Friday, December 17, 2004

White Trash on White Walls

At Pinhead Nation, we feel we give a service to our inferiors by discussing many things, mostly within the world of sports. Because sports is a multi-billion dollar industry, the rise of "quasi-sports" has inundated our airwaves and created a new wave of filthy degenerates, looking to hook their trailers up to something that will make their wasted lives seem meaningful.

In today's edition, I'd like to discuss a fad that is quickly rising in the sports world is evolving our society from "white collar" to "white trash". Across the globe, the message is spreading that we, as Americans, are quickly becoming the dumbest sports fans in the world. This fad, of course, is NASCAR.

According to their website, NASCAR is an acronym for "National Association of Stupid Caucasians and Rednecks". They proudly claim that there are over 75 million NASCAR fans today and, not surprisingly, not a single one of the 75 million is gainfully employed at a job that doesn't include the phrase "thank you, drive up" in their workday.

It should not come to a surprise to anyone that NASCAR and its fans are generally found in the inbreeding states of the south, and of course, the land that time forgot called New Hampshire. During most weekends of the year, NASCAR fans prostitute their sisters to scrape together the $75 needed to pay for a ticket to watch cars go round and round. Father's eyes throughout the racetrack grow misty with pride when that day finally comes when 'father and son' can share their first fatal wreck together.

Looking at the NASCAR race schedule, it seems that most of the races fall on Sundays, you know, the Day of the Lord. For that reason, churches in Pensacola, Florida, Durham, New Hampshire, and Mysistersbeardgotcaughtinmyzipper, West Virginia are full of leather wearin', "chaw" spittin' hillbillies who are praying that "anyone but Gordon" takes the checkered flag that day.

After church, NASCAR couples proudly strut to their pick-ups, throw on some classic Randy Travis, and tell their three kids (all from different fathers and likely named "Dale", "Earnhardt", or "Intimidator") that they are "fixin' to see something good today down at Darlington"...

Shockingly, TV ratings for NASCAR are currently higher than golf, baseball, and basketball. Almost as mindboggling is the fact that they currently have contracts with NBC, Fox, and TNT totalling about $2.8 billion dollars to televise third grade drop-outs cut eachother off while advertising Viagra and Penzoil ads on their cars.

Needless to say, Pinhead Nation does not condone NASCAR and suggests that fellow collar-ups avoid this "sport" at all costs. Scientific tests done at Johns Hopkins University in Maryland prove that every minute you watch NASCAR, your IQ actually drops one point. Consider yourselves warned.

Collar Up.

-DW




32 Comments:

At 5:44 PM, Blogger Robskillz said...

Knowing that people all across the Southern portion of this country cried during the premiere of "3" on ESPN last weekend sums up everything I need to say about a good amount of the people who reside there.

 
At 8:20 PM, Blogger anonomass said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8:23 PM, Blogger anonomass said...

as one of the "75 million" nascar fans, i would like to say i found your latest column 'White Trash on White Wall' extremely offensive. Today, Nascar is filled with wonderful racers such as Dale Jr. who won his first Daytona 500 this year and has been on TV shows such as MTV's cribs and True Life, Im a race car driver. It is not for the "redneck", "toothless", "jobless" fans as you so ridiculously state. I have been a loyal fan of nascar for over 20 years, as well a loyal father of children with full sets of teeth and a loyal buisness owner is midtown Manhattan. Please refrain from posting these moronic columns as it hurts the sport of racings as well as my feeling

 
At 12:26 PM, Blogger IanAtKDR said...

Methinks the anonymous above ins't a regular at the uscho messageboards, otherwise he'd know not to take offense from anything written at this blog. The whole idea is to be as obnoxious as possible.

Hell, I only stopped by to see if anything nasty had been written about Cornell yet. :)

 
At 4:53 PM, Blogger Jeekers Cripe said...

And the 75 million NASCAR fans are picking the President of the United States these days, that's the scary part. If Dale was alive he could win OHIO and FLA and all the other red states.

 
At 4:59 PM, Blogger Jeekers Cripe said...

I have a complaint. Your blog is not offense enough, could you please work on that? Thanks.

 
At 5:01 PM, Blogger Jeekers Cripe said...

sorry about the typo, I am either drunk or a redneck.

 
At 6:50 PM, Blogger stevef said...

i watched most of "3". i'm not gonna lie. didn't cry though. found it a little weird that the ayrian from OZ was ralph earnhardt.


I just wanna race daddy!

 
At 7:47 PM, Blogger Michael said...

The leathered oval object is flying in with great success and while searching for other football Pinhead N ion successes I read your White Trash on White Walls. Failure is not an option for most and my passion as read at has a similar theme. You have a great read here and thanks for promoting the great game in life.

 
At 9:49 AM, Blogger Elizabeth said...

It is Saturday, the day before football Sunday Pinhead N ion and I am reading as many blogs as possible. Your White Trash on White Walls is a great read and has a similar theme to sports articles . Pinhead N ion post your predictions to me for pro football tomorrow. A prediction for todays college V Tech over Miami by 5.

 
At 6:02 PM, Blogger Michael said...

Pinhead N ion your White Trash on White Walls makes a great read. In my http://serendipitysuccess.blogspot.com/2005/11/update-to-steelers-climb-to-top-of-afc.html football and its dynamic ability to create passion in individuals drives what blogging is all about. Other subject matter in your White Trash on White Walls blog simply adds to the flavor of our blogging community. Keep up your great prose and themes for it creates great reading for all of us. Other steelers will always move us to different plateaus in life. Thanks.

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger Michael said...

Pinhead N ion your White Trash on White Walls makes a great read. In my http://serendipitysuccess.blogspot.com/2005/11/update-to-steelers-climb-to-top-of-afc.html football and its dynamic ability to create passion in individuals drives what blogging is all about. Other subject matter in your White Trash on White Walls blog simply adds to the flavor of our blogging community. Keep up your great prose and themes for it creates great reading for all of us. Other sports articles will always move us to different plateaus in life. Thanks.

 
At 5:29 PM, Blogger Michael said...

teams and business people depend on great . Pinhead N ion your White Trash on White Walls certainly was a great read and I simply had to post to you. I do have a similar passion as can be read at http://serendipitysuccess.blogspot.com/2005/11/update-to-steelers-climb-to-top-of-afc.html although its theme is slanted to one or more of my passions, is the important thing. Keep up your great thoughts and writings. Other passions inlcude

 
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