Wednesday, March 30, 2005

New Yorkers Struggling to Embrace Their "Daddy"

With spring finally reaching the Northeast, I was finally able to take a drive to the Country Club and play my first round of golf this season. After my round, I was a bit rusty but still managed to break par, I watched the final innings of the Red Sox vs. Yankees spring training game down in Florida.

As my collar-up friends and I ruminated about the upcoming baseball season, we chortled over the misery that has fallen on the fans of the New York Yankees. Though dirty and uneducated, Yankees fans (and New Yorkers in general) have always felt that as awful as their existence may be, they still felt a feeling over superiority over Bostonians because of the baseball team they rooted for.

On October 20, 2004, everything changed. Despite holding a commanding 3-0 series lead over the Red Sox in the ALCS, the Yankees erased 86 years of misery for Red Sox fans by becoming the symbol for sports futility by losing the series in seven games. While the odds of New York losing the series were just about impossible, the Pinstripers lost the next four games to become baseball's version of the Hindenberg Disaster and the "Dole For President" Campaign.

Yankee fans were angered when Cleveland chose to go for a two point conversion late in their early season contest at Yankee Stadium

With the new season about to get underway, I noticed a very peculiar thing when I was forced to visit New York this week for yet another financially lucrative business deal. For the first time in my life, I noticed some very subtle changes as I cruised around Manhattan in the backseat of my towncar: humbled residents from the Rotten Apple.

Despite having won 26 World Series title in their history, the Yankee fans that your superiors encountered have finally realized that their team has become an embarrassment. The sight of a Red Sox cap will put them into convulsions and the mere mention of Johnny Damon or David Ortiz will induce vomiting faster than a double shot of Ipecac.

Bottles of Ipecac Syrup are helping millions of Yankees fans deal with the pain of losing to the Red Sox last year

As if realizing the eternal question of "Who's Your Daddy" was finally answered on that cold Autumn night in the Bronx wasn't enough, the people you wish you were have actually noticed sociological changes throughout the uneducated population of "The City That Never Bathes". A quick check with the New York Police Department has uncovered some remarkable statistics since the Yankees lost the ALCS.

First, although the entire Yankee fanbase is still unemployed and continues to receive money from the Department of Social Services, the number of dead beat dads in the Tri-State area has actually decreased. Stats show that the percentage of fathers who have financially neglected their bastard children has decreased from 100% to just a smidge over 99%.

Similar, residents of New York City can sleep a bit easier at night as the odds of being murdered within the next 12 months has dropped from 82% to 80%. For you unsightly loverboys who have no alternative to finding a woman than having to pay for it, perk you ears. The odds of acquiring a sexually transmitted disease from a New York prostitute has dropped to an all-time low of 92%.

The 2004 Yankees, as well as the "Summer of George" came to an abrupt end last Fall

Is it possible that these sharp decreases can be merely a coincidence? Unlikely. The odds of that happening are smaller than the odds of former New York Mayor and opportunist Rudy Giuliani turning away from a TV camera. The reality is the Yankees loss and the acceptance that they are now "Property of the Boston Red Sox" has struck them harder than a Brooklyn gangland drive-by and has clearly changed their perception on life.

New York fans are still waiting for the Yankees to close out Game 4 vs. Boston

If you happen to come into contact with a New Yorker (assuming he's not mugging you or washing your windshield with a newspaper), try and feel his pain. The only bright spot and source of pride in his failed and loathsome life, the Yankees, has left him high and dry. The bad news for most Yankee fans is they must carry this badge of shame for the rest of their lives. The good news is since they live in crime ridden dump that is New York, their life expectancy is likely to be brief.

Collar Up.

- DW

Monday, March 28, 2005

Hockey Least

As I sit here looking over the vast grounds outside of Stately Pinhead Manor, it's hard not to reflect on the good old days. It seems like just yesterday my tech stocks were booming and when gasoline was cheap enough for a UMass grad to afford. Heck, even the Northeastern alums I'd hire from the local temp agency to rake my leaves seemed to have a bounce in their step.

Just five short years ago, The Hockey East Association dominated the college hockey landscape. The 1999 Frozen Four featured three teams, America's Team, the University of Numbskulled Hillbillies, and Sanction U. at Orono, Maine. As a matter of fact, Hockey East has dominated in the Frozen Four, sending at least one team to college hockey's championship weekend every year since 1992. The question that has to be asked is 'where have all the good times gone?'

