Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Diary of a BU student

Needless to say, your superiors enjoyed a convivial time in Worcester this weekend. Like a week's worth of shots of Penicillin to kill a virus contracted at a Northeastern University career-fair, America's Team eliminated the bacteria that is Boston University.

Late Sunday night, the phone rang at Stately Pinhead Manor. It was one our drones calling to tell us that he had found something that may be of interest to the people you wish you were, a personal diary of a BU student.

After leafing through the several kashi recipes and lyrics of "White Stripes" songs, we happened upon a journal detailing the past weekend's events as the NCAAs got underway. Below is a sample of the text from this BU student who we will call "Jurgen". Your superiors will do our best to work through the foreign vernacular.

BU police noted several suicide deaths outside Warren Towers following Boston College's 5-0 victory on Saturday night.

"Friday, 24, March, 2006:

Today is the big day. Only two more wins until the Icedogs earn a trip to the Frozen Four. The bus from campus leaves at 2 for our 4pm game vs. Nebraska. I didn't know Nebraska had a hockey team, come to think of it, I didn't know Boston University had a hockey team until three weeks ago either! The students at BU are really behind this team, the last time I saw this many young people behind one cause, it was that big book burning rally back home in Dusseldorf. Got to go, my girlfriend at school is eating my Taco-Bell. I'll write soon".

Just three more wins to a NCAA title, this BU student noted after their win vs. UNO, who chose to forego the free transportation and ride to Worcester in style.

"Saturday 25, March, 2006:

It is noontime and we are in a frenzy. BU demolished the Nebraskans 9-2! I think we had two hatricks, too. I know this because on two different occasions, BU fans threw their turbans on the ice after goals, so I know it to be true. Standing in our way to Milwaukee is that little college in Chestnut Hill. Since we beat them in the Beanpot and the Hockey East playoffs, tonight's game looks like a formality. They barely beat a team from Miami last night! Do they even have ice in Florida? I'll write as soon as I get back from the post game party on Landsdowne Street."

Prior to game time, BU fans dressed in their "fan boy" attire aimed at intimidating the opponent.

"Sunday 26, March, 2006:

I don't know what to say. We lost. Even though we dominated most of the game, Boston College beat us 5-0. The only good news is our coach Jack Parker told the players to try and hurt BC players in the last few minutes to try and knock them out of their next game. I'm extremely sad right now. I know I just started following BU a few weeks ago, but the last time I was this sad was when David Hasselhoff gave me the brush off when I asked for his autograph near the Berlin Wall. I'll write more later."

Just minutes before BU's game vs. hated Boston College, a couple of BU coeds realize they forgot their box of Krispie Kremes on the bus.

"Sunday 26, March, 2006:

Anyways, the night wasn't a complete loss. Even though we lost to Boston College, a school that I hate because they rejected me, me and my friends did our best to have a good time. The bus made it back to campus around 11 or so, and a lot of us walked over to Landsdowne Street to drown our sorrows and do the only thing that makes us feel better: dancing. The DJ, knowing we had lost, made us happy by playing a lot of songs by "The Shamen" and some old school "KLF" mixes.

To ease the pain, clubs on Landsdowne Street gave BU fans free glowsticks when they showed their ticket stubs.

Collar Up.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

March Dorkness

I was beeped in the middle of a meeting asking if I had turned in my NCAA basketball bracket. Needless to say, your superiors have far more important things to do than dilly-dally around such a plebeian activity. Nonethless, we have arrived at the time of the year of the "self-appointed" sports expert.

Whether your Boston College degree has landed afforded you a plum job or if you attended a "school" like U.Mass and you spend your days working on a ladder with a paint bucket in your hand, the ritual of filling out a "bracket" is unavoidable. The one constant among all classes of employment is the imbecile who claims to "know it all" and takes his bracket more serious than his grotesque physical appearance.

With his weekend nights free to study the brackets, "sports geek" is thrilled when his predicted "upset" comes to fruition.

Finding this mental defect is quite easy and shouldn't take a better set of people such as ourselves to point him out. Many middle-class types partake in office brackets and most do so to earn some extra cash or some other minimal spoil. Unfortunately, for the "office idiot", the random act of picking victorious collegiate teams is life and the rest (family, bathing, etc) are just details.

