Thursday, March 17, 2005

Pinhead Nation's 2004-05 All-Milk Carton Team

Although Friday is usually "Pinhead Nation Mailbag Day", your superiors have chosen to deviate from our normal schedule for a very special awards presentation. While we realize you are disappointed at no mailbag today, our personal feelings are buoyed by the fact that we really don't care how you feel, and second, because the people you wish you were feel it's time to reward some folks who really deserve special recognition. Fear not, the Friday mailbag you cannot live without will return next Friday.

Without further adieu, your superiors are proud to announce our first annual Pinhead Nation All-Milk Carton Team for the 2004-05 Hockey East season. These recipients, each individually dreadful, are made even more repugnant when gathered together on one team. The All-Milk Carton Team is a collection of underachieving, non-performing derelicts whose teams would have better off playing a man down rather than allowing them to embarrass themselves on the ice. Here are this year's winners chosen by the 'Nation after hours of deliberation at Stately Pinhead Manor.

Pinhead Nation’s 1st annual Hockey East All-Milk Carton team:

F, Brian McConnell, Boston University – So far this season, McConnell has "captured" 8 goals and 12 assists as the senior captain for Boink University. He also had a team high (and perhaps league-high) 63 PIMs this year to go along with a dreadful –5 rating in his 38 games played this year. While he raised his point total from last year (up from 16 points), "McScholarship-waste's" production continues to spiral from his point production during his freshman and sophomore campaigns. Though he arrived at BU from the United States Development Program with high potential, Brian's career has followed a long line of Terrier busts that saw their careers swirl the bowl and eventually disappear. Look for McConnell to be pouring McShake's at a drive-thru near you shortly after graduation.

F, Ben Murphy, Maine – The senior forward had 3 goals, 7 assists for a
whopping 10 points. He’s on pace to match his 11 points from his sophomore and junior seasons, which saw his production drop from 16 in his freshman season. He also had only a +1 rating in the 27 games he actually played this season. This type of production from the former Cushing star is sure to make guys like former BU bust John Sabo blush. Murphy, a native of North Andover, MA, does earn points for being smart enough to leave his hometown rather than associate himself with a program as slipshod as Merrimack College. Instead, he chose a program synonymous with cheating and completely devoid of academic integrity in Maine. Fortunately for Murphy, after spending four years in Orono, he now speaks fluent French and is an expert in Canadian culture.

F, Peter Trovato, UMass-Amherst – Like the UMass basketball program, the Minutemen' hockey program has also chosen to give scholarships to athletes completely lacking in athletic talent. Case in point, your superiors bring you Peter Trovato. Trovato has proven you do not need a shred of talent to wear a Divison 1 hockey sweater. Another display of pure "offensive prowess", Trovato has tallied 0 goals and 10 assists in 38 games played for this senior forward out of North Attleboro, Massachusetts. He also posted a –9 rating and 28 penalty minutes this season. Sadly, now that America’s Team has ended UMass’ season, Trovato will end his career with a pitiful season high of 10 points. While he certainly had a Collar-Down season and a no-collar career, his academic accomplishments (he is a finalist for the Humanitarian Award), is something Pinhead Nation and Collar-Ups around the world respect a great deal. Although Trovato achieved a tremendous academic record, your superiors must remind ourselves that he attended a University whose diploma means as much to the collar-up world of Academia as the runner-up trophy in a 4th grade inner-city dodgeball tournament.

D, Jekabs Redlihs, Boston University – The junior out of Riga, Latvia is on a pace to go into uncharted territory next season, a sub-zero point total to end his pathetic career. After starting off with 16 points as a freshman, he posted just 6 points in an injury-riddled sophomore season. This year, although playing in all 38 games for the BC Rejects, the "Riga Rocket" has really brought shame to the motherland by tallying just one point. Defensively, he’s a –3 and has put up 28 penalty minutes this season. Though no one knows the root of Redlihs' on-ice problems this year, the 'Nation fears Redlihs has been spending too much time with his fellow Eurotrash on the several dance floors on Landsdowne Street. The 'Nation has found out that Redlihs will change his name to Bourque and will immediately receive interest from the Washington Capitals and his once-pathetic career will be dubbed "stellar".

D, Peter Tormey, Umass-Lowell – It’s tough to pick a guy from Umass-Lowell since they never get any heralded recruits, but a senior defenseman that has had a truly awful career must be given some recognition. With his career ended last weekend in the land that evolution missed (Maine), he finished the season with a whopping 1 point - 0 goals, 1 assist. He was also –7 this season in his 24 games for the CrackhouseHawks. He fell off dramatically after posting 9 and 7 points in his sophomore and junior seasons, respectively. He has finished his career with an abysmal 18 career points. He really has nothing going for him and we see no need to kick a Lowell player when he’s down. Having to walk the Earth with a UMass-Lowell degree is, arguably, cruel and unusual punishment in itself.

G, Jeff Pietrasiak, University of New Hampshire – This junior goaltender has assumed the starting job at the beginning of the season as the eldest and best goaltender remaining on the team after the graduation of our beloved "Touchdown" Mike Ayers. But this season, he saw his role as the starter vanquish into the dark night like UNH's annual title hopes in April. That’s because he has posted a 2.90 GAA and .903 save % with a record of 11-6-3 overall in 22 games played this season. Even more embarrassing, he’s been replaced by a freshman goaltender who has come in and done a better job (except for the monkey-shining he received from America’s Team up in Titletown, USA). Ultimately, we salute Pietrasiak for upholding the fine tradition of embarrassing goaltending performances that we have all come to love from the fine folks up North. Pinhead Nation has searched through our archives and we believe this is the first time in history a goalie has been replaced after showing his UNH "playoff" form.

Congratulations to all our recipients and your superiors invite you to join us as we raise our flumes in honor of the All-Milk Carton Team. Though most awards are given to overachievers, the 'Nation honors a group of such detritus, they make anyone who shares the ice with them that much better.

Collar Up.

- Mav and DW


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