Hockey Least has become a conference that even the ECAC is laughing at

In sports and in life, you are only as strong as your competition. Considering the 2004-2005 Hockey East season had the same quality as a Pat O'Brien voice mail message, it's no surprise that America's Team was ill-prepared in their NCAA tourney loss to WCHA twenty-somethings, the University of North Dakota.

This past season, Hockey East "captured" a 5-15-2 record vs. the WCHA. Of the nine "sons of Joe Bertagna", only America's Team showed success against the west, mustering a 3-0 record vs. WCHA opponents entering the NCAA tournament. While BC showed success against the best the NCAA had to offer earlier in the season, beating North Dakota and Denver by a combined 11-5 score, BC began to run out of gas once they "dumbed down" to their conference schedule.

Of his many examples of lunacy, Hockey East commissioner Joe "BU" Bertagna's most ridiculous yet was when he agreed to participate in the "Commissioner's Cup Series". This series pitted BC and their eight slow brothers in a head to head competition against the other conferences, including the WCHA. The former goalie from Arlington, Mass also continued to "trade" referees with the WCHA when nearsighted ref Jeff Bunyon was sent west while WCHA zebra Bill Mason called a couple of Hockey East games.

It's been hard to take Hockey East and boss Joe Bertagna seriously lately

Had Hockey East offered America's Team better in-conference competition this season, it's clear to the people you wish you were, that Boston College would, once again, be participating in the NCAA Frozen Four next weekend. Unfortunately, when BC is forced to play a total of 12 games against quasi high school squads such as UMass, Northeastern, Providence, and Merrimack, it's difficult when it's tourney time and they are forced to play against legitimate competition.

Kenmore State players are told by senile coach Jack Parker that their Beanpot victory did not make them national champions.

So as your superiors jet off to Columbus, Ohio to watch the 2005 Frozen Four, we'll wonder how this tournament would have played out if Hockey East had any respectable teams outside of Chestnut Hill this season. Unfortunately, when a conference is forced to carry hockey-waste such as Merrimack College and is expected to tolerate the perennial underachiever that is Northeastern, it's difficult for Boston College to play with the big guys when they spend 24 games a year playing little boys. Back in the day, your superiors used to refer to the WCHA as the "Womens and Children's Hockey Association". We can only imagine what they call Hockey East these days.

Collar Up.

- DW

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Mailbag Friday, 3/25

Fear not, young rubes, the Pinhead Nation mailbag that sustains your raffish existence from week to week has returned. As you can imagine, your superiors have been very busy over the last few weeks. Following Boston College's "Hillbilly Hecatomb" this past weekend at FleetCenter, the people you wish you were have enjoyed several celebratory functions attended by members of the highest level of the collar-up glitterati.

Now that your superiors have swallowed the last sip of Moet and Chandon and the tears have begun to dry in Durham and Orono, it's time we all return to our normal lives. For us, it's living the life of privilege granted to us by our superincumbent education. For you, it's a life of hoping to hold your minimum wage job for another day, hoping this isn't the day your miserable spouse leaves you for a BC graduate, and, most important, the day that the 'Nation takes time out of our day to answer your obeisant questions.

Whether at work or home, emailers to Pinhead Nation often represent the nadir of society and having their questions answered is often the high-point of their lives.

Q - Adam (Auburndale, MA). I have to give you guys credit where credit is due. With all those injuries, and as a BU fan, I didn't think "America's Team" could win the Hockey East title. Do you think BC will have their injured players back for the NCAA Tournament?

A - Adam, you should be ashamed of yourself for doubting BC's ability. Understandably, you are obviously used to coming up short in life and are accustomed to dealing with the stinging pain of disappointment in your own plight. Still, you should have thought better than picking against the team everyone secretly roots for. Remember, BC did have the benefit of playing UNH in the championship game, which we all know is about as easy a task as finding a Boston College reject currently studying Hindu in Warren Towers, USA. Nonetheless, whether BC has injuries to deal with or not this weekend, we expect to be celebrating yet again.

Q - Mary (Nashua, NH). I think Mercyhurst is going to whip BC the same way the University of Milwaukee beat your overrated basketball Team. Collar up yours.

A - Mary, about a year ago, I had the displeasure of driving through Nashua, NH. Having witnessed the vestigial existence by the locals who obviously couldn't even spell 'tuxedo' let alone own one, I was reminded of that unsightly visit as I read your email. I'm perplexed by the enigma of what life-event retarded your brain and left you with such a feebleminded opinion of America's Team's chances vs. Mercyhurst. Your superiors feel bad for you, Mary, and hope you find a method of education that brings you up to par with the UMass-Amherst grad who cleans our stables.

