Thursday, December 23, 2004

Is Randy Johnson a Yankee yet?

Boy oh boy has life been tough for the inhabitants of the Rotten Apple 200 miles to the south. First, they must live with the "worst choke ever" label permanentely tattooed to thier foreheads. Next, they watch the Red Sox end 86 years of bullcrap, and now, they are spending their Christmas holiday without the eleven-foot ostrich lefty who is still receiving his mail in Arizona.

"It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart will be a fun watch for Sox fans this Christmas. Two World Championships in 2004 and maybe a third in February (although unlikely) has transformed "Loserville" into a town where the roads to our sports arenas are painted in gold.

For New Yorkers, two things in life are certain: That they will be brutally murdered in a violent crime, and the Yankees will always be able to dictate their will on the rest of Major League Baseball. Although we can be confident of the first one, the second certainty is slowing slipping away as the Pinstriped ones are not only losing on the field, but now they are losing big time off the field.

Last July, George Steinbrenner figured he'd just write a check and bring the perennial National League ace Randy Johnson to the Bronx to tidy his team up and prepare them for a playoff run. When he found out he couldn't have him, Steinbrenner went berserk and couldn't understand why other teams wouldn't bend over to help ensure the ex-felon another World Series crown.

Without Johnson, the once proud Yankees were left to fight off the Red Sox with a pitching rotation that couldn't beat Toms River, NJ's little league team. Once the dust settled the only lasting memories of the playoffs that the unemployed scum at Yankee Stadium had of the 2004 playoffs was Alex Rodriguez swatting a ball like a girl, and of the Old Town Team dancing on the field at "The House that Capitalism Built".

With Christmas coming, Steinbrenner and his fans expected to find an extremely ugly 6'10" lefty in their stockings this holiday. Funny thing about Christmas is you rarely get what you want and if you get what you want, they forget to buy the damn batteries that go with it and with every friggin' store in town closed, you have to wait to use it, but I digress.

On Tuesday night, word came out of Los Angeles that they will not help the Yankees acquire Randy Johnson by being the third team in a deal with Arizona. Interestingly, it was partly due to the Yiddish Shawn Green's refusing to waive a no-trade clause that help put the kaibosh on this deal. Leave it to a guy who never had a Christmas Tree to ruin King George's Christmas.

Now the fun really begins. Red Sox fans can now cut over to ESPN during commercials of "Charlie Brown's Christmas" to see what broken down has-been will be donning Pinstripes this spring down in gangland. Sources close to Pinhead Nation report that the Yankees are close to obtaining former Astros' J.R. Richard and Mike Scott to shore up their rotation, to go along with Kevin Brown and Javier "Clutch" Vazquez.

There's nothing like the holidays to help bring out the joy, even if I am giving the finger to anyone with New York plates who happens to come across my way.

Collar Up.

- DW


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