Thursday, January 13, 2005

Pinhead Nation's Playoff Preview (Part 3 of 4)

Before we give you rubes our third installment in our quest to help buffer your unemployment income with some NFL winnings, there's some news to get to first.

Last night in Manchester, NH, something happened that was so funny, that words alone cannot describe it. The site was the Verizon Wireless Arena and the event was the very "collar up" Dartmouth Big Green taking the ice against the ultimate "no collar whatsoever" UNH Wildcats. UNH, as we all know, is tremendously overrated. The fact that they are actually ranked #6 in the nation proves that those who vote in this weekly poll do so after about 9 shots of Johnny Walker Blue Label. We give the pollsters the benefit of the doubt that their social status has taught them that if it isn't the Blue Label, it's no better than trash can moonshine. We pray they have collar up status.

Anyhow, armed with an 8-5 lead with just 10 minutes or so left in the contest, the Wildcats of New Hampshire proceeded to allow the very mediocre Dartmouth icers to score four straight goals and take a hillarious 9-8 victory over the boys from Titletown, NH. It was the most goals allowed by the Kitties since they dropped an 8-5 nailbiter to a horrible Clarkson team in 2002. Coach "Whistlin'" Dick Umile defied hockey logic by not replacing his goaltender, Jeff Pietrasiak, even after the refs replaced the puck with a beachball (see link to pic below) in an attempt to limit the carnage, but the Big Green scored anyway.

UNH Goaltender Pietrasiak's GAA number replaced with "sideways 8" to ensure accuracy.

Pietrasiak, who has been admitted to Shriners' Hospital and is receiving medication for a serious burn on the back of his neck caused by a recurring red-light over a 3 hour period, rose his Goals Against Average to about a million or so. Folks up in Titletown enjoy mocking the great Matti Kaltiainen, America's Team's goaltender, but the fact remains that both BC goaltender's goals against averages combined is now less than Pietrasiak's.

Dartmouth 9, UNH 8!

I guess this ain't the year afterall for the University of Neanderthals and Hooligans. Hopefully they can douse their pain with some quality moonshine brewed in one of the many New Hampshire barns owned by local inbreds.

Now, it's time to let you know who will win the second NFC contest between the St. Louis Rams and the Atlanta Falcons, with the winner to play the Minnesota Vikings in the NFC championship game next weekend.

This one is a toughie, because frankly, your superiors at Pinhead Nation don't really give a crap whatsoever about either team. The Rams, after defeating the ultimate underachiever in Seattle last week, travel to Atlanta to face an other overrated team in the Falcons.

Did we mention that UNH coughed up a 3 goal lead and lost 9-8?

True, no one is a greater a-hole than St. Louis coach Mike Martz, a clown who would be my prime candidate if I got to choose someone to put on a rowboat and search for the "Perfect Storm". His pompous and arrogant attitude would normally be welcomed by the 'Nation, but his obvious lack of intelligence proves he is nothing more than an imbecile who pretends to wear his collar up. Pinhead Nation honestly wonders if this man even owns a tuxedo or has ever ridden proudly on a polo pony.

No doubt, St. Louis is formidable because of a great offense. Unfortunately, they are led by a quarterback who openly admits to being a West Virginia University alum (just saying the name of that 'school' makes any collar up want to immediately bathe), you can count on his low IQ and faulty genes to cost his team this contest if close.

How did Umile not change goaltenders? Dartmouth 9, UNH 8

Atlanta, on the other hand, is the Pittsburgh Steelers of the NFC. Nice record, but probably couldn't win a BCS title, let alone a NFL one. Quarterback Mike Vick, brother of Marcus "old enough to pee, old enough for me" Vick, is having a year that is greatly exaggerated by the dimwits who work on network television. He is a "straight" version of former Steeler Kordell Stewart, but sadly, mobile QB's ultimately fail in a league full of teams that actually know how to play some defense.

Pinhead Prediction:

St. Louis over Atlanta. Though the Rams lose serious points for having a hillbilly at helm of the offense, the Falcons have had two weeks to find a way to lose this one at home. Although we agree that both teams are awful, even in a beauty contest of fat women, someone must be crowned champ. The 'Nation advises you all to choose St. Louis in this battle of pigs.

Big Green 9, Wildcats 8!

Collar Up.

- DW
- UNH goaltending at its best caught on film by Collar Up freelance photographer Steve F.


At 12:12 AM, Blogger ryan said...

it should be noted that I was the one that found that wonderful picture of mr. vanek disgracing mr. ayers. my ol' pal steve was the one that hosted it, not that anyone cares.

p.s. hello darin

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