Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Mainers struggling to tell "Timmeh-time".

Sad days are upon us here at Stately Pinhead Manor. Our two-time defending Super Bowl champions have been vanquished in a way that made your superiors feel that they had no desire to taste the fine spray of Veuve Clicquot. Despite the piteous manner in which the New Englanders performed, knowing that Denver is where people live who lack the means to reside in Aspen is a comforting thought.

Denver Broncos fans could hardly hide their excitement following Saturday's victory over the Patriots.

While many collar-ups were left to cry in their Hemery XO, the lowest level of humanity located in Maine found themselves with a double dose of misery on Saturday night. As the Patriots fell to defeat, the Maine Blackbears hockey team went down faster than the time it takes for a Maine resident to take his overalls off when coming home from work early to find his sister in the shower.

This past weekend at the Egg-Anus Arena at Boston University, the two-toned and "two-teethed" Blackbears were swept away by a Kenmore State team who hadn't won three in a row since, well, the last time they played Maine. Although Friday's game was close, on Saturday night Maine allowed 5 goals in the first 2 periods, thanks to All-Milk Carton Team rookie goaltender Ben Bishop's ineptitude and fell 5-4.

After BU's weekend sweep over Maine, local coeds herded themselves to nearby T's Pub for a post game celebration.

The losses dropped Maine's record to just 7-6 in Hockey East contests and have made even the most dedicated galoots question the future of their hockey program. In 2001, Maine coach and legendary rules violator Shawn Walsh died leaving a void larger than the distance between the eyes of a Boothbay prom queen. In his place was installed Tim Whitehead, who had previously coached perennial doormat Lowell.

The roads in Orono no longer lead to championships.

U. Maine's failings are hard to pinpoint. While America's Team has become the crown jewel of the conference, most of the other teams in Hockey East have flopped and have shown as much life as Peter Jennings. Though Walsh is working feverishly to recruit Charles Manson for his current hockey team, Whitehead has spent the last few years recruiting players who speak English today about as well as Dick Clark does.

To combat the speed and talent of their opponents, U. Maine's coaches have decided to recruit middle-aged canadians to help "fill the steins for dear old Maine".

To be honest, it'd be hard for the people you wish you were to feel bad for the hockey program in Orono. Like the "Spice Girls", Maine had great success during the 90's, but likewise, didn't have the talent or scruples to maintain it. Even the most ardent Maine fans have to struggle to appreciate a program that felt the need to break the rules to achieve their victories. Though Maine has been sanctioned for NCAA violations and have had to deal with several instances of off-ice problems, Maine shows no signs of changing their nefarious ways to satisfy the gilt-edged wishes of their friends at Pinhead Nation.

Girl Scouts selling cookies to Keith Johnson's dorm room realize they may leave with more than just an order for a box of "Tagalong Peanut Butter Patties".

Collar Up.

- DW


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