Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Mailbag Friday, 10/27

After a lengthy layoff, your superiors have once again opened our e-mail bag and will grace some lucky petitioners who have sent us their meager questions. If you would like to ask "the people you wish you were" a question or have something to say, drop us an email at '' and we'll do our best to oblige your request to communicate with a higher set of people. Without further adieu, here's a handful of items found in the Pinhead Nation mailbag recently:

Q - Adam F. (Brighton, MA). "Considering how ugly girls at BU are already, can you imagine how FUGLY they will look with their halloween costumes on?"

A- Adam, although at first glance, you appear to be correct, your superiors caution you not to jump to conclusions. In many cases, women at Boston University (as per their religious custom back home in the Middle East) wear burkas and cover their faces all year.

For those coeds at the ugly end of Commonwealth Avenue who call America home and attend BU due to low S.A.T. scores or overall academic futility, the concept of covering their faces may improve their overall physical attribute. Nonethless, if you happen to be on their campus this Halloween, look closely to make sure any girl you question is wearing a Halloween costume or if she merely blessed with remarkably repugnant facial features.

Halloween at Boston University offers a great opportunity for BU coeds to decorate their display their pumpkins around campus.

Q - Dan P. (Shrewsbury, MA). "Hey guys, I love your milk carton teams, especially this year's preseason milk carton team. I hate to steal your ideas, but have you ever thought of having a "All-Dented Milk Carton Team", that is a team of injured NCAA hockey stars over the years? Here's what I came up with.

F- BU's Travis Roy - Though he broke his neck eleven seconds into his first ever shift, his on-ice impact was still better for BU than Dan Spang's 4 year career. Im kind of surprised Parkah didn't make him mix his drinks for him to keep his scholarship.

F- UNH's Patrick Foley - With his head full of cement, his knees ended being made of plastic after several knee injuries. Now he works for a USA Hockey program that must not have asked to see his college transcript.

F- Minnesota's Tyler Hirsch - One of Minnesota's better forwards, Hirsch's mind turned into jello resulting in scoring a breakaway goal in front of 15,000 fans ten minutes after the game ended. Going insane is still an injury.

D- BC's JD Forrest - Late in his freshmen year, he had his hand sliced by a skate and his career plummeted. Considering his academic problems at BC, maybe he hit his head that day, too.

D- ????

G- BU's J.P. McKersie - While riding his bike around BU's campus, McKersie was hit by a subway train. After his accident, hobos on campus rolled him and took his wallet.

Coach - Sean Walsh - Legendary Maine coach dies of cancer just months after coaching Maine's team in the NCAA tournament only to be replaced by coach whose fans think is braindead. His ghost can still be seen cheating late at night deep in the bowels of Alfond Arena.

What do you guys think?"

A- Dan, frankly, your superiors are aghast and speechless. Some potential for greatness here, Dan, but you are clearly in a very dark place right now. A little therapy ought to clear that up pretty quickly. Good luck!

Perhaps that sicko Dan P. would like to use this picture for his future "All-Dented Milk Carton Team".

Q - Deborah B. (Menomonie, Wisconsin). Hi Pinheads. Are you coming to Madtown for this weekend's big series vs. the National Champion Badgers? I love saying that! Maybe B.C. will have better luck this time but I hope not!

A - Deborah, sadly, your state will be denied the opportunity for a return visit by your superiors. We graced your state with our presence last April at the game you referenced in your question. The state of Wisconsin reminded me of the perfect place to end one's own life. Cold, dreary, smelling of old cheese, and with a disturbing paucity of quality yachting facilities.

Well, that's going to do it for this season's first installment of our Pinhead Nation mailbag. Drop us a line and maybe you'll find your question on our next edition.

