Monday, October 09, 2006

2006-07 Hockey East Preview

Here at Stately Pinhead Manor, the long wait is over. Autumn has arrived and with it, the beginning of the long seven-month peregrination culminating in championship glory for America's Team. Although succumbing to Wisconsin in the National Championship game last spring in the dilapidated land of "Laverne and Shirley", Boston College, the top ranked hockey team in the land, is prepared to pop their collars and return sublimity to Chestnut Hill.

Before your superiors can order dozens of cases of Clos du Mesnil to pop in April, America's Team must complete the obligatory promenade through the Hockey East schedule to sharpen their collective sticks in preparation for the Frozen Four in St. Louis. For the unenlightened, the people you wish you were offer our selections for what could be a very competitive race for second place in Hockey East this winter.

1.) Boston College

As the preseason pick to win Hockey East as well as the favorite to win the national title, America's Team has the benefit of using October-March as preparation for April.

Good News for BC Fans: For those future collar-ups who must travel commercially, air fares to St. Louis are affordable even for a U.Mass graduate.

Bad News for BC Fans: Although resting along the Mississippi River, St. Louis is not known for quality yachting facilities.

The coaches at Boston College feel their new uniforms epitomize the image and beliefs of BC's march to true elitism.

2.) Providence College

After starting hot last fall, Providence College went down faster than a Lowell prostitute in the backseat of an El Camino. Most feel that coach Tim Army is the man who can restore the "House of Bussiere" to its rightful place as second fiddle to America's Team in Hockey East.

Good News for PC Fans: Significant changes have come to Schneider Arena. Gone are the maroon and gold seats, the silver "disco" ceiling, and free jars of Buddy Cianci's marinara sauce in the lobby.

Bad News for PC Fans:
Like those buried in the cemetery in the middle of PC's campus, Providence College's devotion to the moribund Big East Conference will guarantee their basketball team is buried there soon.

The Zancanaro twins, a fixture in Hockey East, have finally graduated and have taken a job with the Barnstable County Fair.

3.) Maine

The Blackbears had a typical season in 2005-06: No offense, off-ice incidents involving the police that were swept under the rug, and a trip to the Frozen Four where they were dispatched without a whimper. Expect the same this year minus the Frozen Four trip.

Good News for Maine Fans: Sophomore forward Vince Laise will turn 24 years old this January and be a year closer to earning Social Security. Maine fans hope Laise's extra cash will result in an increase in baked potato sales at Alfond Arena on game nights.

Bad News for Maine Fans: "Hopeless Romantic" Keith Johnson is finally a senior and his decision of which girl on the swings he plans on asking to the Senior Dance is imminent. 40-year old leather-clad grandparents from Boothbay to Bangor are hoping their granddaughters find the golden ticket and accompany Johnson to the dance.

Grant Standbrook, former Assistant at Maine, has taken a new job with greater responsiblities and outstanding opportunities for career advancement.

4.) New Hampshire

It's hardly a surprise NASCAR, the ultimate display of white trash, is held in New Hampshire because UNH hockey best resembles a country/western song. It starts fresh, but by the end, your girl is gone, your job is gone, and your truck is gone. UNH made the tournament last year, but faster than you could ask "Why do UNH fans wear 'Members Only' jackets?", they were dispatched without a peep. Dont expect a tourney appearance this year.

Good News for UNH Fans: Daniel Winnik is a star and Keith Yandle and Angelo Esposito look to have breakout years. Wait, nevermind. Also, the "Seal Lady's" Ford F-150 with built-in dip cup is almost paid off.

Bad News for UNH Fans: UNH has condensed their "hundreds of hockey banners" and no longer can UNH fans look up at them and pretend they have an elite program with years of past glory.

At UNH, if the men's hockey program fails, students know the "women's" hockey program can be counted on for on-ice glory.

5.) Boston University

The BU "5-0's" will take the ice at EggAnus Arena knowing they were 'this' close to the Frozen Four last year. Unfortunately, America's Team got to play them away from Causeway Street and away from referees from Hockey East and BU watched as BC astroglided them.

Good News for BU Fans: Boston University hockey games will be seen live on Al-Jazeera TV all season long. Also, steel reinforced girders have been installed into EggAnus Arena just in time for this fall's crop of BU coeds.

Bad News for BU Fans: Potty-mouths will no longer be allowed to attend hockey games. Grief counselors have been hired to help those BU fans who feel compelled to drop f-bombs in front of children. Also, coach Jack Parker will no longer be available for the "Dunk the Drunk" promotion between periods at home games.

