Thursday, October 19, 2006

2006-2007 Preseason All-Milk Carton Team

With the new season underway and with it the nascent feeling of disappointment for those fans not privileged to root for "America's Team", it's time for your superiors to bestow on Hockey East our annual PreSeason Milk-Carton Team. For those unwashed neophytes uninitiated with this honor, the people you wish you were are proud to announce this year's list of Hockey East cataclysms guaranteed to embitter fans through their hockey ineptitude:

Preseason Milkman of the Year:

Mike Morris, F, NU - Last season 19-20-39

As many should know, the contaminated Huskies fans of Northeastern are looking for a reason to get excited that has nothing to do with scoring a quality price on an "8-Ball" on campus. The return of Mike Morris is certainly a reason for members of the DogCrapHouse to get revved up for the season. Similar to seeing a UFO or finding a NU fan who is accustomed with the word "soap", Morris put together a spectacular 39-point season with 19 goals and 20 assists just two years ago. He sat out last season and medically redshirted because of his issues with post-concussion syndrome following a "Jackass" stunt gone awry. After hours of deliberation, your superiors feel that Morris is going to struggle this year more than a BU coed trying to fit into jeans that don't have an elastic wasteband, thus, Morris has been selected as our Preseason "Milkman of the Year".

First, he has more rust to shake off than the average Toyota Corolla in the UMass-Lowell student parking lot. Second, the status of his brain certainly might be an issue. Like a Vietnam vet thinking the war is still going on, he might still think he's playing for beleaguered coach Bruce Crowder. If he does catch on to his new coach Greg Cronin and assistant coach Brendan Walsh (former BU/Maine scumbag), he needs to learn a whole new game of thuggery that Cronin and Walsh have brought to Huntington Ave... not to mention drinking beer and eating Chinese food in the locker room. This kid could have a potentially serious identity crisis on his hands if he lost any memory from his concussion. Look for Morris' stock to drop and ultimately end up becoming a lifetime member of the Worcester Sharks joining fellow Hockey East ruination Dan Spang.

Kenny Roche, F, BU - Last season 17-14-31

We have no idea how Kenny "Cock" Roche scored 17 goals last year, but apparently someone had to score the goals for BU. Considering he is on a line with Peter MacOverrated and the semi-mulleted Cushing Academy intellectual Boomer Ewing, look for his production to drop from last season. The result will see BU falling short of expectations once again this season despite the foul-mouthed dillusions of the limp-wristed, flag waving BC rejects at EggAnus Arena. Your superiors simply feel this line can't handle the responsibility of carrying the "weight" of being the top line for the Terriers as they lost their entire top line to graduation/Taco Bell Management Training Program.

The Nation is always excited about the possibility of a disappointing season from a Brokeback University forward. These events usually kick off a chain of events that ultimately ends up with Coach Jack "The Inibriator" Parker, the 2nd winningest active coach in college hockey, drinking gallons of rubbing alcohol while slumped in the fetal position embracing a picture of Herb Wakabayashi. Aside from this, your superiors look forward to watching Roche, the Southie native, fall flat just before Parker tells his sycophantic Boston media that he believes Roche "is an Aaaaaaaall Ameeeeeeericaaaaaaaaaaan!!! (hiccup)."

Josh Soares, F, ME, - Last season 15-26-41

Even Pinhead Nation can admit this kid had a wonderful season last year for the Black Bears, scoring more goals than the average age of Keith Johnson's girlfriends. In addition to getting preseason honors from Pinhead Nation as a preseason All-Milk Carton Team, we have also decided to honor him with the Hockey East "Goofiest Looking Canadian Bastard Award". With the Maine program slowly on the decline under Tim "Snooks" Whitehead and Billy Ryan, another educational mongoloid from Cushing Academy, Soares is expected to score the bulk of the goals for the Black Bears. Regardless, we're convinced that with a little penicillin, this "Soare" will disappear, too.