Collar Up.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

2006-2007 Preseason All-Milk Carton Team

With the new season underway and with it the nascent feeling of disappointment for those fans not privileged to root for "America's Team", it's time for your superiors to bestow on Hockey East our annual PreSeason Milk-Carton Team. For those unwashed neophytes uninitiated with this honor, the people you wish you were are proud to announce this year's list of Hockey East cataclysms guaranteed to embitter fans through their hockey ineptitude:

Preseason Milkman of the Year:

Mike Morris, F, NU - Last season 19-20-39

As many should know, the contaminated Huskies fans of Northeastern are looking for a reason to get excited that has nothing to do with scoring a quality price on an "8-Ball" on campus. The return of Mike Morris is certainly a reason for members of the DogCrapHouse to get revved up for the season. Similar to seeing a UFO or finding a NU fan who is accustomed with the word "soap", Morris put together a spectacular 39-point season with 19 goals and 20 assists just two years ago. He sat out last season and medically redshirted because of his issues with post-concussion syndrome following a "Jackass" stunt gone awry. After hours of deliberation, your superiors feel that Morris is going to struggle this year more than a BU coed trying to fit into jeans that don't have an elastic wasteband, thus, Morris has been selected as our Preseason "Milkman of the Year".

First, he has more rust to shake off than the average Toyota Corolla in the UMass-Lowell student parking lot. Second, the status of his brain certainly might be an issue. Like a Vietnam vet thinking the war is still going on, he might still think he's playing for beleaguered coach Bruce Crowder. If he does catch on to his new coach Greg Cronin and assistant coach Brendan Walsh (former BU/Maine scumbag), he needs to learn a whole new game of thuggery that Cronin and Walsh have brought to Huntington Ave... not to mention drinking beer and eating Chinese food in the locker room. This kid could have a potentially serious identity crisis on his hands if he lost any memory from his concussion. Look for Morris' stock to drop and ultimately end up becoming a lifetime member of the Worcester Sharks joining fellow Hockey East ruination Dan Spang.

Kenny Roche, F, BU - Last season 17-14-31

We have no idea how Kenny "Cock" Roche scored 17 goals last year, but apparently someone had to score the goals for BU. Considering he is on a line with Peter MacOverrated and the semi-mulleted Cushing Academy intellectual Boomer Ewing, look for his production to drop from last season. The result will see BU falling short of expectations once again this season despite the foul-mouthed dillusions of the limp-wristed, flag waving BC rejects at EggAnus Arena. Your superiors simply feel this line can't handle the responsibility of carrying the "weight" of being the top line for the Terriers as they lost their entire top line to graduation/Taco Bell Management Training Program.

The Nation is always excited about the possibility of a disappointing season from a Brokeback University forward. These events usually kick off a chain of events that ultimately ends up with Coach Jack "The Inibriator" Parker, the 2nd winningest active coach in college hockey, drinking gallons of rubbing alcohol while slumped in the fetal position embracing a picture of Herb Wakabayashi. Aside from this, your superiors look forward to watching Roche, the Southie native, fall flat just before Parker tells his sycophantic Boston media that he believes Roche "is an Aaaaaaaall Ameeeeeeericaaaaaaaaaaan!!! (hiccup)."

Josh Soares, F, ME, - Last season 15-26-41

Even Pinhead Nation can admit this kid had a wonderful season last year for the Black Bears, scoring more goals than the average age of Keith Johnson's girlfriends. In addition to getting preseason honors from Pinhead Nation as a preseason All-Milk Carton Team, we have also decided to honor him with the Hockey East "Goofiest Looking Canadian Bastard Award". With the Maine program slowly on the decline under Tim "Snooks" Whitehead and Billy Ryan, another educational mongoloid from Cushing Academy, Soares is expected to score the bulk of the goals for the Black Bears. Regardless, we're convinced that with a little penicillin, this "Soare" will disappear, too.

Cleve Kinley, D, UML - Last season 0-12-12 (-7)

Cleve Kinley was selected for this preseason award after his abyssmal play last season and a certain UML fan's statement that Kinley was "better than Peter Harrold." We forgive our diluted pal for being so hideously incorrect about that statement, which is even more apparent now after Harrold's impressive showing in the LA Kings' camp. Nonethless, we can not forgive Kinley for being such a terrible hockey player and letting our good chum Ryan down. Unless he scores negative goals, he can't decrease his goal production but we're not sure he's going to exceed last season's goal total of zero, either. Additionally, with a more pathetic team this season for the Riverhawks, don't expect Kinley to improve on that -7 rating of a year ago. Fortunately for Kinley, with Bobby Robins gone, he has a legitimate shot at winning the team's "MarioCart" championship which will inexplicably lead to UNH raising a banner for it.

