Wednesday, May 04, 2005

A Flutopian Society

I was sitting in the cabin of my private plane heading to Manhattan when I got the call from one of my drones back home. He informed me that Patriots coach Bill Belichick, the greatest coach in NFL history, had finally achieved true 'collar-up' status by signing the legendary Doug Flutie to a contract to play with New England.

Flutie, Boston College's outstanding Heisman Trophy winner in 1984, who is still one of the better quarterbacks in the NFL today at age 42, is the epitome of the 'collar-up' philosophy. A Boston College graduate who does nothing but win and wears his collar up while doing so. At just 5'9", Flutie threw for over 11,000 yards in college (the first to ever throw for 11k), and in the professional ranks (NFL and Canada), Flutie's 57,951 passing yards ranks just behind former Miami Dolphin big-game flop Dan Marino at 61,361.

Doug Flutie: Legendary Quarterback and American Hero

Predictably, when New England signed Flutie to back up Tom Brady (you'd better keep winning, Tom), opinions were mixed and split right down social class lines: Collar-ups applauded the move, while the social miscarriages, who resort to scratching lottery tickets or poker winnings to support their repulsive familes, panned the signing.

BC's "Miracle in Miami" victory is still considered the greatest college football game of all time (if you exclude Boston U's 1982 battle against Bauder Fashion College)

Up here in New England where life is better than where you live, even fans who troll in the lower middle-class realize the magic that Doug Flutie possesses. One group who clearly despises the signing, not surprisingly, is the Boston College reject society that resides at the raffish end of Commonwealth Avenue.

Most BU students/alums, even the few who actually speak english, tend to be fans of the New England Patriots. Whether its because they are the only football team they know or because their failed lives force them to gravitate to a winner for the purpose of justifying their existence, they support the football dynasty in Foxboro. By signing Flutie, the symbol incarnate of everything that reminds them that they 'played the game of life and lost', is a spear to their hearts. For the BU community, this is the kind of thing that makes the scarlet and white-trash dance extra hard on Landsdowne Street or, perhaps, gives them thoughts to returning home and tending to their camels.

Upon hearing that Flutie signed with the Patriots, thousands of BU students took to the streets on the Boston University campus to protest.

For the collar-up, Flutie playing with New England is a dream come true, a classic winner joins the classic winner. For those who wake every morning remembering the pain of their BC rejection letter, this is like finding out your new girlfriend has a penis (probably bigger than yours) or that at spring commencement, your degree will be handed out inside a "Happy Meal" box.

There is a segment of the population that dislikes Flutie because he represents their own individual athletic failure. There's an old saying that "those who do, play, those who don't, coach, and those who can't, play poker". For the latter group who has spent much of their post-high school life blaming their diminutive size for holding back their athletic future, Flutie is a slap in their faces. A NFL quarterback with more than 50,000 passing yards who looks like a mailman is proof that they, in fact, lacked the athletic ability required to succeed and the feeling that they were robbed because of their size had nothing to do with it.

Not Flutie related, just a random shot at our poker playing friends showing that even gargantuan and unathletic women play cards, too

Considering the success that Flutie brings wherever he goes, the people you wish you were have no doubt that he will make a name for himself this fall in Foxboro. Though Brady is the best quarterback in football, albeit from a worthless institution in Michigan, your superiors conceit that Flutie will be resorted to Brady's understudy.

Flutie was our obvious choice for the cover of the first edition of "Pinheads: The Magazine"

The former Saturday Night Live host had better stay healthy and stay effective, though, if he wishes to continue his legacy in New England. The way Flutie's gilded life has gone, it would be fitting if the football gods allowed the collar-up quarterback to lead the Patriots to a third straight Super Bowl victory before heading off into the collar-up sunset.

Collar Up.

- DW


At 5:46 PM, Blogger Endless Mike said...

Bully good post, chaps! I do say, even a dynasty like the Patriots could use more collar-ups on the roster. I'm sure Mr. Flutie will help them hone their polo skills in the offseason.

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