Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Hillbilly Haven Turns 142

Greetings from your superiors on a very busy day in Pinhead Nation. Normally, the people you wish you were would apologize for such a long time between missives, but frankly, we were too busy to deal with the detritus who come to this site for personal and spiritual refinement.

As you may know, this week marks a very special day in our nation's history. One hundred forty-two years ago, the United States of America managed to kick thousands of colonial white-trash out of collar-up Virginia and created a state for low-educated, incestuous cannibals and called it "West Virginia".

Since many of our readers are likewise uneducated, your superiors will delight you with a quick historical lesson. Back in the mid-1800s, wealthy landowners from Virginia complained that local drunken riff-raff was depredating their land and was generally unsightly. These curs, found mainly in the western part of Virginia, struggled to feed their families as they were endeavored with small farms and a picayune work ethic.

As any collar-up could imagine, the concept of breeding with such human offscourings repulsed the Virginia cognoscenti and, without any other options, forced the west Virginia residents into incestual knowledge for the continuation of their subhuman families.

Finally, on June 20, 1863, Virginia petitioned the United States government into forcing this decaying portion of the population into its own section of the land and give them their own state called "West Virginia". Tired of finding their animals violated and their furniture burned, Virginians were elated to rid themselves of this segment of the population and happily gave away the mountainous wasteland that was the western portion of their state.

When days turned into months and eventually years, the ideals of West Virginia have persevered over the last 142 years. Though the famous Hatfield and McCoy families of West Virginia have long disappeared, the anger and vitriol has persisted longer than a West Virginia University coed's venereal disease.


Over a century after its creation, collar-up Virginians still require its social slipshods to relocate to West Virginia.

Despite working hard to forget their feculent history, today's West Virginia is still a glaring example of the place where time and social graces forgot. While science and technology has advanced tremendously over the years, West Virginians still maintain the secret to a happy life is drinking homemade liquor made in a trash barrel, followed by a disease-be-damned night of sexual nirvana with a relative.


Drinking and Familial Fornification are social staples in West Virginia.

With the Civil War long ended, West Virginians have been resorted to WVU athletics as an outlet to release their generational pent up anger. Gone are lynchings and Klan related violence that are now socially unacceptable even in a place like West Virginia. Although burning crosses is no longer allowed in the Mountain State (damn Yankee liberals), the idea of burning and dancing around something will always be a part of WV's culture.


Couches have replaced crosses as the new traditional item to burn in West Virginia

Despite years of social evolution in America, West Virginians wear their rural hillbilly backwardness like a badge of honor. Their heads clouded by a haze induced by homemade alcohol and with the deep rooted feeling of inadequacy created by a century's worth of national neglect and ridicule, residents of the Mountain State hold on to the belief that the days of "Devil Anse" Hatfield will come again.

Collar Up.

- DW

3 Comments:

At 2:49 PM, Anonymous Manny Ortez said...

Being Virginia-born and Chestnut Hill-educated, I read your most recent post with relish.

One minor concern which, as a history major, I couldn't bear to overlook. Would Virginia really petition a government with which it was at war? Minor point, I realize, doesn't take away from the flavor of the piece, but I'm confident you could have done better.

Also, more references to coal mining and its related side effects would have been appreciated. There's less bigotry in W.Va - it's hard to be racist when everyone's covered in soot.

 
At 11:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My question to you is what makes you feel so superior to West Virginian's to the point that you can make these comments.

Being from West Virginia, originally, I have to say that the state has many good, kind hearted people that do not deserved to be kicked around like animals. I can agree and say that there may be some parts of the state that are economically deprived and had relations, but if you check into the backwoods and mountains of Virginia, I am sure that you will find the same.

Even so, I am not going to tread on Virginia or any other state to make myself sound or feel more intelligent.

Ulitimately, it sounds to me that there is a portion of you that is so concervative that you have never been able to let loose and have a good time.

Lighten up...

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger vicky said...

HOWDY. I BEEN A HILLBILLY ALL MY LIFE AND IT AIN'T SO BAD. I GUESS WE OZARK HILLBILLYS ARE DIFFERENT THAN THEM OTHERS AS WE TAKE PRIDE IN LIVIVG A SIMPLE UNCOMPLICATED LIFESTYLE. WE THINK YOU HAVE A CHOICE IN THE KIND OF LIFE STYLE A PERSON WANTS TO LIVE. HERE IN AMERICA IF ONE WANTS TO LIVE IN THE COUNTRY YOU SHOULD NOT BE CALLED INFERIOR BECAUSE YOU WANT TO LIVE CLOSER TO NATURE. WE DO BRING IN FRESH BLOOD HERE IN THE OZARKS. A SENSE OF HUMOR IS ALSO IMPORTANT TO US. WE DO NOT MEASURE INTELLIGENCE BY THE AMOUNT OF INFORMATION ONE HAS COLLECTED. THIS IS NO MEASURE OF A MAN.

 

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