Thursday, August 24, 2006

Loudon Nights: The Legend of Robbie Barker

The sun was setting on another spectacular day on the grounds at Stately Pinhead Manor. As the hired help began to pack up their Toyota Corollas, humming their school fight song "Fight Mass" to each other after an 8 hour day of mowing lawns and pulling weeds, one of them stopped by the Manse with a request.

Normally, your superiors wouldn't consort with someone who earns money "hourly", but feeling a bit eleemosynary, we allowed the artisan into our midst to hear his meager entreaty. It seems our unlettered proletarian hailed from the Granite State and requested the weekend of September 17 off to attend the wedding of his sister which was to take place following the "Sylvania 300" NASCAR race in Loudon, New Hampshire.

With our patrician mouths agog, the people you wish you were struggled to find articulation. As we rushed to open another 21-year old bottle of Dalmore, we had no choice but to approve his request for the time away from the Manor. After he left to re-join his fellow half-wits in the Corolla, your superiors did some research into "NASCAR" to find out why it appeals to such a puerile and bourgeois portion of the south and New Hampshire.

New Hampshire, known as the "Redneck Riviera" by most New Englanders, is proud to support NASCAR as well as other white trash activities.

Admittedly, your superiors know very little about NASCAR. It appears, though, that it resembles the goings-on that take place outside the window of the Bentley as our driver weaves through traffic on our way into Louisburg Square to meet our college chums. According to some churls, this activity is considered a 'sport' and is attended by thousands of grotesquely obese yokels. Wearing their best "who farted?" t-shirts, they douse themselves in domestic back wash and cheer for loud noises while filling their overalls with urine.

Loudon, New Hampshire's population swells with sophisticated NASCAR fans from across the Granite State.

We certainly don't intend to sound crass, but NASCAR is no more a sport than taking a jaunt on a golf cart or watching one of our drones ride the bus. In the absence of sports such as polo or learning to raise a keel, gunnysack inhabitants of states such as New Hampshire turn to an activity that requires no more athletic ability than to perpetually turn left while spitting into a brass cup.

Race fans from NH will spend hours on the phone with Ticketmaster seeking elusive NASCAR ducats hoping to witness the sport's next fatal wreck.

Fans of this activity, it appears, are what give NASCAR its edge among those who find siblings attractive and feel Don Knotts is the greatest actor in American history. Although beginning in the south, it was only a matter of time until "the sport of serfs" reached Confederate New Hampshire as its inhabitants are made for NASCAR: slow, doltish, and devoid of all sanitary persuasion.

Your superiors hope our landscaper has a boisterous time in Loudon and look forward to his return. When he does make it back to Stately Pinhead Manor, the proper delousing and necessitous penicillin shots will be administered prior to his return to employment.

BU runs on Dunkin

Collar Up.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Return of the Natives

Even for a prodigious group of individuals such as your superiors, a paradisiacal summer spent on the beaches of Fiji isn't eternal. Now that August has arrived and our annual ten weeks of requiescence has ceased, the time has come to return to Stately Pinhead Manor and continue our peregrination towards a utopian collar-up society.

Though it's refreshing to acquaint ourselves once again with the hired help around the Manor, including a team of Northeastern University graduates whose landscaping skills rival the artistic brilliance of Gustav Klimt, it's somewhat bereaving to bid adieu to those students hired for the summer who must return to their raffish universities.

One particular summer intern, Tariq Goldman, who specialized in lawn mower repair and hopes to work at a Jiffy Lube following his graduation from Boston University, was one the people you wish you were will particularly miss. As the maid cleaned his vacant room, she found an urgent letter from BU President Robert Brown with a message for all returning students. Though belonging to this insensate, albeit hardworking BC reject, your superiors opened a bottle of Frapin Chateau Fontpinot and began to read...

Dear New and Returning Boston University Students:

هتاف للترحيب, Welcome, Bienvenu, Willkommen in der Heimat!

With summer coming to an end, I'd like to welcome our new and returning students back to Boston University! Knowing that most of you are coming to Boston from overseas, as President, I feel compelled to remind you to allow plenty of time to travel from your homeland to school. With the continued terrorist threats from the Middle East, sadly the home to many of our Boston University student community, I must remind you that classes begin on Tuesday, September 5.

Unlike years past, BU will not excuse our students who have visa problems, passport issues, or are detained for questioning due to hightened security. Also, remember for those travelling to Boston via plane and not by raft, liquids are prohibited from air travel. If you are in need of cologne or perfume and cannot bring them on an airplane, they can be purchased at one of several Walgreens' stores throughout Greater Boston.

"Boink" Magazine returns to BU for its third straight year. Coeds interested in posing should attend mandatory meeting at campus Taco Bell on Saturday, September 2 at 1pm.

For those students interested in athletics, the BU Ice Hockey Team, known as the "Fighting 5-oh's", looks to return to the top of the college hockey world by winning the sacred Beanpot once again. Join us at our new Egg-Anus Arena where this year's Ice Dogs look to continue the storied tradition of Sabo, Kealty, Collins, and Tapp.

Tears of joy will flow again when BU hockey wins another national championship at TD Banknorth Garden on February 12, 2007!

Student life at Boston University has never been better. For those students residing in one of our several dormitories, gift bags await your arrival. Though its contents will remain a surprise, donations from BU alumni have ensured that students will not be short of glow-sticks for countless weekends of dancing on Landsdowne Street.

"American Pride" will be the theme for 2007 at Boston University

Of course, one cannot discuss student life at Boston University without mentioning the dozens of night clubs where our students can dance to blow off steam after grueling midterms or painful hockey losses to Boston College. Thanks to our neighbors on Landsdowne Street, BU students will benefit, once again, by frequenting night clubs where the Kashi is always half price and the techno sounds of Fettabscheider is always loud.

A night at "The Modern" is always a hit among female students at Boston University who like to dance in the dark and eat at the Y.

Once again, on behalf of myself and my wife Beverly, I welcome you back to Boston University. Here at BU, we are hoping you enjoy your time at our university and hope when your time here is done and you return to your country, you'll never forget the school that taught you how to "growl like a Terrier" and find your way on the "Kiss Cam".

Best Wishes,

Dr. Robert A. Brown
President, Boston University

As the letter concluded and your superiors took the last sip of the Fontpinot, as troubled as the people you wish you were felt, one thing became clear. It was time to get back to work.

Collar Up.