UMass-Lowell graduate "Mary from Nashua, NH" struggles with the computer skills she learned during her busy "Mall Cart" career to email Pinhead Nation

Q - Clark (Brighton, MA). Hey fellas, I just wanted to tell you guys that I got my oil changed at Jiffy Lube last week and I think I got screwed. The car had less than 5k on it and I ended up buying a bunch of crap that I never heard of. Should I go back and complain?

A - Clark. Personally, I'm stunned that even though we are in the 21st century, that a BC student still has to go to a place like "Jiffy Lube". That being said, of course you were taken advantage of. Understand that most Jiffy Lube employees are Northeastern students who are there for their co-op year and will lash out at collar-up types whenever possible. Don't take it personally. It takes years for people like this to be tamed and resign themselves to the fact that they will spend the rest of their lives serving BC graduates. Keep your chin up, lad.

Q - Scott (location N/A) - Will Pinhead Nation be present this weekend in Worcester for the NCAA hockey regionals?

A - Good Lord, no. If there is a more collar-down city than Worcester, Massachusetts, I would like to know where it is. Worcester is the type of town where the hepatitis-plagued local prostitutes, for fear of further disease, still require their clients to use prophylatics for their own protection. Although we have several invitations to attend, the opportunity to watch the game at our country club surrounded by our collar-up socialities is far too good an offer to pass up.

Well, thats going to do it for another week. Best of luck to our fellow collar-up brothers at Harvard and Cornell this weekend and with any luck, our three alumni chapters will be sipping Cristal in Columbus at the Frozen Four prior to game day.

Collar Up.

- DW

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Ya'll Go Home Now, Ya Hear?

This past Saturday at approximately 10 pm, your superiors sat proudly in our luxury box watching America's Team capture their record sixth Hockey East Championship over the Univ. of New Hampshire. As we sipped our Moet and Chandon and reflected on our own personal preponderance, the people you wish you were couldn't help thinking about the misery that UNH's supporters must have been feeling at that moment as once again, Boston College had broken their hearts.

It is often said that playing UNH in a postseason game is the equivilent of drawing a 'bye', especially for BC. Although Wildcat fans point to their regular season success over America's Team, the team wearing maroon and gold, once again, reminded UNH that when the stakes are high, as always, BC wears their collars up, while UNH wears their collars tight.

BC's six Hockey East Crowns matches the average number of children in most New Hampshire Families.

For UNH fans, the reality of another year without a legitimate banner to hang at the "Losesomemore Center" (UNH will likely hang one anyhow) has led to tremendous despondency in Durham, NH. Though officials at the University of New Hampshire are privately elated with UNH's annual Hockey East defeat (the rising cost of pepper spray has left university supplies dangerously low), they are alarmed by the number of marose students wandering aimlessly through the UNH campus.

UNH Officials report the mood on campus has not been this low since brother/sister cohabitation was banned in university dormitaries.

While most UNH fans have accepted their fate and have begun the healing process, others remain angry and feel the Wildcats were wronged several times by Hockey East referees. When BC and UNH tied at Conte Forum last month, UNH fans feel that a "goal" the Wildcats scored but were never credited for, cost The Univ. of Neverending Hillbillies the Regular Season crown. These genetically mutated anomalies seem to dismiss the fact that if UNH won just one time in their final four games (0-2-2), they would have won the regular season title.

This New Official Logo of "Friends of UNH Hockey" captures of the essence of Wildcat hockey fans

As tough as it is for UNH fans to admit, America's Team is a superior hockey program and their meliority proved itself once again in the Hockey East championship game. Though the Wildcats did their best to stave off the inevitable against America's Team, their flaws were eventually exposed as BC's dominance was too much for the mediocre UNH program to handle.

America's Team forward Brian Boyle had a day at the beach vs. UNH

For your superiors, the joy that comes with watching our team win another championship has found us once again. As in life, your elite idols at Boston College have, again, achieved victory over a subpar opponent. The good news for UNH is they will unlikely have to play Boston College again this year. The bad news is it's NCAA tourney time, and no team epitomizes failure in the NCAA's more than the University of New Hampshire. Your superiors would like to say we understood your pain, but, obviously, we don't.

Collar Up

- DW

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Pinhead Nation's 2004-05 All-Milk Carton Team

Although Friday is usually "Pinhead Nation Mailbag Day", your superiors have chosen to deviate from our normal schedule for a very special awards presentation. While we realize you are disappointed at no mailbag today, our personal feelings are buoyed by the fact that we really don't care how you feel, and second, because the people you wish you were feel it's time to reward some folks who really deserve special recognition. Fear not, the Friday mailbag you cannot live without will return next Friday.

