Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Merrimack Achieves New Level of Embarrassment

There are many instances in the life of a Collar-Up that we thank the good graces for making us the superior folks we are. Through quality family upbringing, strict adherence to social structure, and most important, superb education, the people you wish you were enjoy life and take pity on those less fortunate.

That being said, we do realize we are a lucky sort and understand that most aren't as privileged as your superiors at Pinhead Nation. As we traveled home from the Collar-Up Convention held this past week in Columbus, Ohio during the NCAA Frozen Four, we reflected on our optimacy and imagined the plight of the raffish hobnails that we must tolerate in society every day.

During our conversation, it didn't take long until we began to focus our discussion on the rueful society that is Merrimack College. Students are forced to attend a school like Merrimack for many reasons that may or may not be their own fault (lack of funds to attend a legitimate college, limited brainpower due to a mother who drank large amounts of anti-freeze during pregnancy, etc). One group of Merrimack students who chose to attend the school to play in a Division 1 hockey program went out of their way to bring further embarrassment to a school that epitomizes the word "wretched" during this past week.

Trojan Condoms share a similar logo with Merrimack College's. According to a Trojan spokesman, like a Trojan, Merrimack hockey is good for one shot every three hours.

The latest installment of Merrimack idiocy surrounds their head coach Chris Serino. Serino, an expert at coaching a loser from his days as a UNH assistant, was made aware that a vote was taken by the entire MC Warrior hockey team unanimously demanding his resignation. They blame Serino for this past year's side-splitting 8-win season as well as the fact that the Warriors have never finished above 7th in Hockey East during his tenure.

Warrior coach Chris Serino, upon hearing of his player's vote, must have surmised the "vote" was a verbal one and not a petition as none of the current Merrimack players know how to write.

Since Serino is currently the interim Athletics Director at Merrimack, it seems that Hockey East's band of 25 year-old Canadian thugs will be forced to take their grievance to Merrimack President Richard Santagati. Pinhead Nation's position in this fight is clear, MC's players, who would be pumping gas at the Thunder Bay, Ontario Exxon Station if not for Serino's scholarship offer, should realize that they are fortunate to be a member of Hockey East.

Like the logos for the LA Clippers and TB Devils Rays, the Merrimack College logo is a synonym for athletic refuse.

The question that surfaces in the highly developed minds of your superiors is why the student body hasn't demanded the resignation of Serino. Since 2000, his Warriors have averaged a humilating 9.5 wins per season and, with no talent to speak of, resort to cheap play often resulting in injuries to their talented opposition. The only assumption to be made is the dunderheaded Merrimack students have simply accepted losing as a part of their collegiate experience or realize their lives have many greater problems than the plight of their hockey program.

Merrimack fans realize their hockey program is laugh-out-loud embarrassing, but accept it as just another failed aspect of their ineffectual lives.

With Serino's dismissal from Merrimack clearly forthcoming, the 'Nation will be interested to see who takes over behind the bench at the Volpe Center next fall. The ultimate irony would be if former Northeastern cast-off Bruce Crowder was hired to continue the moribund tradition of Warrior hockey. The good news for MC fans is they can't go anywhere but up, the bad news, of course, is they are still Merrimack College fans.

Collar Up.

- DW


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