New Years Resolutions

Once again, another year has come and gone. Having the means to spend the Yuletide season at our Aspen manse singing madrigals with our confreres offers a sublime opportunity to reflect on a effulgent year gone by. While your superiors enjoyed a rather sapid Chateau Margaux, the people you wish you were conceptualized likely "New Years' Resolutions" given by our subjacent friends in Hockey East.

We first discussed our slatternly friends across the tracks on the contaminated end of Commonwealth Avenue. Its ironic that Boston University's hockey team has more ties than wins considering it is unlikely that any of Boston University's fans actually own a tie. Offering a New Years' Resolution for BU certainly vellicates one's imagination.


BU Coach Jack Parker spent this past weekend in his office reflecting on the missed opportunities in 2006.

The delirium on the BU campus from the holiday of Ramadan has passed and they now wonder if their team is prepared to win the national championship on February 12th. The glowsticks and Taco Bell gift certificates are purchased and the fanboys are ready to drop f-bombs, but will they deliver when the bright lights of the "Frozen Four" are turned on at the TD Banknorth Garden next month?


If BU is going to have success in 2007, junior forward Boomer Ewing will need to improve his offensive output from 2006.

According to source who overheard BU Coach Jack Parker mumbling incoherently as he sat on a park bench on Boston Common while drinking out of a paperbag, BU's 2007 New Years Resolution is pretty obvious. If BU could put as much effort into scoring goals as they do partaking in early morning street fights, they'd have a much higher upside than they currently do.


Since 1997, the only Boston University students who have won anything in the month of April are the winners of the school's annual "BU Coed 2-Ton Run" sponsored by Lane Bryant.

The next team we surmised about was the University of New Hampshire. Admittedly, your superiors have greatly ignored our incestous friends to the north even though they are once again in the process of setting their fans up for another spring disappointment. After finishing the calendar year at 14-3-1, visions of pepper spray and stolen Dominos Pizza trucks have been dancing in the heads of UNH fans.

Despite starting the season red-hot, UNH hockey has flown under the radar among fans in the Granite State. Anticipation of the upcoming NASCAR season, and with it the hundred dollar question of whether Mark Martin will sit out 2007, has clouded the moonshine pocked minds of the locals.


UNH hockey's annual march to the silver medal is bound to be the "talk of the ho-downs" in the Granite State in 2007.

Considering the history of UNH's hockey program when the proverbial chips are on the line, a resolution for the new year is obvious. Looking ahead to the postseason, UNH's goal for 2007 is simply to lose in the postseason by less than 2 goals. UNH coach Dick Umile's "bend and break" defense displayed in the 2002 and 2003 Frozen Fours is clearly a flawed strategy. If they simply go back to their 1999 playbook and lose in overtime, it is sure to satisfy the great unwashed masses that reside in Titletown, NH.

Your superiors didn't spend time discussing the rest of Hockey East's New Years resolutions simply due to the fact that we really don't think it would be appropriate. Sure, we could anticipate Maine's hope in signing their first ever recruit under the age of 26 or Vermont players grabbing their own sticks instead of their teammates, but its hard to justify using our precious time thinking of them.

For the rest of Hockey East, your superiors at Pinhead Nation hope the new year finds you well. For our friends in Lowell, we wish you a "Feliz Ano Nuevo" and hope you defy the odds and survive until 2008.

Collar Up.