Craig Switzer, D, UNH - Last season 2-14-16 (-6)

Defensemen at UNH just have to be picked for this award. After all, this kid and the other players in the UNH corps of defensemen were understudies of the great defensive defenseman - the man, the myth, the legend - Brian Yandle. Playing defense is just a foreign concept to UNH players, where the forwards are renowned for their cherry-picking and their defensemen are known for making highlights reels for the wrong reasons. Fans of these loveable losers wonder why they have never won a national title and must settle for rooting for Winston Cup crowns. As you can see by his totals, just 2 goals and a -6 rating last season, fans can expect similar failings from Switzer as his production will not increase. Additionally, with uber-sieve Kevin Regan expected to inherit the nets up in Titletown, his -6 rating from last season could be even worse this season.

Kevin Regan, G, UNH - Last season 8-8-5 2.63 GAA .914 save %

Regan split time with senior Jeff Pietresiak last season until even Dick Umile realized no matter how much he whistled, his goaltender stunk. Surprisingly, the Rogaine-riddled coach never realized this earlier considering his experience with former UNH goalies as Snow Mike Ayers and Ty Chokelin. With a .500 record and average numbers last season, we expect Regan to struggle and possibly lose his starting job once again this season. Also, you'll notice the 5 ties he had last season, too. Clearly Regan fits like a glove at UNH with his affinity for "sister kissing." Look for a NASCAR logo to be painted on his helmet in an attempt to gain popularity among the unwashed masses in Titletown. "Live Championship Free or Die."

Rookie Milkman of the Year:

Eric Gryba, D, BU

"The Saskatoon Goon" led the USHL with 205 PIMS for the Green Bay Gamblers. He scored just 3G-12A-15 points in 56 games in the regular season. The most noticeable number, however, shows up in his playoff statistics. His -5 rating in playoffs for the Gamblers should ensure that BU doesn't see the Frozen Four for another 4 years. Not long after that, BU's recruits will have been born after their last national championship.

Fortunately at the raffish end of Commonwealth Avenue, hockey titles are won in February so by April, the fanboys and glowstick dancers will find themselves returning to their X-tacy induced comas on Landsdowne Street until next year's Midnight Madness/Swearing contest at EggAnus Arena followed by a mass prayer to Allah for absolution.

Coach Milkman of the Year:

Blaise McDonald, UML

With lots of losses to graduation and 15 freshmen on the roster, Blaise and his Riverhawks are going to have trouble "standing up" to even the lowest expectations. In addition to losing solid players such as Danny O'Brien, bust Elias Godoy, and Bobby Robbins to graduation, Lowell lost a lot more during the postseason than the numbers of Lowell residents lost to the Immigration and Naturalization Service.

With a borderline mutiny among the players in response to the way Blaise treated senior-to-be defenseman Adam Stanieich (no longer with Lowell), they lost their only real goaltender as Peter Vetri left Lowell with 2 years of remaining eligibility after becoming tired of seeking Leprechaun McDonald's imaginary pot of gold.

Unfortunately for Lowell fans, the Riverhawks are going to struggle mightily with this terrible, freshman-laden roster and a goaltender whose name is more appropriate for male porn than stopping pucks. The good news for Blaise is the rumored mutiny never happened. The bad news, of course, is the expectations for his program continue to be "Low, Lower, and Lowest in Lowell.

Collar Up.

A reminder to all that Pinhead Nation will reintroduce our "Mailbag" soon. If you have any comments or questions for your superiors, drop us a line to " We promise to do our best to answer your meager inquiries.

Monday, October 09, 2006

2006-07 Hockey East Preview

Here at Stately Pinhead Manor, the long wait is over. Autumn has arrived and with it, the beginning of the long seven-month peregrination culminating in championship glory for America's Team. Although succumbing to Wisconsin in the National Championship game last spring in the dilapidated land of "Laverne and Shirley", Boston College, the top ranked hockey team in the land, is prepared to pop their collars and return sublimity to Chestnut Hill.

