The Massholes are coming! The Massholes are coming!

After showing the rest of Hockey East who their daddy is once again, America's Team opens their playoff run against the glorified High School that is U.Mass-Amherst. While collar-ups anticipate a quick dismissal of the UMass icers, BC fans must be advised that fans of the University of Massachusetts are clearly the detritus of the nation and can quickly become violent.

First, though, your superiors must discuss this weekend's match-up. Considering Boston College is 31-5-2 against UMass all-time, the people you wish you were don't anticipate much of a contest in either game. Although BC fans will remember the stunning loss to Kenmore State last winter in the semis, understand that UMass would be barely be a contender for the Super 8 high school championship, let alone the Hockey East crown.

The main point of our story today, though, isn't to discuss the impending destruction of the Minutemen's sorry existence, but to warn fellow collar-ups what can happen when the words "UMass fans" and "playoffs" are used in the same sentence.

Your superiors have contacted several qualified sociologists to discuss this unique behavioral trait associated with students of UMass-Amherst and none have been able to explain it. The best theory presented so far is that UMass students, upset and angry over the fact that they played the game of life and lost, are rebelling against their pathetic lives through social disobedience. Due to several nights of drinking grain alcohol during high school, coupled with low-income family structures, UMass students have achieved substandard academic results and non-existent SAT scores.


UMass students are known as the dumbest collegians in America

Although UMass graduates tend to be ornary due to several academic and economic reasons, they do work hard to carry their weight in the work force. Though slow and dim-witted, alumni of the University of Massachusetts have managed to dominate most entry level positions at some of America's most famous food establishments. Despite below and, in some cases, sub-human intellect, your superiors are delighted to know that if we're hungry late, we can visit one of countless UMass graduates thanks to "late night menus" at hundreds of eateries across America.


UMass graduates dominate America's culinary fast food industry

Unfortunately, even though they have easy access to "Happy Meals", few UMass graduates or students are actually happy people. Again, due to deep-rooted anger and inferiority towards those in the collar-up community, UMass students tend to become agitated very easily.

Recently, a UMass student was stabbed in the neck following a fashion show at an on-campus ballroom in front of 700 people. Although your superiors consider things as fashion shows very "collar up" events, it seems the wretched inhabitants of Amherst cannot act civilized even for something as social as a fashion show. Fortunately, UMass police were able to use pepper-spray to ensure the stabbing didn't precipitate a major riot.

Speaking of riots, it is impossible to discuss UMass without the 'R' word. I remember sitting in front of the fire at Stately Pinhead Manor after the Red Sox lost to the Yankees in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS and was stunned to see several UMass students returning to their neanderthalic tendencies.

Though I was equally upset at the results of that ballgame, I was more inclined to throw my Cristal in the fireplace than throw a Chrysler at a police officer as I saw many UMass students doing on my television. While some may blame alcohol, upper class types like your superiors will always find blame in their shameful upbringing and the fact that they were not raised in a privileged way such as the members of the 'Nation.


A UMass celebration without a riot is like a UMass student without a sub-500 SAT Score

As America's Team prepares to use UMass as a tune-up for the Hockey East championships in two weeks, be advised that all collar-ups should park their imported cars far away from the Dodge Darts and Chevy Nova's sporting UMass stickers on their back windows. Though a victory is impossible for UMass fans, a night of lighting fires and burning cars is equally satisfying for the great unwashed of Amherst.

Collar Up.

- DW