Thursday, January 27, 2005

Oranges Always Rot Over Time

Last night I had this strange dream. Although I rarely remember my dreams since my real life is better than most people's dreams, this one stuck in my head as it was so troubling, it ruffled my silk pajamas (with the collar up, of course) and woke me up out of my superior slumber.

As the hired help rushed to my bedside to make sure I was ok, I couldn't shake the strange feeling of being "intellectually dirty" and worse, too ignorant to realize it. In my dream, I was a graduate of Syracuse University.

When I go out to parties with my collar-up friends, I always make sure to wear my authentic diamond cuff links as wearing ersatz accessories with fellow superiors is the quickest way to be the laughing stock at the Yacht Club. The reason why I bring this up is Syracuse University is the "costume jewelry" of northeast Universities.

It may sound nice to the great unwashed, but in truth, you can't spell "SUNY" without "SU". To attend or have graduated from Syracuse is the academic equivilent of wearing cubic zirconias to the Country Club's annual Cotillion or enjoying a domestic "brew" at a public golf course with my landscaper. Like many New York state schools, SU is where New Yorkers send their children to college before they begin their life of crime (or in SU football player Diamond Ferri's case, where Everett, MA families send their kid to college to begin his life of crime).

The overall reputation of Syracuse University among the masses is generally a good one. Due to propaganda from the many media members who have graduated from SU, to the commoner a degree from Syracuse is thought to be a good one. To those educated ones in high society like your superiors at the 'Nation, we realize a degree from Syracuse is a social embarrassment and is as useless as a "legal age" co-ed in a University of Maine hockey dormitory.

While most SU graduates actually have real jobs, unlike graduates from Boston University or U. of New Hampshire whose sole responsibility in their work day is to tackle the pressing enigma of 'paper vs. plastic', Syracuse alums live in mortal fear. They fear the day when the overall mainstream finds out that Syracuse is not much better than a state school whose reputation is blown out of proportion by it's sycophantic media alumni network.

Need proof? A quick study into Syracuse's course selections for this fall semester offers these intellectual carnival rides: The Geography of Wine, Game Theory, and my personal favorite, Introduction to Stuttering (your superiors are not kidding you).

Needless to say, students and fans of the "Orange" look towards Chestnut Hill, Mass. and quietly wish they were fortunate enough to be accepted into Boston College and escape the snowy wasteland in upstate New York. Their anger and jealousy is best displayed when discussing BC's recent move to the ACC.

While they dislike Boston College for abandoning the Big East for the guilded walkways of Tobacco Road, they conveniently forget they were willing to leave the Big East for the ACC themselves before being left at the NCAA altar.

Some believe that Syracuse simply was asleep at the switch when the ACC called and they were too slow to respond costing them an invitation. Others, knowing the mid-level academic reputation they really have, feel that when ACC chief John Swofford called, Syracuse AD Jake Crouthamel simply took a page out of Syracuse's course selection guide and stuttered to the point that Swofford simply hung up and moved on.

Either way, collar-ups should try to be nice to these people as the Syracuse student of today is the chimney-sweeper or Septic repairman of tomorrow. Circle of life.

Collar Up.

- DW


At 11:16 PM, Anonymous APS said...

Interesting. I know you're partially kidding, but Game Theory is an actual class at many universities. I've known many people (usually math or stats majors) at other universities who've taken it. They are all leading productive lives that don't include angry rants that stem from an inferiority comlex from being a fan of the 3rd or 4th best university in their town. Also, SU has better lacrosse than BC does hockey.


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