Monday, January 09, 2006

The Attack of the Limping Van der Gimps

There's no place like home. As great as the holidays were, your superiors enjoy nothing better than sitting by the fire at Stately Pinhead Manor while enjoying the fine taste of a Dunhill Cabinetta and reminiscing on our absonant successes. Though Christmas on the left coast exceeded even my recrementitious expectations, much can be said for returning to my pulchritudinous home.

With the Westwind II in the hanger for some modest improvements, a quick call to America's Best College and hours later, your superiors were 'wheels up' en route to our holiday destination.

Upon our return, the people you wish you were were happy to see America's Team on top of the Hockey East standings (as usual). As expected, we chortled at the results of the program residing at the feculent end of Commonwealth Avenue. To our utmost wonderment, we were agog upon learning that Boston University coach Jack "recently completed step 8" Parker once again trolled the bottom of the meritorious barrel by playing injured player David Van der Gulik.

Van der Gulik, a forward from Parts Unknown, British Columbia (apparently the only "BC" he could get into), had missed most of the season with an abdominal tear or "sports hernia" near his pelvic bone. Despite the fact that he should be shelved for the season, the Calgary Flame draft pick and likely NHL washout Van der Gulik returned to participate in BU's weekly cataclysm, this time a loss to Providence College.

No one, including Van der Gulik's girlfriend, is quite sure what caused his career threatening sports hernia injury, but now that he's healed, she is certainly happy to be back on top of him again.

The mystery over Van der Gulik's affliction has caused significant concern within Boston University's sports medical staff. According to a source close to Pinhead Nation, finding the origin of such a strange injury has rocketed to the top of Boston University's priorities, just behind finding a way to teach former BU President John Silber how to "hand jive".

Although the source of Van der Gulik's injury is a matter of debate, ask any BU player and he will blame their new 3rd uniform, introduced late last year and coinciding with the first symptoms of his injury.

Predictably, Coach Parker was quick to insert him back in the BU lineup, whether he was ready or not. Considering the dearth of talent on the Terriers' roster, the BU coaches certainly cannot afford another injury to a player if they want to achieve their ultimate goal, to win the Beanpot. For this reason, Parker has made it a violation of team rules to go out in public.

Due to the fact that most BU fans are upset with their team's results, it would surprise no one if, given the chance, a disgruntled BU student were to run a player over with his camel at the campus bazaar. Hockey fans will remember back in 2003 when BU flop John Sabo was assaulted when an upset Boston U. student attacked Sabo's foot with his own face. Fortunately for all, Sabo and the BU administration chose not to pursue charges against the unruly BU student who had 'allegedly' assaulted Mr. Sabo.

To avoid a possible confrontation with unhappy fans, BU players John Curry and Brad Zancanaro travel incognito to Landsowne Street this past New Year's Eve.

Regardless, your superiors at Pinhead Nation wish Van der Gulik well and hope Parker's decision to play him despite his physical malady works out well. Given the choice, it is obvious that he would have rather missed the season, but considering the proximity to this year's Beanpot, it wasn't an option for Parker and Boston University.

Pinhead Nation would like to make this special PSA to those collar-ups who would like to own a piece of America's Team. The gilded hockey booster club at BC, the "Pikes Peak Club" is holding a raffle to give its winners 24 game used hockey jerseys from the 2004-05 season. If you're interested in learning about the raffle, drop us a line at Lowell fans and others who cannot afford a raffle ticket need not apply.

Collar Up.

- DW


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