Thursday, May 12, 2005

Grand Theft Auto: UConn Football

While sitting in the lounge at our country club this past weekend, the people you wish you were found ourselves invited to our dear friend T. Fidler Rothschild's son's 10th birthday celebration. Rothschild, normally a cad, had just finished boasting about his recent sailing trip with Italian sailing legend Luca Bassani on his new Aicon 64 when he asked us to attend his oldest son's birthday.

Normally, your superiors would rather drink a domestic beer than spend social time with a nouveau riche braggart such as Rothschild, but hearing of sailing tales with such a collar-up legend as Bassani left us with insatiable desire to hear more. Reluctantly, we chose to attend his son's birthday so to learn more of Rothschild's expedition with with great Luca Bassani.

Soon after agreeing to attend this festivity, your superiors suddenly realized a gift idea for Master Rothschild was becoming quite an enigma. Upon returning home to Stately Pinhead Manor, I summoned my landscaper, who was just returning from his Northeastern University class reunion, and asked him for gift ideas for a ten year-old future collar-up.

Hours later, he returned with a video game that he acceded that Master Rothschild would be quite convivial over and if all worked out, your collar-up heroes would find ourselves invited to the next sailing expedition with Rothschild and his Italian sailing friend. The video game was a disturbing piece of urban detritus called "Grand Theft Auto: UConn Football". I flipped the box over and started reading the description of this game:

"Two years ago, Donta Moore escaped from the pressures of life in Tampa, Florida...a city tearing itself apart with gang trouble, drugs and corruption. Where film stars and millionaires do their best to avoid the dealers and gangbangers. Looking to get away from the violence, Donta agreed to play football at the University of Connecticut where the pressures of beating an opponent would not exist.

Now, it's 2005 and Donta is stuck in Storrs, CT and his desire for gang-related crime has not been cooled. Two years of playing in a sub-par college football program who strive to sue opponents rather than beat them on the gridiron has left Donta with an empty feeling that only gangland violence can satisfy.

Donta Moore: "free" safety and "free" on bond

While walking the UConn campus, a couple of corrupt state legislators try to pin their failed Big East lawsuit on him and Donta is forced on a journey that would take him to the mean streets of Willimantic, CT.

Join Donta on a wild and dangerous ride through the ghettos of the Nutmeg State where he joins teammates Tyvon Branch, Daniel Davis, Daniel Lansanah, and Marvin Taylor in shooting out car windows while avoiding gangland boss "Big Bad Blumenthal" along the way.

Liberty City. Vice City, now UConn Football, a new chapter in the legendary series from Rockstar games. Grand Theft Auto: UConn Football is rated "AR" for "ACC Rejects""

According to GamePro Magazine, Grand Theft Auto: UConn Football will get your blood pumping, but in the end, will let you down and will eventually file suit against you.

Sitting in my den reading this video game description was enough to make me run to the medicine cabinet for some penicillin, but Master Rothschild, apparently, would enjoy it. Hopefully the joy on his face upon opening our gift will ensure a spot on the Aicon 64 for a future collar-up sailing expedition soon. The things your superiors will do to maintain collar-up status...

Collar Up.

- DW

*a flip of our collars to SteveJBr for his photoshop expertise.


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