Without further adieu, your superiors are proud to announce our first annual Pinhead Nation All-Milk Carton Team for the 2004-05 Hockey East season. These recipients, each individually dreadful, are made even more repugnant when gathered together on one team. The All-Milk Carton Team is a collection of underachieving, non-performing derelicts whose teams would have better off playing a man down rather than allowing them to embarrass themselves on the ice. Here are this year's winners chosen by the 'Nation after hours of deliberation at Stately Pinhead Manor.

Pinhead Nation’s 1st annual Hockey East All-Milk Carton team:

F, Brian McConnell, Boston University – So far this season, McConnell has "captured" 8 goals and 12 assists as the senior captain for Boink University. He also had a team high (and perhaps league-high) 63 PIMs this year to go along with a dreadful –5 rating in his 38 games played this year. While he raised his point total from last year (up from 16 points), "McScholarship-waste's" production continues to spiral from his point production during his freshman and sophomore campaigns. Though he arrived at BU from the United States Development Program with high potential, Brian's career has followed a long line of Terrier busts that saw their careers swirl the bowl and eventually disappear. Look for McConnell to be pouring McShake's at a drive-thru near you shortly after graduation.

F, Ben Murphy, Maine – The senior forward had 3 goals, 7 assists for a
whopping 10 points. He’s on pace to match his 11 points from his sophomore and junior seasons, which saw his production drop from 16 in his freshman season. He also had only a +1 rating in the 27 games he actually played this season. This type of production from the former Cushing star is sure to make guys like former BU bust John Sabo blush. Murphy, a native of North Andover, MA, does earn points for being smart enough to leave his hometown rather than associate himself with a program as slipshod as Merrimack College. Instead, he chose a program synonymous with cheating and completely devoid of academic integrity in Maine. Fortunately for Murphy, after spending four years in Orono, he now speaks fluent French and is an expert in Canadian culture.

F, Peter Trovato, UMass-Amherst – Like the UMass basketball program, the Minutemen' hockey program has also chosen to give scholarships to athletes completely lacking in athletic talent. Case in point, your superiors bring you Peter Trovato. Trovato has proven you do not need a shred of talent to wear a Divison 1 hockey sweater. Another display of pure "offensive prowess", Trovato has tallied 0 goals and 10 assists in 38 games played for this senior forward out of North Attleboro, Massachusetts. He also posted a –9 rating and 28 penalty minutes this season. Sadly, now that America’s Team has ended UMass’ season, Trovato will end his career with a pitiful season high of 10 points. While he certainly had a Collar-Down season and a no-collar career, his academic accomplishments (he is a finalist for the Humanitarian Award), is something Pinhead Nation and Collar-Ups around the world respect a great deal. Although Trovato achieved a tremendous academic record, your superiors must remind ourselves that he attended a University whose diploma means as much to the collar-up world of Academia as the runner-up trophy in a 4th grade inner-city dodgeball tournament.

D, Jekabs Redlihs, Boston University – The junior out of Riga, Latvia is on a pace to go into uncharted territory next season, a sub-zero point total to end his pathetic career. After starting off with 16 points as a freshman, he posted just 6 points in an injury-riddled sophomore season. This year, although playing in all 38 games for the BC Rejects, the "Riga Rocket" has really brought shame to the motherland by tallying just one point. Defensively, he’s a –3 and has put up 28 penalty minutes this season. Though no one knows the root of Redlihs' on-ice problems this year, the 'Nation fears Redlihs has been spending too much time with his fellow Eurotrash on the several dance floors on Landsdowne Street. The 'Nation has found out that Redlihs will change his name to Bourque and will immediately receive interest from the Washington Capitals and his once-pathetic career will be dubbed "stellar".

D, Peter Tormey, Umass-Lowell – It’s tough to pick a guy from Umass-Lowell since they never get any heralded recruits, but a senior defenseman that has had a truly awful career must be given some recognition. With his career ended last weekend in the land that evolution missed (Maine), he finished the season with a whopping 1 point - 0 goals, 1 assist. He was also –7 this season in his 24 games for the CrackhouseHawks. He fell off dramatically after posting 9 and 7 points in his sophomore and junior seasons, respectively. He has finished his career with an abysmal 18 career points. He really has nothing going for him and we see no need to kick a Lowell player when he’s down. Having to walk the Earth with a UMass-Lowell degree is, arguably, cruel and unusual punishment in itself.

