Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Pinhead Nation's PreSeason All-Milk Carton Team

Where do the days go? It seems like just yesterday that your superiors were sitting aboard our Aicon 72 while sipping a zesty 1914 Pierre Ferrand Memoire Cognac and enjoying a spectacular view of the Greek Cyclades.

Now, with the summer sun melting away faster than the national championship dreams of a University of New Hampshire hockey fan, it's time that the people you wish you were began to focus on the upcoming season in Hockey East.

Each year, students of New England's colleges begin the fall semester with meager goals. At Boston College, the importance of networking and meeting appropriate 'collar-up' acquaintances is paramount, while at Boston University, hoping you've lost enough weight over the summer so not to be too obese for the sidewalk tops the list.

Regardless, whether your are a member of the elite from America's Best College in Chestnut Hill or a U. Maine fan still picking splinters out of your posterior from an unkept Orono, Maine outhouse, autumn and college hockey have arrived signalling the best season of the year.

With the new college hockey season on the horizon, Pinhead Nation is proud to announce our "2005-06 All-Milk Carton Team" honoring Hockey East's likely disappointments and busts for the upcoming season.


Maine's Josh Soares is living proof that not all things improve with age. Although starting the season as a 23-year old junior after unseating Thornton Mellon as the world's oldest living freshman at age 21, Soares is a lock to disappoint in 2005-06. After leading the Hamilton Kilty Bees of the OPJHL in scoring with 124 points in 2002, Soares has tallied just 26 points in 50 games in Orono. Although Soares is older than most of his professors at Maine, not surprisingly he did not qualify for Hockey East's Academic All-Star Team last year.

Like Ozzie Canseco, Ken Brett, Roger Clinton, and Billy Carter, UNH's Mark Kolanos proves that the apple does, in fact, fall very far from the tree. While brother Krys scored an overtime goal to seal the 2001 National Title for America's Team, younger brother Mark has done nothing but tarnish the family name. Entering his final year in Titletown, USA, Kolanos has 10 points in 43 career games. Unlike former UNH bust Ed Caron, Kolanos' is hardly a hit with the UNH "ladies" as the Calgary native's looks aren't worth a UNH coed's effort to take her vibrator off her dormitory gunrack and put it to use between games.

It's rare a freshman earns a spot on the PreSeason Milk Carton Team, but your superiors at Pinhead Nation feel BU's Brandon Yip will prove to be a prophetic choice. Not only does he make the forward squad, but he is the proud recipient of the "Co-Rookie of the Year" award. Yip spent the last few years carrying America's Team freshman Brock Bradford's jock around British Columbia and saw his production drop after Bradford wisely left for the USHL's Omaha Lancers. Without a quality player on BU's roster this fall to help him, expect Yip (and the hype that surrounds him) to disappear faster than a box of Krispie Kremes left in a BU sorority house.


Of all of this year's Pre Season Milk Carton Team recipients, Boston University's Dan Spang is the true essence of the word "bust". In 106 total games at Kenmore State, the "Wicked Wunderbust from Winchester" has tallied just 39 points although being heralded as a top recruit after an MVP performance in the Hockey Night In Boston tourney in 2001. To show what a pathetic freshman campaign Spang had (.33 points per game), his team voted him BU's "Most Improved Player" after notching a mere .37 points per game as a sophomore. Following graduation, expect to see Spang enroll in Bloomingdale's Management Training Program joining former Terrier Bryan Miller.

Returning for his junior year of hockey incompetency is Commack, NY native and Northeastern defenseman Steve Birnstill. Birnstill joined the Huskies after former coach Bruce Crowder's primary defensive recruit, an actual traffic cone, spurned the program and chose to pursue a career slowing traffic on the Massachusetts Turnpike's Exit 9 instead. Since arriving at Matthews Arena, Birnstill, affectionately known as "Standstill", has captured 26 points in 70 total games while combining for a career -19 +/- rating. Birnstill achieved the team nadir in +/- futility in 2004-05 with a pathetic -11 rating to embarrass his school and his family.


Not only is BU's John Curry our pick as the goaltender on our Milk Carton squad, he is also the proud recipient of our first annual "PreSeason Milkman of the Year Award" honoring the player who will flop the most in the coming year. Despite a respectable 18-11-3 record, Curry honored the BU motto of "never to excel" by having just a 5-6-1 record against teams in the top 15 in 2004-05. Since the Beanpot means the world to BU, coach Jack Parker ensured a Terrier victory over BC by placing Curry on the bench and playing his backup. If only Parker benched Curry in the postseason, perhaps Kenmore Community College wouldn't have lost their last two games by a combined score of 9-2. With Spang taking on the role of primary defenseman, look for Curry's Goals Against Average to rise faster the average age of a UMaine hockey freshman.

Milk Carton Team Co-Rookie of the Year:

The faster they climb, the faster they fall. Remember this old saying when the NCAA career of Maine freshman goaltender Ben Bishop falls faster than ex-BU Terrier Chris Bourque's Grade Point Average. Bishop, the 2005 third round draft pick throwaway by the St. Louis Blues, will quickly make Maine fans long for the days of Alfie Michaud and Jimmy Howard. Although arriving in Orono with greater hype than last spring's arrival of cable TV (in selected areas), Bishop nearly found himself on the outside looking in when he was almost bypassed by a goaltender who ultimately ended up playing D3 hockey. In all liklihood, the happiest man on the U. Maine campus this year will prove to be backup goaltender Matt Lundin.

Well chums, there you have Pinhead Nation's 2005-06 preseason All-Milk Carton team. Despite the rise of Boston College football and the annual comedic demise of the New York Yankees, college hockey season has arrived and with it, the dashings of college hockey hopes from Durham, NH to Babcock Street, USA. Enjoy.

Collar Up.

- Mav and DW


At 5:14 PM, Blogger Brian Gentry said...

Brandon Yip's production actually increased after Bradford left (from 1.2 to 1.4 PPG), leading his team in points while even missing 17 games to injury.

but don't let facts get in the way.....

At 9:13 PM, Blogger Pinhead Nation said...

Yip will be subpar and overall embarrassing as do most BU freshman. Have a nice day and thank you for reading our blog.

At 11:41 PM, Blogger mainejeff said...

Bishop is off to a horrendous start after 34 saves in an OT loss at Colorado College.

Collars down.....tah-tah.

At 9:33 AM, Blogger Pinhead Nation said...


Sorry to hear that you were banned from EA. Don't worry about Bishop, we'll all be laughing at him soon.

At 11:21 PM, Blogger mainejeff said...

Bishop makes it look easy tonight as maine beats Denver 5-1.

Collars down.......tah-tah.

At 8:36 AM, Blogger Pinhead Nation said...

Pinhead Nation salutes Maine's .500 goalie. Boil that moonshine and warm up your sister! Party in Orono!

At 2:36 PM, Blogger mainejeff said...

I'd rather party with my sister than party with a Priest. Peace be with you........

At 8:52 PM, Blogger Pinhead Nation said...

Good luck with that, Jeff. Hopefully your sister has the decency to take her teeth out while she's pleasuring you.

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