Before your superiors can order dozens of cases of Clos du Mesnil to pop in April, America's Team must complete the obligatory promenade through the Hockey East schedule to sharpen their collective sticks in preparation for the Frozen Four in St. Louis. For the unenlightened, the people you wish you were offer our selections for what could be a very competitive race for second place in Hockey East this winter.

1.) Boston College

As the preseason pick to win Hockey East as well as the favorite to win the national title, America's Team has the benefit of using October-March as preparation for April.

Good News for BC Fans: For those future collar-ups who must travel commercially, air fares to St. Louis are affordable even for a U.Mass graduate.

Bad News for BC Fans: Although resting along the Mississippi River, St. Louis is not known for quality yachting facilities.

The coaches at Boston College feel their new uniforms epitomize the image and beliefs of BC's march to true elitism.

2.) Providence College

After starting hot last fall, Providence College went down faster than a Lowell prostitute in the backseat of an El Camino. Most feel that coach Tim Army is the man who can restore the "House of Bussiere" to its rightful place as second fiddle to America's Team in Hockey East.

Good News for PC Fans: Significant changes have come to Schneider Arena. Gone are the maroon and gold seats, the silver "disco" ceiling, and free jars of Buddy Cianci's marinara sauce in the lobby.

Bad News for PC Fans:
Like those buried in the cemetery in the middle of PC's campus, Providence College's devotion to the moribund Big East Conference will guarantee their basketball team is buried there soon.

The Zancanaro twins, a fixture in Hockey East, have finally graduated and have taken a job with the Barnstable County Fair.

3.) Maine

The Blackbears had a typical season in 2005-06: No offense, off-ice incidents involving the police that were swept under the rug, and a trip to the Frozen Four where they were dispatched without a whimper. Expect the same this year minus the Frozen Four trip.

Good News for Maine Fans: Sophomore forward Vince Laise will turn 24 years old this January and be a year closer to earning Social Security. Maine fans hope Laise's extra cash will result in an increase in baked potato sales at Alfond Arena on game nights.

Bad News for Maine Fans: "Hopeless Romantic" Keith Johnson is finally a senior and his decision of which girl on the swings he plans on asking to the Senior Dance is imminent. 40-year old leather-clad grandparents from Boothbay to Bangor are hoping their granddaughters find the golden ticket and accompany Johnson to the dance.

Grant Standbrook, former Assistant at Maine, has taken a new job with greater responsiblities and outstanding opportunities for career advancement.

4.) New Hampshire

It's hardly a surprise NASCAR, the ultimate display of white trash, is held in New Hampshire because UNH hockey best resembles a country/western song. It starts fresh, but by the end, your girl is gone, your job is gone, and your truck is gone. UNH made the tournament last year, but faster than you could ask "Why do UNH fans wear 'Members Only' jackets?", they were dispatched without a peep. Dont expect a tourney appearance this year.

Good News for UNH Fans: Daniel Winnik is a star and Keith Yandle and Angelo Esposito look to have breakout years. Wait, nevermind. Also, the "Seal Lady's" Ford F-150 with built-in dip cup is almost paid off.

Bad News for UNH Fans: UNH has condensed their "hundreds of hockey banners" and no longer can UNH fans look up at them and pretend they have an elite program with years of past glory.

At UNH, if the men's hockey program fails, students know the "women's" hockey program can be counted on for on-ice glory.

5.) Boston University

The BU "5-0's" will take the ice at EggAnus Arena knowing they were 'this' close to the Frozen Four last year. Unfortunately, America's Team got to play them away from Causeway Street and away from referees from Hockey East and BU watched as BC astroglided them.

Good News for BU Fans: Boston University hockey games will be seen live on Al-Jazeera TV all season long. Also, steel reinforced girders have been installed into EggAnus Arena just in time for this fall's crop of BU coeds.

Bad News for BU Fans: Potty-mouths will no longer be allowed to attend hockey games. Grief counselors have been hired to help those BU fans who feel compelled to drop f-bombs in front of children. Also, coach Jack Parker will no longer be available for the "Dunk the Drunk" promotion between periods at home games.

