Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Night of the Living Detritus

Since last Saturday night, the phone at Stately Pinhead Manor has been ringing off the hook. If the people you wish you were paid our Northeastern grad servant by the number of phone calls he answered, he probably could have taken his family off welfare.

By Monday, the number of disgruntled classmates from America's Best College who had called to voice their vexation was amaranthine. First, they were mildly agitated by the fact that America's Team, in a moment of charity, folded up the tents and gave Kenmore Community College a gift win on the ice on Saturday night. Second, they were ireful by the fact that the football squad was disgraced by being sent to Boise, Idaho for their annual bowl game.

Our weekend started innocently enough as your superiors jumped into our limousine and headed for a place rarely visited by high society, the cognoscenti, or even by those who bathe on a regular basis.

Several times during the winter when our social calendars have, quite frankly, nothing better planned, Pinhead Nation has been known to travel to other universities and watch America's Team play. Normally, we are treated to yet another BC hockey victory and, more important, we are reminded of our social and intellectual transcendence by simply witnessing the cultus qualities of the local coterie.

The excitement of game day has made it difficult for employed Boston University graduates to focus on their jobs.

As always, a visit by Pinhead Nation to the ugly end of Commonwealth Ave is an exercise in lunacy and an opportunity for the elite to mix with the raffish. The highlight, of course, is witnessing the scarlet and white-clad muck populating an arena named for a man who lacked the athleticism to play 1A football and settled for Boston U. BU's mega-Mongoloidian students, armed with a hatred only the combo of a "Rubbing Alcoholic-induced" buzz and a BC rejection letter can create, add to a sociological carnival that would make Jane Goodall proud.

Local street people who populate the Boston University campus give the Terriers a unique home ice advantage over their opponents.

Attendance at a game at Agganis Arena, or Egg-Anus Arena, is a celebration of academic incompetency. Realizing their inferiority to an elite group of visiting fans sitting in their own arena, BU fans chant "BC Sucks (for rejecting me)" while secretly wishing they were sitting in BC's section donning a gold t-shirt and owning an IQ above freezing. Some BU students, so hideously ugly that when they were born the hospital delivery room doctor slapped their mothers, hide their disfigured faces with paint.

During a promotion during BU hockey games, a lucky BU student is asked to raise his BC rejection letter and invite all those who also received one to leave Agganis Arena for free drinks at nearby T's Pub, thus emptying the arena.

The Egg-Anus Arena is one that has taken a considerable home ice advantage away from the home team. As recently as last year, BU's Walter Brown Arena, affectionately known as "The Urinal" for its permanent smell of kashi-laden urine, provided a formidable feeling of intimidation equalled only by the endless "call of the bottle" felt by the current Terrier hockey coach. Despite having toilets that are made with the ability to flush and actual sinks in the bathrooms, closer inspection of "Egg-Anus" reveals one epic flaw. While coach Parker has included several weight and meeting rooms designed to make his players better, he tragically erred when he allowed BU's existing fan base to pollute his multi-million dollar edifice.

Deep within the bowels of Agganis Arena are classrooms designed to help BU hockey players with their course work. Each year, BU Hockey's "Magna Cum Bourquey" Award is given to the Terrier icer who achieves the lowest team grade point average.

As the game vs. America's Team wore on, it became clear that they had caught BC on a bad night and were heading towards a victory over their hated rival. In a homage to former UNH netminder Michael Ayers and overall Wildcat NCAA futility, the Eagles collapsed by allowing 4 goals in the last eight minutes to fall 6-2 to BU. When the final buzzer sounded, the party in Kenmore Square was just beginning.

Following BU's 6-2 win over America's Team, Boston University students celebrated and danced the night away on Landsdowne Street.

While being carted back to the estate, we happened to throw on the TV to catch the second half of the ACC football title game. Sadly, the rewarding feeling of charity we felt after watching BC gift Kenmore State a much needed victory was quickly dashed by the ongoings in Jacksonville. Despite being a 14 point favorite, the bucolic mossbacks of Virginia Tech found a way to lose to Florida State, thus affecting the ultimate bowl destination of the gridders from Chestnut Hill.

Shortly after our arrival at the manse, there was a pounding on the door. When the door was opened, there stood one of our drones with a look of mortal shock on his face. He had bad news about BC's bowl destination and it was clear that our night had just begun...

(To be continued)

Even sorority girls at BU weren't shy about telling everyone who was "number one" after their team defeated BC.

Collar Up.

- DW


At 8:23 AM, Blogger nate91b said...

If nate91b actually liked people of the opposite sex, then the sorority girls of BU would sexually excite him. Thank God almighty I am a Log Cabin Republican; at least this way I can polish my gun.



Post a Comment

<< Home