano), he let Pedro dictate his terms while continuing to negotiate against himself with Jason Varitek. Blah! His solution? He signs the only guy in professional sports with a worse body than me and because Curt "I don't do interviews" Schilling's ankle is still hurt (wonder if carrying that World Series trophy around for two weeks instead of rehabbing helped), the two-ton David Wells will be your opening day starter at Yankee Stadium for the champs. Seriously, can a World Series champ be mathematically eliminated from the pennant race before they raise the banner on opening day? The 2005 Red Sox are dead to Pinhead Nation at this time.

Great to see the 'Nation is attracting some feedback. As your superiors, we are always going the extra mile to remind you of your inferiority. To my friends on Babcock Street, you know the BU-Nit Boys Choir, thanks for dropping by. Glad to see you can take time out of your busy day of playing Twister with eachother and contribute to the site. As always, Pinhead Nation (or as we like to call ourselves, YOUR daddies), appreciate the emulation.

With the holidays approaching, America's Team is off until they play a holiday tourney in Florida against Cornell, St. Cloud, and Animal Husbandry University at Orono, Maine. Meanwhile, the filthy ones at Kenmore State play the U. of Minnesota without oveRAYted Chris Bourque who will be playing in the World Junior Championships with America's Team goaltender Cory Schneider. Hopefully Schneider gets to play and earn some experience that he can use in this year's Frozen Four, while Bourque is left playing "mini one on one" while listening to old Fred Cusick calls with dear old dad come April.

Collar Up.



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