Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Old McDonald Had A Buzz

It was late at Pinhead Nation's summer resort in the Greek Isles when the phone rang. Your superiors were still up finishing off a nectareous bottle of Louis XIII when one of our hired drones interrupted to announce one of our attorneys was on the phone and had important news from back home in the colonies.

The news from the mainland was quite austere. It seems that UMass-Lowell hockey coach Blaise McDonald drove off the Yellow Brick Road and was arrested and charged with drunk driving near his home. According to reports, he was found asleep at the wheel of his clown car with beer cans scattered throughout.

According to police, McDonald had a blood alcohol level three times higher than the average UMass Lowell undergraduate's GPA.

Reportedly, when confronted by police, McDonald was asked to recite the alphabet and mumbled "U, M, L" over and over. Also, when asked where he was, he said "Rochester". Realizing Rochester was the location of an NCAA regional this year and knowing Lowell's hockey history, police arrested McDonald immediately. He was cited for drunken driving and being in the front seat of a car without a booster seat.

UML officials became concerned about McDonald's drinking after he announced that his Riverhawks team had a shot to make the NCAA hockey tournament in 2008.

Upon arriving at the Chelmsford, MA police station, McDonald was booked, photographed and was allowed to call his parents to retrieve him from jail. While he waited in jail, McDonald caught up on some old times with former Riverhawks' Paul Falco and Jeremy Wilson before he was released hours later when his bail was posted by an anonymous fan known only as "The Weatherman".

BU coach Jack Parker informed McDonald's agent that now that he has been arrested for DUI, he will join former Terrier Jim Craig on the school's short list to become the school's next head hockey coach.

For UMass-Lowell, McDonald's arrest comes at a time when things looked bright for their perennial failure of a hockey program. Once again, the program avoided the ax and season ticket sales this summer have skyrocketed to 19 after an aggressive marketing campaign rewarding Lowell residents who attend a UML hockey game with an autographed Carlos Valderrama poster and a pair of matching shoes.

McDonald's behavior has earned the "Lowell Leprechaun" a suspension from his job and he will receive a hearing from university officials who will decide his fate. On the ice, his suspension comes at a crucial time when recruits are carefully weighing their options and trying to decide if their futures would be better by accepting a hockey scholarship to UMass-Lowell or killing themselves.

Word came out that Blaise McDonald had been arrested and stunned UMass-Lowell students who were camping overnight at the school's Student Health Services Building for a shot to win free Hepititis C shots.

UML's hockey program has already had its share of drama as we approach the 4th of July. While arrests in the city of Lowell usually surround the Cinco de Mayo holiday and not Independence Day, UMass-Lowell officials now must decide if McDonald's actions are deserving of his dismissal. If they do make the move, it'll end a coaching era at Lowell that began with a man who arrived with high aplomb from Niagara, but has done nothing but take the Riverhawks down the Falls in a barrel, and had a few drinks along the way.

Collar Up.