Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Pinhead Nation's Playoff Preview (Part 2 of 4)

With one playoff lock done, it's time to move on to game two, this time the AFC battle between the New York (sucks) Jets and the Pittsburgh Steelers. To those of you who played the "game of life" and lost, this is your chance at redemption. Consider these picks as our effort to help you off the welfare dime and remember, advice from your superiors at Pinhead Nation is a privilege, for you and your family.

Before we talk football, I have to raise my crystal flume to America's Team who defeated our fellow Collar Ups at Yale 1-0 last night in Connecticut (see post below regarding the Nutmeg State). Considered the best team in the nation by most respected hockey pundits, Boston College will next challenge our mentally challenged friends from Boston U this weekend. Since we've allowed the Terriers to keep our seat warm at the top of the Hockey East standings, it's high time to send them back to the kid's table where they belong both on the ice, and in life in general. Fans of America's Team travelling to the EggAnus Arena on Saturday should read our critique of the arena below before venturing down towards the crime-ridden end of Commonwealth Avenue.

I know you've been anxiously awaiting our next football pick, so without further adieu, let us tell you what to expect in the New York vs. Pittsburgh matchup on Saturday.

The New York Jets, the red-headed stepchild of New York football, advanced past the San Diego Chargers last weekend in overtime after Marty "the anti-Belichick" Schottenheimer bungled away his team's chance to win at home. The Jets, being the perennial losers they are, almost eliminated themselves after future criminal and defensive lineman Eric Barton committed a personal foul on the last play of the game and allowed San Diego to score and force overtime.

After the Chargers failed to score, the Jets took advantage and kicked a game winning field goal as overtime expired to advance to their date in Pittsburgh. The Jets, whose high point in the last year was the visual of the overrated and drunken Joe Namath hitting on a lesbian on national television, proved to be in dissaray, especially when coach Herm Edwards was spotted by the TV cameras in a verbal spat with an assistance coach. Mr. Edwards, as does the entire Jet organization, would certainly be improved if they attended a proper etiquette course and learned to act like humans, not the New York garbage they are. Pinhead Nation can certainly suggest one of many etiquette schools to help enhance their social standing.

The 2004 Steelers, ok, I'm going to say it, the most overrated football team since the 2001 Steelers, went 15-1 behind rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger, a man who looks like he spent his offseason at Burger King instead of the gym. No doubt, Roethlisberger was treated very well at one of the many Pittsburgh area fast food establishments being served by one of countless University of New Hampshire grads who flock to the fast food culinary industry.

By virtue of defeating an injury-plagued Patriots team, the Steelers earned the top spot in the AFC and will play their postseason games at Heinz Field, a place where Roethlisberger should have no problem finding ketchup for his supersized french fries.

Regarding the matchup, it's a game pitting the "city that never sleeps" vs. the "city that never bathes". This member of the 'Nation has been to the Steel City many times and outside of fetching six packs of Iron City Brew for my landscaper and my son's polo instructor, I seriously advise anyone in the collar up community to avoid this city at all costs. For those with an IQ above 50, there is nothing that anyone of social standing can gain from this depressed metropolis.

Pinhead Prediction:

Pittsburgh over New York. Although most of the country agrees that the Steelers are overrated and will not earn a trip to the Super Bowl, the Jets are simply a bad football team. If not for the coaching blunders of Schottenheimer, the Jets would be back home in New York robbing liquor stores right now instead of preparing for their upcoming embarrassment. Though this will be Pittsburgh's lone win in the postseason, if they don't get lost on their way to Heinz Field on Saturday, they will qualify for next week's AFC title game as several college teams would beat the Jets these days.

Collar Up.

- DW


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