Thursday, October 11, 2007

Summer Mailbag

Sadly, our extended summer vacation has ended and the time has arrived once again to return to Stately Pinhead Manor. Though the Greek Isles were transcendent, the warm smiles of the landscaping staff welcoming the people you wish were is something that is a congenial site every autumn.

Unfortunately during our sabbatical, the Pinhead Nation mailbag email was more full than a BU coed’s size 72 jeans. Although some of your meager questions are a bit dated, as your superiors, we felt obligated to do our best to brighten your day by answering one of your lamentable inquiries. Without further adieu, here is a small sampling of your curiosities.

Q- Joel S. (Plaistow, NH).- Why are you guys are always ragging on UNH?

A-First of all, we don’t “rag” on anyone. We pride ourselves in the fact that we are edifying the unwashed masses who, due to low S.A.T. scores, were enslaved in a state school such as UNH. The incongruities between Boston College and UNH are too copious to mention. A worthy distinction between the respective schools is best allegorized by comparing their respective football quarterbacks. One is a Heisman Trophy candidate while the other is an accused murderer.

When Hank Hendricks goes to prison, he will quickly find out that a "high stick in the crease" doesn't mean the same thing as it does back at UNH

While BC signal caller Matt Ryan was beating the ACC to abeyance last fall, UNH QB Hank Hendricks was flagellating a surfer to death. According to a report in the San Diego Union, Hendricks was at a bar when he allegedly went “John Sabo” on a local man who ended up as lifeless as the hopes of a UNH hockey fan in April following the altercation. Ironically while the UNH hockey team takes the ice this season to the song “Live is Life”, Hendricks’ future will likely be somewhere between “Five to Life”…

Q – Adam E. (Holliston, MA). Please tell me which one of you BC clowns broke into Brian Strait’s dorm and stole his laptop?

A – If you are talking about the incident involving BU hockey player Brian Strait’s dormatory theft at Boston University, we apologize, but your superiors have no concrete details regarding the perpetrators. Sources close to Pinhead Nation have told your superiors some of the missing items listed on the police report, though. According to a secret BU Police report, the following items were purloined from America’s Team Reject Strait’s Bay State Road Dorm:

- 1 laptop, including hard drive containing dozens of gay porn pictures with
the Beanpot trophy photoshopped in to them.
- 1 iPod containing hundreds of songs by a musician named “Darude”.
- 1 rejection letter from Boston College with frame.
- 1 2008 BU hockey schedule with the year ending on February 11, 2008.
- 2007 Boink Magazine Swimsuit Issue (pages stuck together).
- 1 “Bartender’s Guide to Kenmore Square” written by Jack Parker.
- 1 “Skladany to English” Dictionary.

BU's Brian Strait's dorm room was another victim of the several burglaries plaguing the school's dorms recently.

The fortuitous news is most of the items are replaceable and the police have a lead. According to sources within the BUPD, a prime suspect is fellow Kenmore Community College icer Jason Lawrence. Apparently, he has been found guilty in the past of stealing thousands of dollars in scholarship money from Boston University as well as accusations of lying on his admissions application. According to his application, he claimed to be a hockey player with skills above that of a House Mite.

As the fall semester at BU begins, equipment staff prepares uniforms for the Terriers' womens soccer program

Q- Austin G. (Gould Corner, ME). Is this year going to be “Timmay-Time!” for the Blackbears?

A-Austin, your question is quite timely as we commence another season that will ultimately result in further glory for America’s Team in Chestnut Hill. Nonetheless, Maine’s fortunes depend from which angle you are viewing them. On the ice, it appears that the “graduations” of Michel Leveille and Josh Soares are going to drop the Blackbears even further from their fifth place finish in Hockey East a year ago.

On the other side, the departure of Keith Johnson will certainly make parents of 13 year-old girls sleep easier at night. Although most adults in Maine lay awake at night fearing sexual manipulation of their livestock by the local citizenry, Johnson’s four-year stay in Orono provided a unique nightmare. While few males residing north of Bangor have prurient interests in mammals of the opposite sex within the same species, Johnson targeted human females that were more interested in “Blues Clues” than “Black Bears”. Fortunately, with Johnson out of the area, parents of adolescent girls no longer have to fear their daughter’s deflowering before their arranged weddings upon reaching the age of 15.

That’s going to complete another voyage into Pinhead Nation’s Mailbag. Feel free to drop us a line at mailbag@pinheadnation and perhaps your inquiry will be answered.

Collar Up.


At 3:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

good to see pinheadnation back in business.

At 6:43 PM, Anonymous Rich M. from Falmouth said...

I just look at the pictures.


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