Thursday, January 06, 2005

"Now Leaving Connecticut, Come Back Soon...please?"

Let's be honest, don't we feel sorry for the people resigned to spending their lives in Connecticut? I mean, has there ever been a place where so many people have wanted to get out of in a hurry? Whether it is major corporations, sports teams, or sports conferences, the road sign "exiting Connecticut" is as welcome to all as a sign that says "free beer".

When you want to find the root of a problem, always go back to its history and the history of Connecticut is a sordid one of mass exodi and abandonment. Connecticut itself was founded in the early 1600's by the Dutch who were travelling from Manhattan to Boston. One day, the Dutch travel leader realized he needed to take a serious dump so he trudged away from the Connecticut River to relieve himself. Let's be honest, we all know what too much maize does to the digestive system and back then it was no different.

That spot, where the town of Storrs, CT stands today, is still a landmark that is considered hallowed ground to those without the financial resources to move to Massachusetts. Perhaps it is that feeling that their founders really didn't want to be there is what drives today's anger and inferiority in the slow developing minds of inhabitants of the Nutmeg State.

In modern times, things are no different. In December 2003, the state government passed the "Connecticut Fatherhood Initiative" designed to force deadbeat dads to financially support their bastard children and spend time with them. It seems the phrase "honey, I'm going out for a pack of smokes" is the most common one heard around those parts just prior to Father's Day. But seriously, can you blame them? In the bible, they call it Purgatory, according to Rand McNally, it's called Connecticut.

Though many have tried and failed to leave the "Land that Insurance Company's Built", many have succeeded, specifically those in the sports community. In 1997, the NHL's Hartford Whalers franchise decided after 25 years of playing in a strip mall, it was time to bolt the town for a legitimate hockey town with proud tradition: Raleigh, North Carolina.

In the mid-nineties, New England Patriots' owner Robert Kraft managed to leave Hartford without even playing a game there. In a power play to force Massachusetts to built a football stadium, Kraft toyed with then-Connecticut Governor and now disgraced John Rowland into pretending he would move the team to lovely East Hartford. Ironically, after the Patriots turned tail, the state used that land to build a stadium for the University of Connecticut football team. From almost housing today's World Champions to settling for the Husky gridders is like being left at the altar by Eva Langoria and settling for "Wendy the Retard" from the Howard Stern show.

Finally, the ultimate indignity. After years of trying to develop Division 1 football and relying on the almighty Boston College to legitimize the program by forcing a "rivalry", BC turned up its collars and left for the greener pastures of the Atlantic Coast Conference. The state actually tried to sue BC to force them to stay, but in the end, the better people won and BC moved on. Although bitter feelings exist ( UConn basketball coach and eternal scumbag Jim Calhoun has vowed never to play the Eagles again) UConn football is better suited playing the Rutgers', Bentleys', and Perkins' School of the Blinds' of the world, especially if they aim to become competitive someday.

It should be no surprise to anyone why such an inferiority complex exists in Connecticut towards their superiors from Massachusetts. Face it, we take what they want and we flaunt it. We have Gillette and Polaroid, they have the WWE and the Nutmeg Museum. We listen to "Dirty Water" with pride, and they listen to the "Brass Bonanza" and long for the good old days.

The bottom line is simple, if it wasn't for an unnamed Dutch traveler with diarrhea, the folks of Connecticut would have been spared years of inferiority as many would have gone on to continue their travel to Massachusetts. Nonetheless, like crack addicts, abandoned children, and the homeless, we superiors are going to have to learn to tolerate them. It's that tolerance that truly make us a superior form of human.

Please check out our 'complete profile' section and hit the audio clip tab and let's help the poor residents of Connecticut remember a golden era gone by.

Collar Up.

- DW


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