Cleve Kinley, D, UML - Last season 0-12-12 (-7)

Cleve Kinley was selected for this preseason award after his abyssmal play last season and a certain UML fan's statement that Kinley was "better than Peter Harrold." We forgive our diluted pal for being so hideously incorrect about that statement, which is even more apparent now after Harrold's impressive showing in the LA Kings' camp. Nonethless, we can not forgive Kinley for being such a terrible hockey player and letting our good chum Ryan down. Unless he scores negative goals, he can't decrease his goal production but we're not sure he's going to exceed last season's goal total of zero, either. Additionally, with a more pathetic team this season for the Riverhawks, don't expect Kinley to improve on that -7 rating of a year ago. Fortunately for Kinley, with Bobby Robins gone, he has a legitimate shot at winning the team's "MarioCart" championship which will inexplicably lead to UNH raising a banner for it.

Craig Switzer, D, UNH - Last season 2-14-16 (-6)

Defensemen at UNH just have to be picked for this award. After all, this kid and the other players in the UNH corps of defensemen were understudies of the great defensive defenseman - the man, the myth, the legend - Brian Yandle. Playing defense is just a foreign concept to UNH players, where the forwards are renowned for their cherry-picking and their defensemen are known for making highlights reels for the wrong reasons. Fans of these loveable losers wonder why they have never won a national title and must settle for rooting for Winston Cup crowns. As you can see by his totals, just 2 goals and a -6 rating last season, fans can expect similar failings from Switzer as his production will not increase. Additionally, with uber-sieve Kevin Regan expected to inherit the nets up in Titletown, his -6 rating from last season could be even worse this season.

Kevin Regan, G, UNH - Last season 8-8-5 2.63 GAA .914 save %

Regan split time with senior Jeff Pietresiak last season until even Dick Umile realized no matter how much he whistled, his goaltender stunk. Surprisingly, the Rogaine-riddled coach never realized this earlier considering his experience with former UNH goalies as Snow Mike Ayers and Ty Chokelin. With a .500 record and average numbers last season, we expect Regan to struggle and possibly lose his starting job once again this season. Also, you'll notice the 5 ties he had last season, too. Clearly Regan fits like a glove at UNH with his affinity for "sister kissing." Look for a NASCAR logo to be painted on his helmet in an attempt to gain popularity among the unwashed masses in Titletown. "Live Championship Free or Die."

Rookie Milkman of the Year:

Eric Gryba, D, BU

"The Saskatoon Goon" led the USHL with 205 PIMS for the Green Bay Gamblers. He scored just 3G-12A-15 points in 56 games in the regular season. The most noticeable number, however, shows up in his playoff statistics. His -5 rating in playoffs for the Gamblers should ensure that BU doesn't see the Frozen Four for another 4 years. Not long after that, BU's recruits will have been born after their last national championship.

Fortunately at the raffish end of Commonwealth Avenue, hockey titles are won in February so by April, the fanboys and glowstick dancers will find themselves returning to their X-tacy induced comas on Landsdowne Street until next year's Midnight Madness/Swearing contest at EggAnus Arena followed by a mass prayer to Allah for absolution.

Coach Milkman of the Year:

Blaise McDonald, UML

With lots of losses to graduation and 15 freshmen on the roster, Blaise and his Riverhawks are going to have trouble "standing up" to even the lowest expectations. In addition to losing solid players such as Danny O'Brien, bust Elias Godoy, and Bobby Robbins to graduation, Lowell lost a lot more during the postseason than the numbers of Lowell residents lost to the Immigration and Naturalization Service.

With a borderline mutiny among the players in response to the way Blaise treated senior-to-be defenseman Adam Stanieich (no longer with Lowell), they lost their only real goaltender as Peter Vetri left Lowell with 2 years of remaining eligibility after becoming tired of seeking Leprechaun McDonald's imaginary pot of gold.

Unfortunately for Lowell fans, the Riverhawks are going to struggle mightily with this terrible, freshman-laden roster and a goaltender whose name is more appropriate for male porn than stopping pucks. The good news for Blaise is the rumored mutiny never happened. The bad news, of course, is the expectations for his program continue to be "Low, Lower, and Lowest in Lowell.

Collar Up.

A reminder to all that Pinhead Nation will reintroduce our "Mailbag" soon. If you have any comments or questions for your superiors, drop us a line to " We promise to do our best to answer your meager inquiries.


At 12:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where's TD Cory?


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