Seats at EggAnus Arena have been reinforced with steel to ensure all BU coeds can enjoy the game without the fear of a structural accident.

6.) Vermont

The Elephant Walkers begin year two of their Hockey East lives. Similar to Providence, the Catamounts won last year's "Flash in the Pan" Award, going from top 5 nationally to missing the NCAA playoffs.

Good News for UVM Fans: Despite a pathetic showing down the stretch, they have not been kicked out of Hockey East as of yet. In case UVM has a good season and excitement builds, the state still allows for same-sex marriages for those "Green Mountain Boys" who enjoy getting a high stick in the crease while eating Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream to the tune of "The Elephant Walk".

Bad News for UVM Fans: Despite a strong inauguration into Hockey East, the losses of Jaime Sifers and 6th year senior Brady Leisenring will ensure a road trip in the Hockey East playoffs and a quick exit to the offseason.

7.) University of Massachusetts

Of all the teams in Hockey East, U.Mass has some potential to not embarrass themselves as much as they have in the past. Gone are stiffs such as past Minutemen' Marvin Degon, Kelly Sickavish, and Markus Helanen and coach "Toot" Cahoon has done a remarkable job into tricking college recruits to come to Amherst.

Good News for UMass Fans: Despite bombing their SATs and years of drinking bong water inside Kennedy Tower, U.Mass students may have a reason to come to the Mullins Center this hockey season.

Bad News for UMass Fans: Most UMass fans are too drunk/stupid to find their way to the Mullins Center for anything, let alone hockey. Most will spend the winter walking the campus high on rubbing alcohol and wondering how Marcus Camby could afford that gold necklace he wore to Basketweaving 101 class as a sophomore.

Expect Boston University to "drop" a few places in Hockey East as the losses of their top offensive line and top defenseman will bring BU "back to Earth".

8.) Northeastern

Perennial cellar-dwellar Northeastern once again will take the ice this fall because the schedule says they have to. Though the ghost of Bruce Crowder can still be seen haunting the hallowed halls of the old Boston Arena, the stench you'll notice as you enter the rink isn't the non-showering student body, but the team itself. Expect little and you'll still feel ripped off.

Good News for NU Fans: Since money is always an issue for the NU student who must balance his subsidized budget between buying food and buying pot, students can save on Beanpot tickets this year as by drawing BU in round one, there's no need to buy tickets to the final.

Bad News for NU Fans: They must spend each morning looking in the mirror and realizing that they attend Northeastern University.

9.) U.Mass-Lowell

Once again, Lowell's 7 fans begin the hockey season knowing their odyssey is like a six-month boat ride that ends by going over a waterfall. Coach Blaise McDonald, a man who makes Miami football coach Larry Coker look like Vince Lombardi, will once again stand on 5 phone books behind the Lowell bench and take the helm. A bunch of graduation losses and little quality recruits will make UMLGoon an angry boy.

Good News for Lowell Fans: The Merrimack River is nearby for those who feel drowning is a better solution than watching their team play Maine at home.

Bad News for Lowell Fans: Due to a scheduling snafu, Bentley College and Perkins School for the Blind were left off UML's hockey schedule. Without these two games, Lowell may find themselves winless in non-conference contests this season.

10.) Merrimack College

Once again, Merrimack has found themselves preparing for another season in Hockey East. Last season, Merrimack won exactly two games after December 1st last year. With little in the tank this year, Coach and America's Team alum Mark Dennehy may actually suffer the indignity of being the coach on a team that loses every game this year.

Good News for Merrimack Fans: There is no good news whatsoever if you are a Merrimack fan this year except the fact that MC no longer has bush-league broadcasters on the radio.

Bad News for Merrimack Fans: Infinity + Merrimack hockey = Infinity

Unfortunately for Merrimack fans, tenth place is one of many "positions" this team will find themselves in once again.

With the new season underway, its time for your superiors at Stately Pinhead Manor to sit back, light a Dunhill Cabinetta, and anxiously await seeing which team wins the battle for second place in Hockey East this season.

Collar Up.


At 1:08 PM, Anonymous steve said...

hahaha classic

this season vermont will attempt to do what former Providence star, Jody Platt was unable to do, find a cure for siferless

At 1:05 PM, Anonymous Joel Gould said...

Hateful, Sexist, and Mean. I LOVE IT!!! Good job!


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