Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Saturday is "Trash Day"

I'm guilty of it, no doubt. There are times when I sit at work, look down at the empire I've created, and wonder if the help took out the trash on trash day. Sometimes I have to remind them what day is trash day since my town likes to change it up once in a while to keep the BU graduates who "patrol the neighborhood seeking garbage" fresh.

Anyhow, I arranged for my town to have trash day this week on Saturday since over at Conte Forum, America's Team will be taking out college hockey's version of trash in the University of New Hampshire that evening.

Sure, your superiors at the 'Nation have had some fun reminding those at Boston University of their inferiority, but to their credit, although they are foreign waste, they still live in the civilized society that is Boston. When you're from New Hampshire and attend the University of New Hampshire, you are familiar with three concepts, the mating habits of sheep, ho-downs, and the annual rite of spring that is the demise of UNH hockey.

I don't want to bore you by discussing the history of UNH hockey's failures, it's a list as long as doomed democratic presidential nominees who are not from Arkansas. Sure, we can go back and talk about the numerous post season chokes, the one-sided losses in the NCAA tourney, and of course the belly-buster that was the loss to Niagara University a few years ago, but not today.

We are going to spend a lot of time this week discussing the arrival of the double-wides and the carnival folk that will be crossing the border this weekend. Later this week, we'll discuss the sad tragedy that is UNH hockey. Today, though, I want to discuss what a BC fan should look for when approaching a UNH fan.

UNH fans are simply Maine fans who think they are cosmopolitan because they can pick up radio stations from Boston on a clear night. Due to their insecurity about their understood inferiority, they should be approached with extreme caution. These people are used to being up at 4 am to milk cows, screw sheep, feed chickens, etc, so they tend to be a bit cranky by the time the puck drops at 7 pm.

Collar ups will take note that upon seeing these people from New Hampshire that there is little distinction between male and female New Hampshire fans. The male species, usually weighing between 250-300 lbs. and can be easily spotted by his UNH hockey jersey that is normally about 7 sizes too small. The male, usually named "Billy", "Bob", or in the more evolved species, "Billy-Bob", is quick tempered and has little respect for personal hygiene. Also, note the series of tattoos and references to drunken experiences at "biker weekend in Laconia".

The female New Hampshire resident is normally louder, and usually bigger, than her male counterpart. To spot her is relatively easy. Most New Hampshire females tend to clap like seals, wear blue jeans that a Barbie Doll couldn't fit in and wear more makeup than an average medical school cadaver. Due to several face-lifts and years of hard living, the faces of the female resemble miles of New Hampshire backroad while her voice can best be described as a "painful screetch". New Hampshire females tend to move slow as most have given birth to between 5-10 offspring (usually by the age of 15), that has cut down their overall mobility.

Like her current male counterpart (the average New Hampshire female has an average of 719 male counterparts during her lifetime), her dental work is "non-existent". For that reason, New Hampshire folks are forced to drink their lunch out of paper bags, while huddled around a trash can fire for heat. For these and many other reasons, they tend to become easily irritated and are quite sensitive creatures.

If a member of the collar-up society must converse with a Granite Stater, you will immediately encounter the language barrier and should consult a "New Hampshire to English Dictionary". In an average conversation, you will hear such phrases as "NASCAR", "militant toll employees" and "fireworks", that may cause confusion. Be advised that if the word "NASCAR" is heard, abort your conversation immediately as a simple phrase like "Gordon is God" may get you killed and for the love of Chateau d'Yquem, don't make jokes about the dearly departed Dale Earnhardt for any reason.

Be advised that this is the first of two scheduled trips to Chestnut Hill for the inhabitants of New Hampshire this hockey season, so if you see an inordinate number of mullets or leather, please consider this before calling 911 or the Department of Animal Control.

Collar Up.

- DW


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