Monday, January 10, 2005

Pinhead Nation's Playoff Preview (Part 1 of 4)

Your superiors at Pinhead Nation have been busy since Boston College reminded our friends in Connecticut who their daddy is. Since then, the 'Nation has been stashed away in our secret Pinhead Palace preparing to let you know who we expect to win this weekend's NFL playoff games.

While some of you were taking advantage of your Boston University education and working to earn your $5.50 per hour paycheck to support your dirty family, we have been studying our NFL cheat sheets over brandy and brie. We may have grown up with Polo and Sailing, but we are also experts in the sport of American Professional Football.

If you are a BC alumnus, bet the mansion on these picks. If you are a UNH or U. Maine alum, bet the trailer because these, our "Pinhead Predictions", are mortal locks. Each day this week, the folks you wish you were will preview one of the four games this weekend. Today's lock is one of the NFC Divisional contests.

Minnesota at Philadelphia.

The Vikings advanced to the second round by beating the highly overrated Green Bay Packers and sending the insufferable Brett Favre back to his Louisiana bayou to play with his pet alligator. Though some folks have been complaining about Randy Moss' "mooning" at the goat herder fans in Wisconsin, Pinhead Nation stands and applauds Moss for showing his inferiors what he really thinks of them.

Normally, betting for the Vikings in the playoffs is like betting the sun won't come up. Whether it was Fran Tarkenton or Warren Moon, being selected to play for the Vikes is the last thing any college graduate wants to hear on draft day. Time has shown that a career in the Twin Cities is a guarantee that you'll never win a Super Bowl.

There are worse places in the world to live, we'll get to that shortly, but there are few places as horrible as the Metrodome in Minneapolis. Pinhead Nation took in a baseball game there a few years ago and the smell stays with us to this day. It's tough to collar up when you need to use your collar to cover your nose. To give you folks who don't have the financial resources like us to travel an idea of the aroma under the big top, the dome is basically a toilet with a scoreboard.

If the Metrodome is an outhouse, the city of Philadelphia is where the waste from the Twin Cities gets pumped to. I remember my first trip to the City of Brotherly Knife Fights as it was the first time I saw a homeless person. There he was, panning for change, humming his alma mater's UNH fight song as he stood yelling at mailboxes and looking for windshields to wash.

Let's cut to the chase, Phladelphia is a crime-ridden hell hole. According to 2003 statistics, Philly ranks just ahead of Detroit for murder numbers. Think about that for a second, there were MORE murders in Philadelphia in 2003 than Detroit, which is the city that invented murder. For every 100,000 Philadelphians, 10.1 will be brutally murdered in the upcoming year. 2004 census numbers show 1,517,000 mutants who call Philly home. Using the earlier mentioned ratio, you can clearly see that by 2007, the entire population of Philadelphia will be gone.

Getting back to football, it is clear that Philly Eagle fans won't be happy until they see their team lose to every NFC team in the conference championship game. Minnesota Vikings fans need to get to the Super Bowl and lose again to regain the reputation of the NFL's biggest loser and take the crown back from Buffalo.

Pinhead Prediction:

Minnesota over Philadelphia. Although this one is the NFL equivilent of a Presidential election between Bob Dole and Walter Mondale, this pick is actually pretty easy. They may both be losers, but someone has to win. Philly, like all pro teams from eastern Pennsylvania, choke every time the chips are down. To find a goat for Philadelphia this weekend, look no further than NFL poster bust Donovan McNabb. With Owens out, look for McNabb to return to his choking ways and fall again. Remember, McNabb is a Syracuse alum and no matter how you slice it, you can't spell "sucks" without SU.

Collar Up.

- DW


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