Thursday, April 14, 2005

Frozen Four Diary

While enjoying the good life in Columbus, Ohio (if that's even possible), your superiors employed one of our underlings to keep a journal detailing our trip so to remember the day "the upper crust" and "true elitism" honored Columbus and The Ohio State University with our visit. Below is a chronicle of the week the people you wish you were celebrated in the deleterious land of central Ohio.

Wednesday, 10:30 pm.
We arrive at Columbus airport and are on our way to our limo. As we walk through the terminal (those ungracious rubes refused to let our limo pick us up on the runway), we witnessed 120 blondhaired North Dakota fans loitering while waiting for their bus and whispering something about a superior race.

Wednesday, 10:31 pm
As a result of the entire population of North Dakota being in Columbus (the above mentioned 120 North Dakota fans) Canada marches an army full of cheap strippers liquored up on Molson Export into the defenseless state and claims it as a new Canadian province. When the news of the invasion hits, most Americans brush it off as most thought North Dakota was already part of Canada.

Thursday, 11:43 am
We witness our first UNH fan wearing NASCAR garb. Immediately, we realized that you can take a UNH fan out of New Hampshire, but you can't take "white trash" out of a UNH fan.

Thursday, 2:00 pm
The first semifinal starts. Denver is here. CC hasn't shown up yet.

Thursday, 2:30 pm
First intermission and we see a girl from UNH. She tells us that she hasn't showered today. We're not surprised. She tells us soon after that she WANTS to take a shower after the game. We are VERY surprised.

Thursday, 3:30 pm
CC still hasn't shown up. A MCR (Missing Canadians Report)is filed with Columbus Police Department seeking the whereabouts of the Tiger hockey team. Columbus Police immediately light up highway signs for a state-wide "Amber Alert", but realize such an alert would only be effective for locating Keith Johnson's girlfriend, so the alert is called off.

Thursday, 3:42 pm
CC scores and they are only down by 3 goals. An RIT fan sitting behind us that looks more dead than alive, takes our her dentures and screams "one more time Tigers!". Apparently, she is a resident of the "Land of Moral Victories" (a la the "Friends of UNH Hockey") or has a ph.D in mathematics from the University of Massachusetts. Your superiors chose not to chortle at the RIT fan as there is no point in making fun of a club hockey team.

Thursday, 7:00 pm
The second semifinal begins. North Dakota's band immediately starts a musical piece used during Hitler's march into town during World War II. Cheers of "Hail Zajac" are heard throughout the rink as the UND Fighting Aryans take the ice against the Minnesota Gophers.

Thursday, 9:30 pm
Minnesota pulls a "Poland" against the Third Reich's hockey program and surrenders without breaking a sweat. The Sioux add insult to injury by shaving Gopher coach Don Lucia's head to send a message of intimidation to those Minnesota fans living along the North Dakota border.

Friday, 2:00 pm
CC's Marty Sertich wins the Hobey Baker Award. However, he cannot accept the trophy as it had gone missing minutes before the ceremony. It was later found that USCHO's Paul Weston "got the munchies" and ate the fabled trophy after a tray of brownies was misplaced by Arena caterers and no food was present for the ceremony. Weston was nabbed by local authorities when remnants of the trophy were seen inbedded in her mustache.

Friday, 7:08 pm
We receive a call from a source that Chris Bourque, who had just signed a tryout contract with the AHL's Portland Pirates, has just held an impromptu press conference in Portland. Here is the official transcript:

Chris Bourque: "I have decided to leave the Portland Pirates. I didn't think it was going to be as hard or as serious as it was. Jeez everyone, can't you make it easy for me? Don't you know who my dad is? (Chris Bourque begins to cry) Daddy help me..."

Portland Pirates PR official: "As you can see, Chris is very upset. This press conference is over."

The 'Nation feels bad for Baby Bourque. He went from hockey's equivilent of a "McDonald's All-American" to an "All-American who will likely be working for McDonalds." As a BU dropout, he automatically is accepted into the McDonald's Management Training Program and with his quick hands, should be Vice President In Charge of the Fryolater by year's end.

Saturday, 7:30 pm:
Like soldiers storming the beaches at Normany, the Denver Pioneers pummel Nazi Dakota and send the Sioux into full retreat. Denver's allied forces surround "Desert Fox" Drew Stafford and "Eich Mein Parise" and by 9pm, accepts North Dakota's full and complete surrender to capture the NCAA crown for the second straight year.

Saturday, 10pm:
Dakota coach Dave Hakstol is located hidden in his bunker deep in Columbus' underbelly and, reportedly, takes his own life by being forced to watch hours of BU coach Jack Parker's instructional video on "The Fast Break Offense and Creating Scoring Chances". With the Dakota regime defeated and its leader eliminated, screams of joy and happiness fill the streets of Denver that will last right up until the horrid play of the Denver Broncos quickly sobers up the Mountain High masses.

Sunday, 9am:
After waking to a round of Bloody Marys', the people you wish you were are carted off to the airport where our chartered jet awaits. During the flight home, we reflect on our journey and think of those who minumum waged employees who helped us enjoy ourselves during the week.

Collar Up.

- Mav


Post a Comment

<< Home