G, Jeff Pietrasiak, University of New Hampshire – This junior goaltender has assumed the starting job at the beginning of the season as the eldest and best goaltender remaining on the team after the graduation of our beloved "Touchdown" Mike Ayers. But this season, he saw his role as the starter vanquish into the dark night like UNH's annual title hopes in April. That’s because he has posted a 2.90 GAA and .903 save % with a record of 11-6-3 overall in 22 games played this season. Even more embarrassing, he’s been replaced by a freshman goaltender who has come in and done a better job (except for the monkey-shining he received from America’s Team up in Titletown, USA). Ultimately, we salute Pietrasiak for upholding the fine tradition of embarrassing goaltending performances that we have all come to love from the fine folks up North. Pinhead Nation has searched through our archives and we believe this is the first time in history a goalie has been replaced after showing his UNH "playoff" form.

Congratulations to all our recipients and your superiors invite you to join us as we raise our flumes in honor of the All-Milk Carton Team. Though most awards are given to overachievers, the 'Nation honors a group of such detritus, they make anyone who shares the ice with them that much better.

Collar Up.

- Mav and DW

Monday, March 14, 2005

Hillbilly Warning Alert Level raised to "Severe" in Boston this weekend

After taking advantage of another slow-witted New Hampshire resident in lucrative business deal this morning, I couldn't help noticing that both UNH and the University of Maine have advanced to this weekend's Hockey East championships in Boston. UNH will play Boink University while America's Team will tune-up for Saturday's Hockey East final when they take on the Fighting Sanctions of the University of Maine.

Here in civilization, we are tolerant of the genetically mutated galoots from the Redneck Riviera portion of New Hampshire and the clodhopping bestials from the "Land that Time Forgot" in Maine. This tolerance, however, by your superiors and others in the collar-up community should not be tested. Though most NH and Maine residents are used to parking their trailers and calling it "home" wherever they see fit, some social rules must be followed here in the collar-up city of Boston.

First, it's important we discuss personal hygiene. Some are basic, but if your family's evolution is slow and just on its second generation of walking on two-legs, we can't assume even the most basic concepts will be adhered to.

1.) Cleaning your ears in public with the keys to your pick-up is a faux pas.
2.) Delaying bathing by excessive use of cologne/perfume products is not acceptable.
3.) If you're a female, remember to clean the slime from under your fingernails. Dirt, grease, etc under one's fingernails will distract others from admiring any cubic zirconias and/or fashionable tattoos displayed on your fingers.

With personal hygiene taken care of, it's important that Maine and New Hampshire fans understand proper etiquette when dining in one of Boston's several restaurants.

1.) Under no circumstances should you use a restaurant glass as a "dip cup".
2.) You will not be allowed to bring in boxes of wine or homemade whiskey into any Boston dining establishment.
3.) If a restaurant requires a "jacket" for men to wear in the dining room, understand that jackets displaying "NASCAR heroes", "Beer logos", "Tobacco products", or "8-Balls" are not acceptable.
5.) If you choose to pay your bill with a credit card, understand that "Exxon" or "Mobil" cards will not be accepted.
4.) Shirts and shoes are required, regardless of whether or not you own either. (Note: Shirt should not be a bowling shirt.)

Tasteful clothing, required in quality Boston restaurants, can hide even the most severe genetic mutations of Maine or New Hampshire fans.

With hygiene and dining etiquette taken care of, it's time the people you wish you were talked with you about driving. Boston has the reputation of being one of the tougher cities to drive around, so it is important to understand some basic 'rules' when driving in our metropolis.

1.) "Right of way" is not determined by whomever drives the bigger truck.
2.) If you are renting a vehicle, check with the rental car facility before slapping "Anyone but Gordon" or "Intimidator Lives" bumper stickers on the vehicle.
3.) Under no circumstances should you fire guns at Boston street signs.

Now, for those New Hampshirites or Mainers who do not own a double-wide trailer and must seek hotel accomodations, please take note.

1.) You will not be allowed to hunt on hotel property. Any animals found on hotel property grounds are not to be killed or molested.
2.) Ice machines are to be used for beverages only and should not be used to clean one's armpits.
3.) Hotels generally charge by the person. If your family has more than 15 members and all are seeking accomodations, please notify hotel at time of check-in.
4.) Finally, it is important you ask for a room that allows smoking. Since all NH or Maine visitors smoke or dip tobacco products, it is imperative that you refrain from smoking in a "non-smoking" room. As outlandish as the concept of "no smoking" may sound to you, smoking in a civilized society is generally frowned upon.

