Friday, August 19, 2005

Mailbag Friday, 8/19

Another Friday is upon us as is another installment of Pinhead Nation's Mailbag Friday. Remember, if there's something on your torpid mind or if you need a superincumbent opinion to solve one of your menial dilemmas, you can drop your superiors a line at . If you're fortuitous, we'll answer your inquiry and do our best to make you a better member of society, as unattainable as that may seem.

Q - Tim P. (Cape Cod, MA). Dear Pinheads, this is a problem so great, I've been suffering with it for many months now. My chauffeur, bartender, caddy, and chef couldn't solve it. I was watching the Red Sox vs. Yankees on my plasma at my Cape house a few months ago when it hit me. I noticed that the Red Sox all have long and unkempt hair while few speak English and those who do are all from square-shaped red states that I can't locate on a map. These people have "public school" written all over them.

On the other side of the field was the Yankees, short hair, all-business, and acting like professionals. If that hick commissioner would let them wear collars on their uniforms, they'd be popped proudly. I also noticed that Red Sox fans hate the Yankees like Kenmore State students hate those from America's Best University.

Please don't question my collar-up credentials as my collar is popped so high it's visible from space. After my parents spent $12k per year on my Montessori School, I attended Cape Cod Academy, after which I received a BA from Boston College in philosophy. I don't know what to do, my world view has been shattered. Please advise.

A - Tim, thank you for your email as it is refreshing to receive correspondence from another member of the haut monde. Your dilemma is one I am quite familiar with. While the Red Sox are the team that our fathers took us to see from the company box, the Yankees do represent collar-up baseball in its purest form. Their winning tradition is unparalleled and, lets face it, no team has enjoyed more Perrier-Jouet after a championship victory than the Yankees.

There are a couple of things to keep in mind, Tim. The Boston Red Sox were created long ago to provide entertainment for the blue-bloods of Boston and named in their honor. Back in the early 1900's (prior to the invention of the true popped collar), the cognoscenti of Boston showed their superior social status by wearing red socks around town. To the early 20th century commoner, seeing a Boston Brahmin sporting red socks carried the same social weight as a contemporary, yet feculent, Northeastern graduate beaming with envy at a Boston College alumnus today.

Not only did the early Red Sox honor Boston's upper-crust, they did so while wearing collars on their uniforms.

So, as you can see, the Boston Red Sox are the only true collar-up ballclub from its inception. Although the Yankees have had more on-field successes and do not carry themselves in the rapscallion manner that today's Red Sox do, as you know, our own personal social peerage is defined by our lineage. The history of Boston baseball is one that honors our collar-up forefathers, the creme de la creme of Boston's elite and the predecessors of our town's collar-up philosophy.

Q - Anonymous (New York, NY). Guys, I'm new to your site and I do get a kick out of it. Here's the deal. I work with a guy at a company called "MMC" who is obsessed with you. He has no idea that I'm emailing you guys, but everytime I walk by his computer, he's on your blog (Apparently, it angers him greatly). I don't have a question for you but I just wanted to let you know that your site is effecting his productivity. See ya later.

A - Thank you for your concern and we appreciate hearing about Pinhead Nation's impact on the financial services industry. Your superiors find that simpletons with horrible minimal wage-earning jobs tend to strike out against those who succeeded in life. Despite several offers to make a dunderhead's life better by sharing our philosophy of elitism, it's rare that those who drown their sorrows in Old Milwaukee take advantage of the opportunity.

Although accomplished and all-knowing, Pinhead Nation has been known to anger the feebleminded at the workplace.

Well, that's going to do it for another edition of Pinhead Nation's mailbag. We welcome your questions and may post them on next week's edition. Your superiors advise you to take advantage of this rare opportunity to improve your standing. With a lot of work and some luck, you could go from washing lettuce or pouring coffee to actually owning your own tuxedo someday. The choice is yours.

Collar Up.

- DW


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