Hillbilly Warning Alert Level raised to "Severe" in Boston this weekend

After taking advantage of another slow-witted New Hampshire resident in lucrative business deal this morning, I couldn't help noticing that both UNH and the University of Maine have advanced to this weekend's Hockey East championships in Boston. UNH will play Boink University while America's Team will tune-up for Saturday's Hockey East final when they take on the Fighting Sanctions of the University of Maine.

Here in civilization, we are tolerant of the genetically mutated galoots from the Redneck Riviera portion of New Hampshire and the clodhopping bestials from the "Land that Time Forgot" in Maine. This tolerance, however, by your superiors and others in the collar-up community should not be tested. Though most NH and Maine residents are used to parking their trailers and calling it "home" wherever they see fit, some social rules must be followed here in the collar-up city of Boston.

First, it's important we discuss personal hygiene. Some are basic, but if your family's evolution is slow and just on its second generation of walking on two-legs, we can't assume even the most basic concepts will be adhered to.

1.) Cleaning your ears in public with the keys to your pick-up is a faux pas.
2.) Delaying bathing by excessive use of cologne/perfume products is not acceptable.
3.) If you're a female, remember to clean the slime from under your fingernails. Dirt, grease, etc under one's fingernails will distract others from admiring any cubic zirconias and/or fashionable tattoos displayed on your fingers.

With personal hygiene taken care of, it's important that Maine and New Hampshire fans understand proper etiquette when dining in one of Boston's several restaurants.

1.) Under no circumstances should you use a restaurant glass as a "dip cup".
2.) You will not be allowed to bring in boxes of wine or homemade whiskey into any Boston dining establishment.
3.) If a restaurant requires a "jacket" for men to wear in the dining room, understand that jackets displaying "NASCAR heroes", "Beer logos", "Tobacco products", or "8-Balls" are not acceptable.
5.) If you choose to pay your bill with a credit card, understand that "Exxon" or "Mobil" cards will not be accepted.
4.) Shirts and shoes are required, regardless of whether or not you own either. (Note: Shirt should not be a bowling shirt.)


Tasteful clothing, required in quality Boston restaurants, can hide even the most severe genetic mutations of Maine or New Hampshire fans.

With hygiene and dining etiquette taken care of, it's time the people you wish you were talked with you about driving. Boston has the reputation of being one of the tougher cities to drive around, so it is important to understand some basic 'rules' when driving in our metropolis.

1.) "Right of way" is not determined by whomever drives the bigger truck.
2.) If you are renting a vehicle, check with the rental car facility before slapping "Anyone but Gordon" or "Intimidator Lives" bumper stickers on the vehicle.
3.) Under no circumstances should you fire guns at Boston street signs.

Now, for those New Hampshirites or Mainers who do not own a double-wide trailer and must seek hotel accomodations, please take note.

1.) You will not be allowed to hunt on hotel property. Any animals found on hotel property grounds are not to be killed or molested.
2.) Ice machines are to be used for beverages only and should not be used to clean one's armpits.
3.) Hotels generally charge by the person. If your family has more than 15 members and all are seeking accomodations, please notify hotel at time of check-in.
4.) Finally, it is important you ask for a room that allows smoking. Since all NH or Maine visitors smoke or dip tobacco products, it is imperative that you refrain from smoking in a "non-smoking" room. As outlandish as the concept of "no smoking" may sound to you, smoking in a civilized society is generally frowned upon.

So there you have it, four simple guidelines to live by during your trip to "the big city". On behalf of your superiors, please enjoy our city and have a safe visit. Although we realize that UNH and Maine fans will both likely be driving home this weekend sadder than a Mark Chesnutt tune due to their teams' performances, we do want you to come back someday. For collar-ups, UNH and Maine fans provide us a moment of amusement. For those aspiring to be collar-up, you folks give them something to contrast.

Collar Up.

- DW

(Pinhead Nation raises our flumes and toasts our friends at Worldwidewedgie.com for their support and assistance with this article.)