In case you are struggling to locate this individual, many tell-tale indicators are obvious even to the most dunderheaded Lowell graduate. The first hint is how defensive he appears when his 'picks' are questioned, though he is likewise quick to chortle at the picks of his peers. He laughs at your Final Four picks while using ignorant phrases such as "Team X's has no guard play" or "Team Y has no big man". Sadly, the only "big man" this person knows about is the potbellied fool in the mirror who would only be at a healthy weight if he were on the moon.

Pinhead Nation reminds Bostonians that with this weekend's Hockey East finals in town, local hotels will once again be filled with a rash of uncivilized rurals from Maine and New Hampshire.

Before the people you wish you were continue, its important to comprehend the genesis of this person. He is likely a fleshy fellow who claims to have a special knowledge of college basketball although he has never played competitive hoops in his sad life. Since those who can, play, and those who can't, talk, years of being picked over on the playground has driven his competitive spirit (read: low self-esteem) to claim a "higher knowledge" of a sport he really has little concept about.

Being barren of any physical ability to speak of, this person likely scratches his competitive itch sitting at a card table playing poker or preparing to "own" his likewise socially retarded chums at fantasy baseball. When March rolls around, though, his 'expertise' is squarely aimed at NCAA Basketball. He proudly boasts the tournament game upsets he correctly guessed at while telling anyone he encounters of "his" Final Four, ignorant of the fact that his audience couldn't care less.

These social invalids can be found in big cities or the smallest of towns.

Fortunately for those experiencing this annual trauma, this person is usually a short-term problem. The good news for those afflicted with such an addle-pate at the office, he will eventually grow silent. As the teams he "wisely" picked are vanquished faster than the time it takes for a Boston University student to throw his turban on ice after a rare BU player's hat trick, in time, he will pick up the phone and call his pals to set up their next commiserable Poker game.

Collar Up.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

UVM "walks" back to Chestnut Hill

Your superiors didn't expect to see the Vermont Catamounts in the first round of the Hockey East playoffs, but that's exactly what awaits America's Team starting this Thursday. For Boston College, hosting a first round opponent is business as usual. For UVM, it's a chance to duel with collar-ups in their first year as a member of Hockey East.

Members of the maroon and gold glitterati may be confounded about the University of Vermont. It seems like just yesterday when the people you wish you were found ourselves chortling at a bizarre sexual hazing incident in 1999 at UVM that shook the college hockey world to its foundation.

For the second time since January, UVM's hockey squad will make the slow crawl down Interstate 89 to Chestnut Hill.

Since Vermont is new to Hockey East, BC fans may not know the Universitas Virdis Mondis from a cheap glass of "virdis vinun". The Vermont Catamounts started playing hockey in 1963, until this year, in the ECAC. Since their inception, they have made the NCAA tournament just three times and made their lone Frozen Four appearance in 1996. Like their neighbors to the east in New Hampshire, UVM is a rural school of besotted bumpkins who appreciate a mediocre hockey team and have a penchant for playing "spin the bottle" at family reunions.

The University of Vermont brings a long tradition of 'teamwork' and a 'friends to the end' attitude to their first trip to the Hockey East playoffs.

On the ice, UVM is led by Joe Fallon, a sophomore goaltender who, although hailing from Bemidji, Minnesota, wasn't good enough to earn an instate scholarship. Offensively, forward Jeff Corey leads the Catamount attack with just 15 total goals. Though defensively they appear competent, Vermont is a team that scores less than an unsightly U.Mass-Lowell student at a sorority party.

By earning a return trip to Boston, visitors from Vermont will once again enjoy some of the many world class restaurants the city has to offer.

Like America's Team, UVM started hot and fizzled down the stretch. Both the Eagles and Catamounts found themselves in the nation's top 5 when they last met, but this time, both are out of the top ten. As a matter of fact, this series is crucial if BC has plans of attending the NCAA tournament later this month.

Although BC is far from the hottest team in the Hockey East tournament, the sight of the defending conference champion Eagles will still make UVM feel as uneasy as when former Catamount Corey LaTulippe sees a hot dog with a hair on it.

In case Vermonters want to stay in their hotels and not venture out during their visit, most Boston hotels offer hundreds of popular and obscure movies on demand.

Some would say that a BC vs. UVM series may actually be contested. Though the school that rejected you gave the Hockey East regular season crown away faster than the time it takes for a BU hockey coach to polish off a Rob Roy, the Eagles have already beaten UVM three times this year. Despite the rash of "Phish" bumper stickers than will likely be seen in the parking lots this week, it doesn't take a memory of an elephant to know BC is still the defending champions and won't go down easily.

Collar Up.