So there you have it, four simple guidelines to live by during your trip to "the big city". On behalf of your superiors, please enjoy our city and have a safe visit. Although we realize that UNH and Maine fans will both likely be driving home this weekend sadder than a Mark Chesnutt tune due to their teams' performances, we do want you to come back someday. For collar-ups, UNH and Maine fans provide us a moment of amusement. For those aspiring to be collar-up, you folks give them something to contrast.

Collar Up.

- DW

(Pinhead Nation raises our flumes and toasts our friends at for their support and assistance with this article.)

Friday, March 11, 2005

Mailbag Friday, 3/11

As always, Friday is the day that you serfs look forward most in your lives as it is the day a better group of people actually interact with those of you who are brazen enough to drop us an email. As you know by now, if you have a question or comment, send us an email to "" and on Fridays, if you're lucky, we'll do our best to answer some of them.

Though imbecilic and unsightly, Merrimack College graduates enjoy delivering mail to Pinhead Nation's mailbag

While I have some time to kill while my Boston University graduate student intern cleans my sump pump, I thought this was just as good a time as any to answer some of you menial questions or respond to your uneducated comments. Let's see what is the 'Nation's mailbag for this week:

Q - Paul M (Amherst, MA) - You guys seem pretty cocky about Boston College's chances to beat UMass this weekend. Have you ever heard of the concept of "Karma"?

A - Paul, only an uneducated dolt, much like yourself, is concerned with silly concepts as "karma". On one side of the ice, I see everything a college hockey team should be: smart, from great collar-up families, well coached, and extremely talented. On the visitors bench, I see a bunch of rejects who only accepted their scholarships to UMass because the other alternative was prison. Your superiors feel for you folks at UMass, we really do. It must be difficult knowing your UMass degree carries as much weight as the third prize in a County Fair's "ring toss" game. Good luck in your future endeavors.

Q - Steve N. (Morgantown, WV) - BC hoops = Hahahaha!

A - Boy, what a great moment that must have been at WVU when the Mountaineers hoops team upset the mighty BC Eagles. I can only imagine the parties at West Virginia U. after the contest. Although you probably think most collar-ups are upset at the loss, we are not. We actually feel bad for those who live in Morgantown, WV. No, not the students or alumni who, unfortunately, have no real collegiate options or chance at success, but the countless farm animals who endured several instances of sexual molestation during the celebration. I feel bad for that faceless chicken, just waiting to be killed, who has to endure different forms of animal husbandry everytime a WVU program somehow wins a big game. As always, your superiors worry about the little people who have no voice to cry out their outrage.

Q - Jason D. (Chestnut Hill, MA) - Hey "guys who I wish I was". I couldn't help noticing at the Maine game on Friday there was a couple of people wearing "Pinhead Nation Hockey" t-shirts. Are you guys selling those and how can I get one? I am a BC student (in case you couldn't tell by my email address), and I'd proudly wear that shirt around campus and to games.

A - Jason, thanks for your email. Receiving an email from a future collar-up is like drinking a glass of Chateau Gruaud Larose on a hot day. Yes, the 'Nation has started to make inroads to the fashion industry with our new t-shirts. Check the official home of your superiors at and soon we'll have a link up there on how to purchase such a fine casual garment. For upper class types like yourself, its great to wear to a game. For lower class types like our friends up in Durham, NH, our t-shirt would qualify as formal wear.

Well, unfortunately for you, that's going to do it for this week's visit to our mailbag. Check out the 'Nation later this weekend as America's Team prepares for their trip to the FleetCenter for the Hockey East semifinals next weekend. For collar-ups, put an extra log in the fire this weekend as it is going to be a cold one. For the rest of you, book your space now in your local shelter as space will, likely, be limited.

Collar Up.

- DW

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

The Massholes are coming! The Massholes are coming!

After showing the rest of Hockey East who their daddy is once again, America's Team opens their playoff run against the glorified High School that is U.Mass-Amherst. While collar-ups anticipate a quick dismissal of the UMass icers, BC fans must be advised that fans of the University of Massachusetts are clearly the detritus of the nation and can quickly become violent.

First, though, your superiors must discuss this weekend's match-up. Considering Boston College is 31-5-2 against UMass all-time, the people you wish you were don't anticipate much of a contest in either game. Although BC fans will remember the stunning loss to Kenmore State last winter in the semis, understand that UMass would be barely be a contender for the Super 8 high school championship, let alone the Hockey East crown.

The main point of our story today, though, isn't to discuss the impending destruction of the Minutemen's sorry existence, but to warn fellow collar-ups what can happen when the words "UMass fans" and "playoffs" are used in the same sentence.