Seats at EggAnus Arena have been reinforced with steel to ensure all BU coeds can enjoy the game without the fear of a structural accident.

6.) Vermont

The Elephant Walkers begin year two of their Hockey East lives. Similar to Providence, the Catamounts won last year's "Flash in the Pan" Award, going from top 5 nationally to missing the NCAA playoffs.

Good News for UVM Fans: Despite a pathetic showing down the stretch, they have not been kicked out of Hockey East as of yet. In case UVM has a good season and excitement builds, the state still allows for same-sex marriages for those "Green Mountain Boys" who enjoy getting a high stick in the crease while eating Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream to the tune of "The Elephant Walk".

Bad News for UVM Fans: Despite a strong inauguration into Hockey East, the losses of Jaime Sifers and 6th year senior Brady Leisenring will ensure a road trip in the Hockey East playoffs and a quick exit to the offseason.

7.) University of Massachusetts

Of all the teams in Hockey East, U.Mass has some potential to not embarrass themselves as much as they have in the past. Gone are stiffs such as past Minutemen' Marvin Degon, Kelly Sickavish, and Markus Helanen and coach "Toot" Cahoon has done a remarkable job into tricking college recruits to come to Amherst.

Good News for UMass Fans: Despite bombing their SATs and years of drinking bong water inside Kennedy Tower, U.Mass students may have a reason to come to the Mullins Center this hockey season.

Bad News for UMass Fans: Most UMass fans are too drunk/stupid to find their way to the Mullins Center for anything, let alone hockey. Most will spend the winter walking the campus high on rubbing alcohol and wondering how Marcus Camby could afford that gold necklace he wore to Basketweaving 101 class as a sophomore.

Expect Boston University to "drop" a few places in Hockey East as the losses of their top offensive line and top defenseman will bring BU "back to Earth".

8.) Northeastern

Perennial cellar-dwellar Northeastern once again will take the ice this fall because the schedule says they have to. Though the ghost of Bruce Crowder can still be seen haunting the hallowed halls of the old Boston Arena, the stench you'll notice as you enter the rink isn't the non-showering student body, but the team itself. Expect little and you'll still feel ripped off.

Good News for NU Fans: Since money is always an issue for the NU student who must balance his subsidized budget between buying food and buying pot, students can save on Beanpot tickets this year as by drawing BU in round one, there's no need to buy tickets to the final.

Bad News for NU Fans: They must spend each morning looking in the mirror and realizing that they attend Northeastern University.

9.) U.Mass-Lowell

Once again, Lowell's 7 fans begin the hockey season knowing their odyssey is like a six-month boat ride that ends by going over a waterfall. Coach Blaise McDonald, a man who makes Miami football coach Larry Coker look like Vince Lombardi, will once again stand on 5 phone books behind the Lowell bench and take the helm. A bunch of graduation losses and little quality recruits will make UMLGoon an angry boy.

Good News for Lowell Fans: The Merrimack River is nearby for those who feel drowning is a better solution than watching their team play Maine at home.

Bad News for Lowell Fans: Due to a scheduling snafu, Bentley College and Perkins School for the Blind were left off UML's hockey schedule. Without these two games, Lowell may find themselves winless in non-conference contests this season.

10.) Merrimack College

Once again, Merrimack has found themselves preparing for another season in Hockey East. Last season, Merrimack won exactly two games after December 1st last year. With little in the tank this year, Coach and America's Team alum Mark Dennehy may actually suffer the indignity of being the coach on a team that loses every game this year.

Good News for Merrimack Fans: There is no good news whatsoever if you are a Merrimack fan this year except the fact that MC no longer has bush-league broadcasters on the radio.

Bad News for Merrimack Fans: Infinity + Merrimack hockey = Infinity

Unfortunately for Merrimack fans, tenth place is one of many "positions" this team will find themselves in once again.

With the new season underway, its time for your superiors at Stately Pinhead Manor to sit back, light a Dunhill Cabinetta, and anxiously await seeing which team wins the battle for second place in Hockey East this season.

Collar Up.