Have No Life? You Can Still Have a "Fantasy" Life

Being a superior individual from a elite class of socialites, I will admit that from time to time, I tend to paint with a broad brush when discussing lesser classes of people. I remind myself that not everyone is fortunate to have the education I have nor do most come from the exclusive stock of family heritage as did I. At times, though, my collar-up bretheren and I have no choice but to chortle at the plebieanic methods that many of you rank and file riff-raff use to grant yourselves an ersatz avenue to add meaning to your fustian lives. One of the most pathetic and lamentable ways for many of you to achieve such a goal is to partake in the cyberwretch world of "fantasy football".

For the uninitiated, "fantasy football" is a competitive game played by obese shut-ins who, having absolutely no athletic ability whatsoever, still find a method to find football competition amongst their peers. Normally, fantasy football lasts the duration of the NFL football season and commences when a group of potbellied and socially eliminated males gather to "draft" existing football players to comprise a roster aimed at achieving fantasy football supremacy. Although drafts can take weeks to complete, the ability to study football players without the inconvenience of being gainfully employed tends to expedite many fantasy draft sessions.


Fantasy Football drafts are festive occasions partaken by repudiated misfits who represent the nadir of athletic and social ability.

In the past, the people you wish you were have chided those who play the "game" of poker and how much the card game has contributed to the lives of the classic "out of work, dead-beat dad American male". Many characteristics of fantasy football players are similar to those who spend their weekends playing "Texas Hold 'Em" while maintaining a life completely devoid of female companionship. Both tend to be paunchy and bloated loners who maintain their bachelor pads comfortably nestled in the basement of their parent's home. Also similar, they both take their craft seriously since victory on the fantasy football grid is equally congruent for the fantasy football shut-in to a substantial life victory achieved by a socially adequate individual.


Without such barriers as a job, spouse, or socially acceptable bathing practices, fantasy football "owners" spend countless hours on the internet scouring for quality talent in their draft rooms. (read: mother's basements)

While comparisons to poker players are plentiful, there are some stark differences that make fantasy football players even more godforsaken. Though the poker player mistakenly feels that his success is based on his own skill and not the 100% fortuitous crapshoot that poker actually is, fantasy football gurus rely on accomplished athletes for their rewards. Instead of "bluffing" and "folding" as they do in card games highlighted by high level conversations usually involving alimony payments, these dunderheads rely on the skills of actual employed athletes and merely sit in front of a television as their mode of competition.


Why is this man happy? Did he get a job or find a woman to actually spend time with him without monetary compensation? No. Sadly, this man found his joy in the fact that Oakland Raider Randy Moss was "available" to pick during his 12-hour fantasy draft last weekend.

The one enigmatic aspect of the existence of a fantasy football rube is the strange superior attitudes some display about their hobby. There are few things worse than watching a football game than after an outstanding athletic play on the gridiron, one of these woebegone destitutes informs all around him know that said player "is on his fantasy team." This outward display of giddy and useless information is seen as a cry for help by others, but for the fantasy guru, it is to announce that he is somehow wiser than those within earshot for having the superior "intelligence" in realizing his player's skill and drafting him for his fantasy team.

The etymology of the fantasy football "owner" can be traced back, usually, to his youth. In many regards, fantasy football is simply an extension of years of playing the insufferably aberrant "Dungeons and Dragons" with similar idiosyncratic companions. As years go by, women stay away while these pariahs find new ways to placate their male-centered instincts while massaging their misguided egos in convincing themselves that success in corraling a quality fantasy football team equates to intellectual superiority and social acceptance.


Although having no socially redeeming characteristics whatsoever, the fantasy football owner can hold his head high when "his" Quarterback earns enough fantasy points to help his defeat his likewise downwardly mobile adversary.

In the end, it always goes back to the class and upbringing of the individual. If a person is properly educated and raised in a cultured class, he will becomed learned, attend a fine institution as Boston College, and rise to the top. Without such nurturing, he will likely fall into the morass of worthlessness and spend his weekends, not at the country club, but at the card table or the annual Fantasy Football Draft party.

Collar Up.

- DW