Your superiors have contacted several qualified sociologists to discuss this unique behavioral trait associated with students of UMass-Amherst and none have been able to explain it. The best theory presented so far is that UMass students, upset and angry over the fact that they played the game of life and lost, are rebelling against their pathetic lives through social disobedience. Due to several nights of drinking grain alcohol during high school, coupled with low-income family structures, UMass students have achieved substandard academic results and non-existent SAT scores.

UMass students are known as the dumbest collegians in America

Although UMass graduates tend to be ornary due to several academic and economic reasons, they do work hard to carry their weight in the work force. Though slow and dim-witted, alumni of the University of Massachusetts have managed to dominate most entry level positions at some of America's most famous food establishments. Despite below and, in some cases, sub-human intellect, your superiors are delighted to know that if we're hungry late, we can visit one of countless UMass graduates thanks to "late night menus" at hundreds of eateries across America.

UMass graduates dominate America's culinary fast food industry

Unfortunately, even though they have easy access to "Happy Meals", few UMass graduates or students are actually happy people. Again, due to deep-rooted anger and inferiority towards those in the collar-up community, UMass students tend to become agitated very easily.

Recently, a UMass student was stabbed in the neck following a fashion show at an on-campus ballroom in front of 700 people. Although your superiors consider things as fashion shows very "collar up" events, it seems the wretched inhabitants of Amherst cannot act civilized even for something as social as a fashion show. Fortunately, UMass police were able to use pepper-spray to ensure the stabbing didn't precipitate a major riot.

Speaking of riots, it is impossible to discuss UMass without the 'R' word. I remember sitting in front of the fire at Stately Pinhead Manor after the Red Sox lost to the Yankees in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS and was stunned to see several UMass students returning to their neanderthalic tendencies.

Though I was equally upset at the results of that ballgame, I was more inclined to throw my Cristal in the fireplace than throw a Chrysler at a police officer as I saw many UMass students doing on my television. While some may blame alcohol, upper class types like your superiors will always find blame in their shameful upbringing and the fact that they were not raised in a privileged way such as the members of the 'Nation.

A UMass celebration without a riot is like a UMass student without a sub-500 SAT Score

As America's Team prepares to use UMass as a tune-up for the Hockey East championships in two weeks, be advised that all collar-ups should park their imported cars far away from the Dodge Darts and Chevy Nova's sporting UMass stickers on their back windows. Though a victory is impossible for UMass fans, a night of lighting fires and burning cars is equally satisfying for the great unwashed of Amherst.

Collar Up.

- DW

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Who is "Heimlich Nation?"

Over the years, your superiors have learned about several ersatz groups that have looked to imitate the success of people you wish you were by creating similar "societies", albeit without the collar-up status that your superiors enjoy. Imagine our surprise when the phone rang at Stately Pinhead Manor earlier today and one of our drones told us of a "secret society" eminating from, ironically, the University of New Hampshire.

After another epic collapse by UNH's hockey team that saw them fall down the stretch and allow America's Team to win their third consecutive Hockey East Championship, we surmised the spirits would be low in Durham, NH. The Univ. of New Hampshire hockey program's annual March collapse has become a rite of spring as expected as the arrival of spring and the melting of snow, but why and more important, how?

The subservient on my phone said there was a clandestine group calling themselves "Heimlich Nation" who believe in the philosophy of "collar tight". Although they make no claim to being superior (obviously), Heimlich Nation has made it their life's work to ensure that the history of UNH's hockey program is surrounded with failure.

Heimlich Nation's Official Logo has been seen throughout the UNH Campus

Wearing their collars "tight", these chaps secretly walk the campus of UNH and have vowed to continue the work done in the past by prior "Heimlich Nation" members Conklin, Haydar, Hemingway, and Ayers (names uncovered during Pinhead Nation investigation). Similarly clandestine, it is believed that Heimlich Nation initiates between 5-10 Canadians and a handful of twenty-something aged Americans annually who have vowed to ensure UNH's history of falling short is eternal. To date, no one has been able to discover any active members of this society, nor have they been able to locate their elusive leader known only as "the Whistler".

Members of Heimlich Nation maintain anonymity to protect their cause.

Their work is legendary and evidence of Heimlich Nation's influence is seen throughout UNH hockey history although most feel their greatest impact took place in 1999. Armed with solid goaltending, a Hobey Baker winner in Jason Krog, and several blue-collar types, it appeared UNH was finally poised to win its first Hockey East and National Championships.

