Thursday, February 09, 2006

Can a Beacon Save the Moribund Beanpot?

There we were in the Boston penthouse condominium of Hollis Plympton, a chum of ours from the prep school days. Every year, the people you wish you were descend on Hollis' modest manse in the sky to celebrate the annual Beanpot tournament. Following America's Team's controlled scrimmage vs. Northeastern in the Beanpot opener, our post game celebration was in full swing.

Shortly after we arrived, Hollis introduced us to the latest addition to his liquor cabinet, his new "Perfect 1864" Vodka from France. Hardly being a bon vivant in the field of vodka, I retired to the balcony for a Camacho Havana and was quickly joined by a troika of collar-ups.

Our discussion quickly turned to the Beanpot and the ease it took to vanquish Northeastern. Three cigars later, it was clear, for the Beanpot to continue to grow, the team from Huntington Avenue must be removed from the city's illustrious college hockey tournament. After 50 years of ineptitude, Northeastern needs to be replaced with a competent opponent. But with whom?

Northeastern's student section is among the most rabid in the nation.

Considering that NU has only won 4 Beanpots in 54 years and didn't even taste victory for the first time until 1980, finding a suitable replacement would be easier than finding a Glock in NU's Davenport Commons.

Along with NU's on-campus statue of pitcher Cy Young, there also is this statue outside of Matthews Arena paying homage to decades of hockey incompetency on Huntington Avenue.

Though your superiors agreed that Northeastern belonged in the Beanpot as much as a salad belongs in BU's Warren Towers, we were quite perplexed to find a worthy replacement. With so many universities in the city of Boston, there was clearly a lot of options to choose from.

After hours of deliberation with no result in sight, we chose two schools and agreed to weigh the pros and cons of each. The two chosen schools were Wentworth Institute, where Hollis' auto mechanic graduated from, and UMass-Boston whose alumni have filled countless toll-taker jobs along the Massachusetts Turnpike.

R. Lambert's hittin' that



- Shares rink with future collar-ups Boston College High School.
- Alumni Association features comedian Steve Sweeney


- Currently 0-19 this season.
- Like all "UMass" hockey teams, destined for eternal failure and perpetual embarrassment.

Wentworth Institute of Technology


- I've got nothing.


- The only school in a scarier neighborhood than Northeastern.
- Shares home rink Matthews Arena with NU.

Finally, we chose to simply toss a coin and the victor was U.Mass-Boston. With NU's replacement chosen, the last task is to merely contact our collar-up chums at the Beanpot Offices and make the change.

Although we will always miss that wonderful feeling when the schedule shows "vs. Northeastern" on the first Monday of February, we're sure that despite their winless 2006 campaign, the Beacons of UMass-Boston won't humiliate their alumni quite as much as the Northeastern Huskies did.

The new-look Beanpot Tournament could re-energize a tournament that has seen Northeastern's first round opponent receive the equivalent of a 'first round bye'

Collar Up.


At 8:02 PM, Anonymous mr. lambert said...

no i'm not, you son of a bitch.

At 1:28 PM, Blogger nate91b said...

Nathan J. Fiebke picked up the daily paper today and noticed that BC once again failed to get by their nemesis BU in the Boston Shitpot Tournament. nate91b says, 'better luck next year'


Collar up stein.

At 6:48 PM, Anonymous Angry Pirate said...

You definitely don't want Wentworth; we were routinely getting shorthanded breakaways and 2 on 1s against them in last week's 6-0 debacle. This UMass is in the midst of a 15 game win streak and getting votes in the USCHO poll. Much as you folks may hate the forum Nazis, don't count us in with the garbage from points north.


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