White Trash on White Walls

At Pinhead Nation, we feel we give a service to our inferiors by discussing many things, mostly within the world of sports. Because sports is a multi-billion dollar industry, the rise of "quasi-sports" has inundated our airwaves and created a new wave of filthy degenerates, looking to hook their trailers up to something that will make their wasted lives seem meaningful.

In today's edition, I'd like to discuss a fad that is quickly rising in the sports world is evolving our society from "white collar" to "white trash". Across the globe, the message is spreading that we, as Americans, are quickly becoming the dumbest sports fans in the world. This fad, of course, is NASCAR.

According to their website, NASCAR is an acronym for "National Association of Stupid Caucasians and Rednecks". They proudly claim that there are over 75 million NASCAR fans today and, not surprisingly, not a single one of the 75 million is gainfully employed at a job that doesn't include the phrase "thank you, drive up" in their workday.

It should not come to a surprise to anyone that NASCAR and its fans are generally found in the inbreeding states of the south, and of course, the land that time forgot called New Hampshire. During most weekends of the year, NASCAR fans prostitute their sisters to scrape together the $75 needed to pay for a ticket to watch cars go round and round. Father's eyes throughout the racetrack grow misty with pride when that day finally comes when 'father and son' can share their first fatal wreck together.

Looking at the NASCAR race schedule, it seems that most of the races fall on Sundays, you know, the Day of the Lord. For that reason, churches in Pensacola, Florida, Durham, New Hampshire, and Mysistersbeardgotcaughtinmyzipper, West Virginia are full of leather wearin', "chaw" spittin' hillbillies who are praying that "anyone but Gordon" takes the checkered flag that day.

After church, NASCAR couples proudly strut to their pick-ups, throw on some classic Randy Travis, and tell their three kids (all from different fathers and likely named "Dale", "Earnhardt", or "Intimidator") that they are "fixin' to see something good today down at Darlington"...

Shockingly, TV ratings for NASCAR are currently higher than golf, baseball, and basketball. Almost as mindboggling is the fact that they currently have contracts with NBC, Fox, and TNT totalling about $2.8 billion dollars to televise third grade drop-outs cut eachother off while advertising Viagra and Penzoil ads on their cars.

Needless to say, Pinhead Nation does not condone NASCAR and suggests that fellow collar-ups avoid this "sport" at all costs. Scientific tests done at Johns Hopkins University in Maryland prove that every minute you watch NASCAR, your IQ actually drops one point. Consider yourselves warned.

Collar Up.

-DW