No one is sure how they did it, but this secret society managed to deliver a pair of underachieving losses that put Heimlich Nation on the map. Heavily favored in the Hockey East final vs. America's Team, UNH fell 5-4 in overtime to BC due to the shoddy goaltending of Ty Conklin. Less than a month later and similarly favored in the NCAA Championship Game, Conklin again fell flat and UNH watched Maine win the National Championship.

"The Whistler", Heimlich Nation's Leader's True Identity Is Known Only to Its Members

Fingerprints of Heimlich Nation can be seen on an annual basis. From UNH's stunning 2000 NCAA loss to Niagara University, to their 2001 playoff ouster to U.Mass-Lowell, right up to the 2002 and 2003 Frozen Four debacles, Heimlich Nation's commitment to guarantee hockey futility is eternal. This year's collapse is just another tear drop in the ocean that is UNH's misery.

Fans of New Hampshire's hockey program are perpetual in their hopes that their school can someday win a National Title and shed their national reputation of annual chokers. Unfortunately, until the members of Heimlich Nation can be uncovered and ultimately stopped, it appears UNH's annual heartbreaking losses will continue.

UNH authorities have few leads in uncovering the identities of Heimlich Nation, but sources do say that this secret group with eventually be stopped. If you have any information about the identities of this society, please call UNH athletic director Martin Scarano at (603) BAD-LOSS immediately.

UNH Authorites believe this is Heimlich Nation's Secret Handshake (artist's sketch based on witness interviews)

Collar Up.

- DW

Friday, March 04, 2005

Mailbag Friday, 3/4

Boy, where does the time go. It seems like it was just yesterday when your superiors were returning from Durham after the 5-2 woodshed job that America's Team put on the University of New Hampshire. Looking at my planner for the day, I see Friday is upon us again and that means another trip inside the 'Nation's mailbag.

Remember, if you have a question or comment for the people you wish you were, drop us a line at and if you're fortunate, we'll give you the time of day with a response. Let's see what we've got today:

Q- Scott B. (location N/A)- It appears that there is a typo in yoru post dated February 28, 2005. A portion of the sentence reads, "it's important that we, the people you wish you were, told you a quick lesson U. of Maine hockey." I think you're missing an "about" in your sentence, but I went to a state school, and they didn't teach us grammar there.

A - Scott. Great catch on your part, you are absolutely correct. I feel since you caught that error, we owe you an explanation. Last weekend, your superiors were busy preparing for our friend T. Fidler Rothschild's winter celebration and I enlisted my secretary to type last week's story for us. Unfortunately, my secretary is a Northeastern University graduate and she lost seven of her fingers while working for the sewer department during her co-op semester at NU. Clearly it is affecting her typing. It's sad, mainly, because she lost her middle fingers and can no longer display it while driving on Commonwealth Avenue as most Northeastern cretins do. Thanks for the note, though, as the 'Nation will have to speak with her once again about the quality of her work. We'd love to dismiss her, but considering she is only 21 and has four kids, the 'Nation feels she deserves one more chance.

Q - Steve C. (Worcester, MA). Guys, I'm having trouble with my girlfriend and I hope you can help me. We've been together for the last year and I think she's bored with me. I have tried wearing my collar-up, but it isn't working. Am I going to get dumped? I figure you guys are the ones to ask.

A - Steve, to answer your question? Yes, you are going to get dumped. Your superiors aren't sure of the details in your relationship, but since you are a Holy Cross student (your email address gives it away), it's clear that your problems are in the bedroom. If I am being honest here, my guess is you are either hung like a paperclip or are a "two-pump chump". Look in the mirror and do some soul searching, but I'm afraid your problems are too great, even for Pinhead Nation at this point.

Q - Justin P. (Durham, NH). I don't have a question, I only have a comment. The next time you visit another team's arena, you need to show more class than what you showed at the Whitt last Saturday. You guys pretend to be class, but you acted like an ass.

Dozens of UNH fans show their support of New Hampshire hockey

A - Justin, I understand your dismay with the score last Saturday, but it's time to move on. Remember, deep down, we all love America's Team. I will admit that your superiors emptied many a glass of Johnnie Walker Blue Label prior to gametime and we may have appeared tipsy, but, unlike many students at UNH, we never lose our class. Perhaps you should have noted our behavior and realized, hey, collar-up status is what I strive to achieve, if they are acting this way, maybe I should too. As always, if you need any advice, please don't hesitate to drop us another line.

UNH fans know how to cheer with class.

Well, that's going to do it for another week. As America's Team prepares for "Team Tooth" this weekend, the people you wish you were, I'm sure, will have something to teach you all later this weekend.

Collar Up.

- DW