Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Poker, the Official Game of the Socially Retarded Male

As I sat in my residence sipping a surprisingly piquant glass of brandy from Yountville in the Napa Valley, I was curious to see what I could find on the television. After ordering one of my drones to flip the channels on the remote control until finding a program to my liking, I quickly became aware that our society is close to its all-time nadir. Of all the incomprehensible idiocy being broadcasted today, nothing comes close to the bedrock of white trash that is televised poker.

Your superior's position on poker, and other card games, is clear: Poker is a game played by corpulent shut-in males completely devoid of athletic ability, who feel that winning a card game somehow justifies their cadaverous lives. In the world of a collar-down washout, the thrill of defeating a fellow decaying sloth in poker, who has likely consumed between 8-12 "Miller High-Life's", somehow catapults himself to the highest level of competitive success.

Dateless and unemployed friends can always count on Poker for a night of socially retarded enjoyment

The greatest misconception among those who spend their weekends sitting around a card table smoking "White Owl's" is one can "become an expert" at poker. For those who want to challenge the people you wish you were on this concept, understand the basic concept of cards, and gambling in general, is based on nothing but pure luck. Sure, you can "bluff" and through countless years of absorbing the incalculable bark of an elephantine wife, you can develop a comatose "poker face". Unfortunately for those seeking to master the art of Poker-Nirvana, the game is 1% skill and 99% luck.

Now, realizing that poker is a game built for the current or future "dead beat dad", your superiors are at a complete loss to understand the concept of watching poker on television. As my subordinate flipped the channels on my HD, I was astounded to see several programs displaying countless raffish louts trying to "outsmart" eachother at the poker table. To be honest, I'm not sure if I was more surprised that some of these likely fugitives would risk being spotted on TV by the FBI or by the fact that there are people in America who were actually watching this detritus.

Poker players may not know how to flush a toilet, but certainly know this kind of "flush"

Although your superiors scoff at those who play poker, we understand that, in many cases, the "Queen of Hearts" is the closest many of these offscourings of society will get to actually touching a "female" weighing less than a Volkswagen. Poker is a game that brings rabble together where they can freely discuss and compare alimony payments, as well as play the "who has gone the longest without seeing their children" game.

That being said, we surmise that one must be below the lowest rung of society's ladder to actually sit in front of a television and watch others play poker. Playing poker with a handful of your "lowest common denominator" friends is one thing, but how lonely of a castaway must one be to actually sit alone in front of the tube and watch other lumpy also-rans play?

It's clear to your superiors that the intellectual capacity of our society is approaching an all-time low. With the emergence of nationally televised NASCAR and live ESPN telecasts of poker, the disparity between collar-ups and collar-downs has never been so great. Our white collar society has evolved into a white-trash one. Perhaps there will be a day when polo and sailing, once again, dominate the competitive minds of the casual citizen. Until then, there will be two sets of society: Those who aspire to be Boston Brahmin, and those who aspire to win at Texas Hold 'Em.

Collar Up.

- DW


At 1:47 PM, Blogger Jeekers Cripe said...

Did you happen to catch the National Scrabble Championship Tourneyment on ESPN2 last week? "Jimmy is a two time national scrabble champion and a concert pianist, someday he hopes to kiss a girl."


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